XBlackWidowX's battle log

[Elastigirl]

Very pretty! Hopefully today is better.

[Jackdaw]

I've found a cure for anxiety, people! Works 100% I realized I can't be anxious and pissed off at the same time. Maybe I should become a permanently pissed-off person lol. 

[Jackdaw]

This week has been tough, but it seems my bad patch is finally over because today was actually quite a good day. And I’ve just got an aha moment and realized that even though I can’t keep on working out, I can go swimming because it doesn’t put pressure on the back! I have no idea why I haven’t thought about it earlier. I’ll feel much better if I still can do some sports.

 

In the end I am having a break from studying this week. I am still doing breathwork and cold showers. I talked with my brother and uncle, so I sticked to talking with every relative once a month.

 

A pic I took on my way back home today:

 

[ReturnOfTheDad]

Great picture! Glad things are going better for you this week.

[Jackdaw]

I don't know how it happened, but my anxiety changed its timetable lol. I'd been anxious at work since I started my work life (six years), but now I am peaceful like a monk and anxious at home instead.

 

Recently I have a  serious problem with time anxiety. It seems it's never enough and most imortantly I want it to pass a bit slower. I am in a constant battle with time.  I even feel like this on my rest day when I only do some fun things. No idea how to deal with it.

 

Besides I feel so unwell, hopefully when I start with sport (swimming) again next week I can return to my normal mental state.

[Ziraiah]

On 2/22/2023 at 6:43 AM, XBlackWidowX said:

@Ziraiah Do you have any tips how to kick it? Even if I complete all my tasks, I still try to do something more because I am in a hurry to make a progress and I don't want to waste any time.  But it's unhealthy, because no matter how much I do, it never seem to be enough. 

 

I try to do most of the stuff I "need" to do before 3 pm. I'm a day person, and I have plenty of closing shifts on my schedule, so it's just something that works for me. Evenings are mostly just for winding down and taking care of Kassu.

 

Maybe you could also try to schedule those things you want to do for some spesific time of the day? That would free up some time for just being, relaxing and calming down. 

 

I know the feeling of never being enough. I've struggled with it a lot. What helped me was something a therapist once said to me. "When you have been constantly pushing yourself to the limits for months, your whole nervous system is on overdrive. You need to calm it down to funktion properly."

 

I'm sorry to hear about your back pain struggles. Swimming sounds like a great plan! I should try that too. It is such a great and gentle way to add in some exercise, without straining the body too much.

[Jackdaw]

15 hours ago, Ziraiah said:

I try to do most of the stuff I "need" to do before 3 pm. I'm a day person, and I have plenty of closing shifts on my schedule, so it's just something that works for me. Evenings are mostly just for winding down and taking care of Kassu.

 

Maybe you could also try to schedule those things you want to do for some spesific time of the day? That would free up some time for just being, relaxing and calming down. 

 

I know the feeling of never being enough. I've struggled with it a lot. What helped me was something a therapist once said to me. "When you have been constantly pushing yourself to the limits for months, your whole nervous system is on overdrive. You need to calm it down to funktion properly."

 

I'm sorry to hear about your back pain struggles. Swimming sounds like a great plan! I should try that too. It is such a great and gentle way to add in some exercise, without straining the body too much.

 

My problem is I still feel I need to do more, besides the things I have in my schedule. If I don't, I feel like I'll never meet my goals. I have some time off, but recently I can't even relax on those days

[Elastigirl]

 

17 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

t seems it's never enough and most imortantly I want it to pass a bit slower. I am in a constant battle with time.  I even feel like this on my rest day when I only do some fun things. No idea how to deal with it

Yeah, I hear you, I struggle with that too. I'm really trying to learn how to focus my goals and prioritize them. Like with fitness, my main goal is strength, so my focus is on that. I try and do some other things too, but I try and remember that getting my strength workouts done is a win.

 

I have a weekly planner sheet, and a daily planner sheet that I write my goals for the week and day on. It's all one sheet, and there is not much writing space, That's good, it keeps me being realistic.

 

I laugh at myself. Yes, I have a Ranger personality, and a tendency to want to do all the things, I think I can miraculously accomplish a 100 things in a day. When I find myself doing that, I try to just laugh, and tease myself lovingly (like I would a friend) and remind myself that life will go on even if I don't do all the things.?

[Jackdaw]

3 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I have a weekly planner sheet, and a daily planner sheet that I write my goals for the week and day on. It's all one sheet, and there is not much writing space, That's good, it keeps me being realistic.

 

Does it actually help? I never liked making lists, I think I'd make myself more crazy with that. 

