Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Thanks y'all. <3 It went okay. Super glad my roommate was there to handle my parents even though that wasn't my intention. She got some good photos too. I'm glad it's over though. I got nothing out of it and wouldn't have bothered going if not for my parents.

 

Blehhh I was gonna write more but I'm exhausted (didn't sleep well last night + long day) and have to go finish packing and also tidy up the house a bit. Well the tidying can wait til tomorrow. Maybe not so much the packing. Whatever. Sleep soon. Yes.

[Severine]

On 5/9/2017 at 1:01 PM, fleaball said:

In other news, the neck pain I had a few weeks ago that convinced me I had the same mystery virus? Was from clenching my teeth. When I went to student health the other night I asked if it would cause my neck to hurt and without knowing where it was she traced the exact line down my neck saying that was a muscle from my jaw. So there's one less thing to worry about. 

 

Oh yeah jaw clenching really messes with the neck. I have one of these things and I absolutely love it. I put it on and then wrap a scarf over it to keep the back flap pressed up against my neck and I probably look like a dumbass but who cares because it's amazing and really helps.

 

On 5/13/2017 at 5:17 PM, fleaball said:

My mother looks like crap but she's here!

 

I am so so so glad she made it  

 

On 5/14/2017 at 10:07 AM, fleaball said:

I still feel really really guilty for asking my roommate to come (made worse by the fact that she's like "no I'll go up super early with you and just stick with your parents in case they need anything while you go do what you have to" and while that was all her idea I feel bad because I didn't ask her to come sit through this entire thing just to babysit my parents)

 

That's a really thoughtful gesture and she did it because she cares and she wants to help you. I know it's hard but try to just accept the support and affection!

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

Thanks y'all. <3 It went okay. Super glad my roommate was there to handle my parents even though that wasn't my intention. She got some good photos too. I'm glad it's over though. I got nothing out of it and wouldn't have bothered going if not for my parents.

 

Blehhh I was gonna write more but I'm exhausted (didn't sleep well last night + long day) and have to go finish packing and also tidy up the house a bit. Well the tidying can wait til tomorrow. Maybe not so much the packing. Whatever. Sleep soon. Yes.

 

So many congratulations. What you did this semester was nothing short of amazing. You have earned all the rest.

[Jarric]

19 hours ago, Severine said:

What you did this semester was nothing short of amazing. You have earned all the rest.

QFT

 

Glad graduation went ok  

[fleaball]

I'm at the supermarket getting birthday cards for my father and chicken for dinner, but my mother has a 102 fever and may or may not wind up in the hospital tonight. I've had a really bad feeling all day but I hope I'm just overreacting. It was a decent week and this is not how I wanted it to end. And I really don't want to have to fly out tomorrow if she's in the hospital. Fuck. 

[Severine]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm at the supermarket getting birthday cards for my father and chicken for dinner, but my mother has a 102 fever and may or may not wind up in the hospital tonight. I've had a really bad feeling all day but I hope I'm just overreacting. It was a decent week and this is not how I wanted it to end. And I really don't want to have to fly out tomorrow if she's in the hospital. Fuck. 

 

  Sending all the hugs and good luck wishes that she feels better. Try not to worry about stuff until it happens, I guess? That seems like a dumb thing to say given the situation (I'd be worried too) but it's all I've got. Keeping my fingers crossed for you

 

[fleaball]

7 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

  Sending all the hugs and good luck wishes that she feels better. Try not to worry about stuff until it happens, I guess? That seems like a dumb thing to say given the situation (I'd be worried too) but it's all I've got. Keeping my fingers crossed for you

 

Fever has gone down to 101. She's spent most of the day sleeping but insists she's fine. 

