Depression, food and seclusion

[CrimsonTide2006]

Let me start off by saying I have a good life, materialistically. Great family, always had wonderful grades in school(could have been better even), and never been without anything(materialistic) I've needed. Though I was born with a few medical issues which required lots of surgeries over the years. I have had sleep apnea since middle school, maybe before. 

 

Depression has had a hold on me for so long. I feel sad, worthless, tired all the time. I get irritated and angry at nothing. I say things that hurt others, which I regret later. I feel so helpless. I do not take care of myself. I am ashamed to admit, I go days without showering, brushing my teeth and other little things like that. 

 

This may seem silly but my depression started in childhood when I was rejected and unwanted by the kids at school. I tried my hardest to gain friends. I had always tried to gain the friendship of the boys, I did not care for girls. After being rejected and hurt so, I vowed I would never trust another guy ever again. So from that moment forward I only wanted girls as friends(there were a few girls in my elementary years who were sweet to me).. In middle and high school I was socially awkward and just could not maintain any type of relationship with anyone that did not turn into drama. I always came on too strong or acted so weird. Even the other socially awkward kids in school did not like me. I was labeled as a flirt even though I never saw myself as one. Later I realized it was because of the way I complemented girls a lot, the reason was in hopes they would like me as a friend.There were maybe 5 or 6 guys I liked to talk to.  School was all about friendship and trying to get people to like me. I never studied yet I had an 85 or above average(idk what it was but I was in BETA club and you had to have an 85 or above overall to be in it...). Could have been top 15 had I tried :/ instead I was #27 out of ninety something students. 

 

I have only been to a school classmates house once in my life, and that was in college for a meeting because we had a group project. I almost had an anxiety attack, I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

 

Since childhood food has been my saving grace., I have always been overweight. I eat when I am sad, which means I eat all the time. My family owns a restaurant so eating a cheeseburger and fries every day was not that hard to do...when I get upset or irritated I eat. I do not remember a time where I have said "I'm hungry" and I really was hungry... When I am eating I feel good, and feel horrible and fat right after the last bite. 

 

I must admit that every single day, when I can, I stay in my room. I seclude myself from anything and everyone. In highschool I would get upset when my family wanted to go on vacation, I could not imagine not being in my room watching tv and eating..

 

After highschool I went to college but for the time I was not in school or studying, I have always stayed on the computer...trying to get people to like me on facebook and myspace(annoying people and probably making them feel uncomfortable) By this time I had pushed everyone away.

 

In 2008 I started playing Pirates of the Caribbean Online(POTCO). I had lots of drama, fun, and spent a lot of money and time in POTCO. I spent hours on this game, secluded from everyone...This is the part about seclusion that upsets me the most, I secluded myself away from my parents whom I love more than anything. I also secluded myself from the classmates I had added on facebook..(UPDATE: POTCO has closed as of September so no more online gaming!! woot!)

 

I only started thinking about my health 2 years ago when my grandfather died from complications of diabetes that he had for over 30 years. I stopped drinking cokes when I noticed that they made my heart skip and made me feel so bad. I drank about 6 or 7 cokes daily before I quit. Now I only have a coke if I'm sick(it helps with coughing up the bad stuff) or I am really thirsty and there is no alternative. 

 

I am sorry if this is long I just wanted to pour some of my feelings out. Thanks for reading. That is all I can write now, if I think of more to share, I will. 

[milythael]

First, you aren't alone in depression.  Many of us struggle with similar problems.  I know I do, and if you read my intro thread, or look at my challenges, you will see that depression is an ongoing theme I deal with.

 

You are here now.  You've joined the greatest rebellion you could ever find, and as long as you keep coming here, there will be people willing to help you.

 

You've made the right choice working on your health, and trying to do something about your diet.

 

Welcome to the Rebellion.

[childofscorn]

Oh honey.... *super duper major hugs*  I have SO been there with the food/depression cycle.  And the difficulty making friends.  And the anxiety and panic attacks especially.  I still have days where the thought of leaving the house is more than I can stand.  I haven't been on this site very long yet, but I've been on here long enough to know that you'd be hard pressed to find a a group of people more understanding of everything you've gone through, and are still going through.  

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks Child and Mily! I want to be better... physically, emotionally and spiritually. Praying to God often,is one goal I have. Not for the challenge this next 6 weeks but for everyday. Not a Christian.. but my religion is very important to me, but I have to actually practice it. Hard to do when I haven't for the last 15 years. 

