zenLara's journey

[Owlet]

This is so great! I need to do a similar thing I think... might steal some of your questions/headings if that's cool  

[Lara]

On 18/12/2016 at 5:28 AM, Owlet said:

This is so great! I need to do a similar thing I think... might steal some of your questions/headings if that's cool  

You can steal whatever you want  

[Lara]

I'm thinking now about keeping two notebooks.

One would be about tracking. I want to be sure of how much I do. I'm not very regular or accurate in my NF posts, and this is detrimental in the long run. This notebook could contain what I do on: cleaning, savings, exercise, music practice, vegetable intake... Not to start being critical about how much I miss, but to be more conscious of how much I actually accomplish.

Second, success notebook: goals achieved, books read, things learnt, fears faced, travels made, and maybe quotes that I find inspiring. Something like a feats journal

[Lara]

Want to keep these messages from challenge thread here, I need not to forget these things:

 

Spoiler

Had trouble to sleep and when I got up, I realized I was anxious. A lot. No wonder, I haven't been practicing for 2 weeks and I have to play in a concert this afternoon. 

Almost decided to went back home when I was on my way to self-defence, the feelings were so strong. I said to myself that I could not let anxiety dictate my life, so I went. I noticed how I was anxious but could drive perfectly fine. I reinforced this idea by repeating to myself "I can be anxious and do the job anyway. I can function. These are only sensations, they can't hurt me". It worked, and just before the warm-up, I thought "well, at least this energy will be used", and it was so. It was much easier to keep the pace with those hulks that attend the class with me. I felt energized when we finished, and had a really good day with many exercises. And the thing is, I did it so well because of the help of anxiety. So spent the time back home thinking that maybe I should stop calling it anxiety and change it for "extra energy". Sensations are not nice, but they are effective. 

Now, just one hour later, I'm feeling worse. More anxiety/energy is piling up and I don't know how I will manage this afternoon.

 

-----------------

 

 

I did one thing that helped me: I had a little free time before lunch and I was feeling superanxious, and instead of meditating, trying to relax or burning the anxiety, I picked up the flute and began playing, difficult things, far more hard than what I had to play in the afternoon. I spent half an hour experiencing the fact that I was feeling awful and could play anyway. I kept on playing and saying to myself "look, you can do this". The sensations were some of the strongest I have had in a long time, really disturbing, near the anxiety attack, but I used them to prove myself they were horrible to feel but had nothing to do with my ability to play. This didn't stop the anxiety, but I said to myself I didn't need the anxiety to go away. And what happened is that it actually went away. I was a bit nervous before the concert, but less than usual, so I could manage really well. There were some minor flaws, that were caused not by anxiety, but by me being distracted and away from the task, but that's a different thing. It is normal to lose focus for some moments when you're playing for a whole hour, so it's not nothing that worries me.

Other things that helped were that when I was about to leave home I thought "hey, this is a good day, a day where things are happening. Do I prefer those dull days when nothing happens and I just sit at home at my computer? This is life happening. I went to self-defence, I tired myself, I got punched, I had fun, and now I'm going to a concert and have an experience not everybody in this world can have. These are the kind of days I want in my life".

And then also I thought of my need of control. I like having things under control. A lot. But I need to accept there are things that simply are not. And it's ok. So I said to myself that there would be some errors, that there's always a lot of uncertainity about how a concert might turn out, but that this uncertainity also produces unexpected good things in a performance, so I decided I could accept to make some mistakes during my playing and just let things go.

 

So I am feeling great today. In the back of my mind I'm still ruminating one of my errors (the only one that I think the audience may have perceived), but minds are like this, I'll let it moan in the background. My general feeling is a good one. I feel like I've done a big step forward, because despite the awful feelings, I chose to follow my values and work on my goals. It was hard to stand up to those feelings, but I did because I wanted to. I'm proud and happy and I consider this a huge victory.

[Lara]

On 18/12/2016 at 1:25 PM, zenLara said:

Second, success notebook: goals achieved, books read, things learnt, fears faced, travels made, and maybe quotes that I find inspiring. Something like a feats journal

I think it will have 2 main parts: the "before" section, where I'll put my values, goals and actions to develop them, barriers I think I may find or fears I have, a list of the books I want to read and where I'd like to travel/hike during the year. Then the "after" section, that will be written as the year goes by and things happen, where I'll see how much of everything I finally accomplish.

