Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Dagger]

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

I hate the whole, "let's be totally involved now that they are sick" attitude. Like, if you've waited that long, it's too late - I'm out.

This is actually a pretty darn good point. I will have to ponder more on it. (Mostly to get it to seep deep into my mind.)

[fleaball]

Will reply to @Sylvaa's post when I'm not on mobile and likely to throw my phone out the window. 

 

So I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone here. A lot. Because you (presumably) read my bitching and said you're here if I need you. And I totally appreciated this in general but I'm being reminded of just how awesome you are because one of my friends is constantly checking in on me even though I've said I'm mostly fine. Just now I was complaining about crying in three different offices on campus (because I'm trying to figure out if I can get a cap and gown and hood early to get photos done and ofc I have to explain why each time so yes I'm going to cry) and she's like "I can be there in two hours and we can cuddle." No???? A.) I don't cuddle and B.) let me do this my own way?

 

I really hate people who try to tell you how to feel in these situations. Yes, thank you for the support. But once you've made it known that you're here for me, leave it up to me to take advantage of that. Jusy because I'm having a hard time talking about it while trying to do a thing that I am literally only doing because my mother is dying doesn't mean you get to decide when and how I need comfort. And when I was working at the bank years ago and told them I was taking time off for my grandmother's funeral, my manager said something to which my response was "thanks, I'll be okay in a few days." And he actually got angry and was like "don't say that. My parents have been gone for years and I'm still not over it." Well good for you? I'm still going to mourn my own family the way I feel like it? 

 

Arrrrrrrrgh. 

[fleaball]

4 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

1. All the <3! The nice thing about being around Boston is that there are so many good options for any kind of medical treatment. She'll be in good hands no matter what. (And I'm totally not going to be offended if no questions are asked - that's not really my style anyway).

 

2. Not feeling ready is totally a great reason to have wanted to put it off. But we can still be proud of you for saying, "I need to tell her, because I don't want to deal with my feelings if I don't get to tell her." That's like a huge thing!

 

3. I'm dealing with something similar with my grandparents, so I totally get where you are coming from. Now, in my case, it stems from still being considered one of the "kids" AND being far away, but I've already told my mother that I won't put up with guilt for not being around more. I don't know, my perception might be totally screwed, but I hate the whole, "let's be totally involved now that they are sick" attitude. Like, if you've waited that long, it's too late - I'm out. 

 

Also, I totally want to hear / see you fight with strangers on the internet. 

1. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm not worried about it's the quality of the care she'll get. And that helps a bit. It turns out her oncologist is the same one my grandfather had, and my aunt (who's also a nurse in a different department at MGH) really liked/was impressed with her. I may dislike my aunt but she's all about only getting the best of everything, so that's probably a good sign in this case. 

 

2. Ha, I need to print this out and stick it on my mirror or something as a reminder. Thanks. <3

 

3. Ugh, YES. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that our relationship is still going to be weird and it's not going to get fixed. But when people are like, insistent that all the fences have to be mended because someone's sick, or that now's the time to do all the things you never did before, or everyone has to be best friends, that's just dumb. This isn't a Lifetime movie where everything comes out with a nice little bow on top. I think most of the time you're lucky if people can put aside their crap and just not resent each other for however long things are happening. Sure, there are some people who genuinely regret things they've done and try to reach out when they realize their own mortality, but even in those cases you're not obligated to respond and become their best friend if you're not in a place to do so. 

