Osu

[Kishi]

Friday happened. Friday wound up being an open mat with just me and Spider Monkey. We rolled for about an hour straight before hanging out and talking afterward about life and such. It was a good time.

 

I went to go grocery shopping and was approached by a couple kids looking for converts at one of the local college churches. I took their prayers and then gave the answers to keep them off my back on a theological level. I have to admit, I felt kind of felt like I was engaging in some kind of a performance, and I didn't know how I felt about it, but having had a couple days to think about it I'm far more sanguine than I might have been. (to be clear, still think I'm a Christian man, but I'm picking up more Orthodox ideas about Christianity which ironically makes me  a little heteroorthodox to the Protestant traditions I grew up with. I wasn't sure if I was being fully honest with them when I gave the "passwords," but thinking about it I believe I was. I just thread that needle a little differently than I used to and from a more psychologically healthy place, I think).

 

Strength work happened after and was good. Nothing particularly notable.

 

Spent Saturday resting and looking things up. Went on WebMD to look up my shoulder symptoms and was gravely disappointed to discover I didn't have coronavirus. Or shoulder cancer.  Looks like what I have tracks with subacromial bursitis, which is super good news as it's entirely treatable with rest, time, and naproxen. I picked up some rehab exercises just to see how they feel and initial work shows promise; my shoulders felt really good and as of this morning they felt even better. I'm hopeful that this will continue to improve. Spider Monkey showed me some shoulder stuff that actually comes from Ido Portal, and I find it compelling enough to work into warm-up as well. So, you know. Just trying to be careful and mindful and healthy with my choices. I'll still probably go to an orthopedist next month just to check and make sure I'm doing the best possible things for myself; also, apparently injections are part of the standard treatment course for this and there's no real reason to leave that on the table.

 

I'm presently working on my writing at a coffeehouse with non-Maine Friend (who has traveled up to NH for another contract). Might go roll tonight and might not, depending on what time we get out. To roll is good, to rest is gain.  Rest week this week as well.

 

Need to figure out what to do as far as tourneys go. There's a grappling one up in April that I'm going to do, but I'm trying to figure out what I'mma do about kickboxing. Apparently there's a lot of stuff available but it's either sanctioned event-style shit or else it involves MT-style point work. Which I'm not opposed to, but I'm not familiar with either. Also, I really want to do the kyokushin tournament again in March, but I'm really not interested in putting on a gi and belting up again and I feel like that would be disrespectful to Ky-sensei and on and on and on. Phaw. All of which is complicated by the bursitis, and in fact the more prudent course might be to shoot for the grappling tournament in April and give myself some more time to heal. I imagine I could talk to the MMA guys about tourneys anyway.

 

Such good problems to have.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You say you are leaning towards orthodoxy, as in eastern Orthodox? 

[Kishi]

57 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You say you are leaning towards orthodoxy, as in eastern Orthodox? 

 

I think so. I don't want to claim it, exactly, but I found their approach to Original Sin to be more useful for me than the approach that I learned growing up. As such, I think it's probably worth getting to know them better.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

30 minutes ago, Kishi said:

 

I think so. I don't want to claim it, exactly, but I found their approach to Original Sin to be more useful for me than the approach that I learned growing up. As such, I think it's probably worth getting to know them better.

I have spent some time with some Orthodox groups and found them pretty compatible with my own beliefs, though I don't really have any desire to convert. Typically the Antiochian Orthodox churches (there is one in your area, I checked) are the most approachable to people interested in joining. 

[WhiteGhost]

7 hours ago, Kishi said:

 

I think so. I don't want to claim it, exactly, but I found their approach to Original Sin to be more useful for me than the approach that I learned growing up. As such, I think it's probably worth getting to know them better.

I'm not really super familiar with either. What is it about the Orthodox version that appeals to you?  (if you don't mind talking about it here) 

[WhiteGhost]

8 hours ago, Kishi said:

gravely disappointed to discover I didn't have coronavirus. Or shoulder cancer. 

