... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Arkania]

4 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

For a warm-up it's pretty tough, isn't it? 

 

Is it Steves warm up?

[Jean]

I went to bed without logging and woke up at midnight, now is as good a time as ever to do my homework.

 

 

6 hours ago, Arkania said:

Is it Steves warm up?

In my case, it was the beginner's workout :

• 20 bodyweight squats
• 10 push ups
• 20 walking lunges – 10 each leg
• 10 dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug or another weight)
• 15 second plank
• 30 jumping jacks

 

I find that Steve's warm up is pretty hard when starting in the Academy. Steve loves barbells, and it shows. Whereas the 1A workout isn't that tough in and of itself and can be performed without warming-up in my opinion, which is pretty smart because people starting off are likely to skip the warming-up part at first (the 3A-B-C series can too if you ask me, since you're basically warming-up while performing them - during the first set - the cool-down is more important and I put more emphasis on not skipping it). It would be cool to have a watered down warm-up to get us into the habit of doing it when starting the first workouts, I haven't found mine yet.

 

 

Anyway, back to logging:

 

Food log

3x black coffee (1x morning, 1x noon, 1x afternoon)

Mixed salad, pork cutlet, pasta and veggies + 1 Coke (0.33l, noon)

beets and green salad and killer stew (evening)

0.5l of water (throughout the day)

 

Exercise

5' walk

roughly 10' of tai chi

 

[Arkania]

Ah, I began with the 3-series and think I haven't done the beginners workout at any time.

And I have to say, these workouts feel just like another small warm up for me
I like Stacy's warm up and cool down. A bit more chill

[TimovieMan]

I agree that Steve's current warm-up is pretty hard, but you should look into his older warm-up (right above Stacy's on the warm-up and cool-down page in the Academy).
That one still gets the heart pumping, without tiring you out completely. I consider it perfect for the level 3 workouts.

It's the one I adopted for that reason.

[Jean]

On 11/9/2018 at 2:55 PM, TimovieMan said:

you should look into his older warm-up (right above Stacy's on the warm-up and cool-down page in the Academy)

 

That's the one that felt like a full workout already at the begining, for me (and probably again now, since I've dropped it out for some time). xD

 

Anyway, back to basics: food is a mess, I've slept through tai chi on Tuesday and I've forgotten to apply the golden rule: keep it simple.

 

So, simple it is and back to my original idea with real bits of tweak. It needs not to be really difficult at first, it needs to be simple, it needs to be doable anywhere and it needs to build up over time into real sets and reps so:

• 10 squats
• 10 push-ups

Everyday I'm not doing tai chi. +1 rep every week until I reach 20, then back to 11 reps but 2 sets, and so on. Of course, the 5' walks are staying too.

 

I'll be adding handstands and pull-ups with time.

 

Current tally: 10 reps.

 

[TimovieMan]

9 minutes ago, Jean said:

 

That's the one that felt like a full workout already at the begining, for me (and probably again now, since I've dropped it out for some time). xD

Ah, I do that one every time and think it's ok as a warm up.

 

I thought you meant the warm up from Steve's blog. I tried that a few times (before signing up here) and that was definitely a full workout for me in itself.

Quote

2-3 minutes of jump rope (who cares if you mess up, push yourself!)

50 jumping jacks (pull your shoulder blades back, extend arms and really focus on the movement)

20 body weight squats

5 lunges (each leg)

10 hip extensions

5 hip rotations each leg (like you’re stepping over a fence)

10 forward leg swings (each leg)

10 side leg swings (each leg)

10-20 push ups (scale based on your level of fitness)

10 spider-man steps (each leg)

 

[Jean]

Checking up:

 

This week series;

• 10 push-ups;
• 10 squats.

I've realised that I couldn't do it in the reverse order (squats first) but could do it that way for whatever reason. This is low, let's see if I can climb up the ladders.

[Jean]

Asking for guidance, especially from @Tobbe since we seem to share the "meh" attitude toward social events and yet attend to them still:

 

Right now, it feels like things are going good but that it is never enough for me. I can grasp a win but I won't rejoice and celebrate. Instead, I'm jumping right into another fight, like I'm unable to really enjoy the moment and need to be fighting an uphill battle to feel like I have a use (or worth).