 

It's not quite the same (and I think I mentioned this in an earlier post), but when I told my roommate she was like "if there's anything you ever wanted to do with her, DO IT NOW." Which... there's really not? I was thinking about taking her on a trip to Austria after I graduated because she's said a few times over the years that she always wanted to go there, but honestly I wasn't sure it would happen in the first place for various reasons (money, time, etc). Mentioned it to my roommate and she's like "GO NOW. School and work with understand, just do it. Don't miss this." Which... no, sorry. If she's still okay-ish closer to summertime I might bring it up and see if she's interested. But she's not going to postpone or skip chemo treatments for this, and she's already cancelled plans to go to a casino in March with friends from work because she'll be too tired/etc. And that's only a 2-hour bus ride to Connecticut. (Maybe less?) It's not feasible and I'm not going to force the issue. Roommate said a friend of hers whose mom is losing her 3rd battle with breast cancer just recently went out looking at wedding dresses with her mom even though she's not even in a relationship, just so they could have the experience. That's not really a thing we would do and there's really nothing I can think of to do instead? My therapist wants me to think of a bonding thing or whatever, even if it's just like, talking about stuff we haven't talked about before. Something to keep that connection. But there really isn't anything that comes to mind. My mother was never my best friend, has never been a person I could talk about just anything to or do just about anything with. We honestly do get along better (I think) when we're not under the same roof. Neither of us likes shopping, our taste in TV/movies/music is wildly different (I will always be pissed that I couldn't enjoy seeing Into the Woods when it came out because she invited herself to come with me and spent the entire movie huffing and being obnoxious because she didn't actually know what it was about and didn't like it at all), she doesn't read books. We don't travel together. We don't really do anything at all. According to my therapist there are like, memory books or something you can buy with questions to ask before all that information is gone forever (family history, etc.) We don't even have those conversations. I know how my parents met but not what their first date was, or how he proposed, or what their wedding was like. I don't even know where they went on their honeymoon, now that I think about it. I know of one other boyfriend she had, I think in college, and only that she broke up with him because he decided he was going to be the breadwinner and she was going to stay home and whatever. And I only know this story because it was part of a lecture on "you do what you want to do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." And that was awkward as hell. I don't want to sit around asking all these questions someone else thinks I should ask. Will there be a hole in my life when my mother dies? Sure. Will I regret not having asked about the childhood she rarely spoke of? Maybe, But probably not as much as I'd regret saying "hey so I know your childhood was rough because your dad died right before your 11th birthday and you guys were really poor and as the only girl you wound up doing a lot of the chores and taking care of your brothers and older family members, but hey tell me more about it." 

 

*casually steps off soapbox*

 

Ha, but fighting on the internet is such a waste of time. It's so circular. And also really not worth it half the time. Most of the things I want to fight about are generational issues ("bleh Millenials suck, get off my lawn") or queer things, and usually those people aren't willing to listen and certainly won't change their minds. (Not saying no one will be convinced. But like, people on tumblr who are spouting biphobic or acephobic bullshit every other post are not really the people whose opinions will change when a stranger on the internet tries to point out that they're wrong.)

