Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Emailed my thesis advisor lady (and fuck I almost regret picking this over the consulting project thing right now because ugh) to give her a heads up about my mother, because I'm not registered for the thing yet so she won't get an email from the Dean of Students. (Did I say somewhere that I went to that office on Monday too? I wanted it on record, so to speak, that I might be missing class on short notice at some point in the semester. The woman I spoke with said she'd email my professors next week to give them a vague "this student has an ongoing family issue" heads up and leave it to me to fill in the blanks how/if I want to.) And I get back, "It must have been a difficult decision for you to stay in DC and focus on finishing the degree this spring." Is this patronizing or am I being overly sensitive? Because this woman already grates on my nerves so it's not impossible that I'm looking for things to get pissed off about. But I'd already said in my email that my mother wants me to stay here and focus on school. And I feel like it's almost a condemnation of my being here instead of staying at home to be with her. We know how I feel about that anyway so also no surprise I'm having that reaction. Idk. The more I think about it, the more I'm sort of angry about it. Because I'm pretty sure I've said here and I know I've told my therapist that I can't be expected to give up my life and move back home if something happened, but the more I think about it the more I'm wondering what the fuck I would do if I stayed at home. Like, as of right now, she's in reasonably good health, all things considered. She could have a year or more, who knows. Am I really supposed to quit my job (internship but whatever), quit my last semester of school, and go home for an undetermined amount of time to sit around and wait for my mother to die? Because that's what that would mean. And if I'm being judged for that then fuck it. 

 

Ugggggh I'm so mad that the one prof I really liked is on sabbatical this semester so I couldn't ask her to advise a thesis instead. I would have done it on some kind of queer thing and it would have been perfect if I ever decided to do a PhD. Instead I'm stuck with this woman that I want to punch in the face, and the semester hasn't even started yet.

[NeverThatBored]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

And I get back, "It must have been a difficult decision for you to stay in DC and focus on finishing the degree this spring." Is this patronizing or am I being overly sensitive? Because this woman already grates on my nerves so it's not impossible that I'm looking for things to get pissed off about. But I'd already said in my email that my mother wants me to stay here and focus on school.

 

I don't think she was being patronizing. You told her that your mother wants you to stay and focus on school. If someone I didn't know came to me to tell me about something like that, I would probably say something like "wow that must be difficult" just to mean that I understand how difficult a time they were going through. It sounds like that's what she's doing - just saying she understands that you're going through something difficult. 

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

I don't think she was being patronizing. You told her that your mother wants you to stay and focus on school. If someone I didn't know came to me to tell me about something like that, I would probably say something like "wow that must be difficult" just to mean that I understand how difficult a time they were going through. It sounds like that's what she's doing - just saying she understands that you're going through something difficult. 

I hadn't thought about it from that angle, as it being a sympathetic thing I mean. That could be it. I've had some issues with her tone in conversation and was super annoyed with her yesterday anyway because nothing is a priority unless it's her priority, so maybe I'm assuming she's just being a dick about everything now.

[NeverThatBored]

1 minute ago, fleaball said:

I hadn't thought about it from that angle, as it being a sympathetic thing I mean. That could be it. I've had some issues with her tone in conversation and was super annoyed with her yesterday anyway because nothing is a priority unless it's her priority, so maybe I'm assuming she's just being a dick about everything now.

 

She probably is. But even jerks tend to try to say something nice in situations like yours. So it was probably just an awkward nice. 

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

She probably is. But even jerks tend to try to say something nice in situations like yours. So it was probably just an awkward nice. 

