Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

lolol so it's probably not cardiac. The resident who came in first said "my story isn't lining up with one box" (cardiac, neurological, respiratory) and asked if I'd ever seen a neurologist. Another guy who came in asked who my regular doctor is here and when I said I didn't have one he said I should find one. I said I have a PCP in Boston and I'm moving there in a week and he said I should go check in with her. Idk what that means. Like is this a chronic thing I need to be worried about? Or do you think I'm crazy and need to go bother a regular doctor and not someone in the ER? 

 

For reference, I was sitting on the couch eating mac & cheese and watching The Handmaid's Tale and my vision went weird. Like peripheral vision got darker and it felt like the room was closing in around me. Gave it time, got up to put my bowl in the sink and felt a little unsteady at the counter. Went back to chill on the couch and felt like I should go to bed early but hung out for a bit longer just because. Left arm got tingly and my upper arm felt a little tight. Spent forever deciding whether or not I needed to come in, took the shittiest Uber, now its nearly 1am. Arm is still tingly. EKG looked okay to the nurse who did it. No one seems particularly concerned about any of my symptoms so I'm guessing it's nothing critical but ugh. 

 

@Emma thanks for stopping by. I'll reply to your post later. I read it, but right now I'm not in a frame of mind to process and respond. 

[Emma]

Checking in before I go to bed. Glad you got in to see docs. All of those things you described have happened to me, although not all at once. Stress. I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks and have a tendency to take my stress out on my body.  If the docs cleared you and sent you home try not to worry about it. (Ha ha! I know, I know...) And seriously The Handmaids Tale? I haven't seen the show but I read the book and that is stressful enough on it's own, especially these days.

Good luck, virtual hugs, and lots of cute kitten pics.

[fleaball]

Apparently i may have been dehydrated and the weird vision thing may have been my blood pressure being low. Ugh. 

 

My legs feel weird but he's not concerned  about blood clots. Whee. 

 

Eta: whee is sarcastic. I am always concerned about blood clots. 

[fleaball]

4:26 am and I'm finally out. Ugh. 

[Severine]

Jesus I wish I had checked this last night.

[fleaball]

My mother looks like crap and said it was a bad day. I really hope I actually get quality time to spend with her and didn't just come home just in time. :/

[Emma]

best wishes to you.

[fleaball]

49 minutes ago, Emma said:

best wishes to you.

Thanks. I still owe you a response too, sorry. This past week has been insane

[Owlet]

Hugs! Hope everything looks and is a bit better tomorrow.  Glad you made it there (relatively) ok <3

[Plazmotic]

Glad you're home flea, lots of e-hugs!

[fleaball]

At the hospital. Mom had a fever of 103, my father called the cancer hotline thing and they said to bring her in and they'll probably need to admit her. 

 

My father asked me earlier if I think she's given up, because she's just constantly sleeping and isn't really taking care of herself and isn't trying to do what she's supposed to. I want to say no. I don't think she has. But she's never been good at taking care of herself. She's not eating or drinking much right now because everything makes her nauseous. She's not getting the minimum level of activity she needs because she's so tired. It's all a catch-22 and it sucks because what do you even do? She still talks like she's got great plans and doesn't intend to die anytime soon but I don't know if she believes it or if it's for our benefit or what. 

 

Right now I'm worried because yesterday she had a fever of 100.8 and I asked if we were supposed to call and she said no. So I feel guilty that maybe I should have insisted or said something about it. But I'm too new to the dynamic here and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing or what's normal and what isn't. 

 

And I'm going to stop now because I'm making myself cry and no one needs me crying while we're sitting in the ER. 

[fleaball]

Okay @Emma, finally getting back to you! 

 

On 6/24/2017 at 0:05 AM, Emma said:

New here.  Hi! Sorry about your problems and family issues. Been identifying with a lot of them. Difference being my dad died when I was 16, and not close to him at all. Never knew my grandparents. My mom died a couple of years ago at 93, but she was a religious fruitcake and we weren't close either. My ex's mom had a stroke and hung on for weeks. He kept going to LA to see her (8 hour drive) and it was breaking him up never knowing if it was going to be the last time.

Moving back home right now I think is a good idea. Help out your folks, ease some of your anxiety about the situation and look for a job where you want to live.

Stress can do all kinds of wonky things to one's body. And you are going through a hellacious amount of stress right now. Done a lot of them to myself.  Latest was a new heart thingy. Fortunately I have access to an EKG machine (work) and did one on myself. It read something that I forget now, but I was able to look it up online and it wasn't horribly serious and then, only then, I was able to calm down and the heart went back to normal. We human beings are such odd creatures, aren't we? Anyway, you should get it checked out just in case. You will feel better knowing one way or another. Peace of mind is a valuable thing. Best wishes to you, fleaball.