 

Part of me is super overreacting because she did so well this past week and felt so good that it was like that last burst of energy before the end kind of thing. Mostly based on the fact that the last time I saw my grandfather he was fine and lively and all that, then went downhill

fast and died within a week. so it's that more than anything, I think. But still unsettling that she had bloodwork done two days ago and everything was great and now she's got such a high fever. :/ 

[Dagger]

*hugs* <3 

[fleaball]

My mother felt crappy today but was much improved over yesterday. Hopefully she'll be well enough for chemo tomorrow. 

 

My flight is delayed by an hour and I'm cranky. 

 

I have an overwhelming urge to start crying right now and I'm not sure why. This is fun. 

[Severine]

Good to hear about your mum improving. And airport travel seems to be all about delays for the nerds I know recently. Bollocks to that.

 

Don't cry! You need cats to snuggle in a blanket fort, and something good to watch on Netflix.

 

 

[Dagger]

1 minute ago, Severine said:

 

Quoting for extra cuteness/catiness of seeing it again.

[fleaball]

Ugh. Had chemo today, it went well. Went out to lunch after. Fever came back this evening and they called the doctor's emergency line; her oncologist called back and said to get her to the hospital in an ambulance. Now she's being admitted. 

 

I'm trying not to freak out but I'm scared. It's been five months since she was diagnosed and while we never got a timeline, barring an actual miracle every day is a day closer to the end. Because that's how this one goes. And while I don't think highly enough of myself to say she only hung on to see me graduate, she was determined not just to be around for it but to make it down. That was a really big motivation and her whole care team was rooting for her. And in terms of things to look forward to, there's not much else coming up. I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. I'm not trying to make it all about me. But she was talking about needing a new short-term goal to shoot for and I'm wondering if reaching this goal was a bad thing, almost, because what's next?

 

yeah I'm gonna quit before I dig myself into a deeper hole. I just got a masters in communication and I'm failing hard at it anyway. 

[fleaball]

My father just texted me. She'd had a CT scan done, still waiting for the results. But they sent him home. None of this is necessarily unusual but it's all shitty because every time something happens there's this crushing sense of "what if this is it?" It's suffocating. Every time she's in the hospital I spend half my time staring at my phone and hoping for an update with good news but also not wanting it to ring just in case. 

 

Also hey, today is my father's birthday. His 60th. Just to add an extra layer of fun.

 

Also, I went back to the dentist today to get the crown put on. (I still have the temporary one.) It hurts when I chew on that side, so even though she said it can take weeks/months to heal properly, especially if I'm still clenching my teeth, she wants me to see the endodontist before they cement the thing on forever. Which is great, except he's on vacation until June 1. So basically since I left the office this morning I've been concerned that every single ache or random twinge means my teeth are rotting out of my head. I know that's not the case. I'm stressed about my mother and about finding a job, I'm still wound tight from being at home for a week and hating everything, I'm getting my period at the end of the week... there are plenty of reasons for me to be oversensitive about it. But it still comes down to not being able to tell when there's cause for concern or not. That's what bothers me. Not the fact that something hurts, but that I don't know when I should ignore it and when I should get it checked out. 

 

And now it's nearly midnight. I've done none of the things I wanted to tonight and stayed up only because I'm reluctant to go to bed. Tomorrow's going to be great.

[NeverThatBored]

Sometimes I wonder how you don't just start smashing stuff. Like all the time. Seriously. You deal with so much and you're still pushing through it all and you're really just amazing. 

[Owlet]

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

Sometimes I wonder how you don't just start smashing stuff. Like all the time. Seriously. You deal with so much and you're still pushing through it all and you're really just amazing. 

Seconded

[Dagger]

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

yeah I'm gonna quit before I dig myself into a deeper hole. I just got a masters in communication and I'm failing hard at it anyway. 

I totally got what you tried to say.

 

5 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

Sometimes I wonder how you don't just start smashing stuff. Like all the time. Seriously. You deal with so much and you're still pushing through it all and you're really just amazing. 

Thirded.

[fleaball]

I mean most of the time I feel like this

 

 

(if the gif didn't work lmk pls)

[fleaball]

Downside to losing my cube and moving back to the kids' table: there's another girl here so I can't cry unnoticed. 

