Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Owlet]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Anyway. So my therapist totally approves of @Sylvaa's challenges and actually asked me to send them to her to use with other people. We talked about why my immediate reaction was "lol nope" and the conclusion is kind of hard to articulate, but basically breaking down the negative things I think about myself and realizing that I can do things (some of the later prompts are "something you're proud of," "something you've done right," "wear something that makes you feel sexy" which, ha) and essentially shattering the narrative I've been living so far means I have to face that there are possibilities for me - jobs to apply to that I'd otherwise tell myself I'm not qualified for or just can't do, closer relationships (romantic and otherwise) because I actually am worthy of love, etc. And that shit is scary. 

This is so great  All these posts are really inspiring, and damn that is a good reason to have scars! I can't really think of a better reason since normally scars are from unfortunate accidents. You know it's funny, I think a surprisingly large proportion of people have negative thought patterns and beliefs like these, to varying degrees, but everyone else always seems so confident and like they've totally got their shit together, it's easy to forget you're not alone. I've had friends who were surprised and almost indignant when I confessed some of my own issues with confidence etc. They were so sure what they saw from the outside was the whole picture that they didn't want to hear what it was like inside my head - it didn't match up with their idea of me therefore it must be incorrect lol. But talking about it is key, and the more people that open up about this stuff the more we can understand it and help our fellow humans  I think that was a long-winded way of saying thank you lol. Thanks for daring to be open about stuff that makes you feel vulnerable, cause it helps the rest of us realise that maybe the stuff in our own heads isn't true and doesn't have to hold us back. 

[Sylvaa]

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

omg! They can do that?  O_O

 

 

Well, this was in the 80's, so I don't know if they still do / would recommend it. I don't even have a scar to show for it either!

 

As a side note, I was 3 or 4 when this happened, but I do have a vivid memory of one of the stitches coming out while eating PacMan cereal.

[Lara]

46 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I do have a vivid memory of one of the stitches coming out while eating PacMan cereal

 

I see nightmares coming tonight for me

[Sylvaa]

18 minutes ago, zenLara said:

 

I see nightmares coming tonight for me

 

Between this and the cookie picture I am not your friend today!  

[Lara]

14 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Between this and the cookie picture I am not your friend today!  

 

I don't know if I will ever forgive you for that picture.

[Jarric]

Wow, so much going on! This thread has got full page longer in the time it took me to read it!

 

Anyway, love your self-love (pun slightly intended ). I may have to give it a go one day, it's really inspiring to see people on here looking facing up to honest questions about yourself. And the pictures, you look great in the first one, and I seriously didn't notice the scars in the second at first glance.

 

Also glad you're giving the shelter a go, hopefully you'll find it fulfilling .

 

And for what it's worth think you definitely made the right decision holding back the running; pain is there to let you know when you've pushed yourself hard enough!

 

[Briniel]

I honestly didn't even notice the scar until you pointed it out. I thought the picture was about that small spot on the right.

And because I don't know what else to write I'll just send lots of internet hugs your way. Or internet high-fives, if you're more comfortable with that

[Severine]

Everyone's right about the scar being hard to notice, but honestly I think having those scars is pretty badass and fantastic. It's like a badge that says you made the choice to take control of your body and also shows that you've gone through stuff, and healed, and generally are a person with a history and a story. And that's more interesting than airbrushed perfection. I'm happy you were able to get the reduction surgery covered and that it turned out so positively!! Breasts are great and all, but they really get in the way sometimes, and make physical activities less pleasant and comfortable. Sometimes I wish for retractable breasts, and I'm only a 38DD. 

 

Your therapist sounds pretty cool, by the way.

 

Also, when you said in your post:

            I have exactly zero fucks available

It reminded me of one of my favourite internet memes:

 

Tapestry meme!

 

[fleaball]

12 hours ago, Owlet said:

This is so great  All these posts are really inspiring, and damn that is a good reason to have scars! I can't really think of a better reason since normally scars are from unfortunate accidents. You know it's funny, I think a surprisingly large proportion of people have negative thought patterns and beliefs like these, to varying degrees, but everyone else always seems so confident and like they've totally got their shit together, it's easy to forget you're not alone. I've had friends who were surprised and almost indignant when I confessed some of my own issues with confidence etc. They were so sure what they saw from the outside was the whole picture that they didn't want to hear what it was like inside my head - it didn't match up with their idea of me therefore it must be incorrect lol. But talking about it is key, and the more people that open up about this stuff the more we can understand it and help our fellow humans  I think that was a long-winded way of saying thank you lol. Thanks for daring to be open about stuff that makes you feel vulnerable, cause it helps the rest of us realise that maybe the stuff in our own heads isn't true and doesn't have to hold us back. 

I totally wrote something similar on Sylvaa's thread a few days ago lol. It's so easy to forget that we all (think we) are fucked up, and seeing someone else's issues definitely helps. 

