LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Hit]

 

 

UK version. Never saw the American one.

 

and now i cant remember which was the good one. well i know what im doing this weekend...

 

 

 

I think for a parent this is not always true. In the end parents have ages to build a fictional image of how their child's life should be, what would make the child happy and so on

 

i think the world is big enough for both, so i guess i shouldn't have talked in absolutes. but at the same time, im trying to give hope to someone whos struggling by relating my own story and how my parents changed, not write a thesis on parental responses to coming out of the closet. 

 

but yeh, you're point is totally valid. trans people often describe their parents/partners/friends going through a grieving phase - where they let go of all the hopes and dreams they had for said trans persons future. its entirely possible for a parent/partner/friend to never move on from this stage. id like to believe its rare though.

[SevenofSeven]

I think for a parent this is not always true. In the end parents have ages to build a fictional image of how their child's life should be, what would make the child happy and so on. Sometime even when they see a reality completely different, they remain attached to their dream. Or maybe for some parents the process is so slow that they run out of time before they really come around.

As a parent of kids from 21 to 7 my only dream for them is to be happy in what they do and who they are, so long as this doesn't include hurting other people. However I think I may be better equipped at handling a situation if one of my sons came out because I have been exposed to alternative lifestyles ( for want of a better word ). My brother and best friend is gay, my bestest friend is lesbian, her partner is transitioning, I love men and women in equal measure but choose to be with a guy, and I had a very toxic relationship with a bitch woman.

My own parents did not have these experiences, so when my brother came out it was very hard for them to comprehend what this means. My mother held my brother up as a badge of honour and embarrassed us all with her over zealous introductions, as in every one she met she had to introduce her "gay" son, instead of just her son. My Dad did very well considering he is a blokey, bloke and boys have sex with girls the end. He still hugs my brother and says he loves him but still does not want to see my brother display affection towards the boyfriends if they come to the house, out of respect for this I never brought home boyfriends either.

So I think maybe what parents have experienced with the LGBTQA community might help or hinder how they might react to their children when they come out/transition etc. for example if a parent has never seen a binder how would they know what it is? I only saw my friends partner binding once and asked questions because I was curious and he was quite happy to explain it. No harm no foul. My own boys have watched her transition to him and now accept he now has facial hair. Does this make it easier for my own children to accept people outside societies neat little boxes? I really hope so!

Sorry about the ramble. None of this is ever easy, for parents or kids.

[Twilight]

So you can't change people. But sometimes they change so much. 

 

Yes!

 

Why do you have to be a point on the scale when you can be a (wide) range?

 

Genderfluid FTW. It's also been really helpful for me to separate my gender identity from my presentation.

 

and now i cant remember which was the good one. well i know what im doing this weekend...

 

UK, IMO. But there was way more eye candy in the US version a) because I think the actors were hotter and because it went on for so much longer.

 

None of this is ever easy, for parents or kids.

 

I think it's easier on kids than on adults, especially if you explain things to them very early in a matter of fact way. They'll accept it pretty much at face value when they're very young, and ask questions as their understanding of the world grows and changes. Adults are already pretty set in our ways and opinions, even though we'd like to think that we're open minded. I try not to talk to my kids in absolutes, from "some women have short hair and some men have long hair" to "some girls are born with a boy body and some boys are born with a girl body" and that seems to work for us.

[Thrillho]

My youngest informed me in no uncertain terms one day, fairly out of the blue, that one of her stuffed kittens was a girl kitten, that ONLY kissed other girl kittens, because some kittens are like that. (Ironically, it wasn't the rainbow-colored stuffed kitten). 

[Bekah]

Just letting it be known that there is a Nerdmas Secret Santa going on, all are welcome

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/55629-nerdmas-secret-santa-2014/?p=1262416

[Vella]

I remember when my cousins asked me about why I wasn't Christian - the explanation "It doesn't feel right to me" was basically enough for them to be like "OK!  Let's play a board game!"

And they were 10 at the time, so it's definitely not restricted to younger kids.

Definitely props to parents raising kids aware of LGBTQ folk!  You guys are making it better for the next generation.

 

On a personal note, can I get some experiences of dysphoria, either here or as a PM?  I'm trying to work out stuff for myself, but as usual my brain is making it difficult.