Don't be so sure, online diagnoses are notoriously unreliable ?

 

[Kishi]

11 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Don't be so sure, online diagnoses are notoriously unreliable ?

 

 

Oh, I know. Hence my desire to run it by the ortho. Some habits from the pre-benefits day die hard.

 

11 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I'm not really super familiar with either. What is it about the Orthodox version that appeals to you?  (if you don't mind talking about it here) 

 

I don't mind at all! My understanding of the Orthodox version is that it divorces the idea of Original Sin from Original Guilt. As I'm sure you're familiar with, western Christianity teaches that when Adam sinned and fell from grace, the fallenness of his nature was inherited by his descendants. This is what is referred to as the depravity of man, and is expounded upon at first and most by Augustine based on his reading of St. Paul.

 

And maybe for some people that's a good read. I don't know. I do know that, at least for me, the idea of myself as an inherently bad person whose goodness was ultimately a façade to cover for evil ultimately resulted in some really psychologically destructive patterns and ways of being. Sure, I was saved, but I was still a terrible person, and that terribleness would never really go away. It couldn't. It was the default.

 

The Orthodox version instead treats Original Sin like an inherited medical condition. That condition is spiritual death and isolation from the One who loves us the most. This medical condition was brought about in us by the decisions of the one we inherited it from. But we inherit the condition of death. We don't inherit the guilt of that decision. To be clear, we have the freedom to do bad things, and we're responsible for those bad things, but we can also do good things, and that good comes from us as well. We get credit for that, for all that we're dead.

 

The purpose, then, of Christ crucified is to unmake that death and to pattern what comes after. Physical death is unavoidable (and in an Orthodox read is necessary) but life and love ultimately win in the end.

 

Of course, I'm still a Protestant right now so this is probably not the most thorough read on the topic. I'll attempt humility and admit that it could just be that I'm taking what suits me right now and that there are probably details I'm missing. I probably shouldn't be your reference point on this, but...

 

18 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I have spent some time with some Orthodox groups and found them pretty compatible with my own beliefs, though I don't really have any desire to convert. Typically the Antiochian Orthodox churches (there is one in your area, I checked) are the most approachable to people interested in joining. 

 

Aah, yeah! I've passed by their church before. I've always thought it was very pretty. It's surrounded by a bunch of woods on one of the back roads between Raleigh and Cary and it just kind of emerges, this thing of white walls and golden onion domes. Very striking on a sunny day.

 

*

 

So, the place we wound up going to is this super dope coffeehouse that specializes in local beans and good food. I got an Acai bowl and felt super Brazilian; my understanding is that American jiujiteros like me love to appropriate the culture from down there and these bowls are a part of it.  Oh well. At least I'm a conscientious consumer. The way the system is set up, I suppose that's the best I can do/be right now.

 

We finished up our work on our projects and went our separate ways in time for me to get home and get a gi so I could roll. So that's what I did. We had the unusual situation of a purple belt coming to visit us, but our teaching blue played it off well. (for context, purple is the official rank at which you become accredited to teach, and blue is the belt below it). They basically went over X-guard basics; it suited the purple fine because he only had one basic part of X-guard. So the class basically split; we in addition to the purple belt also had a Hapkido black belt on the mats who comes from the blue's other school, so the blue went with him while the purple played shepherd to us white belts.

 

Rolling afterward, I managed to tap both the other white belt and the HKD black belt. This latter one is notable in particular because I tapped him on pressure rather than on technique; I took a lot of space from him that he wasn't prepared to give and didn't give it back, and when he tried to buck me, I rode it and took even more from him. He cracked under that.

 

To be clear, I'm not terribly proud of beating him that way. If anything, I found myself empathizing with him. I remembered my second class in BJJ when I got out-pressured by the blue belt and wound up tapping to it because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Feeling that pressure is... scary. And there are certain positions even now where I find myself and there's a part of my mind that's just going "Oh God, this is it, they're gonna get you this time, you're not going to be able to tap and you're gonna get hurt and there's nothing you can do about it." So instead of basking in the glow of beating a black belt in another style, I found myself running aftercare on the dude instead. Because... I understood.

