Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Severine]

 

I'm glad you're glad you went home. Hopefully this weekend is good for both you and your family.

[Owlet]

[Dagger]

3 hours ago, Severine said:

I'm glad you're glad you went home. Hopefully this weekend is good for both you and your family.

Second this.

 

[Owlet]

Hope it's all going ok!

[fleaball]

6 hours ago, Owlet said:

Hope it's all going ok!

As good as can be expected, I guess. In some ways she's better than I thought she would be but she's also worse than I thought she would be? So it's a little rough but nothing terrible has happened so there's that. 

[fleaball]

Sitrep: bronchitis/cold/whatever it is is still sticking around but fingers are crossed she's better enough tomorrow morning for chemo. I'm trying to hang out with her when possible but she's spending a lot of time drifting in and out of sleep. She said yesterday she was feeling better than she had in a while and it might be because I'm home and of course me being me, I feel guilty about not being around more. Which is of course not how she meant it but still. We talked about my coming back in two weeks because of the long presidents day weekend but flights are outrageous and she said she'd rather have me come home in March for spring break. I'll have to talk it over with my supervisor because they'd planned on my being there the entire week; she said I could take time if I needed it but part of me is like "uh no you can't ask for a week off." Overall though she's not as bad as I was expecting. I was scared the first night because she seemed awful but apparently she'd taken a sleeping pill and that's why she was so off. Mostly she's been the same as usual, just a lot more tired and a bit scatterbrained. Last night she asked me to do her nails because they were long for the first time in a while and she wanted to keep them that way. So that was a bonding experience I guess. 

 

Overall it's been good. I've helped with a few things around the house (put all her bills on autopay for her, realized my father somehow misplaced a $16k check and went to the bank with him to figure it out, ran some errands and whatnot so they both have fewer things to worry about). I feel like I haven't done much and like this weekend was a waste as a result. Not for me but for them; even though she says I've helped them both out I feel like I could have or should have done more. I know this is a combination of my ridiculous need to do everything for everyone and also feeling guilty about not being around to do shit. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better. 

 

In other news, I think I have a cold and I'm fucking pissed because I have another lung function test on Wednesday and it says to reschedule if you have a cold because it could affect your results. I made this appointment a month ago and this was the soonest they had, so it could be forever before I get another if I have to reschedule. I'll call tomorrow and find out how much notice I have to give them to cancel because I really don't want to deal with putting it off.  

[Severine]

Ugh, the weird dance of trying to assess how someone is doing when they're battling a serious illness is such a mindfuck. Like the standards for what is good and bad suddenly warp, and so many things are unknown, and emotion is all mixed in with it. And one second you think the person seems better and the next moment you're worried again. At least she's doing a bit better now, and fingers crossed that she's well enough for chemo.

 

You can totally take time off if you need/want it! Which I'm sure you know. But also, you're not a bad person or a bad daughter if you can't come home a particular weekend due to timing or flight costs or whatever. Which...yeah I feel like I mostly just say things you already know, to help you argue against the part that says, "Right but if you were PERFECT...."

 

From an outsider perspective, it sounds like having you there was really helpful both emotionally and logistically. I know it's hard to ever feel like you have done enough, especially when she will be dealing with cancer no matter what you do. But it sounds like you were incredibly helpful and saved them a lot of time and stress by getting that stuff done. And the time you spent together (nails etc) sounds really sweet

 

As for the cold, that really blows. Hopefully it's just allergies or dust or something? I know you said your parents' house was kind of bad for that. Maybe get some Emergen-C and hope for the best? Fingers crossed.

[fleaball]

32 minutes ago, Severine said:

Ugh, the weird dance of trying to assess how someone is doing when they're battling a serious illness is such a mindfuck. Like the standards for what is good and bad suddenly warp, and so many things are unknown, and emotion is all mixed in with it. And one second you think the person seems better and the next moment you're worried again. At least she's doing a bit better now, and fingers crossed that she's well enough for chemo.

 

You can totally take time off if you need/want it! Which I'm sure you know. But also, you're not a bad person or a bad daughter if you can't come home a particular weekend due to timing or flight costs or whatever. Which...yeah I feel like I mostly just say things you already know, to help you argue against the part that says, "Right but if you were PERFECT...."

 

From an outsider perspective, it sounds like having you there was really helpful both emotionally and logistically. I know it's hard to ever feel like you have done enough, especially when she will be dealing with cancer no matter what you do. But it sounds like you were incredibly helpful and saved them a lot of time and stress by getting that stuff done. And the time you spent together (nails etc) sounds really sweet

 

As for the cold, that really blows. Hopefully it's just allergies or dust or something? I know you said your parents' house was kind of bad for that. Maybe get some Emergen-C and hope for the best? Fingers crossed.