[Dagger]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

It's not quite the same (and I think I mentioned this in an earlier post), but when I told my roommate she was like "if there's anything you ever wanted to do with her, DO IT NOW." Which... there's really not? I was thinking about taking her on a trip to Austria after I graduated because she's said a few times over the years that she always wanted to go there, but honestly I wasn't sure it would happen in the first place for various reasons (money, time, etc). Mentioned it to my roommate and she's like "GO NOW. School and work with understand, just do it. Don't miss this." Which... no, sorry. If she's still okay-ish closer to summertime I might bring it up and see if she's interested. But she's not going to postpone or skip chemo treatments for this, and she's already cancelled plans to go to a casino in March with friends from work because she'll be too tired/etc. And that's only a 2-hour bus ride to Connecticut. (Maybe less?) It's not feasible and I'm not going to force the issue. Roommate said a friend of hers whose mom is losing her 3rd battle with breast cancer just recently went out looking at wedding dresses with her mom even though she's not even in a relationship, just so they could have the experience. That's not really a thing we would do and there's really nothing I can think of to do instead? My therapist wants me to think of a bonding thing or whatever, even if it's just like, talking about stuff we haven't talked about before. Something to keep that connection. But there really isn't anything that comes to mind. My mother was never my best friend, has never been a person I could talk about just anything to or do just about anything with. We honestly do get along better (I think) when we're not under the same roof. Neither of us likes shopping, our taste in TV/movies/music is wildly different (I will always be pissed that I couldn't enjoy seeing Into the Woods when it came out because she invited herself to come with me and spent the entire movie huffing and being obnoxious because she didn't actually know what it was about and didn't like it at all), she doesn't read books. We don't travel together. We don't really do anything at all. According to my therapist there are like, memory books or something you can buy with questions to ask before all that information is gone forever (family history, etc.) We don't even have those conversations. I know how my parents met but not what their first date was, or how he proposed, or what their wedding was like. I don't even know where they went on their honeymoon, now that I think about it. I know of one other boyfriend she had, I think in college, and only that she broke up with him because he decided he was going to be the breadwinner and she was going to stay home and whatever. And I only know this story because it was part of a lecture on "you do what you want to do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." And that was awkward as hell. I don't want to sit around asking all these questions someone else thinks I should ask. Will there be a hole in my life when my mother dies? Sure. Will I regret not having asked about the childhood she rarely spoke of? Maybe, But probably not as much as I'd regret saying "hey so I know your childhood was rough because your dad died right before your 11th birthday and you guys were really poor and as the only girl you wound up doing a lot of the chores and taking care of your brothers and older family members, but hey tell me more about it." 

I totally get this. Seriously.

 

Doing something because it is the "right" thing to do or what society says you "must" do or what everyone else thinks is the "best" for you, just isn't important.

 

You know yourself best. Sure, it is good to get input from others, but then you filter it through your lens and see if it makes sense to you. So power to you for doing it your way. For knowing what is best for you and for knowing when it is worth it and when it isn't.

 

I have something similarish with my dad. I have questions I'd like answers to that I could ask my dad, but I'm not because I know it will stir up painful memories and the information just isn't worth it. And as you said, we don't have that kind of relationship where he tells me a lot about his past. I know every little about stuff that happened before I have memories about stuff. And I know this isn't quite the same or even your whole point, but I thought I'd mention it.

[fleaball]

16 minutes ago, Dagger said:

I have something similarish with my dad. I have questions I'd like answers to that I could ask my dad, but I'm not because I know it will stir up painful memories and the information just isn't worth it. And as you said, we don't have that kind of relationship where he tells me a lot about his past. I know every little about stuff that happened before I have memories about stuff. And I know this isn't quite the same or even your whole point, but I thought I'd mention it.

The circumstances are different but I think overall it's pretty similar.

 

17 minutes ago, Dagger said:

Doing something because it is the "right" thing to do or what society says you "must" do or what everyone else thinks is the "best" for you, just isn't important.

 

You know yourself best. Sure, it is good to get input from others, but then you filter it through your lens and see if it makes sense to you. So power to you for doing it your way. For knowing what is best for you and for knowing when it is worth it and when it isn't.

This is how I try to go about things in general, even if I don't succeed. The problem in this particular case is that I do kinda want something I can do with my mother? Like I don't want to look back on it one day and be like "wow that whole time this was happening we didn't do anything and it's basically like I just waited for her to die." Which, yeah, is still me thinking there's a ~thing~ I need to be doing. Otoh, she doesn't want me going home very often so whatever we do would have to be via phone/Skype, and she's already said she might be too tired for long or frequent phone calls. So oops? And again, yes staying connected is important and I don't want to lose anything, but frantically trying to restructure our entire relationship for however long she has left is not realistic. I can't go back in time and remove all the things that currently make our relationship wonky and I can't make up for lost time.