[Hit]

 

 

On a personal note, can I get some experiences of dysphoria, either here or as a PM?  I'm trying to work out stuff for myself, but as usual my brain is making it difficult.

 

are you trying to figure out if you have gender dysphoria?

[Vella]

I've basically figured out that I have it to some degree ... I'm now trying to figure out what to do about it, how much of it is stress-related and how much of it will stay, the best way to deal with it, and similar questions.  It's "I find parts of me contradict parts of my gender identity; I need to figure out how to progress from here"

[Hit]

well, okay then. most of yall probably know already, but im a transsexual woman. i started socially transitioning at the end of 2012, and started hormone replacement therapy in April 2013. My experience, for what its worth -

 

dysphoria came and it went, constantly. like catching yourself in a mirror and noticing that you've put on a lot of weight recently and should maybe get that gym membership you've been thinking of. you binge on thoughts of transition, on cross dressing, on researching other people (which thankfully has gotten a lot more positive in recent years). and then your shame catches up and you purge - you throw out all those clothes, scrub your search history clean. but you cant outrun it, anymore than you can stop yourself from seeing your reflection. you know its there and somethings gotta be done. 

 

how much was stress related? turns out none. my life is way more stressful now, but its far more manageable. i have very little to nearly no dysphoria anymore.

 

how did i deal with it? i drank myself into oblivion. i fucked a lot of people. i self harmed and tried to kill myself more times than id care to talk about. i got super fit, cos maybe i just hated my not looking like the people in magazines. nope. i remember once, at around the peak of my training, my friend said i was looking so healthy now. i turned to her and said "healthy shouldnt feel this horrible". a few days later i tried to kill myself again. and then i decided that i didn't want to die and be remembered as that person. so walked away from that cliff edge and came out to my partner and started seeking transition. 

 

how to progress - take it slow, and work towards what you want. if its just about fixing parts of your body that you dont like, or wearing different clothes, you can work towards that without necessarily transitioning. if its about changing how other people see you, or feeling great when you look at yourself naked, then you're probably in for the long haul.

[Tkal]

I am doing the transition in the other direction.

For me it was never really a problem with my body. It is just that I knew somehow that I was male. For ages, since I was a kid, I have walked the middle line, been as much masculine as a girl is allowed to be. But my strength, what kept me "sane", was to forget that I had a gendered body and focus only on studying. Basically I was a genderless brain mounted on a body which was needed only to move around. The only exception was karate, and in my hearth I still thanks daily my sensei for giving me something that kept me sane and alive for many years.

I have been raised Roman Catholic and I come from a relatively small village. Everything beside masculine heterosexual male and feminine heterosexual female is not accepted. So the only way to allow myself a bit more of freedom was to move away, to make myself independent from my family, economically as well as emotionally. My life improved greatly when I moved to a different country, but I still had the same set of problems.

A that time I did not know if my dysphoria was the root cause of my problems. I wasn't even sure I had gender dysphoria. I didn't hate my body, I didn't dream about having a penis or anything like that. I went into serious therapy, to understand who I was. The therapist is specialized in people who do not fit into the male/female binary. It was the best decision ever. After a couple of years I was feeling much better and it was clear to me that the dysphoria had little to do with most of my problems. The problems were gone, the dysphoria not.

Probably I could have stopped there, with a new sense of myself and a new set of clothes, but I knew that on the long run I would have wanted more.

I decided for the transition. I the country where I live now there is a strict protocol to get access to hormones. I joined the program at the end of 2011, but I had to wait one year after that for the first appointment. During that time I did my coming out with everybody: colleagues, friends, family. I have been on testosterone since summer 2013 and I am scheduled for surgeries somewhere next spring/summer.

With the hormones a lot of things changed inside me, they settle down. It isn't much about the physical changes (nice and bad in equal measure), but really my inner balance. I am still the same person as before, maybe a bit more secure and relaxed, and I laugh much more than before, but I am still the same, with the same friends, the same job, the same wife. And I didn't gave up knitting and crochet

I don't really need the surgeries to enjoy more what I will see in the mirror. As with the hormones I expect that something will improve, but also something else will be worse. The greatest motivation for me is at this point to fix my documents. And for those my country of origin pretends surgeries. So I pay my new passport with the proverbial pound of meat

In the end you are the only person who can decide what is the best way to deal with it. The only thing I could say, the thing that I saw in most transgenders, is that the dysphoria is not the cause of all your problems, but when you have many maybe you could cope less with it. Take your time to understand who you are. Take the time to fix all the other issues that are fixable before jumping on hormones or surgeries. Small steps, big patience.

