Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Cats! <3

[fleaball]

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

if this makes sense, I'm not like, actively worried she's going to die any minute? It's sort of just like every new thing feels like one step closer and that thought hangs out in the back of my mind even though it's not a pressing concern?

Random analogy I thought of: essentially the cancer is an affliction that drains her HP after every turn and each new issue is knocking her HP bar down a little more at a time and I worry because there's no way of knowing whether it will keep going down gradually or if the next small thing will wind up being a critical hit and cost all her remaining HP. 

[Severine]

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Random analogy I thought of: essentially the cancer is an affliction that drains her HP after every turn and each new issue is knocking her HP bar down a little more at a time and I worry because there's no way of knowing whether it will keep going down gradually or if the next small thing will wind up being a critical hit and cost all her remaining HP. 

 

That is very dorky and a great way of explaining it. I get what you mean, I think. It was kind of similar with D's dad. Like, we definitely knew he was going to die from cancer or something related to it. But we didn't know when, or which thing. So every thing that happened was scary, out of proportion to its actual severity. Because living with the uncertainty is just so stressful.

 

I don't know what to say other than it's awful and hard and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. You're doing an amazing job of handling it (it might not feel like it but trust me) and you've been there for your mum. Nobody can expect more.

[Dagger]

2 hours ago, Severine said:

 

That is very dorky and a great way of explaining it. I get what you mean, I think. It was kind of similar with D's dad. Like, we definitely knew he was going to die from cancer or something related to it. But we didn't know when, or which thing. So every thing that happened was scary, out of proportion to its actual severity. Because living with the uncertainty is just so stressful.

 

I don't know what to say other than it's awful and hard and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. You're doing an amazing job of handling it (it might not feel like it but trust me) and you've been there for your mum. Nobody can expect more.

+1

[fleaball]

11 hours ago, Severine said:

 

That is very dorky and a great way of explaining it. I get what you mean, I think. It was kind of similar with D's dad. Like, we definitely knew he was going to die from cancer or something related to it. But we didn't know when, or which thing. So every thing that happened was scary, out of proportion to its actual severity. Because living with the uncertainty is just so stressful.

 

I don't know what to say other than it's awful and hard and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. You're doing an amazing job of handling it (it might not feel like it but trust me) and you've been there for your mum. Nobody can expect more.

 

8 hours ago, Dagger said:

+1

 

<3

[fleaball]

Aaaand now there's talk of biopsying the kidney. cdsjgknseshiwahfsd enough already. 

[Severine]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Aaaand now there's talk of biopsying the kidney. cdsjgknseshiwahfsd enough already. 

 Oh FFS

 

[fleaball]

My mother is being shady. I asked how she was doing and she said good- up walking around, just had a milkshake, catheter is coming out tomorrow. 

 

Then she said she'd call tonight for a short time and I can only imagine it's because there's some other news she doesn't want to tell me via text. I said I was headed to campus to get some work done but she could call whenever (because she knows I'm usually free Monday nights) and she just said "we'll see." So I have no fucking clue what's happening. I imagine she wouldn't be up and walking around if they biopsied her kidney. 

 

Ugh. Family. It's obvious where I get all my issues from. 

[Severine]

I feel weird offering an optimistic point of view, but here goes: maybe she just wants to hear your voice? Fingers crossed, anyway.

[fleaball]

6 minutes ago, Severine said:

I feel weird offering an optimistic point of view, but here goes: maybe she just wants to hear your voice? Fingers crossed, anyway.

Valid point. But we talked on the phone yesterday and she said she wouldn't call til later in the week because she wants me to focus on my papers. If not for that I wouldn't be quite so worried right now. 

[fleaball]

Okay, she's fine. She just doesn't have any idea how to say things without worrying me. She just couldn't focus on texting earlier which is why she said she'd call. I know when you're loopy straightforward communication is hard but this is the third time in like a week that she's said something that sounded so much worse than it was. 

 

Also when she fell in the bathroom a few weeks ago? She did hit her head on the tub. My father either didn't know when he told me or just blocked it out. She had a CT scan and everything is fine. Although she said it's good that she hit her head "because it woke me up from whatever I was in." ...does that mean you passed out? Because I thought you just lost your balance. Uggggh I'm so tired of never getting the full story. 

 

She might get to have chemo later this week, which she wants to have but it also not excited about because she's exhausted. She's on a low potassium diet, which sucks because she's been having cereal with a banana and orange juice for breakfast almost every day. Catheter is already out and so long as there's no more blood she should be released tomorrow or Wednesday. Which is good. Although I'm seriously questioning graduation now. 