 

Some of it is due to outside circumstances: the work has really piled up to a point where getting to normal anytime soon seems terribly optimistic. To top it off, unimportant tasks keep coming in so I have to learn to brush them aside as what they are and not let myself be overwhelmed by them in order to focus on the really important ones.

 

Some of it is due to the way I handle my life: I am a fearful person (so I try to be perfect in order to avoid having other people complaining about me. My way to get out of trouble is to overpower it instead of putting it into perspective and brushing it aside). I also strive for 'always better' all on my own and have a deep sense of responsibility (meaning that if I can do a tiny bit of something to affect a situation, even if it means dropping everything else, then I feel indefinitely responsible for whatever comes out of it) and want to make the world a better place.

 

The thing is, I can't patch the world all by my own. I'll break before anything like it happens. That plus the devil has a deceitful face in that people act in their own interest without seeing the full consequences of their actions and, as such, can pretty much sap any chance of global harmony while still being the most well meaning they can be (that plus some people can't settle for 'enough' and always need ever more).

 

I've come to a point where I am sacrificing some of the things I want my life to hold, like fitness (and yes, this could be an excuse to help me cope with the fact that I don't really care but it can also be a sign that I am not handling things right and am not listening to who I truly am, giving the outside world too much of a hold on my life - as an example, I have several times felt like this would be a great day to get out and train in the nature, like on-the-ready-all-enthusiastic-ready-to-get-out kind of it, but I have still given priority to my job and when I got home, I was too tired to want to go out anymore - though that should not be an excuse for not going out anyway).

 

So, I guess the question is : how do I bring balance back into my life ? Should I not worry and things should sort themselves out with time? Should I be wary for burnout like it could happen tomorrow (for those of you who have faced it, do you get advanced warning or do you wake up one morning feeling like you can tackle whatever workload comes your way and the next one unable to handle anything?) ? Should I put more of a focus on the mindset side of things and work my priorities with real pieces of wisdom and stop being so fearful (how do I do it?) ? Should I stop thinking, work out and see if the world colapses all on its own while I'm not watching it (spoiler alert: it most certainly won't) ?

 

How do I work my way out of wanting to feel overwhelmed because overwhelmed is the state I know how to live?

 

EDIT : Also, music of the day: Matthew L. Fisher - Home is ahead... the world behind

 

 

[Arkania]

May I ask you if you are self employed or employed?

I think maybe work and "what other people think" have a too high rank in your life. (I found myself in several sentences of your text and also found my bf)

What are you doing besides work? So, how looks your daily schedule?

 

My burn out showed with panic attacks. So I wasn't really stressed (conscious, unconscious I was reaaaally stressed!) and I went to sport and out of nothing I was scared to death, my chest hurt and I sweated etc.

I may should have listened to my boidy before. I had a lot of headache back then, problems with my stomach, high pulse etc. But I thought "that is truly normal!"

No, wasn't.

[Tobbe]

14 hours ago, Jean said:

Right now, it feels like things are going good but that it is never enough for me. I can grasp a win but I won't rejoice and celebrate. Instead, I'm jumping right into another fight, like I'm unable to really enjoy the moment and need to be fighting an uphill battle to feel like I have a use (or worth).

 

I recognize this. But not in myself; in my wife. Unless she's super busy she says she's bored and that she never gets to do anything (fun). When she is super busy she complains how tired she is, that she wished for days/weekends with nothing planned just to be able to rest, and so on and so on. 

 

What helps her, and therefor me too, in these situations is to remind her of how she feels at the other side of the spectrum. I.e. if she complains about being too busy I remind her of how bored she gets when "just" resting. If she complains about being bored I remind her of how stressed out she gets when she has too much planned. 

 

This way she can usually see the situation a little bit more clear, and be more happy in the situation, and actually enjoy where she is right there and then.

 

So. I guess what I'm saying is; Try to remind yourself to enjoy the moment. See the positives of where you are now (and perhaps also some of the negatives of going where you think you want to go). I know it's obviously more difficult to do this yourself, than it is for someone else too see it. But do your best!