 

I really need to overcome it ? I realized that when I am calm I can actually do more and enjoy it. Thank you for your encouragement! Maybe I need to laugh at myself too, but it seems hard for me. 

[Elastigirl]

9 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

Does it actually help? I never liked making lists, I think I'd make myself more crazy with that. 

 

I really need to overcome it ? I realized that when I am calm I can actually do more and enjoy it. Thank you for your encouragement! Maybe I need to laugh at myself too, but it seems hard for me. 

For me it's helped. It is  a skill I'm practicing.Sometimes I write too many things, and have to dial back. The big thing that helps is that the space for writing the list is limited, so that makes me limit and prioritize.  And the ability to laugh at yourself is invaluable. I don't , of course, mean in a mocking way, just like you might  lovingly tease  a dear friend about a quirk they have. Laughing at yourself is a good reminder that it really isn't as serious as you think it is.

[Ziraiah]

On 3/6/2023 at 3:23 AM, XBlackWidowX said:

 

My problem is I still feel I need to do more, besides the things I have in my schedule. If I don't, I feel like I'll never meet my goals. I have some time off, but recently I can't even relax on those days

 

That sounds really stressful, I'm sorry to hear you experience such pressure all the time. I wish I could prescribe some non-productive time for you in daily bases. ? Overachieving can be exhausting.

[Jackdaw]

Can life get any stranger? Yesterday one child unexpectedly bit another teacher's bottom (would never see that coming in a million years lol. But now every time I pass near that kid, I tend not to  turn my back) and today I spent one very weird hour at the gym... blowing a balloon. The coach is sure it' s gonna help my back.  Well, we'll see. I am not gonna give up.

 

My anxiety is a roller-coaster, I turn from being tranquil and euphoric to totally anxious and feeling so trapped I wanna crawl out of my own skin (and the other way round)  sometimes in mere hours. Sometimes I feel like I am two completely different people huh. 

 

I am gonna write more about the last two weeks later. For now a song:

 

"Cause I do my own thing
I strut in my own lane
I'm marching to the
Beat beat beat of my drum"

 

 

[ReturnOfTheDad]

Sorry to hear the anxiety is such a challenge still. Rockin song though!

[Jackdaw]

So today I got the courage and went to see a psychotherapist for the first time in my life. I don’t really believe in a psychology and I don’t see how talking to some guy/woman could help me, but I thought, damn it, I’ll use all resources available to battle my problem. Just have an open mind, right?

 

Today the psychologist really outdid herself. She underestimated me, laught at me and labeled me and she managed to do it in one minute (after that one minute I just went out and the meeting was over.) Outstanding job, Ma'am! If there was a contest for the worst doctor, you’d probably win.

 

She told me anxiety is an attitude problem, not a disease, she literally laught in my face and said maybe I should go for a walk or talk to my friends to unwind. And “don’t get drank, because you foreigners all like to solve your problems with alcohol. And why are you so thin, anyhow? I bet you don’t eat well.”

 

 

I swear, if it wasn’t so ridiculous I’d maybe find it sad, but right now I find it rather funny.

 

 

 

 Weekly wrap-ups:

 

 

06.03-12.03 

 

I did well with studying (all done). I had a blast in my German class, I had such a flow, it was very good. I am improving nicely. Watched a German series "DRUCK" and most of it was quite effortless which is awesome too, because it is a series about teens and they really tend to slur and cut sentences. Kept on reading the novel Tintenherz. I can read this one as easily as a book in English. Nice. Next time I’ll try with a more serious book.

 

Sport: went swimming once and played frisbee with my husband. That's something new. It was so much fun!

 

 

13.03-19.03

 

I was in bad shape mentally, so I decided to take a break. It was a good decision, because now I feel awesome. I went swimming once and kept on reading the novel (it’s really great, so engrossing!), but that’s it.

I did some writing today and I am gonna do some cleaning soon.

 

[TimovieMan]

21 minutes ago, XBlackWidowX said:

Today the psychologist really outdid herself. She underestimated me, laught at me and labeled me and she managed to do it in one minute (after that one minute I just went out and the meeting was over.) Outstanding job, Ma'am! If there was a contest for the worst doctor, you’d probably win.

 

She told me anxiety is an attitude problem, not a disease, she literally laught in my face and said maybe I should go for a walk or talk to my friends to unwind. And “don’t get drank, because you foreigners all like to solve your problems with alcohol. And why are you so thin, anyhow? I bet you don’t eat well.”

 

Let me single out this particular sentence:

Quote

If there was a contest for the worst doctor, you’d probably win.

^This.

 

And the added implication that she's not a representation of what psychologist are and do *at all*.

