[Ahyar Dreamspark]

This challenge will be win/fail every day because I don't have the mental energy to calculate scores etc.

 

WIN: Not drinking any alcohol that day.

FAIL: Drinking alcohol that day.

 

Yesterday (May 6) was a win. I did start this challenge yesterday and was going to make a post last night, but then mom decided that Monday at 10 PM was a perfect time to unclutter the house so I just went to bed instead.

 

Anything else (exercise, uncluttering, cosplay progress, etc.) will be a bonus that I will 100% not be tracking, but probably writing about.

 

About the title: I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday morning and mentioned that I would be drinking zero alcohol this month and I don't want to disappoint her (these appointments are government funded, and I don't want to be wasting taxpayer money because that would also be disappointing). I also don't want to disappoint myself because I know I can do at least slightly better than the trainwreck I currently am. I've done 30-60 day long "no alcohol" challenges successfully before and, while they don't get to the root of *why* I often end up drinking daily/too much, it's certainly easier to find the Big Whys behind the problem drinking when I'm not rolling every WIS save at disadvantage due to being hungover and/or sleep deprived.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Today (May 7):

Max (6) pull-ups after breakfast, followed by 60x kettlebell swings (50lb).

Max archer push-ups (6/side) after supper, followed by max pistol squats (6 right, 5 left), followed by max bicep curls (8x22lb).

 

(Yesterday's post-breakfast exercises were the same. Post-supper was 6 left 5 right max for archer push-ups and 5 right 4 left for pistol squats, and there were no bicep curls.)

 

Also today: WIN.

 

If my posts seem short compared to what they were before, it's because I'm writing them from home where I am constantly interrupted.

[Sepherina]

Here to support you in your journey. Following!

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (May 8):

 

Post-breakfast: Max pullups (3)

Post lunch at the office: 2.5km run.

Post 1st supper: 60s kettlebell swings (50lb)

Post 2nd supper: 20 regular push-ups.

I have also hydrated spectacularly throughout the day.

 

Had no alcohol, so WIN (+3 so far).

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Today (May 9): WIN

 

Post-lunch: 60 air squats, 20 kettlebell rows/side (30lb), 20 push-ups.

Post-afternoon snack: Max pullups (5).

Post 1st supper: 1 min hollow body hold, 1 min suitcase hold/side (50lb kettlebell).

Post 2nd supper, ehh...I didn't really have a second supper? Mostly just tiny snacks and vegetables.

 

 

On 5/7/2024 at 10:15 PM, Sepherina said:

Here to support you in your journey. Following!

 

Thank you ❤️

 

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Today (May 10):

 

Post-breakfast: Max pullups (5), 60 kettlebell swings (50lb).

Post-lunch: Max lateral dumbbell raises (26), max bicep curls (10) with 22lb dumbbells, 50 leg raises.

Post-2nd supper: Max pistol squats (7 right, 6 left) followed by max archer push-ups (7/side).

 

My max pullups # has not increased  (in fact, it has only decreased) in the last few days and this is annoying. I might just stop doing them for a day or two and see if the numbers improve the next time I do them.

 

I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning because, I don't know, I guess my brain thought this would be a wonderful time to be awake? I took an ADHD pill and one coffee as I've done every day this week so far, but now the ADHD pill isn't working and I really need to get some work done. FFS. And mom keeps reminding me (while I'm trying to work) that the lawn must absolutely be mowed some time this weekend and how I have to mow it exactly in a specific manner and this conversation has already happened 3 times so far and it's only 9 AM. And now I'm being told of the 354675423 additional things that need to be done. Why do I have a feeling that this will be the opposite of a relaxing weekend?

 

I usually go hang out with some friends on Friday evenings, which can last until 11:30 or midnight, but I have a feeling I'll just show up at 9:30ish and then pass out on the couch before 10. I'm such great company.