 

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

Some of it is due to outside circumstances: the work has really piled up to a point where getting to normal anytime soon seems terribly optimistic. To top it off, unimportant tasks keep coming in so I have to learn to brush them aside as what they are and not let myself be overwhelmed by them in order to focus on the really important ones.

 

Some of it is due to the way I handle my life: I am a fearful person (so I try to be perfect in order to avoid having other people complaining about me. My way to get out of trouble is to overpower it instead of putting it into perspective and brushing it aside). I also strive for 'always better' all on my own and have a deep sense of responsibility (meaning that if I can do a tiny bit of something to affect a situation, even if it means dropping everything else, then I feel indefinitely responsible for whatever comes out of it) and want to make the world a better place.

 

What I tend to do (for good or bad) when I'm overwhelmed with too many things is to pick what I feel is most important and just focus on that one task 100%. And I really mean 100%. To the point where everything else falls to the sides. But I don't even notice that they do because I'm so focused on the one thing I'm doing. Usually it turns out that those other things actually could wait. Or if they couldn't someone else had already picked them up and taken care of them.

 

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

The thing is, I can't patch the world all by my own. I'll break before anything like it happens.

 

I'm happy to hear that you realize this. That's important!

 

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

I have several times felt like this would be a great day to get out and train in the nature, like on-the-ready-all-enthusiastic-ready-to-get-out kind of it, but I have still given priority to my job and when I got home, I was too tired to want to go out anymore - though that should not be an excuse for not going out anyway

 

Next time - try to honor that will to move! Switch your mindset around. Instead of "I'll work now, go out later", think "I'll go out now, work later". It's actually more realistic too. And there are two reasons for that. 1. Seeing as you're so focused on really performing in your work and doing as best as you can you know that you will not just skip doing the work for some made up bad reason/excuse. And 2. By going out/exercising you'll get more energy so that you're not so tired later. That way you have excess energy to do the work instead of feeling too tired.

 

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

Should I not worry and things should sort themselves out with time?

 

Not worrying at all doesn't seem realistic for you to do. Don't you agree?

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

Should I be wary for burnout

 

Yes! Please be careful!

 

14 hours ago, Jean said:

How do I work my way out of wanting to feel overwhelmed because overwhelmed is the state I know how to live?

 

There is probably only one way to do that, and that's to try living not overwhelmed. But there's no point in trying that before you feel ready to do so!

[Arkania]

Oh and PLEASE sleep!!!!

[Jean]

What? No!! Sleep is for brokers! (I don't actually believe in it, sleep is essential to efficiency, I'm just not putting any sort of priority on it.)

 

... on the more serious side, this is part of the problem too: I can't rest 'till I know everything is fine or I'm too tired to care anymore. Things are never fine enough, which leaves me purposedly delaying doing things until I'm too tired to do them and get some sleep instead. It would be easier if I made a conscious choice about it and just dropped the things I don't plan to do off of my timetable without having to delay sleep thinking I can handle it, but I'm weird that way.

 

So, yes, I'll have to work on that.

 

Also, thanks for your answers (to both of you and to potential others to come). I'll answer more thoroughly later if I'm not sleeping (sleeping doesn't enter my schedule 'till Saturday so there's a good chance I'll be sleeping instead of holding my schedule tonight).

[Jean]

So, thanks again for your answers. It's a semi-sleepless night, tonight (I've slept for five hours and a half, so that's a good one for me)...

 

19 hours ago, Arkania said:

May I ask you if you are self employed or employed?

 

Employed in the public sector with middle to high management responsibilities, in a small town's administration. In charge of all matters regarding roads, rivers, natural hazards and quite a few other small tasks that drop on my desk because I'm the one willing to tackle them (passing files forward seems to be a national sport in town - not only in the administration).

 

I like what I do and I enjoy the autonomy that comes with it. The thing is, I don't want to loose it, so, out of fear, I try my best to have my files handled well even though there's way too many of them. First thing on the agenda should be to learn to priorize it all and dismiss the unimportant tasks but I've been emergency patching things up to now and only now do I start to get some time to put some order into it (I've started this job in june). The thing is, I'm getting pretty tired too so, the order of priority should be: 1-recover and rebuild myself, 2-get my files in order, 3-go to town. I'me putting 2 and 3 before 1, though.