Yessss now I feel okay about being a dick too. Thanks. =P

[fleaball]

Welp. Insurance in fact did not pay for the weird electro shock thingy. Apparently devices aren't covered by my plan? Which pisses me the fuck off and I'm wondering if I was super naive to believe the PT office when they said it was covered. I haven't ever used it because I was waiting to make sure it was covered, on the odd chance I can return it or resell it or something. (Neither are likely, I know.) I called the company and left a message telling them to stop sending me extra equipment for it that I never asked for, and sent them an email with the same thing and asking where to return it to. In googling their contact info, of course, I find complaints against them on the Better Business Bureau and ripoffreport.com. Fucking figures. I'll call my insurance company on Monday to ask about it and see if they can tell me whether the PT office every actually called them or if they were just full of shit. And then call the PT office to ask to return it there because they lied to me. I have a feeling this is going to turn into a fucking saga. But the PT office is in Maryland and the equipment company is in Florida and I'm prepared to file complaints against both of them if I have to. I'll probably still get stuck with $1500 worth of bullshit equipment at the end of the day but I'll make sure to be a pain in the ass the whole way. I'd refuse to pay it but I kinda don't want to have a thing sent to collections hanging out on my credit report. Although some of the complaints I read online including people being sent to collections without ever receiving a bill, so who knows. This could be barrels of fun.

 

Ha. The paperwork included with the machine includes a phone number to report "complaint or grievance regarding the services you receive" with phone numbers for the state of Florida as well as some other organization in North Carolina. Duly noted. 

[fleaball]

In other news, because I apparently can't shut up tonight: holy shit is it possible for a proton pump inhibitor to have immediate results? That's what the pulmonologist prescribed me for the acid reflux and I only started taking it this morning but I've barely coughed at all? And my chest hurts so much less today? Seriously fuck my entire life if this is what my problem has been the entire time. I'm not necessarily mad at myself for not noticing (NP at student health said the same thing, that she has it but doesn't actually get the heartburn or chest pain? although the latter part confuses me) because yeah it makes sense to attritbute chest pain and a sore throat to a constant cough. But if it was that simple I'm just going to shake my head at the universe, man. What the fuck. I'm on this medication for 6 weeks and in the meantime hopefully losing weight and eating better will make it improve as well. And possibly cutting coffee. I keep leaning on it for caffeine but I never actually finish a coffee anymore. Whether I make it at home, at work, or get it from Sbux or somewhere else. Hell when I make it at home recently I've been taking a few sips and then forgetting about it for hours. Maybe it's time to switch to green tea. I really wish my life would give it a rest with all the shakeups happening at the same time though. This is rather obnoxious. 

[fleaball]

I really do want to punch this lady. I'd told her I need advance notice if I have to get time off from my internship for meetings with our clients, and suddenly I've gotten 4 emails in 2 days about schedule changes and it looks like I need to take off five hours on Wednesday? Which, I'd told the internship when they asked me to stay on that I'd need time for meetings for this thing and they were cool with it, and technically I'm doing them a favor by starting next week anyway since the internship program doesn't actually start til the end of the month, but still. This is a little bit ridiculous. I'm lucky I work a few blocks from where our meetings are, otherwise I'd have to take the whole day. 

 

And then I have to leave early on Friday for a CT scan. Because the pulmonologist is affiliated with the same hospital where I had the plague, and she saw the CT scan they did there in November 2015 where I had a shit ton of fluid on my lungs... because they'd given me 9L of fluid in like 24 hours and it was just hanging out. So she wants to do another one just in case. Hooray for being thorough but really? 

[fleaball]

Roommate's friend just got here and is stomping around the house making a shit ton of noise and wearing her boots which are covered in snow and rock salt, on our hardwood floors. I know I'm already on edge because of all the other bullshit happening but fucking seriously?

[Deluxe]

What do you find relaxing? Maybe indulge in a bit of that right now? Try to forget about the irritants and bothers, even for a few minutes. Then think about them with this more relaxed mood. Works wonders for me, therapist taught me this in college. It can take effort to calm down, but really try. This obviously doesn't work for HUGE issues, but it helps for the little stuff even when they combine and all start to look big.

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Deluxe said:

What do you find relaxing? Maybe indulge in a bit of that right now? Try to forget about the irritants and bothers, even for a few minutes. Then think about them with this more relaxed mood. Works wonders for me, therapist taught me this in college. It can take effort to calm down, but really try. This obviously doesn't work for HUGE issues, but it helps for the little stuff even when they combine and all start to look big.

I'm reading fanfiction right now and trying to ignore the fact that it sounds like my roommate's friend is currently moving into our house. I'll move on to journaling in a little bit so I can rant more to get it all out and if that doesn't work I'll cave and make tea. I know I'm extra touchy at the moment so I'm definitely trying to ignore everything right now.