 

Tracking notebook for specific tasks is ready, at least for january. When the month ends I'll see whether my way to track things was useful or needs some tweaks.

[lucky fire dragon]

This is so great! I need to do a similar thing I think... might steal some of your questions/headings if that's cool [emoji6] 

Seconding this. Those are some clever questions and I love all the constructive insight you are gaining from your reviews and journals.

Am always too lazy to journal for a longer time but this makes me really motivated again

How great that you can see your wins on sleep and anxiety because you are doing awesome [emoji1319] And you did some super courageous things this year, woweee

[Lara]

Success and tracking journals are ready, and the year has began.

 

Goals for 2017 are divided in 10 different areas:

 

1. Freedom of movement.

2. Being stronger.

3. Outdoors.

4. Eating healthier.

5. Owning more clothes.

6. Clean and decluttered house.

7. Growing savings.

8. Reading.

9. Icelandic.

10. Music practice.

 

For every goal, I've chosen several actions, short term or long term, that will drive me to a better situation concerning these areas. Challenges will serve to specify or subdivide these actions into achievable steps to slowly approach the desired results. The only goal waiting to be developped is the last one, because I want to wait for BigGuy advice.

As always, the main point is, as stated in my last challenge, to live a meaningful life, so a big amount of energy and focus will be spent on not letting anxiety, bad feelings, procrastination or laziness drive me to another kind of life.

Of course, if at some point I start to think that these goals/areas are not that important to bring meaning to my life, I will reexamine them. I don't think it'll happen because I've been consistently journaling about all this for the last two months and I think I've found what I want. However, the door to change is always open.

[Lara]

First challenge steps.

 

1. Freedom of movement. Check FF update. Neck stretching long series at least once a day. From january 9, add 1 hips and 1 shoulder stretch.

2. Being stronger. Self-defence: from january 9, twice a week.

3. Outdoors. 1 short or long walk a week, outside the city.

4. Eating healthier. Fixing broken thermomix. Tracking what I actually eat.

5. Owning more clothes. Make a list of what is most needed. Go clothes shopping at least twice this month.

6. Clean and decluttered house. I have daily, weekly, monthly and season tasks lists. Follow them and keep track of what is done.

7. Growing savings. First step is to regain the money that will be spent in the trip to London and put it on my savings account. It can take up to 2 months to do this.

8. Reading. Won't be buying ANY books until I finish reading all of those in my pile (this is going to be difficult). Read for at least 20 minutes each week.

9. Icelandic. 1 page from íslenska fyrir alla 3 per week.

10. Music practice. On standby.

[NeverThatBored]

Oh man, that book goal sounds hard! It's so difficult to resist buying new books. 

[Lara]

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

It's so difficult to resist buying new books. 

I knooooow, it's a kind of strength I don't think I have

[Owlet]

I just had a realisation (I think) and had to share with you. That video you shared ages ago about the theory of stress being either good or bad for your health depending on your attitude towards it... I liked it but was still dubious. I keep puzzling over the fact that I didn't get sick even once last year, despite having an extremely stressful and full on year, and on into this year. Whereas the year before I was almost constantly sick. And it finally clicked - even though I have been (and still am) really struggling with life, these days I view each struggle as an important and necessary struggle, as I work on overcoming my own negative tendencies. Back when I was sick, whenever I was struggling with something I would think I was essentially failing at life. So maybe, just maybe, I ended up doing what the video was talking about without even realising it?! It wasn't as simple as just thinking 'hey, stress is good for me' but rather 'it sucks that I'm stressed but I know that getting through this situation is what I need to be doing right now because it will help me lead a more joyful, fulfilling life.' Food for thought anyway. 

[Lara]

11 hours ago, Owlet said:

It wasn't as simple as just thinking 'hey, stress is good for me' but rather 'it sucks that I'm stressed but I know that getting through this situation is what I need to be doing right now because it will help me lead a more joyful, fulfilling life.' Food for thought anyway. 