I always have mixed feelings when people say they identify with what I'm talking about. Because yay, someone knows what I'm going through! But also boo, someone else has to deal with this kind of bullshit. I'm mostly glad I came home for the reasons you pointed out, but it got stressful right off the bat, which I wasn't expecting. Laaaame.

 

Also, I am obviously not dead. But having the peace of mind is still great.

 

On 6/24/2017 at 1:18 AM, Emma said:

Checking in before I go to bed. Glad you got in to see docs. All of those things you described have happened to me, although not all at once. Stress. I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks and have a tendency to take my stress out on my body.  If the docs cleared you and sent you home try not to worry about it. (Ha ha! I know, I know...) And seriously The Handmaids Tale? I haven't seen the show but I read the book and that is stressful enough on it's own, especially these days.

Good luck, virtual hugs, and lots of cute kitten pics.

The Handmaid's Tale didn't feel that stressful to watch, I don't think. I read the book like ten years ago so maybe it wasn't bad since I knew what was coming? But yeahhhh I need to chill out on the stress levels because my body is very much not pleased with me. :\

[fleaball]

I'm fucking raging. The mysterious calls from a debt collector? Are for ALL THREE OF THEM. 

 

FOR UNPAID COPAYS AT THE DOCTOR. 

 

Well okay, my brother has one that looks like it was for a procedure because his insurance is absolute bullshit. 

 

But for my parents, all the letters I've found are $20 here, $30 there. My mother insists she pays it all the time and if she waits long enough the hospital will realize they double billed her? 

 

But my father never fucking pays attention to anything. Ever. He doesn't pay his copays half the time he goes, and he literally does not look at bills and leaves them all up to my mother.

 

Even right now as I'm going through the pile of envelopes on the coffee table dating back to last fall he's like "paying the bills hasn't really been her priority. I wonder what's there." Jesus CHRIST are you serious?! 

 

I just called and got a late fee waived on her Kohl's charge and I'm surprised they even talked to me, but okay. Not gonna complain. But I really can't make phone calls for all this other shit. Jesus. I cannot wrap my head around this at all. 

 

My mother's in the hospital another 4-5 days at least and she's still going to be exhausted for a while so god only knows when all of this will get handled. Fuck. 

 

I really think I need to have my father to open a savings account with him and me so all their money isn't under her name for creditors to come after when she dies. But I don't know how to do that because he has no idea that they don't have one and doesn't know what's in the account at all. So that might be a fight I can't handle right now. Ugh fuck. 

 

Fuck all of this. I really cannot be the only adult in this household. This is insane. Absolutely fucking insane. 

 

Someone convince my DC therapist to move to Boston. 

[NeverThatBored]

Arrrgh that's infuriating! Particularly your dad just nopeing out of any responsibility for them. Although this kind of explains your brother a little bit.

[fleaball]

Taking lots of deep breaths. So much anxiety about this, including but not limited to:

 

- my mother is going to be pissed that I went through her piles of stuff 

- I will at some point have to sit with her and make her go through all of this and it's going to be contentious and frustrating and long

- so. much. fucking. money. 

- my father is going to flip his shit when/if he finds out about this

- no but I'm seriously concerned about the state of their finances

- general stress at the thought of unpaid bills even though they're not mine

- vague wondering if I'll actually find something of mine that required action. I have found mail of mine from the past two years but luckily it wasn't anything I needed, or if it was I got my hands on it in DC somehow

 

I've checked all of their credit reports using Credit Karma and no one has anything in collections or other derogatory marks but I don't know what happens when you actually pay. My mother doesn't really need to worry about a 7-year black mark on her report, but I was thinking of having my father refinance the house or take out a HELOC or something so I worry about that. 

 

Deep breaths. I have to power through and finish this coffee table because leaving it half-finished will be worse. Ugggggh. 

[fleaball]

This is fucking cute. Washing machine drains into a sink that currently seems to be clogged. And I need to do laundry. 

 

Fuck me I should have stayed in DC. 

[Severine]

Sometimes I wonder how you ended up responsible and competent at all this stuff, given your family's influence. Were you birthed from a pod? Ruthlessly competent fairy godmother? Life skills boot camp as a teenager? Seriously though, it's amazing how you're the opposite of the rest of the family in stuff like this. Your mum is better than your dad/brother but possibly only because of the lowness of that low bar.

 

Try to breathe and take it one step at a time. Put on some music, or fire up your laptop with reruns of Supernatural or something while you sort through stuff. Make piles, make lists. Breathe and don't let panicky feelings take hold. Action is the only way forward. If your mum gets upset with you for going through her stuff it'll probably be mostly a defensive shame reaction because she'll feel bad about neglecting stuff, or embarrassed about the money situation, or whatever. You should ignore it and gently remind her that you're doing what needs to be done and that's what family does and she needs to focus on other things right now.