 

And Jesus fucking Christ now that I've mentioned the wonky relationship my brain has decided to go down the fucking rabbit hole and tell me I'm a bad daughter. Because I may not have needed or valued the relationship but what if she did and I wasn't there for her? Fuck that. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Do I feel bad that she's probably been depressed most of my life and never got help for it? And that she has few to no real friends? And has several other issues that have kept her from living a fulfilling life? Yes. And that's depressing as hell. But I fucking tried. I offered to go to events with her and suggested things to do and looked up ways to deal with her fibromyalgia, and all kinds of other stuff. But at the end of the day you can't make someone do things they don't want to do, even if it would be to their benefit. And you can't rely on your child to fix things for you or to be your best friend. I'm crying now because it hurts to realize exactly how miserable her life has been and that it's not going to get any better at this point. And I'm angry that it turned out that way. But I will not let myself feel guilty about it. This is not on me. I did not make her choices for her. I will be grateful that she was there for me when I needed it and I will acknowledge that there were probably times that I could have done a better job being there for her, because I think everyone drops the ball sometimes even without realizing it, but I will not take the blame for the times that she wouldn't let me be there for her. That is not my fault. 

 

Bets on how many times I have to reread that paragraph before I fully believe it?

[Dagger]

You may feel like a hot mess, but you are a smart hot mess. Knowing intellectually is the first step. Yeah, it might take rereading that paragraph a hundred times multiplied by a thousand before you can believe it, but it is the truth.

[fleaball]

10 hours ago, Dagger said:

You may feel like a hot mess, but you are a smart hot mess. Knowing intellectually is the first step. Yeah, it might take rereading that paragraph a hundred times multiplied by a thousand before you can believe it, but it is the truth.

It's funny because even though I don't quite believe it yet (I want to but still feel guilty about it, surprise surprise, so I'm resistant to accepting it) I'm still massively annoyed that my therapist is on vacation this week. I want to run into her office tomorrow waving my phone and yelling "look what I wrote on NF! All by myself before anyone could yell at me!" Because while I may not necessarily subscribe to these things immediately, I can still recognize that it's a massive achievement for me not just to recognize negative thought patterns but to also talk myself out of them without being prompted. So I'm hella proud of myself. 

 

In other news, I'm currently cleaning my room and it feels really good. The thing that prompted it is not "my room is a disaster and it's stressing me out" (though that was true), but my calves are super tight and feel a little crampy so I decided walking around/standing up for a while would be better. All I've been doing for almost a month is just sitting or lying in bed. I realize the likelihood of spontaneously developing blood clots is low and my mother's were likely related to her cancer, but her having them has put them back in my mind anyway and I'm paranoid. Compounded by the fact that her legs didn't swell, which is usually the biggest indicator iirc? Her ankles would swell if she was on her feet for a while but it would go down again later. I know the other main symptoms are the site being warm to the touch (which I don't have) and pain. I panicked once and went to the ER a few years ago thinking I had a clot and they were like "no you would definitely know." What finally drove my mother to the ER was that standing or walking was intensely painful. I don't have that, just the weird crampy feeling (which could also be related to the fact that I haven't been drinking nearly enough water over the past few weeks) and my legs get twitchy. I'm assuming it's more related to varicose veins than anything. But yes. Paranoia ftl. At least I'm translating it into something productive right now?

[Dagger]

17 minutes ago, fleaball said:

At least I'm translating it into something productive right now?

That is all we can ask for in ourself.

[fleaball]

My roommate is such an enigma. We're opposite on a lot of things, but she's one of the few people I've traveled with and haven't wanted to strangle halfway through the trip. She gets on my case about a lot of things that are attributable to my anxiety, but she's surprisingly considerate about other aspects of it. Sometimes I really want to punch her just because our approaches to things are so different and she seems totally incapable of even understanding where I'm coming from. And then she goes and does things that are above and beyond what I'd expect. Like when I was in the hospital and she spent 8 hours with me the first day, and then came in before and after work the next few days, and also met my mother at the airport and helped her get settled, etc. That was insane. 