 

And I'm currently a little bit upset too. I was saying that I didn't go to school to run the data tonight but that it will get done no matter what and she's like "you are going to graduate right?" And I think she was trying to joke and just not getting the tone right. So we're talking about it more and she's like "as long as you have a piece of paper for me and dad that's all I want." And I'm just like, for you?? This was all me. Undergrad was all me. I've paid for all of it because cigarettes and lottery tickets were a bigger priority than college funds, I did all the applications myself, you yelled at me when I changed my major sophomore year and you still don't know what I'm doing now. What about this is for you? I mean I know there's the standard "I'm proud of my kid" (especially given that my brother's done nothing with his life) but... no? This is all me. This is all for me. And I feel kinda terrible being mad over it but even when she said it I was like "wait what?"

[NeverThatBored]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

And I feel kinda terrible being mad over it but even when she said it I was like "wait what?"

 

You're allowed to be mad. It's ok. That would totes irritate me too. 

[Severine]

Glad she wasn't calling because of bad news. Fingers crossed for the chemo. And I'm assuming if the catheter is out it means the kidney stuff is doing okay? That's great news.

 

The thing about the bathroom fall is a real headscratcher. It's like she has totally different standards for deciding what information is important and should be shared. It's one thing to decide to keep something a secret but it's so weird to like...confusingly half mention it. Some of it might be that your mum is trying to protect you from bad news, but then she says other stuff that seems kind of insensitive. So either she is trying to protect you from sadness and she's just not great at it, or she's just got a super different communication protocol going on. Honestly my feeling is that she kind of wings it when it comes to communication and doesn't think through her sentences, or her overall strategy, so she sometimes says things that you take the wrong way, and discussions fluctuate a lot one day to another.

 

Speaking of which, yeah, I can see how that comment threw you off. But it might not mean what you thought? Beware: amateur linguistic analysis incoming. When she said "as long as you have a piece of paper for me and dad that's all I want" it doesn't necessarily read as meaning that you got the degree for them in any way. The "for me and dad" in there, to me, doesn't refer to the degree being for them, but rather to you showing them the degree when you're done as a symbol of graduation. The same way there's a difference between "I ran some statistics for my boss" (i.e. my boss asked me to do it for them and I did) and "I have some statistics for my boss" (i.e. I have these stats to show to them). 

 

To me it reads more like it could mean "you're doing this thing we don't really understand and aren't involved in, but we understand that once you've got the piece of paper it's real and official."

 

Also you're allowed to be mad. Parents have a really annoying habit of criticizing the stuff their kids decide to do, and then taking credit when their kids succeed at it...

 

[fleaball]

25 minutes ago, Severine said:

Glad she wasn't calling because of bad news. Fingers crossed for the chemo. And I'm assuming if the catheter is out it means the kidney stuff is doing okay? That's great news.

 

The thing about the bathroom fall is a real headscratcher. It's like she has totally different standards for deciding what information is important and should be shared. It's one thing to decide to keep something a secret but it's so weird to like...confusingly half mention it. Some of it might be that your mum is trying to protect you from bad news, but then she says other stuff that seems kind of insensitive. So either she is trying to protect you from sadness and she's just not great at it, or she's just got a super different communication protocol going on. Honestly my feeling is that she kind of wings it when it comes to communication and doesn't think through her sentences, or her overall strategy, so she sometimes says things that you take the wrong way, and discussions fluctuate a lot one day to another.

 

Speaking of which, yeah, I can see how that comment threw you off. But it might not mean what you thought? Beware: amateur linguistic analysis incoming. When she said "as long as you have a piece of paper for me and dad that's all I want" it doesn't necessarily read as meaning that you got the degree for them in any way. The "for me and dad" in there, to me, doesn't refer to the degree being for them, but rather to you showing them the degree when you're done as a symbol of graduation. The same way there's a difference between "I ran some statistics for my boss" (i.e. my boss asked me to do it for them and I did) and "I have some statistics for my boss" (i.e. I have these stats to show to them). 

 

To me it reads more like it could mean "you're doing this thing we don't really understand and aren't involved in, but we understand that once you've got the piece of paper it's real and official."

 

Also you're allowed to be mad. Parents have a really annoying habit of criticizing the stuff their kids decide to do, and then taking credit when their kids succeed at it...

 

Yeah the kidney stone still exists afaik but as long as she doesn't start peeing blood again it's okay. That's what she's on the low potassium diet for but it's only supposed to be short term I think. 

 

Re the fall, I think she genuinely thought my father had told me everything and didn't know he told me she hadn't hit her head. Which he was 100% sure of because all he kept saying was "thank god she didn't, if she were only a few inches closer who knows what would have happened." So either he misunderstood or didn't realize at the time and just forgot to update me when he found out. He's never been super great at communication and especially when he's nervous/flustered/emotional he'll just speak in half-sentences and eventually you just give up prodding him to complete them. But yeah, my mother lives on a different planet, communication-wise. Her mother was diagnosed with and died from cancer in 2010, but she literally did not tell me until Christmas last year that the diagnosis was in May; I thought it was September when she had the surgery to deal with it. That's sort of an extreme example but yeah she sometimes cherry picks what she shares. 