 

Rolling with the purple belt I got tapped twice, but I also managed to get Scarf Hold on him and almost got him in an arm triangle choke before the clock ran out. That was a good feeling. Clearly I need to be eating more Acai bowls.

 

Went home afterward, did some shadow work and used that to warm my bits and pieces up for stretching.

 

And now for a rant out of nowhere. I mentioned in another topic that I'd been in some rebellion against a lot of the anti-fragility stuff I used to preach some years ago and had gone the other way in terms of softer, more self-caring type stuff. I mentioned that I'd come to see both of those things as two sides of the same coin. @sarakingdom asked me to expound on that a little bit, so I'mma gonna.

 

So, let's review. The concept of antifragility most recently gained notoriety due to a book by Nassim Taleb; this was expounded upon by both Brett McKay of Art of Manliness and our own Fearless Leader. My attempts to gain this antifragility were mostly tied to attempts to toughen up on a physical and mental level. They still are, to a certain extent; after all, what is toughness but an ability to survive and even to thrive in circumstances where less tough people falter? It seemed to me to be a way to live that sort of thing out from the very core of me.

 

So I went looking for ways to toughen up. I took up fasting and cold showers and sought discomfort where I could. And for a time, that was good. Some of y'all Monks who follow me out here might remember; this was when we did Minichallenges that were based around toughness and I tried to inflict a lot of what I was doing on others without any real appreciation for where they were and what they could take.

 

But in doing so, I was ignorant of recovery. Not just in terms of the amount of recovery but also in terms of what that recovery would look like. And having it to look back on, this was probably very unwise of me. Training any attribute physically means a certain amount of recovery, because recovery is when you build the adaptation you're looking for. Training minus recovery is just "working out," or "needlessly suffering." Working out is easy. Gassing yourself is easy, suffering is easy. Eating those things and becoming better because of them is hard, often in ways that seem counterintuitive.

 

In the past year, as I've worked to broaden and deepen my relationships, I've found myself in spaces where I've had to engage in the self care practices of others as a means to empathize with them. It's meant things like eating good food and drinking good drink, and doing so led me to other comforts, like nesting in blankets on a couch with a cup of something hot and soothing or seeking out time in deep conversation with people I care about.

 

At first, I have to admit, I had a vague sense of guilt about the whole thing. I worried that I was going soft and that I was going to lose out on the attributes I wanted, but it really hasn't turned out to be that way at all. If anything, those comforts are shaping up as a form of recovery, and I find now that I have a deeper appetite for the harder disciplines. Thing is, I know if I pursue those harder disciplines, they will in turn lead me to a greater degree of indulgence in the softer, self-caring type practices.

 

And you know what? I think that's okay. Because harder training requires harder recovery; stands to reason that if you're going to be hard on yourself and stand in a cold shower in the middle of winter that you should be able to step out, dry off, put on something warm and fuzzy and drink something warm afterward. Because recovery doesn't unmake what you did to yourself. If anything, it may just accelerate the process.

 

Besides, the purpose of such training is to prepare yourself for times when you're going to need it. That time isn't supposed to be all the time.

 

Anyway. /rant

 

Rest week this week. Same work but lighter, inasmuch as I can make it so.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

Of course, I'm still a Protestant right now so this is probably not the most thorough read on the topic. I'll attempt humility and admit that it could just be that I'm taking what suits me right now and that there are probably details I'm missing. I probably shouldn't be your reference point on this, but...

I'd say you did a good summary.

[WhiteGhost]

9 hours ago, Kishi said:

 

I don't mind at all!

Thanks for explaining! It seems my view on this is more in line with the Orthodox view, with people being responsible for their own actions. 