[NeverThatBored]

Sounds like a good time to meditate too! Or listen to some music to block out the sounds. 

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, NeverThatBored said:

Sounds like a good time to meditate too! Or listen to some music to block out the sounds. 

Hurr durr I thought I said that too. Definitely also on the list. I have music on already but the smarter thing to do would have been to use headphones instead of just turning up my computer. 

 

I'm currently waiting for her to go back out again because I have to pee but don't actually want to run into her in the hall. Even on a good day when I'm not annoyed by everything in the universe, it's basically impossible to have a short conversation with her and I can never get away. 

[fleaball]

Dear @Severine, for the last hour your profile has said you've been viewing this thread. If you're reading the entire damn thing, I salute you. And I'm sorry. 

[fleaball]

Things that are in my living room right now that weren't there two hours ago: four suitcases, a bookcase, several bags and boxes, and a 50" flat screen TV. My roommate and I may have some communication issues but I'm pretty sure she would tell me if this girl was actually moving in. Huh, or not, because I think she might have known that this was at least a possibility, now that I think about it. Technically she's only here temporarily, because she's on the inauguration committee and that's kind of over on the 19th. But she's hoping it will lead to a job in the administration. And if it doesn't, she's still looking for jobs in DC. So there's no way she's actually going to be looking for an apartment in the next two weeks. And like, fine, my roommate is never home as it is so she can do whatever with her room. But it would have been nice for someone to give me a heads up on this? Ugh. I'm going to drink my tea and be an ostrich. 

 

There are also footprints on the floor from the salt. 

 

Okay. Shutting up.

[Owlet]

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Things that are in my living room right now that weren't there two hours ago: four suitcases, a bookcase, several bags and boxes, and a 50" flat screen TV.

Fucking seriously? Not cool. Ugh. Sending you calming vibes (or trying to. Does it work if I'm not feeling calm either?) yay for less coughing though, that is great.

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

Fucking seriously? Not cool. Ugh. Sending you calming vibes (or trying to. Does it work if I'm not feeling calm either?) yay for less coughing though, that is great.

I think I've reached point where you get so mad you're just calm about everything? So there's that. I'm also drinking honey lavender tea, which is helping. So I'll send you calm vibes too.  And yeah, at least I've got one good thing going for me right now lol.

[Owlet]

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I think I've reached point where you get so mad you're just calm about everything? So there's that. I'm also drinking honey lavender tea, which is helping. So I'll send you calm vibes too.  And yeah, at least I've got one good thing going for me right now lol.

2 things even - you don't have blood clots remember  that sounds like some intensely calming tea. I'm drinking beer. In a sunbeam. With my scarf on. It's confusing. 

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

2 things even - you don't have blood clots remember  that sounds like some intensely calming tea. I'm drinking beer. In a sunbeam. With my scarf on. It's confusing. 

Okay I know it's summer. And it's only what, 4:30? So it shouldn't even be cooling down yet. Why are you wearing a scarf?! And yes, thanks for the reminder. That's also a very good thing happening in my life right now.

[Owlet]

Just now, fleaball said:

Okay I know it's summer. And it's only what, 4:30? So it shouldn't even be cooling down yet. Why are you wearing a scarf?! And yes, thanks for the reminder. That's also a very good thing happening in my life right now.

Ah now look at you, you're learning the seasons =P It's partly because our summer is pretty shite this year and partly because I just get cold really easily. And hot. I have a little tolerance for temperatures lol. And you're welcome

[fleaball]

Give it a few days, I'll freak out again when you say something summery.

[Severine]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Dear @Severine, for the last hour your profile has said you've been viewing this thread. If you're reading the entire damn thing, I salute you. And I'm sorry. 

 

The precision with which this site lets people see what their friends are doing is both super useful and slightly disturbing  And yes I was catching up from where I left off. And holy shit, flea. It feels stupid to say that you've had a terrible string of things happen in your life the past couple months, since obviously you know that, but my chest seriously was aching as I read through everything. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened, especially for your mum, and I think you've handled it with incredible resilience and good humour. And seriously, you are owed a few years of flawless life perfection at some point in the future, because you've dealt with more bad luck this year than many people see in a decade.