[Twilight]

Thanks for sharing your stories, guys. I really appreciate it.

I love Reddit's trans* forums because I love the transition photo montages that people do. Everyone seems to go from miserable to joyful as they go. It's wonderful to see them transition emotionally as they transition physically.

Most days I feel pretty neutral, gender-wise. I've been given a pretty feminine body and face, I have long hair and I only wear skirts, but I don't feel femme. I know how to dress for my body type, and enjoy using my appearance to my advantage in certain situations. Most of the time I'd rather not be gender labelled at all, and when I am, that's when I feel dysphoric. The taxi driver I got last night called me "sweetie" and I wanted to punch him. First of all it's inappropriate, second of all I'm 35 years old for fuck sakes, and third of all I hate being called by feminine terms. I prefer parent to mother, and spouse to wife, for example. I don't want to be called father or husband, either.

It's challenging also when I have to acknowledge that I'm read as female as I go through the world, so am impacted by sexism and all of the gross things that come with living in the world in this kind of body. Even if I were to deliberately take on a more masculine appearance (cut my hair, wear pants), I will still be read as female. Most people don't know about agender, or neutrois, or they/them pronouns, or to ask what pronouns people prefer. I would be fighting even harder for my identity, and I have enough to deal with in my life that I don't know if I'll ever be ready to take on that particular battle. I also strongly resent that to appear "neutral" for me would mean to appear more masculine, because male is seen as the default. Fuck that.

I'm really glad that the communities I'm a part of here are big and supportive and wonderful. I never have to explain this stuff to my friends, and I'm not the only one going through this.

For anyone feeling alone in this, please know that you're not. There are lots of people in the world who know how it feels to be in your shoes, and people who are ready to love and support you for who you are. You are loved.

[Tkal]

It's challenging also when I have to acknowledge that I'm read as female as I go through the world, so am impacted by sexism and all of the gross things that come with living in the world in this kind of body.

That is awful even without dysphoria. My wife has no problem with being female and all, but she share exactly your same feelings toward the fact that the baseline is the male and all the crap that many societies trow at women. Even worse, the baseline is the macho, which sets the bar off also for cis hetero men.

Good thing that you are raising your children in the way you are. There is still hope

 

For anyone feeling alone in this, please know that you're not. There are lots of people in the world who know how it feels to be in your shoes, and people who are ready to love and support you for who you are. You are loved.

This, precisely

[shaeon]

I remember when my cousins asked me about why I wasn't Christian - the explanation "It doesn't feel right to me" was basically enough for them to be like "OK!  Let's play a board game!"

And they were 10 at the time, so it's definitely not restricted to younger kids.

Definitely props to parents raising kids aware of LGBTQ folk!  You guys are making it better for the next generation.

 

Has anyone else watched the show Transparent? It's about a person with adult kids, who comes out as a transwoman. There's a scene where one of the characters is explaining to her kids that their grandfather is now a woman, while simultaneously introducing the kids to the idea that a person can switch genders, although it's not easy. The kids think about that for a beat, and then say "so grandpa is magic?" 

I loved that, because people freak out so much over what to say to kids, and end up finding out that the kids aren't really hung up on the same things that adults are.

[Candace Koller]

Twilight, on 29 Oct 2014 - 5:52 PM, said:

Most days I feel pretty neutral, gender-wise. I've been given a pretty feminine body and face, I have long hair and I only wear skirts, but I don't feel femme. I know how to dress for my body type, and enjoy using my appearance to my advantage in certain situations. Most of the time I'd rather not be gender labelled at all, and when I am, that's when I feel dysphoric.

It's challenging also when I have to acknowledge that I'm read as female as I go through the world, so am impacted by sexism and all of the gross things that come with living in the world in this kind of body.

Omg. This. All of this.

I'm still coming to terms with whether I identify as a woman or neutral but this sums up my feelings almost perfectly. For the longest time for me it was just a choice between man or woman and I didn't want to be a man really but also certainly don't want to be a woman. I think when I was a kid I only wanted to be a man because it was the only "not woman" I knew.