 

9 hours ago, Kishi said:

The concept of antifragility

Very interesting. I have always struggled with increasing what I perceived as toughness, and after reading your thoughts I think a big part of it is because I was completely ignoring the recovery bit, because "recovery is like the opposite of tough".  Only now does it make sense that it my perception of un-toughness can be accurate without detracting from the importance of it. 

[Kishi]

So, looking back at my last post, I just want to say that: basically, I use basic too much. But I'mma leave it as a reminder.

 

14 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Thanks for explaining! It seems my view on this is more in line with the Orthodox view, with people being responsible for their own actions.

 

Cool, glad I could help! If I wind up going full convert, I'll try to be open to answering other questions too.

 

14 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Very interesting. I have always struggled with increasing what I perceived as toughness, and after reading your thoughts I think a big part of it is because I was completely ignoring the recovery bit, because "recovery is like the opposite of tough".  Only now does it make sense that it my perception of un-toughness can be accurate without detracting from the importance of it.

 

Right. It's like the idea of fasting and feasting. Fasting without feasting might sound the like the tougher, more rugged way of doing it, but most people who do that generally call it starving instead and aren't doing it because they want to.

 

*

 

Monday night gaming happened! One of my friends from the old friend group that I left behind was back and we talked, and I said that with Maine Friend gone that we were going to fall apart and not see each other anymore and that shouldn't happen, and the friend was like "I agree, we should prevent that, let's get the non-toxic folk together at some point," and I was like, "Cool!"

 

Oh and also I may, uh, be co-DMing a 5e game based on a setting I did with this friend a long time ago. Given the player base this time I have no idea how this is gonna go, because this is a setting where magic is specifically forbidden, and people who do magic in this setting have essentially convinced themselves that they're doing something via placebo (so a bard does bardy magic but is convinced an effect happened because of sleight of hand or flash paper or what have you). Half the player base is here for it, and the other half is gigglingly psychotic about this concept because they see an opportunity to troll. That'll be fun; I can't help but wonder what this'll do to the co-DM as this setting is something that's near and dear to her heart as a project, and it's the closest she knows how to get to in terms of actually writing things.

 

Hahahaaaaa. All right. I'm here for it.

 

Went home and did Q&D afterward. Did the short version of it. I'm kind of annoyed that my shoulders are irksome enough right now to forego snatch testing, but what can I do?

 

One blessing of my difficulties, though, is that I've had to really dig into the cue about "packing" the shoulders, as I find this relieves a lot of the pressure I feel and really wasn't something I was doing as much as I should have. So. That's a good thing.

 

Anyway, martial chicanery and strength work tonight, with that work on a deload. Cool. Let's get it!

[Kishi]

On ‎1‎/‎28‎/‎2020 at 11:04 AM, Kishi said:

Anyway, martial chicanery and strength work tonight, with that work on a deload. Cool. Let's get it!

 

Got it.

 

Went out to the mats and worked on single-leg takedown and dealing with the guillotine. Finally, finally got to see an escape from it and, like most jiujutsu, it was actually painfully obvious when I stopped and thought about it. So much of this game is learning new and interesting ways to think about your body and your movement and opportunities, and it does things to your head. Kind of feels like kali in that way, actually.

 

Anyway, there was another dearth of white belts on the mats, so I rolled with a bunch of people who tapped me like crazy. One purple belt had pity and let me work a bit and earn my way toward a sub, but it was definitely him being nice to me and not something to brag on like when I got the blue. I'm prouder of the fact that I went for ankle locks on people and tried to grow beyond my typical upper-body ish.

 

Striking class was good afterward; lot of focus on defense and retreating well. Lots of stuff I needed to work on. Sparred well; I was actually super sharp and found a lot of holes in people's guards. Alternately, they were all having an off night. I dunno. Still need to work on being "defensively responsible" with my head because these people headhunt like crazy and they'll take the shot as soon as they see it open.

 

I'm tempted to say it's because I'm going easier on some of them and giving them more opportunities to take those shots in the first place, because it's true, but like... I'm still responsible for what I do with my hands, you know?

 

Anyway, that was class. Deloaded strength work was good. I'm struck as always by how much easier leg work is than it used to be. Good to see that's getting better.