 

Some places don't report to credit bureaus, so that might be in their favour. And AFAIK refinancing is less impacted by bad credit scores anyway, because you already own the house, and usually the refi is being done to lower the monthly payment, so if they think you're in danger of defaulting that's actually an argument in favour of allowing the refi because it increases the chance of the person being able to continue to make payments.

 

If they have a lot of bills, there are programs for debt consolidation and freezing interest rates and stuff. Remember a few months back I helped a friend of mine, who had like $50,000 in credit card and other debts, set one of those up? It's not dead simple but there are options.

 

Regarding the savings account thing: there's a lookback period for transfers away from a debtor. So like, if a creditor shows up to get money and there's no money in her account but she made a transfer to you during the lookback period, they can go after that money. Not sure what the lookback period is here in MA and I think it differs based on the circumstances. But this is just a general heads-up that it exists so sooner might be better if you're thinking about that seriously.

 

 

[Severine]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

This is fucking cute. Washing machine drains into a sink that currently seems to be clogged. And I need to do laundry. 

 

Fuck me I should have stayed in DC. 

 

This happened to us like three months after we bought our house. Two things I learned:

 

1. Plungers work on sinks too

2. Some cities will send out a crew of city workers to help you, for free, if you have a clog in the main drain from your house out to the sewer. Not sure about where you live, but it's worth calling your water/sewer department before you call a plumber just to check.

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Sometimes I wonder how you ended up responsible and competent at all this stuff, given your family's influence. Were you birthed from a pod? Ruthlessly competent fairy godmother? Life skills boot camp as a teenager? Seriously though, it's amazing how you're the opposite of the rest of the family in stuff like this. Your mum is better than your dad/brother but possibly only because of the lowness of that low bar.

Right?! Where the fuck did it come from? The only thing I can think of is that it's anxiety-related, specifically to my thing about rules and the way things are "supposed" to be done. Not sure how valid that actually is, but yeah considering I had zero role models for proper adulting there's definitely something going on somewhere.

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Try to breathe and take it one step at a time. Put on some music, or fire up your laptop with reruns of Supernatural or something while you sort through stuff. Make piles, make lists. Breathe and don't let panicky feelings take hold. Action is the only way forward. If your mum gets upset with you for going through her stuff it'll probably be mostly a defensive shame reaction because she'll feel bad about neglecting stuff, or embarrassed about the money situation, or whatever. You should ignore it and gently remind her that you're doing what needs to be done and that's what family does and she needs to focus on other things right now.

Wound up abandoning that table in favor of dealing with the laundry and fighting with my computer to let me finish off my resume for L (the one fucking time I don't save something to Google Drive...) but yeah, classical/instrumental music happening now. I was trying to remind myself of all those things but meh. Anxiety disagreed.

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Some places don't report to credit bureaus, so that might be in their favour. And AFAIK refinancing is less impacted by bad credit scores anyway, because you already own the house, and usually the refi is being done to lower the monthly payment, so if they think you're in danger of defaulting that's actually an argument in favour of allowing the refi because it increases the chance of the person being able to continue to make payments.

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure medical debts get treated differently for some reason? I vaguely remember hearing this somewhere. I also vaguely remember the refi thing from when I worked at the bank. I think it may have actually been in the context of a home equity product, but they were telling the customer that they'd approve the thing if they used it to pay off certain debts that showed up on their credit report, but not otherwise. (I started working there in 2012 and since then have been trying to get them to get a home equity line of credit. When I started the rates were like 3%, vs the 20%+ that they were paying on the credit card. But my mother refused, mostly because I think she didn't understand it, and my father just stuck his head in the sand. Although now he's bitching and moaning about how they haven't refinanced in 15 years and even if they do it now he'll never get back the money they've paid in interest for all those years. Jesus Christ.)

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

If they have a lot of bills, there are programs for debt consolidation and freezing interest rates and stuff. Remember a few months back I helped a friend of mine, who had like $50,000 in credit card and other debts, set one of those up? It's not dead simple but there are options.

 

Regarding the savings account thing: there's a lookback period for transfers away from a debtor. So like, if a creditor shows up to get money and there's no money in her account but she made a transfer to you during the lookback period, they can go after that money. Not sure what the lookback period is here in MA and I think it differs based on the circumstances. But this is just a general heads-up that it exists so sooner might be better if you're thinking about that seriously.