 

-----

 

Edit: Updated the rest of the day's exercises. Aside from that, I also shaved and generally cleaned up (clipped finger and toe nails, etc.) so I still feel like shit but at least now I look like nicer shit. Today was barely productive because OneDrive is constantly acting up on my work computer and most of my actual work time was spent trying to get files to sync and ugh. I am so fucking pissed off about this because a month or so ago things were working properly and I could just drag and drop or copy and paste files from my PC to SharePoint and it would take literally one second and now nothing syncs between my computer/OneDrive and SharePoint, so I have to open the browser version and tl;dr it's so many more steps than it used to be and such a fucking waste of my time and the new IT department is generally like "well , it's fine so long as you can still upload things so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

 

I also put away some of the things I pulled out of my luggage that was still on the floor from my previous trip, and noticed that my cat left a poop smear on my bed as I put said things away, so it looks like I'll be sleeping without a comforter tonight and it's cold and I need a heavy blanket to be able to sleep so I'll probably get shit sleep again tonight and I hate everything.

 

Today: WIN. But I really wish I was like 6 drinks in right now 🙃

[Whisper]

Still early; I hope the day improves, or at least doesn't suck too bad.

 

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

On 5/10/2024 at 12:41 PM, Whisper said:

Still early; I hope the day improves, or at least doesn't suck too bad.

 

 

Thanks. The day very much didn't improve, but the ghost hugs were appreciated.

 

Saturday May 11: WIN (but that day sucked even more than Friday).

Sunday May 12: WIN.

 

I didn't do fuck-all for exercises over the weekend except take my dog on a short walk 3x/day, but IDGAF. Exercises were a bonus anyway. I did go on a 2.6Km run/walk with my dog today, though.

 

Today (May 13) will be a WIN since there is no alcohol in the house and I've just returned from the grocery store to pick up some NA beer (only 15cal/can aaaayyyy).

 

I have a bunch of shit to do and it's all paperwork-y and submitting of forms and doing the forgotten password dance and the ADHD pill is wearing off as I am typing this and ugh.

[Ranger Hal]

Nice work on the WINs! Sorry about the paperwork.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Tuesday May 14: WIN.

 

Other things I did throughout the day:

Max (6) pull-ups.

60 kettlebell swings (50lb).

Submitted claims to insurance. Will they be approved? It is a mystery!

Ran/walked 2.6Km with my dog (I'd rather run the whole time, but my dog insists on making many sudden stops to pee on things).

Cleaned up the cat litter (along with the cat poop on the basement floor) because it's garbage day tomorrow.

 

Things I should really do tomorrow:

Call my Dr's office to renew a prescription.

Start updating my delivery log book (I volunteer to do deliveries of cat food and litter for a local cat rescue org.) before it snowballs into an Impossible Task™ like last year.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

16 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Submitted claims to insurance. Will they be approved? It is a mystery!

16 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Call my Dr's office to renew a prescription.

 

For fuck's sake. Why is it that every time I undertake a no-drinking challenge, the Universe gets all hell-bent on testing me?

 

The claims all got denied because it turns out that, under our new workplace benefits plan, we've got an annual maximum of $750 for paramedical claims. You know, things like psychological, chiropractic, massage, etc. Under our previous plan, we had $750/year for each paramedical category. Super! Under this plan, we have $750/year IN TOTAL for all paramedical services. Since I had an autism assessment early this year that cost $840, I'm pretty much fucked and have to pay out of pocket for all appointments for the rest of the year. Fuck everything. And here I was looking forward to getting 80% of $477 back. NOOOOOPE!

 

I also called my doctor's office to get the prescription renewed before I run out, and the receptionist essentially said that if I wasn't about to run out RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY then I should just call back Tuesday. Okay.

 

Nothing makes my blood boil more than doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing and STILL getting absolutely nowhere 🤬 

 

 

(EDIT to add a fun fact about the autism diagnosis appointments: I was on two separate waiting lists for this, since the wait time to get diagnosed as an adult is obscenely long. The psychologist that charges $840 in total got to me first, thank goodness, because I received a message from the other psychologist about 2 months later and her fee was $1,900. For the same diagnosis. Glad I dodged that.)

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (May 15): WIN.

 

Post-lunch: 60 air squats, 20 push-ups, 1 min high plank.