 

Today should be a restful day. Off to scifi and food with friendos. Should be good times.

[Urgan]

5 hours ago, Kishi said:

I'm prouder of the fact that I went for ankle locks on people and tried to grow beyond my typical upper-body ish.

 

Real talk, any pin that hits the ankle/calf is just awful effective.

 

5 hours ago, Kishi said:

Still need to work on being "defensively responsible" with my head because these people headhunt like crazy and they'll take the shot as soon as they see it open.

 

I'm tempted to say it's because I'm going easier on some of them and giving them more opportunities to take those shots in the first place, because it's true, but like... I'm still responsible for what I do with my hands, you know?

 

I don't see this as a problem unless you don't realize you're going easy. It's like an exchange for purple belt letting you work from where you are.

[Kishi]

51 minutes ago, Urgan said:

Real talk, any pin that hits the ankle/calf is just awful effective.

 

Awfully effective.

 

Also something of a sore point between judo and jiujutsu as judo pretty much let that stuff go after having to sell itself as an Olympic sport.

 

52 minutes ago, Urgan said:

I don't see this as a problem unless you don't realize you're going easy. It's like an exchange for purple belt letting you work from where you are.

 

Well, I mean, it kind of is in that even with folk I'm not going easy on, they can pick the shot if they wait long enough, which they all seem to do.

[Kishi]

So Wednesday was a day. As expected, not much to report. We went hard on kielbasa and pierogi, and even though I'm still full of it today, I can't say that I regret the choice.  We've moved through more of The Expanse, and we've all concluded that Wes Chatham is goals for physical development.

 

The Sci Fi friend is holding a Super Bowl watch party on Sunday and he's gonna be cooking nachos. He's a good cook, so I'mma be there. And after I got home, I chatted with a friend of mine from a while ago and it looks like we'll be hanging out on Saturday. Family D&D should be Sunday morning, I think, and... yeah. The weekend's gonna be pretty packed, seems like. Guess I'll have to roll with it.

 

As for tonight, it looks like both teachers at the BJJ place are out on travels. So no reason not to go to the MMA place; we're cleared at the BJJ place to roll with one another and beat each other up, but nobody took up on it the last time it happened or the time before that. The only issue I can see is, I'm the one with the key to the place, so I might have the responsibility of showing up, but I reckon I can just text and be like, "Hey, unless you tell me you're coming, I'mma just head over to the other place. Alternately, why don't y'all come over to the other place?"

 

So, yeah. Some kind of shenanigans tonight.

[Kishi]

So shenanigans! They happened, though not quite to the degree I would have wanted.

 

I wound up getting caught in some bad traffic and couldn't make the grappling portion of class. Did wind up making the striking portion, though, and that involved some mixed striking and grappling, so that felt really good. Sparring was pure striking, but it was fun for that. Still feel sharp. One of them commented that he thinks I have a hole in my defense that he just can't seem to hit, and I'm like, "Well, if I can patch it in time, I guess that makes it part of my guard, dunnit?"

 

Versus finding the holes in their guards and lighting them up. I still have a lot to focus on in terms of defensive responsibility, but the sparring's felt good this week and I'm grateful.

 

It looks like the Kyokushin place is having its fight night tonight instead of tomorrow night, which is going to be an act to juggle with open mat. I also need to go pick up some gloves, but it appears that there's a MMA supply store run by a decent brand in the area, so I'll be cutting out of work a little early to go pick those up. It'll be good to break 'em in.

[Kishi]

What's this? A Friday night update? "Kishi? Are you in trouble? Do you need help? Blink once if you need help!"

 

Wha- wha, no, I just felt like updating tonight. Hope y'all cool with that.