 

A couple (hopefully) relevant thoughts:

• You know that I live in Boston. If something happens and you need someone here locally to help out, I'm available, okay? Like if you need a pick up from the airport so your parents don't have to deal with it, or you can't get ahold of them and you want someone to drive by and knock on the door and make sure they're okay, or they need groceries delivered or someone to give your mum a ride to chemo, or whatever. This is 100% a genuine offer that I hope you will feel able to take me up on. With my business closed down now, I have way way more time than I had before and this is something I could totally do. If your parents would be weirded out by internet friends swooping in, you can always pretend you met me at some French language thing or something.
• Holy shit your health issues. I am glad the proton pump inhibitor is maybe helping. Acid reflux can have all sorts of terrible impacts. Also overlaps a lot with anxiety. I'm glad you're so on the ball about getting medical care (like seriously, you're better at getting up the gumption to go to the doctor than almost anyone else I know) but I'm sorry you keep getting bounced around with unhelpful half-true-maybe-we-don't-know diagnoses. And WTF about that shock device?? So infuriating. I hope you can get that sorted.
  • Random thought: have you been checked for allergies/post-nasal drip? I have that fun combo (my allergy is to mold, and it went undetected for a long time because I don't have sneezing or red eyes, just the PND) and it causes a lot of throat agitation from the stupid mucus, which used to give me coughs and ear issues (since ear-nose-throat are all connected) before I got it under control. So might be worth seeing an ENT if this other thing doesn't solve it?
• I saw you commented on my thread so I assume you know that my F-I-L just passed away from cancer less than a month ago. I'm hesitant to mention this because I don't want to make it awkward or make it seem like I'm trying to make your problems about me, or overgeneralize from my experiences. Basically I too struggle with anxiety and I am super anxious about saying the wrong thing. But I also really feel like you might need to hear that the things you're feeling and scared/angry/wondering about are normal parts of human experience and not any kind of sign that you're selfish or bad. And maybe some of what we just went through can help you? I don't know. Please feel free to ignore this and try not to hate me if I've faux-pas'd by writing it.
  • Cancer's awful, but you know that already. What I can say is that they gave my F-I-L 6-18 months to live when they diagnosed him (it was colon cancer that had spread to the liver and a few other places by the time they found it, and then continued to spread all over his body continually despite treatment), and he lived 7+ years. And during that time he had a lot of chemo and radiation and more surgeries than I care to remember, but he was actually in pretty good shape for 90% of that time. Doctors never really know what's going to happen. Which is kind of terrifying, but also gives cause for hope. So be prepared for bad stuff, but don't let it strangle you before it happens, you know?
  • My F-I-L was at MGH too. They're amazing there. Boston is probably, without exaggeration, the best place in the country to get sick if you have insurance to pay for all the incredible doctors here.
  • My partner D had a complicated relationship with his dad. Like, of course they loved each other, and they'd been mostly on-the-surface okay for several years but also had some serious not fully resolved issues from his teenage/college years that I don't really want to go into out of respect for D's privacy. But yeah, it adds a layer of...I don't know, something...to the sickness, and later on to the mourning. You're not weird or selfish for having complicated feelings about a complicated person. You're not a bad daughter because your memories of the shitty things your mum did (or neglected to do) don't just disappear or lose all relevance when she's sick. That's normal and that's part of the adult challenge of saying goodbye to our flawed parents.
  • Before D's dad passed, my partners and I were not out to D's family about our relationship situation because his dad was, in the past, actively homophobic and in general really judgemental about non-traditional things. So they thought L was just our roommate. And while we resented him for making us feel like we had to stay quiet, we were also terrified to tell him the truth when he was sick because what if it stressed him out and he got worse, or what if he stopped talking to D and then he didn't get to say goodbye to his dad? It's a really normal, but shitty, situation. I'm still not sure if we made the right call by never telling him. Like when we told D's mum last week, she didn't even care. At all. She was just, "oh, okay, whatever makes you happy" and it was so anticlimactic. And I wonder if we should have just told him. Like, he mellowed out about a lot of other things after getting diagnosed, maybe he wouldn't have cared about the queer/poly stuff either. And now we'll never know. So...at least you know? Sorry, not sure if any of this is at all okay for me to be commenting on.