You've got it there  

I'd go even farther: the situation causing the anxiety/stress is positive because it drives you to a better position in life, but the anxiety itself is also positive (I know, I know) because those feelings are your body telling you "I'm here for you. You need more energy to stand up to this and I'm giving it to you". I'm starting to think that we anxious people are so because we haven't been able to handle those feelings properly, so they've become a burden (and remember what studies have proved: anxious people have exactly the SAME physiological reactions when are stressed than non anxious people, only they interpret them/feel them as worse). These last months I've been trying to "hear" what my body was saying and go through all my feelings, hard as it was, and what I've noticed is that once you pay full attention to them, they wane and become less urgent and crazy-driving. I began by saying myself "I can do this despite of the anxiety", but now, sometimes, I think "I can do this because of the anxiety, these feelings will help me to rise to the challenge". I try to see anxiety as a resource I have to better deal with what is happening, and sometimes is incredibly amazing how this changes the whole situation (workouts, fights, concerts...) Other times, it doesn't work and I feel like shit, but the first steps are taken.

[Lara]

Sometimes I wonder why my brain insists on picking the most painful thoughts, or at least those that make me so unhappy. But it is a stupid question to ask, one because those thoughts run mainly in autopilot, and two because it is clear to me now that I have a series of core beliefs about myself that are not positive at all (and that I reinforce everyday with those thoughts, so this is a vicious circle).

I don't think any of this (you'll see my thoughts are pretty tough) "consciously", it is not that I say all this to myself voluntarily, it is simply there, deeply internalised, and when the occasion requires it, thoughts pop up, like I said, in autopilot mode.

I don't think I'm original about this. I'm sure many people share this way of seeing and judging themselves, but anyway, I'm going to recap my main negative beliefs here for further reference when I'll work on them.

 

There are 4 main areas: professional self, personal self, body and change.

 

Professional self is formed by 3 core beliefs, each one with its tail of reinforcing thoughts:

 

The first one is the very well known impostor syndrome. My main thoughts on this are rambles about how a bad teacher/musician/flutist I am, and how I am not at all made for this profession. Some day someone will finally see this. I have the delusion that my students play well. I'm just not good at music.

The second one here is the bad flutist belief. This is specifically about how a bad flutist I am, so it is more precise that the last one. This is about flute being such a difficult instrument to me, that I will never play it well, that I should have chosen to study piano -which was far more easier for me-, or better, I should have chosen to go to the uni and be a literature teacher. Flute practice will always be a fight, and I will never win a battle.

Third one is the failure belief. Main thoughts are about how I never made it to the positions I wanted, how I haven't been good enough, and about comparisons with other people far more successful than me.

 

Personal self has other 3 ramifications:

 

I'm a mess. I'm a mess, I not good for anything, my life is sad.

Bad person. I'm selfish and mean, everything goes wrong because of me, it's my fault because I'm such a bad person.

Loneliness. I'm boring, I don't know how to connect with people, people don't like me, I'm weird, I don't have friends.

 

Body:

 

Weakness belief. I'm small, fragile, people look at me and think I'm ridiculous, I will never be able to do those push-ups, or pull ups or have real strength, I'm skinny and puny, I can't put on weight.

Fragility belief. I have a frail body and a bad health, I'm always getting sick, I don't take care of my body, I only eat crap.

Tiredness belief. I'm so tired, I can't do anything else, I can't go on, this is exhausting. This is one of my faves at night, when I come back home and I assure myself I'm not even capable of reading a book because I'm so tired.

 

Change:

 

This is by far, the worst. This is just one simple sentence that is stucked in my mind. Only the "I am a mess" has the same strength. "Always the same/I'm always the same/I'm always doing the same". I don't know if this translates in english as the same it means in my own language. It's the certainty of things having been always the same for everyone of my other beliefs, and the reassurance that I/things/life will never change and will be forever as bad as I have always thought they are in my mind.

 

As I said, this runs in autopilot the most of the time. Something happens (some flute exercise I don't get, friends forgetting about something that was important to me, I get hurt or sick...) and it triggers always the same responses. I'd like SO MUCH to stop this.

ACT says I can't. That I have to learn to accept all this is there, and that I have to stop fighting my feelings and thoughts about this. It's true that since I stopped arguing with my mind when these things pop up I've been feeling better, but I really wish there could be a day when all this could be erased.

 

 

 

*friends forgetting about something that was important to me

This area of my life is sad right now. I had a few people I considered close friends, and I've worked to keep those relationships going on despite the distance. Lately I realised that I was not as important to them as they are to me, and this has been a hard blow. Three of these people I have known and been friends with for the last 20 years, and around 10 for the other, and it is being hard to accept things (like one of your "close friends" going through a whole pregnancy without telling you -we can't see each other- and suddenly one day you call and she tells you "you know what, I had a baby last week"). All this is creating a situation where my negative thoughts about how people see me reinforce themselves, and it hurts.