Post-supper: Max (6) pullups,  60 kettlebell swings (50lb).

Washed my bed sheets and comforter because I went to lay down for a nap but nope, my cat both threw up and took a shit on my bed.

 

Also yesterday: the new parent company at work has added monitoring software on everyone's computers, which is something I have Opinions™ about. The IT person I dealt with saw just how badly my work computer was our of space. I've been trying to get the IT team to fix my OneDrive, which has not been syncing properly for weeks or months now, and made it clear that once the OneDrive problem is fixed, I'll be able to delete shit from my work computer because it will be saved on OneDrive.  But no. Instead of actually DOING ANYTHING, IT guy just tells me to either delete files or buy a large memory stick and leave it in my computer so that it runs faster. Excuse the fuck out of me? So this problem, which is clearly an IT problem, is now mine to deal with?

 

My files still won't sync, I keep getting errors due to low disk space, and this clown won't lift a fucking finger to do anything. And now everything is being monitored. Today has been an absolute shit show already.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (May 16): WIN.

 

I have followed the instructions given by the IT guy I was communicating with and now my work computer no longer works. Outlook won't open, Teams won't open, Excel won't open, and I can literally get nothing done. And this weekend is a long weekend. I have been stressing out about this so much that I've slept for less than 2 hours last night.

 

Looks like I'll be trying to get work done on my personal laptop I guess? It's against company policy, but right now I don't have any fucks to give about policy since it should also be policy for the IT team to fix shit in a timely manner.

[Whisper]

It's so damn frustrating when you're depending on someone else so that you can do your job, and they're just screwing you over!

 

Good job sticking with your wins.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

46 minutes ago, Whisper said:

It's so damn frustrating when you're depending on someone else so that you can do your job, and they're just screwing you over!

 

Good job sticking with your wins.

 

A g r e e d, and thanks.

 

Tonight will probably be the biggest test of the challenge so far, because it's both a) the start of a long weekend, and b) the Friday evening after a week from hell. The irresponsible part of me keeps trying to convince me that it's okay to take a day off from the challenge, but the ever-so-slightly-more-responsible part of me keeps thinking "Noooo, cannot disappoint! Think of the unwritten weight loss goals also!"

 

Ugh, upon thinking about the unwritten weight loss goals I went upstairs to weigh myself so I could tell myself "See? Results!" but no, I have lost all of zero pounds so far 🙄

 

Maybe I'll go on an anger-fueled bike ride tonight instead of to the liquor store. And then if I still want to be less conscious after that I'll go to the weed store and get some edibles or something instead of alcohol.

 

Today so far:

Max (5) pullups.

Max pistol squats (7 right, 6 left).

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Update: I went on a nice walk downtown to renew my driver's license, and to pick up the comics that has been piling up in my account/box at the comic shop. On the way back home I stopped by the weed store instead of the liquor store. This is like three WINs in one walk, four if you count the walk itself.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Friday: WIN

Saturday, Sunday, Monday: FAIL

 

Oooop. Last week was a week from hell and some Wisdom saves were made at disadvantage when it came to drinking wine 😕 But I'm back on the WIN wagon for now, at least until either June 4 (my birthday) or June 7 and/or 8 (local-ish comic con).

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (May 21) was indeed a WIN.

 

It has dawned on me that the next convention I'm going to is in less than 17 days, so I should probably work on my cosplay in the near future. I'll just make it a goal to add one (1) piece to my current costume and call it a win if I can get that done.

 

Today:

60 air squats, 20 push-ups, 1 min high plank after lunch.

2.5Km run after lunch.

 

Misc. goals for tonight the rest of this week that I may or may not get to:

Put away the cloak that's been sitting on my desk ever since I got back from the last con I went to.

Put away one of the wigs that has also been sitting in a pile since I got back from the last con I went to.

Hang up the picture frame that I've been meaning to hang up for, uhh...8 years now?

Put away (bonus: and organize) my comics.

 

Cosplay goal for tonight the rest of this week:

Draw the lines on the arm band that I need to make next.