And just in general, so many hugs. I wish so hard that I had been here to know about this and offer help, and like, actually be useful or at least uselessly kind. I'm incredibly impressed by the strength you've shown through all of this. Keep being you. You are awesome.

[fleaball]

3 minutes ago, Severine said:

You know that I live in Boston. If something happens and you need someone here locally to help out, I'm available, okay? Like if you need a pick up from the airport so your parents don't have to deal with it, or you can't get ahold of them and you want someone to drive by and knock on the door and make sure they're okay, or they need groceries delivered or someone to give your mum a ride to chemo, or whatever. This is 100% a genuine offer that I hope you will feel able to take me up on. With my business closed down now, I have way way more time than I had before and this is something I could totally do. If your parents would be weirded out by internet friends swooping in, you can always pretend you met me at some French language thing or something.

Thank you. <3 I really appreciate this. They know I've met a few people from NF irl so it wouldn't be that weird necessarily. I just wouldn't tell them you're one of the ones I haven't met yet.  They're in Medford and my father works in East Boston so everything is more or less convenient but I feel better knowing that there's another option if necessary. 

 

8 minutes ago, Severine said:

Holy shit your health issues. I am glad the proton pump inhibitor is maybe helping. Acid reflux can have all sorts of terrible impacts. Also overlaps a lot with anxiety. I'm glad you're so on the ball about getting medical care (like seriously, you're better at getting up the gumption to go to the doctor than almost anyone else I know) but I'm sorry you keep getting bounced around with unhelpful half-true-maybe-we-don't-know diagnoses. And WTF about that shock device?? So infuriating. I hope you can get that sorted.

• Random thought: have you been checked for allergies/post-nasal drip? I have that fun combo (my allergy is to mold, and it went undetected for a long time because I don't have sneezing or red eyes, just the PND) and it causes a lot of throat agitation from the stupid mucus, which used to give me coughs and ear issues (since ear-nose-throat are all connected) before I got it under control. So might be worth seeing an ENT if this other thing doesn't solve it?

It's so weird to me that I'm always on top of going to the doctor, because exactly zero people in my family are that way. And it's also weird because I will flake out on just about anything else no matter how important. The pulmonologist did a blood test for allergic reactions when I saw her in November and there was nothing. I'm assuming that's something different? I'd considered seeing an ENT but yeah, I want to see if this does anything. One of the people at Student Health said an allergist might be a possible next step as well. I was worried about mold for a whlie but (and I think I said this?) it didn't get better when I went home so it's likely not environmental. There is a bit of mold in the shower, I'm pretty sure, and I have a bottle of vinegar to kill it with, I just keep forgetting. Although tbqh my parents' house is now and frankly has always been a shithole, so if I survived there for years without any allergies I highly doubt there's anything here. We'd been in this house about 9 months before the cough started too.

 

16 minutes ago, Severine said:

I saw you commented on my thread so I assume you know that my F-I-L just passed away from cancer less than a month ago. I'm hesitant to mention this because I don't want to make it awkward or make it seem like I'm trying to make your problems about me, or overgeneralize from my experiences. Basically I too struggle with anxiety and I am super anxious about saying the wrong thing. But I also really feel like you might need to hear that the things you're feeling and scared/angry/wondering about are normal parts of human experience and not any kind of sign that you're selfish or bad. And maybe some of what we just went through can help you? I don't know. Please feel free to ignore this and try not to hate me if I've faux-pas'd by writing it.

Dude you're absolutely fine, share away. Tbh when I saw that in your thread I cringed and was like "I hope nothing in my thread sets her off."