 

 

19 hours ago, Arkania said:

I think maybe work and "what other people think" have a too high rank in your life.

 

It does. I am giving others way too much power, always fearing that I could loose my position, filing for personal bankrupcy and ending up in jail if I do fail (meaning, performing normally instead of patching all the things). This is completely irrational, of course. The worst that could happen would be me loosing my job but I've got good insurances for that situation so it's not even an undesirable scenario (could be a great opportunity, in fact).

 

 

19 hours ago, Arkania said:

What are you doing besides work? So, how looks your daily schedule?

 

Not much: Wake up (early in the night), stay in bed for some time, get up, shower, have a coffee, go for a walk, go to work, get back home, eat lunch, go back to work, work, get back home, cook dinner, eat it, do paperwork/go to the computer (mostly revolving thoughts in my head of all the things that still need to be done while not doing them), fall asleep with the lights on. Tai chi on Tuesdays. The week-ends go away before I even notice them, mostly spent with activities with other people that I'd rather not attend to (I'm kind of a loner) or resting (sleeping, mainly, but not only).

 

Thanks for the burnout feedback.

 

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Unless she's super busy she says she's bored and that she never gets to do anything (fun).

 

I don't think it is really what I am living. Fear really do seem at the core of my way of handling life. When I'm not busy, the question rolling into my head is 'what have I forgotten to do that I should be doing now instead of enjoying the moment?' Deep inside, I also have this thought that I'm not worthy of hapiness and that, as such, I shouldn't be happy. There's a lot of self-destructiveness in it all.

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

What helps her, and therefor me too, in these situations is to remind her of how she feels at the other side of the spectrum.

 

This is helping me daily. Everytime I ask myself 'Is it really worth it?', I remind myself of my situation in the past (which has been pretty dire) and the answer is then 'yes'.

 

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

What I tend to do (for good or bad) when I'm overwhelmed with too many things is to pick what I feel is most important and just focus on that one task 100%.

 

Seems like this is something that we have in common. My main problem is that, when that one task is done, instead of patting myself on the back and taking some time to rest up, I immediately spring to the other lesser tasks that I had let aside. A problem of priorisation of the means to stay in shape and of those to get things done. It's like if, in a strategy game, I'd be putting building military before building an economy. I know it's the wrong way to do things but I do it that way anyway.

 

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Next time - try to honor that will to move! Switch your mindset around. Instead of "I'll work now, go out later", think "I'll go out now, work later".

 

Hard to do, but pretty wise. It goes with the 5' walks but would spring to a whole set of hours instead... I'd also need to learn to group my meetings in order to keep free half-days and be able to use them on myself on a whim. Thanks for the input!

 

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Not worrying at all doesn't seem realistic for you to do. Don't you agree?

 

Sure, but it's a target. Now, how do I reach it? That's a different matter entirely.

 

 

16 hours ago, Tobbe said:

There is probably only one way to do that, and that's to try living not overwhelmed. But there's no point in trying that before you feel ready to do so!

 

The thing is, I can't recall a time when I've taken the luxury to feel ready before doing something. I'm always on a rush and letting myself be driven by 'what must be done' more than 'what can be done' or 'what do I feel like doing'. I'm used to dive into things, handle them as I can (which usually works pretty good) and when I'm done with them, I'm still too much in a fighting spirit that I can't just let it go and tackle the next task immediately. When I'm not just thinking I should tackle it and not really doing anything for hours, that is. I've always had those unproductive times but they tend to become more common. It's part of what worries me.

[Dark_Mother]

I have been sort of where you are in terms of the job situation. At least my understanding of it which it absolute overwhelm, fight or flight all the time until you're so exhausted by prioritizing emergencies that you find yourself in analysis paralysis which leads to trying to distract yourself just to make it through the day. Maybe I'm wrong about some of it, but I just wanted to extend a friendly comment that you're not alone there. I was driven to an extreme of doing something borderline illegal to try to get work under control. <regret>. Looking back, and maybe it'll be relevant for you, the best thing I could have done for myself was to sit down with my boss and say, "Look. I'm a hard worker, but what you're asking is impossible to do. I need you to lower your expectations for turnaround, allow me to pare down my scope to focus on the most important work, or you need to let me go, because what I'm doing now isn't healthy for me, and it inevitably will not be healthy for the company." That fear of losing the job was intense and led me to the dark side, but here I am now jobless because I didn't do something more direct and assertive for myself. I sure hope you get things to a healthy balance, and even if I've misunderstood your situation, I hope it at least makes you feel less alone. <3 Take care of yourself.