[deftona]

I'm really sorry you feel like this. I am sorry you aren't as close to your friends as you thought and I am sorry you have so many negative beliefs. Do you have alternative, positive statements you can counter when your brain starts being so negative about you? It might be handy to have a list you can refer to. 

And I don't think you're boring at all. I think you're really funny, a pleasure to know and I am glad we're internet friends. 

[Lara]

4 hours ago, deftona said:

Do you have alternative, positive statements you can counter when your brain starts being so negative about you? It might be handy to have a list you can refer to. 

I do have a list of not exactly "positive", but realistic statements I use. However, what's proving the most useful is to stop arguing. When my mind comes with these types of thoughts, now I just say "thank you for reminding me of that" and I put the thought on a leave in the river. It works much better than trying to "fight" with positive things. I use positive affirmations at other moments, when I don't have those negative thoughts, to try to balance.

You know, I didn't know a few months ago I had so many negative beliefs. They were there, but they were just thoughts. I've always known I tend to focus on the negative side of things, but after making the effort of writing all the thoughts, organizing them, knowing to what they refer, then is when I've realized the full extent of the problem. Now, the positive note is that locating the problem makes it easier to feel better. Now when these thoughts appear, I say "oh, this is the tiredness tale again", and after just that thoughts lose a lot of its strength. It looks so simple that seems stupid, but it works.

 

4 hours ago, deftona said:

And I don't think you're boring at all. I think you're really funny, a pleasure to know and I am glad we're internet friends. 

Thank you very much

I hope you will tell me when you're pregnant

I don't "think" I'm boring, it's just what my mind says so, so in some ways I "think" it but not in others, I don't know if I'm being clear.

On the other hand, my boyfriend says that people usually like me, it's just that, from his point of view, I appear to others like a strong and self-assured person (!!!) so they don't think they can be friends with me because I don't seem to have weaknesses. This is even more sad because I don't have that feeling at all so I don't know how to change that. In any case, those close friends I call them "close" because they know about my weaknesses, and yet they behave as if they can't hurt me.

[Lara]

Back after a short while. I've been doing my actions almost everyday, until these last 2 weeks when work went crazy and I catched a stupid bad cold. I couldn't rest or have a sick leave because there were so many concerts I had to play in. So here I am: I have barely slept nor eaten in a week, while being on the stage with fever everyday. So I feel weak, and disconnected from my goals and my life right now.

What I plan to do to start recovering and getting back into my life this next week:

 

 

[deftona]

Urgh, sorry to hear you've been sick and haven't been able to take the appropriate rest. I hope you get chance to relax a little bit now and recover before continuing to kick ass. It's great to have you back, you have been missed! 

[SymphonicDan]

That's a tough week so well done for completing it properly!

 

Just read your previous comment about classifying the negative thoughts you have - that's a really neat idea for anyone who finds they have many of them. You're a high-achiever with high standards for yourself, so it's no surprise that you have a low opinion of yourself while other people have a high opinion, think you're infallible etc. The opposite would be someone arrogant with misplaced confidence  From what you've written over the years it's clear you aren't a mess, useless, selfish, mean, a loser, unlikable or boring - so remember that those thoughts are because you naturally worry, not based on reality. With an imaginative mind you can find negative ideas and self-criticisms regardless of the situation.

 

Rest well now you hopefully have the opportunity, take it easier if possible next week at school

[Lara]

22 hours ago, deftona said:

Urgh, sorry to hear you've been sick and haven't been able to take the appropriate rest. I hope you get chance to relax a little bit now and recover before continuing to kick ass. It's great to have you back, you have been missed! 

 

That's sweet, thank you! <3

 

19 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

That's a tough week so well done for completing it properly!

 

Just read your previous comment about classifying the negative thoughts you have - that's a really neat idea for anyone who finds they have many of them. You're a high-achiever with high standards for yourself, so it's no surprise that you have a low opinion of yourself while other people have a high opinion, think you're infallible etc. The opposite would be someone arrogant with misplaced confidence  From what you've written over the years it's clear you aren't a mess, useless, selfish, mean, a loser, unlikable or boring - so remember that those thoughts are because you naturally worry, not based on reality. With an imaginative mind you can find negative ideas and self-criticisms regardless of the situation.