[Rostov]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was wondering if you've ever had any counselling, or are having counselling at the moment?  I think this is an excellent community for weight loss/fitness advice and for general advice and support about levelling up your life, but although there are people here who've faced and are facing similar challenges, I think it can only provide a limited amount of help and support.  From what you say about your depression and social anxiety, I think there's a very good chance that you'd benefit from seeing a good counsellor.  I saw a counsellor once a week for a couple of months at a very stressful time in my life when I wasn't coping, and it was helpful then and some of the things that came out of that are still useful to me now.

 

Finally, well done on posting all that - very brave thing to do.

[Pherales]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was wondering if you've ever had any counselling, or are having counselling at the moment?  I think this is an excellent community for weight loss/fitness advice and for general advice and support about levelling up your life, but although there are people here who've faced and are facing similar challenges, I think it can only provide a limited amount of help and support.  From what you say about your depression and social anxiety, I think there's a very good chance that you'd benefit from seeing a good counsellor.  I saw a counsellor once a week for a couple of months at a very stressful time in my life when I wasn't coping, and it was helpful then and some of the things that came out of that are still useful to me now.

 

Finally, well done on posting all that - very brave thing to do.

 

This.  This all over.

 

I swore off therapists and counsellors and all kinds of malarky for years, because I had convinced myself that they couldn't help me, no one could ever help me, I was stuck this way, et cetera.  But honestly, it's the most sensible route.  A group of people on the internet can only help so much.

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks, I have never had counseling. I feel that once I get my physical, emotional and spiritual health in tact then things will get better(this is probably what a counselor would recommend). If that does not work THEN I will think about seeing one. 

 

After writing all of my post, I do feel good this morning, about letting it out. I also feel more determined than ever to get fit..etc. 

[BeastMistres]

Hugs. I have had crippling anxiety. Diet has helped me more than anything else, really. Cutting caffeine from sodas turned a huge corner for me. Cutting out all the other crap did wonders. I know it's not the same for everyone, just something to think about. I second the counselor idea. Can't hurt.

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks, If things don't get better by August (from hopefully getting fit..etc) then I will think about it. 

[Wolfhorde]

This.  This all over.

 

I swore off therapists and counsellors and all kinds of malarky for years, because I had convinced myself that they couldn't help me, no one could ever help me, I was stuck this way, et cetera.  But honestly, it's the most sensible route.  A group of people on the internet can only help so much.

 

Well, the problem is that we're often quick to judge an entire profession when we've seen one or some of them. I've seen incredibly incompetent counsellors and counsellors with such an array of knowledge and empathy who could easily have made big money going into business/industry. And while there are certainly communities that can help and while there are knowledgable people the "sad truth" is that even these people don't necessarily have the time or will to put up with all of what can come at them - especially not on a personal level and emotional investment can definitely become problematic. I've dealt with "mentally ill" people of all magnitudes in circles of friends, family and acquaintances and I have to say there's only so much you can handle without training on a personal level. Not to mention as most 'medical' professions psychology can be incredibly complex and getting at root causes can be an incredbily strenuous and hard process. Even more so initiating long-term change.

 

tl; dr: At least considering and checking out certain professional treatments is always a good idea when there's a permanent problem of severity.

[strangeling06]

A lot of us here have/still are dealing with depression.

I may not be able to offer the greatest advice, but I'm here if you ever just need someone to talk to.

[strangeling06]

A lot of us here have/still are dealing with depression.

I may not be able to offer the greatest advice, but I'm here if you ever just need someone to talk to.

[strangeling06]

Oops sorry for the double post.

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks!

[Ashtoreh]

*hugs* I don't know you, but I feel your pain, I've been struggling as well with depression since long time (got worse after the birth of my son)

Only thing I had to really help me is my dog...

Therapy helped little as well as my family who think mental illness is just a sign of weakness...

 

I do hope things will be better once we find balance in our lives Good luck in your journey to a better you!

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks, good luck to you too! Exercise is a good way to let off tension. 

[MissMormie]

Thanks, If things don't get better by August (from hopefully getting fit..etc) then I will think about it. 

 

From your story it reads as if not being fit is a result of your depression, not the other way around. Especially as it is something, together with the anxiety attacks that you've been dealing with for a very long time. Fitness is definitely a part of getting better, but getting better mentally is more than just fitness. I would absolutely recommend going to see a therapist sooner rather than later. 