 

And now I'm going to cry but it's finally not because I'm sad. I'm going to blame it on PMS and being emotional in general though. I went around to a bunch of offices at school yesterday trying to see if it was possible to get graduation regalia for a few days so I could get pictures done for my mother. Today the manager of the campus bookstore called me and said they did have some stuff on hand because people turned it in late after December's graduation (I had issues with her attitude but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth) and she'd call me tomorrow or Friday once she'd dug it out to go pick it up. Texted my roommate to ask if she knew of any portrait places in town and she said no, but we can do it at home if I want. Because she's really good at photography. Just immediately offered and even said we should do it this weekend if I get the stuff. I know she recognizes the urgency of it and how important it is to me. Especially because she's gotten a string of bad news the past two days (didn't get a few jobs she'd applied/interviewed for, LSAT score was apparently much lower than she wanted/needed) and just jumped on this. Even said we could get creative/have fun with it, like taking pictures with the stuffed cat my mother brought me in the hospital that somehow became a much bigger thing than the joke she intended it to be. And now I'm sitting here crying because I'm just blown away by this. And maybe it's not necessarily that incredible and is just a me-thing, like I don't think I'm important enough for people to do things for me or whatever. But either way I just can't get over it. All day I've been sitting here going "I can't believe she's doing this for me."

 

I don't know what the actual point of this post was. Maybe just to tell someone? Because it's not like I can call my mother and tell her (I want this to be a surprise) and my roommate already brushed off my gratitude (I probably made her uncomfortable tbh) so yeah. Here, have more of Flea emoting. Two weeks ago I would have said it's a rare occurrence but now I'd be lying. 

[NeverThatBored]

That's so nice~~! <3 

[fleaball]

Finally got my Pass for the workshop Halloween weekend. (I went to the advising office to complain on Tuesday and I'm wondering if that had anything to do with it or if it's just a coincidence.) Either way, I'm now officially 9 credits away from my Master's degree. No pressure, right? 

[Dagger]

9 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

That's so nice~~! <3 

Seconded!

[fleaball]

Uggggggh. Dumb day is dumb. Didnt want to get out of bed this morning. Had a very talkative Uber driver who was more interested in talking than having a conversation but still expected me to interject at the appropriate times. Had to wait for my mobile order at Starbucks and they screwed up my drink anyway but hey it doesn't matter because I barely made it to my appointment since they took so long and I didn't have time to drink it. Now I'm at the pulmonologist and it's going to be a long fucking appointment because they're doing the breathing test again, so before I even see the doctor they started it, had me do an inhaler, and now I have to wait 20 minutes to do the test again before she comes in. All this because the last time I was here no one told me not to use my inhaler before I came AND they didn't tell me it would take so fucking long, bc I had to book it to my therapist right after. Rawr. 

 

Also my mother is having her first chemo session in about an hour. So I'm only slightly freaking out. About the chemo in general, but also because a.) my grandmother only made it to one treatment before things went south and b.) I found my old LiveJournal the other day and in rereading it discovered that my grandfather didn't choose not to have chemo, he actually went to have the first one done and they wound up admitting him to the hospital with an infection instead. So my family just doesn't have a good track record with this and it makes me nervous. 

 

Oh maaaan I'm listening to someone else in this office cough up a lung and at least I don't sound like them. 

[Jarric]

Just caught up. I'm sorry I've not be around on here and really really sorry for what you've been going through.

 

I understand your reaction to your roommate's offer though, sometime a small gesture in the right place can mean the absolute world.

 

 

[fleaball]

7 hours ago, Jarric said:

Just caught up. I'm sorry I've not be around on here and really really sorry for what you've been going through.

 

I understand your reaction to your roommate's offer though, sometime a small gesture in the right place can mean the absolute world.

 

 

<3

 

Is it sad that I can tell you what episode each of those hugs came from?

[fleaball]

Ugh. Had started a rant about anxiety coming back but I don't feel like continuing it. If I start acting like more of a basket case in the near future though, it's because I'm backsliding a bit. Understandable, as there's a huge traumatic life event happening on top of regularly scheduled bullshit. I'm frustrated as hell with my reactions but whatever, I need to practice being nice to myself anyway right? I might write about what's happening here or I might save it for my journal so I can think it out more. 