Add puff paint on the aforementioned lines.

Heat shape and glue the arm band into an actual arm band.

Add the shiny red rhinestone to the arm band.

Paint the arm band.

Figure out how to attach the arm band so that it defies gravity and "floats" under the other, larger armband that is supposed to be on top of it.

[Ranger Hal]

I love seeing your cosplay work photos! I hope you will share some this time.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

On 5/22/2024 at 11:38 PM, Ranger Hal said:

I love seeing your cosplay work photos! I hope you will share some this time.

 

Thanks! I'll share photos of whatever I end up making, but this may not be much lol.

 

Yesterday (May 22): WIN.

 

Today so far:

Max pull-ups (6) after lunch.

Max pistol squats (7 right, 6 left) after lunch.

UPDATE: 20.8Km bike ride after supper.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (May 23): WIN.

 

Today so far:

Max pull-ups (5) after 2nd breakfast.

60x kettlebell swings (50lb) after 1st supper.

 

Also , I took the armband piece that I wanted to work on out of the plastic bin it was stored in, so now it's harder to ignore since it's in my face all the time, I might even have an outline for the details before the weekend is over!

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Might as well continue updating this thread, even though it should probably be renamed to Ahyar Dreamspark Does Definitely Disappoint.

 

Friday May 24: WIN.

Saturday May 25: FAIL.

Sunday May 26: FAIL.

Monday May 27: FAIL.

Tuesday May 28: FAIL.

 

As usual, a major meltdown happened on Saturday (over something trivial) and then I just stopped giving a fuck about anything and everything. Mini workouts have happened here and there, but I didn't bother recording what was done or when and I don't really care anymore at this point. I'll still try to not get wasted daily for the rest of the challenge but will have to think of different reasons for the why.

 

I originally wanted to avoid disappointing my counselor, and also to avoid disappointing the taxpayers funding my appointments with said counselor. At the last appointment (May 21 I think?) I was happy to report that I had a 12-day streak of not having any alcohol, even though I messed up and did get drunk for 3 consecutive days during the long weekend. But these things happen. She was happy to hear this, even though I was sure to mention that it probably only temporary since the "why" wasn't there and I was relying solely on willpower. Then we talked about thought records and did a thought record worksheet (which I am HORRIBLE at doing because I am incredibly unskilled at dealing with thoughts and emotions) and...Now I have to do the thought record worksheets on my own, and it was implied that I cannot book another appointment until I've completed some thought record worksheets on my own. How many do I need to complete? Who knows! Am I completing them correctly? Who knows! All I do know is that now I'm being a disappointment by being too slow at completing the thought record worksheets. Fuck everything.

 

The tl;dr of it is that I had a temporary "why" for not drunkenly tuning out of life daily at the start of this challenge and now the rules have changed, and this "why" no longer works.

 

This "why" (not wanting to disappoint my counselor) is actually working against me now because the thought records are...kind of re-traumatizing? 😕 I filled out one of the worksheets--or at least answered the questions from the worksheet in an email draft--about Saturday's meltdown and pretty much went to the exact same emotional place I was at when the meltdown happened. And then I started a second email thought record about the frequent self-depreciating thought(s) I have when I'm at work and I need my brain to just DO THE THINGS but my brain refuses to do the things, and that worksheet was almost as depressing. (It's also depressing how it takes me hours to complete these damn things when it shouldn't take anywhere near that long, and this reminds me of every time in my life where I was slower than everyone else at completing tasks.)

 

The depressing/distressing part of the thought records is mostly the section where I have to list things that do not support my shitty thoughts and I legitimately cannot come up with anything. I cannot deal with any kind of adversity in a productive way. I have never been able to. I literally cannot recall a time when I did. I have always had meltdowns of varying severity over the stupidest and most trivial of reasons. I practically lose the ability to communicate the moment the slightest stressor happens. The only reason I'm not homeless or dead by now is luck: I rolled reasonably high at Class Lottery during character creation and was fairly well supported (financially at least) by my parents while growing up, and I still am even though dad passed away 4 years ago.