 

So I wound up getting out of work early because I realized that I've got a hair over 6 weeks of paid leave and I haven't touched any of it. I figured I was due some, especially as I was up on all of production quotas at work. Also, as I said, I needed some 6 oz gloves. I needed them for more than just the Kyokushin folk, though; the MMA folk are talking about having us spar mixed striking and grappling at some point and I wanted some gloves that would let me have some gross articulation. And I think they're the right weight for it? Maybe a touch heavy. I dunno. I just remember back when K-sensei and I used to do mixed work, these were the gloves we used.

 

Worst case, I find out they're too heavy and I go for the lighter ones later. NBD either way. I'll get a use out of 'em either way.'

 

The store turned out to be like most martial arts endeavors here - it looks sketch as hell, but it's legit. The store was located in a warehouse out in the countryside. And when I walked in, it was all bare warehouse walls and stuff all over the place. Bags here, dummies there, a stack of boxes full of wrist wraps right in front of the door, that kind of thing. But the people running this thing were chill, friendly folk who didn't seem to be interested in putting up much in the way of appearances. They had what I needed and that was that.

 

Going out to the kyokushin place, it turned out that they were in prep mode for the tournament in March. It was relatively crowded compared to what it's been normally. Lot of kids. Lot of loudness, but also more adults than usual too.

 

Sparring them I had a pretty good night. Nobody was going as hard as they could, but the emphasis was on getting rounds rather than getting ground. So, no biggie. I still did a pretty good job intercepting and fouling a lot of their attacks, and I didn't eat as many shots as I normally do, or at least I don't feel like I did. Maybe my solo iron shirt training is working? Or maybe it's the extra shadowboxing I've been doing? Maybe it's all of the above? I dunno.

 

I went with them as long as I dared before I took off to get to the BJJ open mat. Where nobody came. Which didn't bother me as much as it probably should have.

 

Afterward, hit up some errands and decided to come home. Reflected a bit on the training schedule and decided that I wanted to move Friday night strength work to Saturday on a more regular basis. I know, I know, stuff happens on Saturdays, and I'm not always going to be training as a result, but I figured two things - one, that staying up as late as I do is contributing to some under-recovery that I really want to deal with, and two, the kinds of things that would forestall my training on Saturday are typically the kinds of things that I would be training for in the first place.

 

I figure, I make like Friday's a regular night if/when life allows, and treat Saturday like a normal weekday in terms of hours, and I might be able to get some good sleep and get more out of the strength work in a refreshed state.

 

It's just a theory, but one that I think is worth testing. At least for the next month.

[Kishi]

So, the weekend! It was the two days at the end of the week, same as it's been as long as I known about it.

 

Saturday was a good day. I woke up after a long night's sleep and got some coffee in me before getting after my training. Was pleased to discover that higher rep work was possible and a refreshing change of pace as it's meant to be. The added rest after open mat was just the ticket to make it happen; no missed lifts this time.

 

There's still going to be a logistical problem to solve in that I want to take advantage of the weekends to do paid OT because what I found was that if I wanted to sleep in and get caffeinated and get the training done, it didn't take long but the time it took was long enough to make going to the office a waste of time. I suppose it works out to wake up->go to work->come home and train, which I think will work but the wild card in this is the degree to which my friends ask me to be social.

 

To be clear, I don't really mind skipping out on weekend OT; I think it's a nice to have rather than a need to have, you know?

 

Anyway. Trained and went to hang with my friend. He was as charming as I remembered. Afterward, watched him go kill it dead in improv.

 

Sunday I got up and went to visit my folks for D&D. The game turned out relatively uneventful. Dad had to play a part for subterfuge, which I think was good for him, but there wasn't much to do beyond that. We discussed birthdays coming up. Brother's going to have hard time with anything we schedule; I actually offered to take him out to lunch for my birthday because I wanted to be generous and to see him, but he didn't react well to that idea. I suspect he probably saw in the invitation some emotional work that he didn't really want to do, which honestly kinda hurts, but I'm certainly inclined to disinvite him now because the way it's presented, I'd be depriving him of the chance to do something he actually wants to do, and that would actually hurt worse.