 

I know there's always hope and doctors can't be sure. But from what I've read (American Cancer Society and some other reputable places) pancreatic is super fucked. Like it spreads to surrounding nerves and blood vessels? (I guess that's why it's inoperable. She did say that if she had surgery it wouldn't matter because it would just come right back.) I'm not sure if other kinds do that. But that's the point she's at now. I think the best we can hope for is dialing chemo back from every other week to something less often.  Honestly I'm guessing that since they didn't give her a timeline it's just that bad. I mean I'm still holding out hope, somewhere deep inside. At the very least I hope she makes it to my graduation. I am irrationally attached to the idea of that happening. Maybe because my grandmother (my favorite grandparent, so of course she was the first to go) died a month before I finished undergrad? So now that it's similar circumstances I don't want that to happen again? I mean it's almost silly because 3 years later my mother still has no concept of what my degree is actually in or what I want to do, career-wise. I guess that's not really related to the acheivement of finishing a degree but eh. It's 1 am, you can't expect me to be logical.  Anyway you're right, if you have to get sick, Boston is not a bad place to be. If I never move back there that might be the one thing I'd regret. 

 

34 minutes ago, Severine said:

My partner D had a complicated relationship with his dad. Like, of course they loved each other, and they'd been mostly on-the-surface okay for several years but also had some serious not fully resolved issues from his teenage/college years that I don't really want to go into out of respect for D's privacy. But yeah, it adds a layer of...I don't know, something...to the sickness, and later on to the mourning. You're not weird or selfish for having complicated feelings about a complicated person. You're not a bad daughter because your memories of the shitty things your mum did (or neglected to do) don't just disappear or lose all relevance when she's sick. That's normal and that's part of the adult challenge of saying goodbye to our flawed parents.

You all could hire a skywriter to tell me this and it's still going to take me years to accept it. It's one of those wonderful hypocritical things where of course it makes sense for everyone else and I would never think other people are awful for having weird relationships with their parents that aren't magically fixed, but somehow *I* am still awful. Even logically I know that's wrong but ugh. This is why I hate emotions. They make things so complicated. But thank you for saying this again anyway. Maybe it will stick eventually. What's funny is I feel like once it's over, none of this will be such a big deal. I wasn't as close with any of my grandparents as I am with my mother, although I loved the shit out of the first grandmother, but basically like, as soon as they died, I kinda just went "welp, nothing we can do about it now." Although my relationships with them weren't as complicated either. Who knows. 

 

43 minutes ago, Severine said:

Before D's dad passed, my partners and I were not out to D's family about our relationship situation because his dad was, in the past, actively homophobic and in general really judgemental about non-traditional things. So they thought L was just our roommate. And while we resented him for making us feel like we had to stay quiet, we were also terrified to tell him the truth when he was sick because what if it stressed him out and he got worse, or what if he stopped talking to D and then he didn't get to say goodbye to his dad? It's a really normal, but shitty, situation. I'm still not sure if we made the right call by never telling him. Like when we told D's mum last week, she didn't even care. At all. She was just, "oh, okay, whatever makes you happy" and it was so anticlimactic. And I wonder if we should have just told him. Like, he mellowed out about a lot of other things after getting diagnosed, maybe he wouldn't have cared about the queer/poly stuff either. And now we'll never know. So...at least you know? Sorry, not sure if any of this is at all okay for me to be commenting on.

Yes, oh my god this. This was it exactly. And no, you're definitely allowed to comment. I said somewhere before, maybe in a different thread?, if I throw it out on a public forum then all bets are off. I don't expect (as in require) replies to any specific thing, but if I put it out there then it's fair game. I'm so sorry you didn't get to come out to him. Obviously I understand why you made that decision and it sucks balls to have to make either way. 

 

51 minutes ago, Severine said:

And just in general, so many hugs. I wish so hard that I had been here to know about this and offer help, and like, actually be useful or at least uselessly kind. I'm incredibly impressed by the strength you've shown through all of this. Keep being you. You are awesome

Hey, it's fine. You had enough going on. Although I wish I could've been there for you too. And thanks. I may not believe it but I appreciate hearing it.

[Countess D'If]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

There are also footprints on the floor from the salt. 

Ghost problem?

[fleaball]

4 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

Ghost problem?

I wish. Especially if that meant Winchesters. No, it snowed yesterday so there was rock salt everywhere and roommate's friend tracked it ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I thought it might be limited to the stairs as she moved her stuff in but no, apparently some people don't mind stomping all over other people's hardwood floors in wet salty shoes.