 

Please don't let her dissuade you from seeing someone else. Maybe someone that actually knows his/her job.

[Jackdaw]

1 hour ago, TimovieMan said:

And the added implication that she's not a representation of what psychologist are and do *at all*.

 

Please don't let her dissuade you from seeing someone else. Maybe someone that actually knows his/her job.

Yeah,  I know  I think you need to go through a lot, before you find a right one, may it be a boyfriend/girfriend, teacher, doctor or whatever. I just didn't imagine someone could actually be THAT bad lol.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

So sorry to hear you had to deal with that doctor. I’ve had to go through a few for my mental health issues and I’ve found it is worth the search to find a good one. I have some friends that suffer from severe anxiety as well and they had good experiences with the medication route. Not sure if that’s something you’ve considered but maybe it can help.

[Scaly Freak]

9 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

She told me anxiety is an attitude problem, not a disease, she literally laught in my face and said maybe I should go for a walk or talk to my friends to unwind. And “don’t get drank, because you foreigners all like to solve your problems with alcohol. And why are you so thin, anyhow? I bet you don’t eat well.”

 

What the actual fuck is wrong with this person? Actually, nobody answer that. We don't need to get that toxic here.

 

Good for you for walking out! And also for managing to meet an entire life's quota of horrible medical providers in this one minute. Holy smokes.  

 

7 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

Yeah,  I know  I think you need to go through a lot, before you find a right one, may it be a boyfriend/girfriend, teacher, doctor or whatever. I just didn't imagine someone could actually be THAT bad lol.

 

Ummm... me neither. Yikes.

 

But you are correct, it can take some searching and trial and error, to find a good therapist that really clicks with you. I hope you don't let this horribly bad experience dissuade you from reaching out again. I'm only one person, but I am a good example of how severe anxiety can be helped and successfully managed with the help of a competent and actually helpful therapist. Don't give up!

[Jackdaw]

18 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

I have some friends that suffer from severe anxiety as well and they had good experiences with the medication route. Not sure if that’s something you’ve considered but maybe it can help.

 Thanks! I'd rather stay away from medication, I've heard it is not really a solution and it is very hard to give them up. I suffer from moderate anxiety, I can function normally in my everyday life, the only problem is it worsens the quality of my life because I have headaches and feel uncomfortable when I get anxious. With breathwork it got much better, but I'm still searching for some way to get rid of it completely.

[Jackdaw]

16 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

And also for managing to meet an entire life's quota of horrible medical providers in this one minute. Holy smokes.  

Haha, yeah, right? Sometimes life really surprises you. 

 

16 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

I'm only one person, but I am a good example of how severe anxiety can be helped and successfully managed with the help of a competent and actually helpful therapist.

Could you say something more about it? I know some people go to see a psychotherapist because they are unclear what causes their problems or they need to work through some past traumas with someone. I am crystal clear what my problem and its source are, I just don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel. Can a psychotherapy help me with that?

 

Thank you for encouragement

[Scaly Freak]

8 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

Could you say something more about it? I know some people go to see a psychotherapist because they are unclear what causes their problems or they need to work through some past traumas with someone. I am crystal clear what my problem and its source are, I just don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel. Can a psychotherapy help me with that?

 

I don't mind talking about my anxiety or my therapy experiences at all.  

 

Before I do that though, let's clarify some terminology, to avoid confusion and misunderstandings: In the US, we differentiate between psychiatrists and therapists. We sometimes refer to the latter as counselors or social workers, depending on specifics in their education but counselors and social workers are in reality a kind of therapist. I will use the term "therapist" in my post because that's easier for my typing muscle memory, so just remember that when I do, I mean the same thing you mean when you say "psychotherapist".

 

The biggest difference from our perspective as their patients, is that a psychiatrist can prescribe medications, while the therapist uses other methods to address the mental health issues we ask them to help us with. Which specific other methods, that depends on the therapist's specialty and sometimes their preferences as well.  Obviously, a skilled therapist is expected to work with their patient to find out which approach will work best for them, rather than just go to their preferred default method. Methods I've encountered are everything from just providing a safe space for me to express anxiety and emote, to providing supportive feedback, to creating an action plan for how to deal with anxiety attacks. 

 

The last method, create an action plan, is the one that has been the most impactful for me when it comes to anxiety management. The formal name for this therapy approach is "cognitive behavioral therapy", which is a fancy term for saying we can learn to recognize anxiety triggers and thought patterns that make anxiety worse, and then learn how to redirect them away from blowing up and creating an anxiety attack. I use a specific breathing  technique to slow down my emotions when the triggers hit, and have learned how to pause them long enough to prevent them from metaphorically exploding. I also use a lot of preventative measures, like regular exercise and time outdoors, quality time with my pets and favorite human, and meditating daily.