 

(although to be fair, I've definitely been snappish before when emotionally overworked, and he might have just been there when the invite was out. It generally hasn't meant anything beyond that when I did it, and I'm willing to be charitable).

 

So, that was the game. Sunday night was The Game. I went to visit the sci-fi buddy and it wound up being a quieter affair than we'd all planned on. He'd made a massive amount of food and was pretty salty that only a few people showed up. Can't blame him for that.

 

That was yesterday. Today is today. It's involved some emotional work on myself in terms of trying to figure out why I've been feeling so sad and lonely. It's not a romantic thing; it's more like a sense of alienation from others because I just don't see things the same way I used to, and I feel like if I tried to engage it'd result in a lot of trouble without getting me what I want.

 

It feels... heavy. Most of the time, I'm okay, but then there'll also be times when I go down certain lines of thought and suddenly I feel like I should be weeping but I can't find the tears to shed. I don't mean to worry anyone; it's pretty transitory and for all I know it's my thyroid being weird and messing with my brain chemistry. I rationally understand that I can connect with others and that I have (even recently!) and that I will again. And I think it speaks to my progress in the past year that I've not really judged myself for feeling that way, but that I've tried to understand it and not settled for it when I asked myself why and kept saying "I don't know, I don't know, I guess this is just the kind of person I am."

 

Heck, just writing it down helps me feel better about it. Neato, I have a space for that kind of thing.

 

Anyway. Today is today. Gaming and Q&D to happen.

[Mistr]

Sounds like you had a good weekend with lots of people. Which puts your emotional reaction in a different light than if you'd been a hermit. That's the kind of thing to keep notes on so you can figure out where it's coming from. Hormones can certainly cause emotional states. Take it as data rather than an accurate response to your situation.

[Urgan]

So you and your brother each had a Moment this weekend, sounds like. Maybe it's best to "forgive" the both of you and carry on. If it keeps happening, then there would be cause for concern.

[Kishi]

16 hours ago, Mistr said:

Sounds like you had a good weekend with lots of people. Which puts your emotional reaction in a different light than if you'd been a hermit. That's the kind of thing to keep notes on so you can figure out where it's coming from. Hormones can certainly cause emotional states. Take it as data rather than an accurate response to your situation.

 

Will do. That being said,

 

1 hour ago, Urgan said:

So you and your brother each had a Moment this weekend, sounds like. Maybe it's best to "forgive" the both of you and carry on. If it keeps happening, then there would be cause for concern.

 

Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but it's definitely happened before. And to put it in context, brother has a real tendency to distance himself from me and my folks, and he's very... selective in terms of whom he chooses to engage with on an emotional level.

 

It's been like that for a while. And I've interpreted that for a long time as him not wanting to have a relationship with me. Which, maybe it's that way and maybe it isn't. I've been operating as if it is that way, and if so then obviously I can't force him to have a relationship that he doesn't want to have. But it's something I've blamed myself for for a long time because I thought I was deficient or else that I'd been hurtful to him when we were growing up. I thought it was something I could repent of and it's something I've seen as a thing to fix for like 14, 15 years.

 

But, looking back over it with the perspective I've gotten in the past year, that's probably incorrect. Realistically, he and I are both doing the best we can, and sometimes that's not as much as either one of us would like of the other.

 

FWIW, I'd feel bad if inviting him out would force him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in for whatever reason. I imagine I'll have to reach out to him at some point and let him know I don't think he owes me anything.

 

*

 

Monday happened as planned, mostly kind of sort of. Half our gaming group buggered off at the last minute, so we wound up building characters for the 5e game I'll be co-DMing. And by we, I mean them, because I was studying the PHB and trying to get a sense of the mechanics. May need to "acquire" a copy of the DMG just for the sake of having a sense of the numbers I want to crunch.

 

Q&D wound up being speedwork, which is my term for when one does banded KB swings and such. Rolled the highest amount of rounds but the lowest amount of reps for that structure, and also managed to keep good control of things even with the lightest band. Kind of feels like I need to up something next time, but I'm not sure what. Maybe a heavier band?