 

The thought process for crying right now? In my challenge thread I told NTB "you're the best." > My father said that to me this morning because I coordinated selling their junk car that's been sitting the driveway for two and a half years. > My mother was super pleased last weekend when I set it up. > Oh. My mother's in the hospital again whee.

 

Nothing is safe.

[fleaball]

Bladder infection. Whee. Spent the night in the ER and is still waiting to be moved to the fancy rooms in the cancer building. My father nearly gave me a heart attack just now because he called me instead of texting, which he never does. I really didn't want to answer it. Apparently he just forgot I was at work and thinks texting is cold so didn't want to keep texting. But ugh. Definitely just stared at my phone and wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to answer. 

 

First the kidney stones. Now this. Also it was a UTI that ultimately took down my grandmother. This is so not fun.

[Dagger]

[Owlet]

[Sloth the Enduring]

You really have it piled on. I'm sorry you have to go through so much.

[KimShea]

Sending virtual hugs.  So sorry all of this is happening.

[Severine]

Oh man, flea, so many hugs. Any update on your mum since Tuesday? And how's your tooth feel?

 

When I asked what was up in text and you said "same shit different day" I should have realized that was code for "actually a bunch of really hard and stressful stuff is going on, but I am too used to it to even describe it as serious." I wish we could do more than just listen supportively and post soothing kitten pictures, but damn it if that's all I can do then I am going to do it with all my might.

 

 

 

 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Oh man, flea, so many hugs. Any update on your mum since Tuesday? And how's your tooth feel?

 

When I asked what was up in text and you said "same shit different day" I should have realized that was code for "actually a bunch of really hard and stressful stuff is going on, but I am too used to it to even describe it as serious." I wish we could do more than just listen supportively and post soothing kitten pictures, but damn it if that's all I can do then I am going to do it with all my might.

 

 

 

 

Oh jeez, when I said that it's not like it was a cry for help or anything. I hope you don't feel bad! It's just that, yeah, shit sucks and I can't control it. But nothing new has happened so there's nothing worth reporting. Listening and kittens are appreciated though. <3

 

My tooth is... obnoxious. Went back yesterday to see a different endodontist, he looked at my xrays and poked around and said it's probably just aggravated because I'm clenching, so get an over the counter night guard as a temporary fix (why did no one tell me this was an option before?!), see if it gets better over the next few weeks, and if it gets better then get a custom night guard (for $350) and they can put the crown on then. But they made me keep the June 1 appointment with the guy who did the root canal since it's "his case"? Whatever. I ordered the thing on Amazon because Walgreens didn't have any and every CVS near me is shit. So it's coming tomorrow and I hope to god it works. I can deal with the pain (oh right, I'm also supposed to take 600mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day to control the inflammation from clenching?) I just dislike not knowing why there's pain. Although apparently the pain is more or less normal given the circumstances. 

 

My mother's still in the hospital til at least Monday. Apparently there are two different types of bacteria happening? And they have antibiotics in pill form for one but they haven't figured out what to give her for the other (she's currently getting IV meds) and they can't let her go until they've figured it out and have something to send her home with. But she also had a slight fever yesterday, despite being on antibiotics, so they have to figure out what caused that too. She was scheduled for chemo this coming Tuesday but that's been cancelled. Partly due to the infection(s) and partly because her oncologist is taking a 2-month leave of absence or something because her son is having surgery, and my mother has an appointment with her on Thursday to... idk, discuss the plan for the next two months or something? 