 

Today started out unpleasant, some good things happened, and then at some point I just got really high strung and everything was making me extra anxious. I still feel tense right now, actually, which I hadn't realized. Meh. But what tipped me over the edge was checking my health insurance account and seeing that they didn't pay anything toward the weird electro shock machine thing that the physical therapy office assured me repeatedly in August would be 100% covered. And costs nearly $2k. I'm assuming they denied it, but the super fun part is that you see dollar amounts but they don't actually post the pdf of the EoB until like two days later, so it's vaguely possible I could be freaking out over nothing. So we'll see what happens. But not only was I pissed about that, I started imagining the angry conversation(s) I'm going to have with that office about how they're full of shit etc, which strung me out even more. 

 

I need to find a way to distract myself when I get like this and burn off energy while being productive. Cleaning is no good because you can't always see your progress, and when I get like this I need tangible/visible results. Reading for school doesn't do anything, coloring actually stresses me out because I'm weird, and watching TV/movies/YouTube feels like a waste of time. Yoga takes too much effort and I sweat like a beast during even the most gentle of videos and don't want to have to deal with that after. Meh. I'll find something. 

 

Anyway! Good things that happened today! Because I cannot be 100% a downer. 

• Pulmonologist: breathing tests came back normal; I may not have chronic asthma, it may actually be acid reflux that I'm not noticing irritate the shit out of my throat and making me cough (I got orders for two tests I have to schedule at the hospital ugh); I'm totally allowed to exercise (including running and ice skating!) so long as I use my inhaler beforehand and have it with my just in case, it's all good. 
• I'm also really glad I moved the appointment to today from next week because I would have missed like 3 hours of work and been super stressed out about it.
• Went to campus after, wound up talking to someone for a bit and it wasn't awful. 
• Went to Student Health because I needed a professional to tell me I'm a fucking nutjob and don't have blood clots in my legs. Immediately felt 100% better about it. I knew it was slightly ridiculous going in but oh well. My favorite NP is back from maternity leave and she was super understanding so whatever. I don't feel bad about it and I'm no longer concerned about surprise blood clots. 
• Amazon Prime Now is amazing. 
• Shenanigans in various threads earlier today. 

There were other threads I wanted to pop in on today but when I got home this evening I just hit a wall and couldn't bring myself to do anything. I'll get people tomorrow.

[Countess D'If]

I didn't do yoga today. 

 

I also spent all day working on a thing and tomorrow I'm going to scrap everything I worked on today.

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

I didn't do yoga today. 

 

I also spent all day working on a thing and tomorrow I'm going to scrap everything I worked on today.

Oof. That's rough.  

[Owlet]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Today started out unpleasant, some good things happened, and then at some point I just got really high strung and everything was making me extra anxious.

Oh man, I hate it when this happens! There's no reasoning with it either. Sounds like you actually did lots today though, so well done. Good choice going to student health too, no point stewing over stuff when you can get someone to settle that fear for you. 

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Had started a rant about anxiety coming back but I don't feel like continuing it. If I start acting like more of a basket case in the near future though, it's because I'm backsliding a bit. Understandable, as there's a huge traumatic life event happening on top of regularly scheduled bullshit. I'm frustrated as hell with my reactions but whatever, I need to practice being nice to myself anyway right?

Um yeah, totally understandable. Let me know if you work out how to be kinder to yourself :'D No but seriously, you're doing amazing and you're amazing. Good sentence eh.

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I need to find a way to distract myself when I get like this and burn off energy while being productive. Cleaning is no good because you can't always see your progress, and when I get like this I need tangible/visible results. Reading for school doesn't do anything, coloring actually stresses me out because I'm weird, and watching TV/movies/YouTube feels like a waste of time. Yoga takes too much effort and I sweat like a beast during even the most gentle of videos and don't want to have to deal with that after. Meh. I'll find something. 