About a year ago I was at the same place as you were basically, except I did have some friends and an amazing boyfriend. It was him who at some point said that I had to go see a doctor because the way I was living just wasn't right. No one should feel depressed and down and grumpy all day every day. At this time I was still working, so I scheduled a meeting with the doctor for look a week later. First thing the doctor said (after having me cry for like an hour). Call in sick for the next 4 weeks. And all that time I was thinking I was just a bit down, having a bad month/year. 

 

Off to therapist and onto medication which helped so much. Which I why I would really recommend you do the same thing now. Depression is a mental thing, yes. But mental things are actual chemicals in your brain. Just like you get antibiotics if you have an infection there are medications to help the chemicals in your brain. 

 

Think about it this way, what have you lost if you go to a therapist sooner rather than later? The other way around will have you unhappy and depressed for months longer. Is a visit to a therapist scarier than months and months of feeling bad? 

 

I'm still getting better, but it's so much better already than a year ago. And without all the help I got I'm 100% I would not be here today. But today I'm happy I listened to my boyfriend and sought help. That was the best advice I got ever. That and brushing my teeth. Like with you showering, brushing teeth and personal hygiene were such foreign concepts. What point is there brushing my teeth? Why? So I'll still have my teeth when I'm 80? The entire concept of having to go through this horrible life till I was 80 was so terrible that it almost became I reason not to brush my teeth. Since I've been in that depression for years I had _a lot_ of dental reconstruction and lost teeth. Not showering won't hurt you, but please do brush your teeth. You've got nothing to lose there and I know how hard it is.

 

Same with the showering. I actually have that as my life challenge for this 6 weeks, to shower after working out. Because I care so little for myself that it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm sticky and smelly and gross or clean. I still suck. That's the depression talking right there. In reality, it does matter. You'll feel better after taking that shower, if only because you've done something. 

 

---

It's becoming a long post, sorry  

---

 

I'll finish by sharing the most important lessons I've learned during therapy on how to get yourself out of the lowest point of your depression. 

- Activate 

- Dose

- Distract

Sitting all day behind your computer isn't going to make you better. But you can't suddenly change everything around and do to much either as you'll crash and burn. So pick some small things to do today that you normally wouldn't do. Ie. Go for a walk. But dose your activity. Don't go for an hour and a half walk. Go for a 10 minute walk. Or do light training. During a depression you have less energy. If you use everything up exercising you'll just leave yourself exhausted and more depressed for the rest of the day. 

Distraction is for the times you feel really bad. Find something to do. I'm guessing POTCO is a major distraction for you already which is probably why you play so much, just so you don't have to feel anything. I would recommend finding a different distraction as well. Something that doesn't suck up as much time as POTCO (for me it was WOW and Diablo). Maybe drawing, cooking, walking, reading, doing low weight bicep curls. 

 

One last thing the psych told me: "Everybody who has a depression gets better, it might take a lot of time, but everybody gets out of it again".

[sozzielou]

Congratulations on getting here and sharing your story. Recognising your issues and taking the first steps are the hardest parts and it is all downhill from here! Really!

 

I can empathise with a lot of what you said because depression, anxiety and cutting myself off from others has all had a tight grip on me for many years. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you don't feel ready to see a therapist, there are some great online Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) courses which are free. Living Life to the Full and The Mood Gym are two great ones I can think of. You need to challenge yourself and work at it but if you do, CBT is really effective.

 

Exercise is a great anti-depressant. The NF community is wonderful and supportive. I hope you will enjoy it here and that you keep us updated on your progress. Best wishes to you :-)

[I-Jo]

Big kudo's for just putting that all out on paper- and airing it out- sometimes it can REALLY help just writing it down.  Like a weight lifted knowing that you HAVE an issue- and it's recognized- you aren't making it up.

 

I have struggled with depression- and I finally saw a therapist- more than one actually for various reasons and the first time I did- I realized there WAS something actually wrong- I WASN"T crazy.  And just knowing that- really helped. 

Thanks, I have never had counseling. I feel that once I get my physical, emotional and spiritual health in tact then things will get better(this is probably what a counselor would recommend). If that does not work THEN I will think about seeing one. 

 

After writing all of my post, I do feel good this morning, about letting it out. I also feel more determined than ever to get fit..etc. 

This bolded part.

Yes and no.  One of the big advantages to a therapist is that they are there to listen unconditionally.  They are an un-bias source of information- can give you an outside SAFE perspective with only you're best interest in mind.  