 

I see what you're saying and I agree with the sentiment of it. I guess it's personal experience/history coloring my interpretation/understanding of it. She also threw in, "that's what we're coming down there for anyway. Hopefully." Which was probably not intended to be a barb of  any kind but also definitely wasn't helpful at all. 

[NeverThatBored]

40 minutes ago, Severine said:

To me it reads more like it could mean "you're doing this thing we don't really understand and aren't involved in, but we understand that once you've got the piece of paper it's real and official."

 

 

^ This seems entirely reasonable to me, 

[fleaball]

Le sigh. She was ready to be discharged today and then started bleeding again, so is still in the hospital. 

 

11 hours ago, Severine said:

To me it reads more like it could mean "you're doing this thing we don't really understand and aren't involved in, but we understand that once you've got the piece of paper it's real and official."

10 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

^ This seems entirely reasonable to me, 

 

I get it, and in someone else's place I might be inclined to say the same thing, but the way she said it was almost like she was scolding me for not having done my research paper and like, "you'd better have something to show for it since we're coming down there." 

[Severine]

Ugh, gutted to hear she's still having bleeding   Better than going home and having to go right back, I guess? Still sucks. I hope she's not in pain.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

the way she said it was almost like she was scolding me for not having done my research paper and like, "you'd better have something to show for it since we're coming down there." 

 

Honestly you're braver than me for even mentioning your issues with your paper to her. With my family I would never volunteer information about something I wasn't proud of...god knows there was enough fault finding without me making suggestions. I admire how you handle stuff like that. 

 

On the bright side you are definitely going to get this paper done, and graduate, and do everything you set out to do. Even if it's a bit of an overcrowded goat convention toward the end, the result will be exactly the same. I've never yet seen a degree with an asterisk and a line at the bottom saying "right but they kind of rushed that last paper, shame about that."

[Dagger]

3 hours ago, Severine said:

I've never yet seen a degree with an asterisk and a line at the bottom saying "right but they kind of rushed that last paper, shame about that."

My schadenfreude side found this hilarious if it ever happened. The rest of me would be horrified. Still, the wording on it is pretty funny.

[fleaball]

19 hours ago, Severine said:

I've never yet seen a degree with an asterisk and a line at the bottom saying "right but they kind of rushed all the papers, shame about that."

FTFY

 

16 hours ago, Dagger said:

My schadenfreude side found this hilarious if it ever happened. The rest of me would be horrified. Still, the wording on it is pretty funny.

Yeah. I lol'd. 

 

 

So she got discharged today. Not 100% I guess but has two appointments with her pcp in the next week for bloodwork to monitor, has to take a steroid for a week or so, and has an appointment with the renal guy a week from Friday. 

 

I wonder what the biopsy discussion was like. I know she didn't want to do it because anaesthesia fucks her up for days, but I also wonder if it they strongly thought it had spread and/or if it was a case of "we think it spread but there's no point in putting you through the procedure because it doesn't matter." 

[fleaball]

While I was crying at my mother about my upcoming root canal we were talking about my paper and she was like "so you're done with school now right? if you go for another master's i will kill you. or if you go any further than that, I will kill you." And I wasn't offended by this or anything because I totally expect someone to punch me if I decide to do this to myself again. Unless a employer will cover 100% of the costs and I'd only have to take one class at a time. But anyway. so the first thing that popped into my head was "you won't be around by then anyway so what's the point?" It's not like it's not true, but I wish I could stop thinking of things like that and just enjoy the teasing. 

[fleaball]

Y'all. I'm so terrified of this dentist appointment. Not because it's the dentist but because I'm afraid that whatever happens, I'm going to make the wrong decision. Either get two teeth pulled and regret it and have trouble eating for the rest of my life, or have a root canal on one only to find out another one needs it and I can't do that and will have wasted thousands of dollars all over again like I did with my car. 

 

I am so stressed out about this. And so scared. There are so many things happening on so many different fronts and I just can't take it. I'm so tired of all of these things piling up every time I think I've started to make progress on something. I'm tired of all kinds of illnesses and medical ailments stacking on each other, I'm tired of things happening that I don't understand so I can't question what other people are doing, I'm tired of my stupid fucking anxiety making everything into a fucking ordeal and I can't even stop it because there are so many things going wrong in my life that it's all I can do just to keep my head above water right now. I'm tired of crying all the fucking time. 

 

And I don't want to go home in two weeks. I really fucking don't. I don't want to sit around and watch my mother slowly dying. Also my family drives me up a fucking wall and I wish I could just take a week and go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I am constantly wound up when I'm there, so much tighter than usual. I don't know how to relax anymore, because even when I'm not doing work I'm not relaxing because there's always something. 

 

In conclusion, everything is terrible and I'm going to go cry myself to sleep clutching a stuffed animal and hoping I wake up in a different world. 

[Dagger]

<3 you

[NeverThatBored]

 

I'm sorry so much is shitty right now. You can get through this. 

[Sylvaa]

 

I love you and I believe in you! 

[Plazmotic]