 

At this point in my life, I'm at a place where what used to be a good anxiety day a few years ago, feels like a really bad anxiety day today. I don't remember the last time I had an outburst of blind rage, and they used to be common. This is progress, and my life is better because of it. My goal is to get to the point where the anxiety is just there, and it simmers now and then, but it's well managed and not interfering with what matters... Just like with any other chronic medical condition.  

 

To finally answer your question, yes, I do believe that a good therapist can help. I also believe that it can be difficult to find one who is not only a good therapist but a good fit for you, and that it is well worth the time and effort to search for one, and to discard one who is not a good fit, if you have options. A lot of therapists in the US will offer an initial screening or consultation for a lower fee, to help the two of you decide if you're a good fit for each other. Ask for these, and if they are available, take advantage of them. Mental health is as real and important as physical health, and you have every right to demand the best medical care you can access for a mental health condition as you do for a physical ailment.

[Jackdaw]

@Scaly Freak Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It's very helpful and encouraging to talk to someone who has a similar problem.

 

I'm quite confused about the differences between different therapists, because in China they all can prescribe medicine. That maybe means there are only psychiatrists here? And the bad thing is that the visit itself is very cheap and they can only earn more money by prescribing medicine. That's why just talking to someone isn't really profitable for the doctor. That horrible woman didn't want to listen to my problems at all and she just tried to force me to agree to medication. I will try in a different place, though. Maybe it's not like this everywhere. I was thinking about online therapy, but it's freaking expensieve for me. Yuan to dollar or euro conversion is very unfavourable ? 

 

The action plan for battling anxiety sounds pretty good to me! That's what I need. It's also great you've been doing much better than before. That's something to be proud of!

 

 

[Jackdaw]

Weekly wrap-up:

 

It was a great, anxiety-free week. I went swimming three times, I had a blast writing a story, I played frisbee with my coworker at work, it was really fun.

 

I have been untiringly blowing balloons to work my lower back muscles. I am a quite sight to behold for my colleagues, I guess xD  The coach said now it is time to blow the long, model balloon and it's just so hard! I blow and blow and blow and it doesn't even twitch, instead I feel like my brain is gonna explode xD But the balloon doesn't matter, I guess, my back does.

 

I finished watching The Last of Us, it was such an amazing show, totally beyond my expectations. At the end I got so comfortable I even forgot I was listening to it in a foreign language, I could understand everything so effortlessly! That's my goal in general. I started watching Tulsa King (it is awesome, the humour so sublime!) in English and the second season of DRUCK in German. I've learnt a new English expression: "holy cow" It's so funny, I love it xD I just want to keep on saying holy cow all the time xD

 

 

No studying besides the listening part happened, but it was kinda intentional. I was giving myself so much pressure recently, I realized going on like that didn't make sense. It's not like I am preparing for some exam or competition, I just want to improve myself. But if I am gonna work myself into madness it is not worth it. That's why, I am gonna change this part of the challenge.

 

 

I started writing a new fan fiction just for kicks, I guess no one is gonna read it except my friend because it's for an almost non-existent fandom. But I am totally having a blast writing it, because there is no pressure to let anyone like it. And that's why I am enjoying the process, besides, I can write more and better. If I can also develop this kind of attitude for other stories and most importantly, for studying, it'd be awesome. I am gonna try. I always thought life is like a video game, probably like many folks here, just keep on leveling up slowly and have fun in the meantime. That's why the new plan is... no plan. Practise when you feel like it. I am gonna focus on listening and vocab app mainly, do everything I had planned is too much. Will see how it goes in this way.

 

Tried to clean the apartment, but after mopping half of the flat my back was killing me. A bad idea.

 

Did my breathwork and cold shower every day. Longest breath hold: 2:15. Shower: 1:15.

 

 

Watched and commented on Justin Rosales' youtube video on hands/feet in ice bucket. He is Wim Hof's friend and the co-author of the book "Becoming the Iceman" which got me into the cold training in the first place. He replied immediately and it was so long, I was shocked! He even said he appreciated my comment so much he saved it in a special folder. Internet is awesome. We can reach out to people just like that and get a real connection.

[Scaly Freak]

7 hours ago, XBlackWidowX said:

It was a great, anxiety-free week.

 

This is awesome and well deserved. I hope you get many more of these!

[Elastigirl]

How does blowing balloons help with your back? It's been a while since I tried to blow up a balloon. I used to be horrible at it. Now, I'm wondering if it would be easier since my fitness has improved.