 

Therapists aren't there to deal with people who are "on their way" they deal with ALL sorts of people- you don't need to get to a certain level of "fixed" state before you can show up.  If you have health insurance- or have a college counselor (not sure if you are still in college or not) I would highly recommend going.

 

The first two or three sessions can be rough- but really- I was going once a week- then down to every 2 weeks- and I have to be honest- I miss it- I really looked forward to it. 

 

You can do it!!!!  Only place is to go but up right??  You've been doing it on your own for SO long- why not try something different and get some help

 

hugs

[CrimsonTide2006]

Thanks, maybe a buddy system? I have about 18 things I need to do daily...maybe if I had someone who kept me accountable? I know only I can make these changes

 

I make lists of things to do daily, all the time, but never follow through. 

[superaggie79]

If you have the opportunity to get an accountability partner do it! But make sure they're thick skinned and not afraid to hold you accountable. Without a doubt there will be days where you'll hate that person and you'll be mean just to push them away and put off whatever it is you don't want to address.at the same time they have to be aware when its time to take it easy and let you take your time. Going through the upswing can totally get derailed by having a plan and missing one step or goal.Then you just want to scrap the whole thing and that's not good for anyone.

Its my first week here but its great to see so many accepting posters here. I have bipolar disorder. Basically adhd, general anxiety and depression all mixed together in a bowl of fun. Good to feel like you might be understood.

[Laureleye]

If you see a counselor, you are not admiting defeat.  If your car had a flat tire, you might know how to change the tire, but you still need the jack to help you leverage your knowledge.  That is what a counselor does; they give you a boost.  I've seen a counselor several times when things were tough, and I've come out of it more able to cope on my own each time.  If you're terribly introverted, like I am, the idea of telling someone all of this (face to face) is really hard.  But you've already made some tough changes, so I think that you can do it.  I'm sure you can do this on your own too; but a counselor could really accelerate your progress.  You've got your attitude in a good place to make some serious changes.  I've been tracking your challenges, and you've already made huge changes. 

[CrimsonTide2006]

POTCO(the online game) closed in Sept. but I still spend soooo much time either sitting at the computer or tv...:/

[MissMormie]

Which makes total sense. You're habit is to go sit behind the tv or computer and keep doing that, despite of some game stopping or not. You'll need to slowly put other habits in place of sitting behind the pc.

So maybe decide to go for a walk after dinner at night, just 10-15 minutes. Then keep doing that for some time before changing the next thing. Small steps will get you there. 

[TimG]

maybe this game can help a bit?

 

http://www.depressionquest.com/

 

I haven't played it but I have heard some pretty good things about it, knowing, realizing this way that you are not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

Depression Quest is a game that deals with living with depression in a very literal way. This game is not meant to be a fun or lighthearted experience. If you are currently suffering from the illness and are easily triggered, please be aware that this game uses stark depictions of people in very dark places. If you are suicidal, please stop playing this game and visit this link to talk to someone. 

The goal of this game is twofold: firstly, we want to illustrate as clearly as possible what depression is like, so that it may be better understood by people without depression. Hopefully this can be something to spread awareness and fight against the social stigma and misunderstandings that depression sufferers face. Secondly, our hope is that in presenting as real a simulation of depression as possible, other sufferers will come to know that they aren't alone, and hopefully derive some measure of comfort from that. 

It goes without saying that because of the very nature of depression, it is experienced differently by every person who suffers from it. We aren't trying to say that this is the "best" or "most accurate" representation, merely that this is an amalgamation of the experiences of the developers and several people close to them. Many of the following encounters deal with issues such as therapy, medication, handling a love life, and reaching out to support networks. In reality, less than half of depression sufferers actually seek treatment, for reasons such as lack of money, perceived personal failing, or public stigma. These things were included in order to touch upon as broad a range as possible, since all these elements can be very important to sufferers of depression, though they will likely not be the experiences of most sufferers.

It's important to recognize that not everyone with depression is so lucky. Many people with the illness don't have a lot of the luxuries that we have in this game. We've written it this way so that we can focus specifically on the illness, which becomes more and more difficult to deal with as the person who has it is less and less well-off.

For that reason, a portion of the proceeds from this game will be donated to iFred.org to help support depression treatment and education. Click here if you'd like to contribute (or paypal patrick [at] pixelsordeath.com if it's giving you trouble)

This game uses audio as part of it's gameplay. We encourage you to play with your sound on.

Thank you for playing.