Can't reply without crying rn bc I'm in that mode but will get back to you eventually. Totally sending her that picture tomorrow though. I got a vitamin water at the airport with 100% vitamin c and I have emergenc at home so I'll be chugging it for sure. I don't feel sick other than being stuffed up and yeah I hope it was just dust and cat hair that I'm not used to. I'm also dehydrated af bc the house was super hot and dry and also I just wasn't drinking as much water as usual bc I was busy. Fingers crossed I get over it very soon. 

[fleaball]

Guess who's at the ER? Can't ignore the probably-not-a-blood-clot and also got a sudden massive headache on the flight that I'm way too anxious to dismiss even though google says it's essentially sinus pressure so yeah woo. 

 

But hey the patriots just won the super bowl. 

[Severine]

Yep, I hear the fireworks.

 

Duuude I hope you're okay. Which you probably are, so try not to worry.

 

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Severine said:

Yep, I hear the fireworks.

 

Duuude I hope you're okay. Which you probably are, so try not to worry.

 

I'm 85% sure I am. Which almost makes it worse because I know I'm being ridiculous. Also I had to tell my mother because she wanted to know when I got home and if I'm going to demand that they be honest with me I can't say "yeah I'm home" and then tomorrow "lol jk I thought I was dying." Also the disbelieving looks from the hospital staff checking me in didn't help. Honestly I'm pretty sure if I were here for the good drugs I wouldn't be claiming a blood clot?

[fleaball]

Officially no blood clot. Headache got better then worse again. Still here getting more medication. It's 1:26 am. Probably gonna be calling out of work tomorrow but we'll see. 

 

I feel bad making my mother worry. This is the last thing she needs. Ugh. 

[fleaball]

Got more medication. Headache is better but not totally gone. Getting discharged. Whee. 

[Owlet]

Dear Flea's brain: stop stressing Flea out, she's got enough on her plate.

 

Glad you're ok! Sorry about the stress and headache though  

[fleaball]

It got better: I get home just shy of 3 am, turn on living room light to sort out my shit, K is there sleeping on the couch??? I don't feel bad about waking her up but wtf?

[Owlet]

dude, it's nearly my bedtime, let alone yours  As for K, uggghhhhh. 

[Dagger]

And the shit storm continues (comment on K being on the couch).

 

I agree with what @Severine said about your visit, she said it very well so I won't try to add to it. Just know that you did enough, you are enough. kthanksbye.

 

I'm glad the ER showed you were alright.

 

I'm glad you woke K up... sorry, but seriously, what is she doing there?

 

Anyway, take care of yourself. You deserve some time after your weekend. Seriously.

[Severine]

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

It got better: I get home just shy of 3 am, turn on living room light to sort out my shit, K is there sleeping on the couch??? I don't feel bad about waking her up but wtf?

 

UGH! You need to get one of these:

 

[fleaball]

This cold is eating my brain so no replies yet but my mother is for real trufax getting chemo at this very moment. Hallefuckinglujah. 

[fleaball]

On 2/5/2017 at 7:13 PM, Severine said:

Ugh, the weird dance of trying to assess how someone is doing when they're battling a serious illness is such a mindfuck. Like the standards for what is good and bad suddenly warp, and so many things are unknown, and emotion is all mixed in with it. And one second you think the person seems better and the next moment you're worried again. At least she's doing a bit better now, and fingers crossed that she's well enough for chemo.

 

You can totally take time off if you need/want it! Which I'm sure you know. But also, you're not a bad person or a bad daughter if you can't come home a particular weekend due to timing or flight costs or whatever. Which...yeah I feel like I mostly just say things you already know, to help you argue against the part that says, "Right but if you were PERFECT...."

 

From an outsider perspective, it sounds like having you there was really helpful both emotionally and logistically. I know it's hard to ever feel like you have done enough, especially when she will be dealing with cancer no matter what you do. But it sounds like you were incredibly helpful and saved them a lot of time and stress by getting that stuff done. And the time you spent together (nails etc) sounds really sweet

Yeah. Sometimes I could pretend everything was fine and she was just more tired than usual, and other times I was hyper aware of the situation. (Usually when she'd cough because ugh, bronchitis on top of everything else?)

 

I know I can take off time but part of me is still like, no that's way too much. But honestly I don't want to work here when this is over anyway so it's not like I'd be burning bridges. It's just my brain being dumb. 

 

Yeah she was saying I helped them both out and all that. But it will never feel like enough. Uggggh. 

 

On 2/6/2017 at 2:24 AM, Owlet said:

Dear Flea's brain: stop stressing Flea out, she's got enough on her plate.