 

Spoiler

Honestly I'm scared as hell. Roommate asked me yesterday how my trip home was and when I mentioned the hospital she made a face and was like "well she did hit her goal..." which is exactly what I've been afraid of since forever. I wasn't sure she'd survive for graduation but was worried that if she did, what's next? Which I just remembered I wrote about earlier this week. Obviously I'm glad she's still alive but also part of me just really wants this to be over. I'm not wishing she dies or anything but it's also hard as fuck knowing this is terminal and will end sooner rather than later. She still doesn't want me to come home (I offered today since I don't have anything lined up) and I feel terrible but I'm also grateful because I couldn't do it. It's hard enough dealing with it over the phone and hearing her when she's weak and exhausted, if I had to be there and watch all this happen, and watch her doing these week-long stints in the hospital, I don't know what I would do. Whenever she was asleep while I was home I would literally look over every two minutes just to make sure she was breathing. My heart already stops every time my father calls me. It just sucks so much knowing that the end is near but having no idea when it actually will be. And it makes it even worse going home because I cry every time. "What if this is the last time she comes to the airport to greet me? What if this is the last time I see her in person? This could be the last time we X." Every time I talk to her on the phone could be the last time I ever talk to her. (And unless I know for sure it will be the last time, my last words to her will not be "I love you." Even if I do know, they might not be because I cannot bring myself to say it to her for anything.) 

 

I don't know where all this came from. I just started replying to your post and here it is. There was going to be more, but I stopped to refill my water and magically lost my train of thought. Or subconsciously decided I don't want to think about it anymore. Who knows.

 

[Severine]

40 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Oh jeez, when I said that it's not like it was a cry for help or anything. I hope you don't feel bad! It's just that, yeah, shit sucks and I can't control it. But nothing new has happened so there's nothing worth reporting. Listening and kittens are appreciated though. <3

 

Noooooo I didn't think you were whining or crying for help at all. Sorry, I just said it wrong. It was supposed to be admiration at how you're coping, not an implication that you were whining or anything. Quite the opposite. Like, bad things are going on but you're still able to function and engage in conversation, etc. I'm partway through your other thread and so I don't want to talk too much about the resilience stuff because I'm going to talk about it there, but I just mean that even if you feel like you need to work on the emotional resilience or mindset, you've definitely got core aspects of the practical resilience down.

 

And I don't feel bad exactly, just like...sympathetic solidarity feelings and hoping you feel supported, if that makes sense? I know there is more hard stuff coming and it's going to be really tough, and we can't really do anything about it. But I hope you get some encouragement from knowing all of us here care about you and will do whatever we can, not because you're weak and need help, but because we're your friends and people try to be good to their friends, especially when times are rough.

 

The stuff about your mum is just heart-wrenching. My heart goes out to your whole family. And it's so familiar. We went through all of the same stuff with D's dad at the end of 2016. And you're not alone for hating the uncertainty, and even sometimes wishing it would end despite what that means. Like even D's mum, in the last few weeks, was saying that. And it's hard but also totally natural and doesn't make you a bad daughter or anything like that. Honestly I think it's a really good thing that you've got realistic expectations about where things are going, and not hoping for a miracle recovery. It's acceptance. And all the thoughts you're having, even if they feel macabre or selfish or whatever, are part of your brain's effort to prepare yourself and be ready for it. As much as possible, try to let yourself feel whatever you feel without judgment. 

 

And although it sucks that meeting her goal opened up the uncomfortable "what next?" question, in a way that's a kind of victory too. Like, she has the luxury of needing to find a new goal, or maybe passing away without a goal because she already did the most crucial things. It seems like it was really important to her to be at graduation, and she must feel really good about making it. I think it's pretty beautiful that, in the middle of all this, she had a victory. And yeah it doesn't change the end result, but it's a spot of defiance in the face of something big and terrifying. It's like how D's dad, two weeks before he passed, was able to sit at the dinner table with everyone else at Thanksgiving and give a toast. He was hooked up to an oxygen tank and looked awful, but god damn it he was there. From one angle it was depressing - that we were celebrating such a thing as a victory. But hey, that's what was going on, and we found something to celebrate anyway. Those little moments of defiance help people heal, I think.

 

I'm sure your mum knows you love her whether you say it or not. If you can't say it, but want to tell her, you could always send a letter or something.