Maybe your house isn't dirty enough?! Mine is ok now, but I was definitely able to see progress when I was getting rid of all the mold lol. Don't suppose you have a garden? I love a good rage session in the garden, best way to do the weeding! 

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Pulmonologist: breathing tests came back normal; I may not have chronic asthma, it may actually be acid reflux that I'm not noticing irritate the shit out of my throat and making me cough (I got orders for two tests I have to schedule at the hospital ugh); I'm totally allowed to exercise (including running and ice skating!) so long as I use my inhaler beforehand and have it with my just in case, it's all good. 

Yay! That sounds much better than chronic asthma. Ice skating you say? Is that something you're thinking of doing? I've only been a few times so I'm clumsy as fuck but it is fun. Even if the boots do hurt a lot. But yay so slidey.

 

[fleaball]

19 hours ago, Owlet said:

Oh man, I hate it when this happens! There's no reasoning with it either. Sounds like you actually did lots today though, so well done. Good choice going to student health too, no point stewing over stuff when you can get someone to settle that fear for you. 

I know a big part of it right now is just that there's a lot going on and I'm not dealing with it, at least anxiety-wise. Like I'm managing and pushing through it when there's stuff that absoutely has to get done, but beyond that I've basically spent the past week lying in bed, either on here or reading fanfic and just ignoring my problems. So now it's not "I need to go to the store," it's "I need to go to this store for this, and while I'm out I should go to the other store for that, but it's cold out and I don't want to drive my car because it still smells funny, but I should have done this other errand days ago so if I go out I HAVE to do that too even though it's in the opposite direction." And then I freeze and do nothing, so the next day there's all that and more. Hence why journaling and meditating are challenge goals. (Now if only I would DO them.) I did manage to knock a few tasks off the to do list today (ordered one thing online, went to one store, decided a few things can legitimately wait til later) so there's that, at least. And yeah I was vagely pleased with myself for going to student health. Yeah it cost money and yeah I knew I was fine, but my brain is irrational. I literally walked in and was like "So this is basically a waste of time but I just need a professional to tell me I'm okay." And she was totally fine about it, ran through all the risk factors with me, and even told me she'd order an ultrasound if I wanted one/needed it to feel better but said let's wait a few days just in case. I'm gonna miss her when I graduate.

 

19 hours ago, Owlet said:

Um yeah, totally understandable. Let me know if you work out how to be kinder to yourself :'D No but seriously, you're doing amazing and you're amazing. Good sentence eh.

Haha if I solve that mystery I'll be rich. I'll give you the answer free of charge though, because I kinda like you.  Wonderful sentence, I need these things told to me in small words so it's harder to argue. =P Thanks.

 

19 hours ago, Owlet said:

Maybe your house isn't dirty enough?! Mine is ok now, but I was definitely able to see progress when I was getting rid of all the mold lol. Don't suppose you have a garden? I love a good rage session in the garden, best way to do the weeding! 

Unfortunately I'm not a person who cleans in a linear fashion, so it's like, take some stuff off my desk and put it where it belongs, work on the floordrobe and get distracted organizing the closet when I hang something up, move a thing to a storage bin under my bed and then organize that bin and shove it back under the bed where I can't see it anyway... I could be doing stuff for hours and throw out several bags of trash or something and still not really see what I'd done. I need to scrub out the shower but I really don't want to do that one lol. We don't have a garden but now I almost want one just for that purpose.

 

19 hours ago, Owlet said:

Yay! That sounds much better than chronic asthma. Ice skating you say? Is that something you're thinking of doing? I've only been a few times so I'm clumsy as fuck but it is fun. Even if the boots do hurt a lot. But yay so slidey.