 

Rest well now you hopefully have the opportunity, take it easier if possible next week at school

 

It is not exactly that I have a low opinion of myself. I don't know how to explain it: I don't really think I am a mess or any of those awful things I wrote. I think I am a rather nice person who works hard to improve herself even when I am already an accomplished professional and I have built a good personal life. It's just that a part of my brain keeps on saying the opposite, generating painful thoughts in multiple occasions along the day. However, writing them down and organizing them has been helpful, and I am making good progress on understanding why my brain behaves like that and which situations act as triggers. Working on my insecurities and self-esteem is also providing great insight and making a difference.

 

I hope to use this week to regain energy. I'm lucky it is the spring break, so I won't have to work until next tuesday.

[Lara]

Cold is still here. However, I feel much better. It's a pity I've used most of the holidays to recover, instead of having fun with all the things I had thought I could do.

Not much time outside because in fact it made the cold to come back and I felt worse after walks, but lots of meditation and healthy eating. Still don't know whether to take next challenge.

[Lara]

On 1/1/2017 at 6:03 PM, zenLara said:

Won't be buying ANY books until I finish reading all of those in my pile

FAILED.

[Lara]

 

[Lara]

Things aren't working properly. For these last months, I've seen my motivation and energy levels go down.

I have here at my side my goals notebook, that I used at the beginning of the year to find out what I wanted to do with my life in 2017. It was an ambitious plan, but nothing too far from what I had accomplished last year, and yet, after 5 months. most goals remain unachieved.

I find myself wasting time at the computer, or just doing nothing, keeping candy or bread at home, and refusing to read books that I know I would enjoy.

It is true that elevating my level of music practice consumes more energy and that I should have expected other activities to be reduced, but, this level of paralysis?

 

I don't want this to be just me complaining. I want to find solutions. I don't want to keep on wasting time. It is ok to waste time when it is deliberated, or when you need to rest, to be a bit lazy from time to time. I'm ok with that. What I am not ok with is seeing my days go by without any joy, any new experience, or any sense of satisfaction. I must accept, too, that these last months have been emotionally tough, and that such a situation eats up a lot of energy, but I truly think I can do better. I can respect and accept my feelings, and work on them, while at the same time building a life worth living.

 

There is one thing that annoys me the most about not reaching my goals: that I have stopped doing things I love to do: being outside in nature, using my body to move through it, and learning things. These are pillars of my life, and they are just gone, and I think their disappearance has a lot to do with my feelings of dissatisfaction.

 

So, let's start with some discipline and some slack at the same time.

 

The discipline: for this next week, I will have to go for a short walk EVERYDAY. It's a must. It can be going up and down the park in the neighbourhood (about 10 minutes) or going on an errand by foot, or going to the woods, whatever. But everyday. Then, I have to spend more time in the sun. There is this gloomy feeling over me, and I could swear it is because of lack of light and fresh air. When I'm sitting at the computer, I'll keep the window open (unless there is excessive noise), and I'll try to do my reading in the patio.

 

The slack: I won't care about eating sugar or bread, or candy, or cookies or whatever, I'll try not to judge nor criticize myself for it, BUT, there is going to be a lot of greens (and reds, and oranges...) in my plate. And, I'm going to try something different about my reading: all of the books on my waiting shelf are non-fiction, so it doesn't matter (up to a point) whether I read them fully or in order. So, from now on, instead of reading "a book", I'll choose a random interesting chapter from a random book. The goal being just reading and learning instead of trying to reduce the pile.

 

I hope this will help to make me feel more energized and positive.

 

[deftona]

I think we all have phases in our life where making ourselves do the things we know we'll get enjoyment from is more difficult but I think you have a solid plan going forward. I think you're doing the right thing giving yourself a bit of a break because you have had a rough few months, and that's only me thinking of the things I know you've gone through which probably isn't everything. Good luck with your new plan and you know we're here to listen if you ever need to talk or vent. 

[NeverThatBored]

Ughhhhh I feel you on this! I've been floundering since the beginning of the year. Your plan sounds like a really good way to start handling it, and I can't wait to hear how it goes! Keep us posted!