[Jean]

It's been too long a time since my last report but I'll delay it a bit more. I've got shit to do and am in a mood for getting shit done so, if you see me lurking around here in the next 6 hours, could you please stick a foot up my ass ?

 

Thanks in advance and enjoy the weekend.

[Arkania]

Last visited 5 minutes ago!!!

 

[Jean]

I commend you for your tracking sills, I see you're not an Assassin for nothing.

 

What needed to be done is done, though now is the time to push it a little bit further. I had moved a few months ago but kept my old appartment to store some of my things (the rent was cheap). I've now moved fully and my new home is completely clutered with junk I didn't even knew I had anymore. The goal is to get to a definitive solution for it (meaning if I don't keep it, I get rid of it/give it away) and if I do keep it, it has a definitive place where it is stowed for good (except when I need it, of course).

 

On another set of news, I'm finally tackling my worklife (sleep will come afterwards, though maybe not directly). Workouts have taken a bow but will be back on the frontlines in the future. I'm keeping the 5' walks even if I don't show it (they've become part of my life, now, which is great) and I have hope that once I'll have reclaimed the kitchen from the boxes, cooking will be back on the menu too (I have dropped it during this week).

 

 

On 11/25/2018 at 12:52 AM, Dark_Mother said:

Maybe I'm wrong about some of it, but I just wanted to extend a friendly comment that you're not alone there. I was driven to an extreme of doing something borderline illegal to try to get work under control.

 

Thanks! You're not wrong and, if I haven't thought of crossing the legal barrier in this job, I definitely have in the last one. The good thing about the law is that it reminds us that it is there for a reason and that it is our approach (or that of our company) that is wrong. Considering crossing that line is a big part of what made me leave my previous job and I hope not to get there again.

 

 

On 11/25/2018 at 12:52 AM, Dark_Mother said:

the best thing I could have done for myself was to sit down with my boss and say, "Look. I'm a hard worker, but what you're asking is impossible to do. I need you to lower your expectations for turnaround, allow me to pare down my scope to focus on the most important work, or you need to let me go, because what I'm doing now isn't healthy for me, and it inevitably will not be healthy for the company."

 

I'm taking this with me, thanks.

 

 

On 11/25/2018 at 12:52 AM, Dark_Mother said:

Take care of yourself.

 

The same goes to you, I'm sorry you had to go through it and couldn't find a job with human expectations since. Keep yourself up and be great.

[Jean]

I just wanted to put down my fears in case I can understand them better when I come back later with a clearer mind. It's mainly for myself so read it only if you want to dive into my darker self. It's boring and probably vain, you have been warned.

 

Spoiler

 

I'm spending the evening/night frozen to the core (figuratively): I know I can't do what I need to do this week (there's no time for it) and I know I can't reach my financial goals (starting to be in a better shape and having some safety on my own to start my own business if things go awry, which there's no reason they should but I just feel safer this way).

 

The thing is: things are going good. I've got enough money to go through the month and there'll be no consequence of import on Friday when I get to my weekend with only half of what I needed done done. And not sleeping doesn't help so I should sleep, but I can't.

 

Part of the matter is that I don't like the feeling of working so that others get to do stupid choices and not face the consequences. Some of my bills are due to poor choices made by my former landlord and my inhability to handle things for a long time (meaning I need to get things done quickly if they are not to weigh on myself too heavily), so I pay to get my peace of soul... but yet, I still don't get it. There's one too many rent that I have paid because I was too busy to check my banking orders that is staying in my throat, but that one will be easy to recover so why does it affects me so much? Is it my own stupidity? Or the stupidity I put in other people? And why do I feel like responsibility is the be-all and end-all of everything? I can understand it for myself, taking responsibility is what I do, but why does it affect me so when others fail to act responsibly and I should not care? Edit: That bill affects me because I feel like I should not have let it pass, and would not have if I had taken the time to focus on my own life and what I like to do instead of letting myself get overwhelmed by my job's problems. It is the feeling of being driven by the 'shoulds' and not by the 'want' that causes me to take it so much to heart. Right now, it feels like I don't have mastery over my life and that is what is bothering me.