 

More mental health bullshit under the cut that I'll probably send to my therapist(s) later:

Spoiler

I'm pretty sure that some shitty values I've internalized while growing up are a large part of why I've been miserable as fuck for the last several years, even if I've got almost everything one could possibly want in life. I don't want this to turn into a whole "blame my parents for everything" tirade because I'm pretty sure they tried their best with what was available in the 80s and 90s but some things and topics could really have been handled better. This past Sunday was exactly 4 years since dad's passing so naturally that was on my mind on top of everything else--reminiscing, mostly. Dad had been a hard worker despite having a bit of a rough start in life, and he saved up a lot of money. Unfortunately, he didn't get to spend most of it, just like how his mother had saved money all her life and also didn't get to spend most of it. I'm worried that I'm falling into the same "save money all your life only to get cancer and die" trap, but that's not the point of this discussion. I mentioned shitty values earlier. Dad was always adamant that people should be productive and, while I do think it's a positive thing for people to have a good work ethic and to want to contribute to society in general, dad took this view a bit too far. Things like calling people who didn't work "parasites" and making comments to me and mom along the lines of "if I ever end up like that, I want one of you to shoot me" referring to a news report about someone who was in an accident or w/e and ended up severely disabled (this was before medical assistance in dying was legalized, of course--and medical assistance in dying was how dad passed 4 years ago when there was truly no hope remaining of beating cancer.) Mom also made frequent negative comments about disabled people like "oh, it's so awful/sad/difficult that they're like that" if someone had an obvious physical disability, or "how awful/sad/difficult must it be to have a kid like that" when seeing other people who were with a kid who displayed an obvious mental disability. And I can't forget the "we did try for a second child, but I was almost 40 and the odds of having a retarded child are higher when you're 40 or older" comment that was made a few times. All of this to say that I grew up in a spectacularly ableist environment. Your worth is what you produce. Your worth is your GPA. If you're homeless or poor or in debt, it's all your fault because you didn't work hard enough or did something wrong. No handouts allowed!

 

No handouts from the government, that is. Handouts from my parents were acceptable, like being allowed to live at home for free, and generally being materially/financially well looked after by my parents. I didn't have to worry about cooking meals or grocery shopping or any of life's chores when I was going through university. My life was literally on easy mode for many years and somehow, I still had a hard time managing things. I have access to two vehicles right now and have worked for none of this. I live rent-free (with mom) in a house that is already paid and have worked for none of this. Mom fell behind on some of the house upkeep while she was taking care of dad in his final years, and it doesn't help that she fractured her hip in 2018 (I've offered to help wherever I could, but it wasn't enough to catch up on the cleaning/uncluttering etc.) Most of my recurring shitty thoughts are along the lines of "I'm always too slow" and "I probably can't make it on my own" and "I always lose my shit over the stupidest things", and getting diagnosed with both ADHD and Autism in the past few years provides reasons for some of these, ehh, limitations, but I'm also seeing no improvements even with therapy and now I'm starting to realize the true extent of my mental disabilities and...yeah. I don't handle life's basic tasks very well if they aren't all done for me. The more life happens, the more I realize how ill equipped I am to deal with things. I grew up in an extremely ableist environment and internalized this extremely ableist mindset and LOL SURPRISE it turns out that I'm disabled! And on most days, I don't feel like I'm productive enough or accomplish enough to deserve to exist.

 

I'm not sure if I drink to avoid thinking about this, or to slowly but intentionally kill myself. Probably both.

 

Well, that sure was a cheerful interlude!

 

For the next temporary "why" I'll probably just focus on losing 2 more pounds before June 7, which is when the next convention starts. Booze bad for weight loss!

 

As for my cosplay, I started working on the armband I mentioned in a previous post, but then had to stop because my tube of E6000 glue solidified. Again. I fucking swear, this happens every year. Of course, I discovered this exactly 3 minutes after the stores closed and then did not have the energy to leave the house for the next 2 days to go buy more, but I'll stop by the craft store on my way home from work tonight.

 

I may post another update later today, who knows. I don't.