[Twilight]

Today I searched agender and found a new (to me) idea: social dysmorphia, rather than body dysmorphia. I don't mind my body most days. I'll sometimes wish I could look more androgynous, but other days I like my body. As a blog I found said: "What bothers me is what my body means to other people." I don't like people making assumptions about me because of the way my body is. There's only so much I can do about it, and why should I cater to other people?

 

This is the fourth time I've worn makeup this month (today it's for my Halloween costume). I've spent way too much time as a girl this month and I feel really uncomfortable today.

[Artinum]

This is the fourth time I've worn makeup this month (today it's for my Halloween costume). I've spent way too much time as a girl this month and I feel really uncomfortable today.

 

Well, Hallowe'en is different. And men were wearing more make-up than any of the girls back in the 1970s!

[Bekah]

i have no experience or stories to offer, but I just want to say that each and every one of you is absolutely amazing and I hope that some day your insides and outsides will feel congruent and you will be happy, because you deserve nothing less.

We have such beautiful amazing people here

[Twilight]

Well, Hallowe'en is different. And men were wearing more make-up than any of the girls back in the 1970s!

 

That's not exactly helpful to me today, right now. Halloween may be different, but I still feel the way I feel, and it doesn't feel good.

[Artinum]

That's not exactly helpful to me today, right now. Halloween may be different, but I still feel the way I feel, and it doesn't feel good.

 

Okay. What can you do, today, to feel better?

[kaelvan]

I'm surprised to see Texas has announced intent to legalize. I didn't realize it had made it that far yet here. 'Bout time.

Holy crap. Really? Texas?....Hot damn.

[Twilight]

Okay. What can you do, today, to feel better?

 

I took off the makeup and wig. That helped a lot.

[Hit]

Okay. What can you do, today, to feel better?

I know this is meant in good faith, but a lot of people deal with dysphoria in super negative ways. A lot of the time its drugs and alcohol, other times its cutting and self harm. Theres a huge issue with binging/purging (both in food and in terms of actions) - both of which are focused around a short term solution to dysphoria. So asking what someone can do to feel better today kinda leads to that sorta thing, in my experience at least. It can be extremely damaging.

Dysphoria is a war, make no mistake; you can and will lose a few battles. The key is to remember even though youre hurting, youre still alive and fighting.

So sit alone in your room and cry for today, go home and lick your wounds. But do it with chest bound and collar popped. Then stand and fight again tomorrow.

[karinajean]

Today I searched agender and found a new (to me) idea: social dysmorphia, rather than body dysmorphia. I don't mind my body most days. I'll sometimes wish I could look more androgynous, but other days I like my body. As a blog I found said: "What bothers me is what my body means to other people." I don't like people making assumptions about me because of the way my body is. There's only so much I can do about it, and why should I cater to other people?

 

This is the fourth time I've worn makeup this month (today it's for my Halloween costume). I've spent way too much time as a girl this month and I feel really uncomfortable today.

 

hey, so, hey. I popped back over here to see what you've been saying after reading your challenge thread and I want you to know that I feel exactly the same as you. Exactly mostly the same. I love my body, I hate what other people interpret it as. and I also hate the embodied privilege afforded me because I appear to fit in neatly as a straight white femme woman.

 

I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. I'd like to know how you have been able to make yourself more comfortable, if you were able to.

 

the term social dysmorphia is really resonating with me right now.

[Vella]

Thanks to everyone who shared  Folk here are awesome and wonderful.

 

I've recently come across the term 'social dysphoria', too, and it just makes a whole lot of sense in a lot of ways.

[Artinum]

I know this is meant in good faith, but a lot of people deal with dysphoria in super negative ways. A lot of the time its drugs and alcohol, other times its cutting and self harm. Theres a huge issue with binging/purging (both in food and in terms of actions) - both of which are focused around a short term solution to dysphoria. So asking what someone can do to feel better today kinda leads to that sorta thing, in my experience at least. It can be extremely damaging.

 

If someone is inclined to do that sort of thing, they don't need to be prompted. It's a "solution" akin to a drug addiction. Asking the question is not damaging in itself.

 

If you start second-guessing every action you can take, you won't do anything. Now that is extremely damaging.