 

Part of the matter is that I have the feeling that this world is mad. Some people have means and an agenda and they are pushing it over everybody else. Their agenda is why we care for things that have no import, like roads that have no strategical value but should be done immediately with taxpayers' money because someone has some land on it that would have more value with it. This is part of why my own schedule is so full: useless priorities are camping on it while real strategic targets can't be reached because my energy goes into the void.

 

The question is: can I organise this void in order to make people understand that only strategical projects will be handled and that their own personal pursuits won't get anywhere? Or will I drown with it? What is the purpose of Life? What is the purpose of my life? What are my objectives, the targets that I pursue? And am I reaching them or have I lost myself on the way? Right now, it feels like whatever I do is never enough. It feels like victories pile up on victories but they don't matter because they don't further my own goals and what I want for the world to be. I am fighting another man's battle and I don't know how to jump out of that battlefield and on my own. I don't know how to make progress not just for the sake of progress but in the right direction.

 

I just feel lost on a strategic level while my tactical mind is clear. I can win battles, I just can't choose my war. And I hate it. And it's weighing right now on my soul.

 

EDIT2: Another question: Am I Tanking through or working on climbing the cliff?

Right now, I'm tanking through, meaning I'm holding on, expecting that something from the outside will change. It probably won't so I have to change my mindset.

'But tanking through is what I do!'

Sure it is... see where that has led you? Time's passing by and if you're on your way, the slope of your progression is way too slow for you to reach your targets...

What targets ?

Gathering around people like you, buiding a home where you'd all fit and not have to hide yourself anymore and be happy.

Are we working to reach that target?

The Hell if I know.

 

 

[Jean]

Asking it here too, since I've asked the question in my challenge thread and am gathering as many answers as I can: I need to build myself a life, meaning I'm searching for activities that I'll consider as my own and will help me to feel good and empty my mind so, beside working out (it'll work on the long run but failed to empty my mind tonight), what activities do you do that help to get out of the stress you may live and have you feel good and whole?

[Arkania]

+1 for that question

 

I tried puzzling. Nope. To restless for that.

Drawing. Actually I can't focus a long time on that. Doodling is ok.

Cooking/baking. Yes, that's it! Makes me feel good and calms me down.

Reading. Same.

Meditation. WHEN I do it, it's amazing

 

[Jean]

On 12/6/2018 at 9:52 AM, Arkania said:

Cooking/baking. Yes, that's it! Makes me feel good and calms me down.

 

That might be part of the answer, I'll have to set up my kitchen to be used efficiently once again (I've let things pile up in it and can't access some cupboards... priorities... priorities... ^^.

 

News on the internet site side: I'm not ready for it but I'm launching it anew today. It's empty and bare and will be slow to evolve but I'm calling this point zero. From now on, it's only going to get better.

 

For accountability purposes, I've gone for the English version and am posting a link here : http://www.jeancarron.ch/

 

Don't expect quick content, I'll be working on it without deadlines, when the whims arise. I want to get the "Thoughts" section done first, then I'll work on adding some links, then my professional page.

 

Good evening/night/day (depending on where you are).

 

[Arkania]

Bookmarked!

[Jean]

Once again, it feels like I'm falling off while I know this is not what's happening.

 

Today's theme son: Sky Mubs - One Man's Strength.

[Arkania]

Why is that?

[Jean]

Unachievable deadlines and projects.

 

I know 'doing it right' means winning some and loosing some, that people around me know that and don't hold me to a perfect standard that no one can achieve. Right now, 'winning some' means taking time to rest and rebuild myself: I'm near the breaking point. Yet, there's still a few "utterly important" deadlines before the holidays that I know I won't be able to achieve, so those are 'loosing some'.

 

I know it's the right way to handle things. Worst case scenario, I'm out of a job by the end of February and have free time for myself to find how to really handle my life in a sustainable manner. But... it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm dropping the ball too early, like I always do.

 

So, feeling like I'm falling off, while I know I'm doing it right...