There's like $7k in credit card debt, maybe $70k over 2 mortgages. It's doable. I'm mostly worried because I have no idea what the medical bills are going to look like. I have no idea what's already come in since December. She's convinced all of her cancer-related everything is 100% covered; they may have good insurance but there's no way it's that good. (Side note in which Flea is a selfish jerk: my brother and I are the beneficiaries of her life insurance policy. I have no idea how much it is, but I'm going to be really sad if we need to use it to chip in to pay off expenses rather than being able to pay down my own debts.) I know hospitals sometimes do payment plans and if I can get my hands on all the bills I'll have a better idea of what we're looking at but right now it's just all question marks. And I don't like question marks. 

 

Yeahhhh I figured it may not be the best way around. Technically all the money is my father's anyway because he's the only one with an income, but I doubt that will make a difference to anyone. For some fucking reason she's been wanting to open a savings account in her name with me on it as well, and didn't want to listen when I said that was a bad idea. Probably because in her mind there won't be any medical bills. She really has no idea what kind of a clusterfuck she's leaving behind. She refuses to do a will "because it all goes to Dad anyway." It doesn't. It fucking doesn't. And we had a hard enough time settling my grandparents' estates even though they had wills; do you really want to have us go through the circus of settling an estate without a will? I just googled and apparently Legal Zoom is a scam. Yay, there goes that option. 

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

 

This happened to us like three months after we bought our house. Two things I learned:

 

1. Plungers work on sinks too

2. Some cities will send out a crew of city workers to help you, for free, if you have a clog in the main drain from your house out to the sewer. Not sure about where you live, but it's worth calling your water/sewer department before you call a plumber just to check.

Plunger definitely helped with the initial clog. It was in the sink, not the main line or whatever it is. My father said it looked like lint? But he picked out a lot of shit with my tweezers so who knows. But I was able to get my own laundry done so thanks for that suggestion!

[fleaball]

My cat keeps kneading my boob. 

 

I feel like this needs to be brought to @Sylvaa‘s attention specifically, but I can’t tell you why. 

[Sylvaa]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

My cat keeps kneading my boob. 

 

I feel like this needs to be brought to @Sylvaa‘s attention specifically, but I can’t tell you why. 

 

Because this is exactly the kind of thing that Sylvaa enjoys! Also, because there is definitely a joke in here about you getting more action from you cat than I have since.... well, we don't need to go there!  

[fleaball]

I am anxious as hell and don’t know why. But suddenly I’m worried that driving ultimately isn't worth it and I’ll get screwed paying taxes next year. And the only insurance plan I’m eligible for that my PCP/the entire hospital system takes is $234/month. I talked to the finance coordinator guy at her office and he said that’s the only one the hospital is part of at that level. Meaning if I wanted a cheaper plan I’d not only have to switch PCPs but also hospitals. Which is a pain in the ass and I’m not sure it’s worth the savings. But I don’t have to start on the new plan til January (first payment is due in December though boo) so I have time to try to get a real fucking job. I’m so worried about getting a job all of a sudden. Like I know no one likes interviewing and shit, that goes without saying. But not only can I not find something directly related to what I want to do, I’m not seeing anything I could take in the meantime that wouldn’t make me want to jump out a window. This then becomes “I shouldn’t have gone to grad school, I wasted $100k for nothing, I’m a useless failure with no ambition or goals who will work a shitty job for the rest of my life.”

 

I have a lot more to say about this but Supernatural is about to start so hopefully it pulls me out of this funk so I can continue later. 

[Owlet]

I know nothing about American insurance/health so can't really comment sorry  As for the job stuff...

22 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I have a lot more to say about this but Supernatural is about to start

I think you already found the solution. 

 

This stuff doesn't bear thinking about, it's anxiety having a field day in your head and if you can distract away from it, I think that's probably a good idea. So long as you are still job hunting and taking what action you can, I think you're probably better off the less you let your brain dwell on the situation since it's mostly worry rather than fact (and because anxiety doesn't listen to reason, you can't just tell it that you need to find another way to stop it dragging you down)

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

I know nothing about American insurance/health so can't really comment sorry

eh, tl;dr it's shitty and complicated at the best of times, and more so when you don't have a job or don't make a lot. The rules are ridiculous and a lot of people get screwed because they don't understand it. 

 

Distracting myself with Supernatural definitely helped me get out of that mood. I might wind up making a long word vomit post later though, because while the anxiety was feeding me lies, there were legitimate worries and normal thoughts at the bottom of it that are worth exploring.

[Owlet]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

eh, tl;dr it's shitty and complicated at the best of times, and more so when you don't have a job or don't make a lot. The rules are ridiculous and a lot of people get screwed because they don't understand it. 

 

Distracting myself with Supernatural definitely helped me get out of that mood. I might wind up making a long word vomit post later though, because while the anxiety was feeding me lies, there were legitimate worries and normal thoughts at the bottom of it that are worth exploring.

BTW, totally didn't mean to be dismissive of legitimate worries, just seemed like supernatural seemed like a good option.