 

Anyway. Chicanery and strength work to happen tonight. I think I'mma have to adjust my maintenance calories downward a touch because I'm working less and feeling fluffier. I don't mean to attempt a cut until the first day of spring, because that just appeals to me for reasons, but maintenance ain't the same as gaintenance.

[Urgan]

9 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but it's definitely happened before. And to put it in context, brother has a real tendency to distance himself from me and my folks, and he's very... selective in terms of whom he chooses to engage with on an emotional level.

 

It's been like that for a while. And I've interpreted that for a long time as him not wanting to have a relationship with me. Which, maybe it's that way and maybe it isn't. I've been operating as if it is that way, and if so then obviously I can't force him to have a relationship that he doesn't want to have. But it's something I've blamed myself for for a long time because I thought I was deficient or else that I'd been hurtful to him when we were growing up. I thought it was something I could repent of and it's something I've seen as a thing to fix for like 14, 15 years.

 

But, looking back over it with the perspective I've gotten in the past year, that's probably incorrect. Realistically, he and I are both doing the best we can, and sometimes that's not as much as either one of us would like of the other.

 

FWIW, I'd feel bad if inviting him out would force him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in for whatever reason. I imagine I'll have to reach out to him at some point and let him know I don't think he owes me anything.

 

I've heard of this concept of being close to (all of) your family and liking one another most/all of the time, but I've never seen it before out in the wild. You aren't the only one with weird family/sibling dynamics and honestly what you describe doesn't sound that unusual. It takes people on the receiving end of the at-best aloofness decades sometimes to figure out what's really going on. They want a close bond with someone who for whatever reason just.....doesn't. Giant shrug.

[sarakingdom]

37 minutes ago, Kishi said:

And to put it in context, brother has a real tendency to distance himself from me and my folks, and he's very... selective in terms of whom he chooses to engage with on an emotional level.

 

It's been like that for a while. And I've interpreted that for a long time as him not wanting to have a relationship with me. Which, maybe it's that way and maybe it isn't.

 

It's kind of a cliche for guys to be bad at the emotional labor of maintaining relationships, or assume that's a girl thing. (And as someone non-male who also struggles with it, it may also be simply not having had childhood friendship patterns that taught it well.) He may not even really be aware he's doing it.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

I thought it was something I could repent of and it's something I've seen as a thing to fix for like 14, 15 years.

I am so proud of you for coming to a place where you could realize this was going on and begin to move past it.

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

I've heard of this concept of being close to (all of) your family and liking one another most/all of the time, but I've never seen it before out in the wild. You aren't the only one with weird family/sibling dynamics and honestly what you describe doesn't sound that unusual. It takes people on the receiving end of the at-best aloofness decades sometimes to figure out what's really going on. They want a close bond with someone who for whatever reason just.....doesn't. Giant shrug.

 

Right. And that's not something I've ever really learned to accept, for the reasons stated. Maybe that's something I need to learn.

 

3 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

It's kind of a cliche for guys to be bad at the emotional labor of maintaining relationships, or assume that's a girl thing. (And as someone non-male who also struggles with it, it may also be simply not having had childhood friendship patterns that taught it well.) He may not even really be aware he's doing it.

 

Yeah, that could be.

[Jupiter]

7 hours ago, Kishi said:

Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but it's definitely happened before. And to put it in context, brother has a real tendency to distance himself from me and my folks, and he's very... selective in terms of whom he chooses to engage with on an emotional level.

 

It's been like that for a while. And I've interpreted that for a long time as him not wanting to have a relationship with me. Which, maybe it's that way and maybe it isn't. I've been operating as if it is that way, and if so then obviously I can't force him to have a relationship that he doesn't want to have. But it's something I've blamed myself for for a long time because I thought I was deficient or else that I'd been hurtful to him when we were growing up. I thought it was something I could repent of and it's something I've seen as a thing to fix for like 14, 15 years.

 

Maybe ask him about it? Like @sarakingdom said, he may not even be aware of it.