I've been dying to go ice skating forever but I couldn't tell you why. It's probably been 15 years since I did that or roller blading. But @Sylvaa was saying we should do something and I threw it out there as an idea, pending doctor approval. It's probably going to be a shitshow if we ever get there, but no less ridiculous than running through mud, I suppose. 

[Countess D'If]

20 hours ago, Owlet said:

 

 

 

I spent way too long watching this

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Countess D'If said:

 

 

I spent way too long watching this

It's glorious and loops almost perfectly. There's no such thing as too long. 

[Owlet]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I know a big part of it right now is just that there's a lot going on and I'm not dealing with it, at least anxiety-wise. Like I'm managing and pushing through it when there's stuff that absoutely has to get done, but beyond that I've basically spent the past week lying in bed, either on here or reading fanfic and just ignoring my problems. So now it's not "I need to go to the store," it's "I need to go to this store for this, and while I'm out I should go to the other store for that, but it's cold out and I don't want to drive my car because it still smells funny, but I should have done this other errand days ago so if I go out I HAVE to do that too even though it's in the opposite direction." And then I freeze and do nothing, so the next day there's all that and more. Hence why journaling and meditating are challenge goals. (Now if only I would DO them.) I did manage to knock a few tasks off the to do list today (ordered one thing online, went to one store, decided a few things can legitimately wait til later) so there's that, at least. And yeah I was vagely pleased with myself for going to student health. Yeah it cost money and yeah I knew I was fine, but my brain is irrational. I literally walked in and was like "So this is basically a waste of time but I just need a professional to tell me I'm okay." And she was totally fine about it, ran through all the risk factors with me, and even told me she'd order an ultrasound if I wanted one/needed it to feel better but said let's wait a few days just in case. I'm gonna miss her when I graduate.

Oh god, I empathise way too much with this! Doing errands and adult stuff is so bloody hard when you're struggling with anxiety and too much life drama in general. You're doing great though, if you can tick anything off the list, no matter how small, that is progress.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Haha if I solve that mystery I'll be rich. I'll give you the answer free of charge though, because I kinda like you.  Wonderful sentence, I need these things told to me in small words so it's harder to argue. =P Thanks.

Yussss. I look forward to hearing the secret. And aw shucks  

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Unfortunately I'm not a person who cleans in a linear fashion, so it's like, take some stuff off my desk and put it where it belongs, work on the floordrobe and get distracted organizing the closet when I hang something up, move a thing to a storage bin under my bed and then organize that bin and shove it back under the bed where I can't see it anyway... I could be doing stuff for hours and throw out several bags of trash or something and still not really see what I'd done. I need to scrub out the shower but I really don't want to do that one lol. We don't have a garden but now I almost want one just for that purpose.

Haha god that sounds stressful. 

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've been dying to go ice skating forever but I couldn't tell you why. It's probably been 15 years since I did that or roller blading. But @Sylvaa was saying we should do something and I threw it out there as an idea, pending doctor approval. It's probably going to be a shitshow if we ever get there, but no less ridiculous than running through mud, I suppose. 

Doooo iiiit! You can get a road cone to use as balance  at least, that's what we did when I was a kid, maybe there are more professional options these days...

[Dagger]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

Oh god, I empathise way too much with this! Doing errands and adult stuff is so bloody hard when you're struggling with anxiety and too much life drama in general. You're doing great though, if you can tick anything off the list, no matter how small, that is progress.

QFT. Adulting really is super hard when anxiety is high (and you have more on top of that). So yes, take what you did as victories.

[Sylvaa]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've been dying to go ice skating forever but I couldn't tell you why. It's probably been 15 years since I did that or roller blading. But @Sylvaa was saying we should do something and I threw it out there as an idea, pending doctor approval. It's probably going to be a shitshow if we ever get there, but no less ridiculous than running through mud, I suppose. 

 

Mud is less ridiculous to me! I'm much less clumsy on mud. But I'm all about doing things. 

 

But since you want to do it, it's the perfect thing to do!