 

Glad you're ok! Sorry about the stress and headache though  

<3

 

On 2/6/2017 at 3:04 AM, Owlet said:

dude, it's nearly my bedtime, let alone yours  As for K, uggghhhhh. 

Uggghhhhh is right. And yeah I totally got home at 3 am. 'Twas fun. 

 

On 2/6/2017 at 5:30 AM, Dagger said:

And the shit storm continues (comment on K being on the couch).

 

I agree with what @Severine said about your visit, she said it very well so I won't try to add to it. Just know that you did enough, you are enough. kthanksbye.

 

I'm glad the ER showed you were alright.

 

I'm glad you woke K up... sorry, but seriously, what is she doing there?

 

Anyway, take care of yourself. You deserve some time after your weekend. Seriously.

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

 

UGH! You need to get one of these:

 

 

 

So K was on the couch because she sold all the furniture at the friend's apartment she was staying at, I guess (at the friend's request), and roommate had said she and her boyfriend would be spending the night at our place so she needed her bed. They didn't make it back though. They also spent last night and apparently Saturday night there too. Idk if she's trying to force this girl out or if it's a legit thing. (He has back problems and her mattress is better. There was talk of swapping them but idk what's happening now.)

[fleaball]

Definitely have a cold. Not pleased. Rescheduled the test I had tomorrow but luckily they had an opening next week. 

 

Went to student health last night as a follow up from the ER and then got caught up talking about my mother and totally forgot I meant to mention that my side has been hurting for a while. Like at the bottom of my rib cage. It improves a bit if I sit up straight and I don't usually feel it when I wake up, but I don't know what it is. I haven't been coughing nearly as much so I don't think it's that. And the thing in my lung is probably not it either. The CT scan 3 weeks ago didn't show anything else so who knows. Maybe it's a combination of coughing and terrible posture. It's annoying but not incapacitating in any way. That's not stopping me from assuming it's something terrible. Ugh. I see the pulmonologist in 10 days, maybe she can figure it out. 

 

I wish I were more assertive than passive aggressive. Last night I totally ran out of fucks but couldn't call anyone out on anything. K was in the living room reading when I got home and my food delivery was 5 minutes away so I wasn't going upstairs til it got there. We were talking (me giving one-word answers while sitting on the stairs looking at my phone, mostly) until I realized there was more space in the living room and "oh you finally got rid of the TV that's been sitting here." And then I asked if she'd gotten rid of all her stuff in Florida and moved out of her apartment, she said she moved out and her shit's in storage, so I was like "so are you looking for a place up here yet?" Which, ugh, be more direct asshole. Tell her to fuck off. 

 

Also who remembers the friend from school that I always regret hanging out with because conversation always becomes about her and I can't get a word in edgewise? She texted me last night for the first time since November. Talked about her own shit for ten minutes. Asked if I was graduating this semester, I said yeah probably if I don't have a fucking breakdown because my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer right before Christmas. And she's like "oh dude I'm sorry." Followed immediately by "Christmas seems to be the time for family drama. My parents are on the brink of divorce again." Which just pissed me off because really? I know some people's communication style is to say things to try to relate to the other person but that's worlds apart? And also literally everyone else I've told has like, said "lmk if you need anything" or "what are you doing to take care of yourself?" or other supportive things. I literally have strangers on the internet saying supportive things here. And this girl just misses the boat. Ugh. It's a small thing to get mad about but whatever. 

 

Speaking of friends I need to drop, am I a bitch if I return the book and random stuff toy the obnoxious friend ordered for me a few weeks ago? Because I have no use for them and according to amazon people don't get notified when you return gifts. 

[Sylvaa]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Speaking of friends I need to drop, am I a bitch if I return the book and random stuff toy the obnoxious friend ordered for me a few weeks ago? Because I have no use for them and according to amazon people don't get notified when you return gifts. 

 

I don't know if it would be considered being a bitch, but I would return it. 

 

The only awkward thing you might have to deal with is if she comes to visit and asks where it is. 

[fleaball]

Just now, Sylvaa said:

 

I don't know if it would be considered being a bitch, but I would return it. 

 

The only awkward thing you might have to deal with is if she comes to visit and asks where it is. 

Trust me, she's not coming to visit. I lived here a year before she even brought it up, and that was only because she needed to get away from her mother. And in the years between my graduating/going back to Boston and moving down here, it was always "you should come visit" but never "hey I'll come up there."

 

Woo. I'll find the receipts when I go home and hope I haven't missed the return window. 

[NeverThatBored]

Seconding the return vote! You don't need to keep stuff you don't want. Especially when you can get $$ back for them. 

[fleaball]

This is why I keep you guys around.