 

8 hours ago, Jarric said:

Wow, so much going on! This thread has got full page longer in the time it took me to read it!

 

Anyway, love your self-love (pun slightly intended ). I may have to give it a go one day, it's really inspiring to see people on here looking facing up to honest questions about yourself. And the pictures, you look great in the first one, and I seriously didn't notice the scars in the second at first glance.

 

Also glad you're giving the shelter a go, hopefully you'll find it fulfilling .

 

And for what it's worth think you definitely made the right decision holding back the running; pain is there to let you know when you've pushed yourself hard enough!

 

Just be grateful I'm not in school rn, you would have missed several pages of random bitching about papers. =P 

 

Do it. Doooo it. I'm actually enjoying it in a bizarre sort of masochistic way. And thanks.

 

4 hours ago, Briniel said:

I honestly didn't even notice the scar until you pointed it out. I thought the picture was about that small spot on the right.

And because I don't know what else to write I'll just send lots of internet hugs your way. Or internet high-fives, if you're more comfortable with that

Hugs and high fives are both acceptable!

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Everyone's right about the scar being hard to notice, but honestly I think having those scars is pretty badass and fantastic. It's like a badge that says you made the choice to take control of your body and also shows that you've gone through stuff, and healed, and generally are a person with a history and a story. And that's more interesting than airbrushed perfection. I'm happy you were able to get the reduction surgery covered and that it turned out so positively!! Breasts are great and all, but they really get in the way sometimes, and make physical activities less pleasant and comfortable. Sometimes I wish for retractable breasts, and I'm only a 38DD. 

 

Your therapist sounds pretty cool, by the way.

 

Also, when you said in your post:

            I have exactly zero fucks available

It reminded me of one of my favourite internet memes:

 

Tapestry meme!

 

Sometimes I think, "boobs are great on other people, but I'm kinda tired of mine." 

 

My therapist is amazing. i'm so happy I lucked into getting her haha. And that is a super awesome meme. Thanks for sharing!

 

This was meant to be a longer post but I have to go work out out of spite, because a friend that I have a wonky relationship with was working out while we were texting and has apparently lost 14 pounds in 7 weeks since starting Weight Watchers and I am bitter and extremely spiteful. So. I'll be back later. 

[athousandwords]

6 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I totally wrote something similar on Sylvaa's thread a few days ago lol. It's so easy to forget that we all (think we) are fucked up, and seeing someone else's issues definitely helps. 

 

Yes, this. I know it's cliche, but it's that whole: don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel. It's easy to forget that even people who look like they have it all together struggle (...probably with imposter syndrome).

 

8 minutes ago, fleaball said:

This was meant to be a longer post but I have to go work out out of spite, because a friend that I have a wonky relationship with was working out while we were texting and has apparently lost 14 pounds in 7 weeks since starting Weight Watchers and I am bitter and extremely spiteful. So. I'll be back later. 

 

Somewhere I'm sure there's a list of 101 Reasons to Work Out and 'spite' is probably on it.  At least you're having a positive reaction and not running to the peanut butter jar with a spoon. Enjoy your workout!

[petefeet]

18 minutes ago, fleaball said:

 

 

This was meant to be a longer post but I have to go work out out of spite, because a friend that I have a wonky relationship with was working out while we were texting and has apparently lost 14 pounds in 7 weeks since starting Weight Watchers and I am bitter and extremely spiteful. So. I'll be back later. 

 

"Spite", the universal motivator!!! 

[fleaball]

So I wouldn't say I'm competitive at this point, but in the past week 2 of 4 workouts have followed Sylvaa calling me out and this other girl saying she was working out. I should explore this more and figure out how to harness whatever motivation is lurking there. But some other time, when it's not 11pm and I'm tired and grouchy. I want to shower but there was a severe thunderstorm warning from before I finished my workout until 20 minutes ago, but there's still some crazy lightning happening so nope. Also I had to shut my bedroom window because the rain was coming in, and there's an uncovered outlet right underneath it. :\ Who puts outlets in the floor anyway? So grouchy. Despite feeling better as a result of the workout. I improvised a bit because of course my roommate came home but meh. Shit's done. It felt easier than last time, despite the two weeks in between, so that's a good thing. 

 

 Challenge tiem. 

Spoiler

•  
• Don't eat sugar except for fruit
  • Done. Totally forgot I had grapes in the fridge so that was an unexpected treat, snack-wise.
• Share something beautiful.
  • I could be a cheeseball and share another picture of myself, but I don't really have another that I like enough to share. Not one that isn't several years old anyway.
  • Fuck it. brb
  • Totally got lost on Facebook for half an hour, shit. Anyway, have this ridiculousness from December 2010. I think I was ~160 at that point? Maybe 170?
  • 
  • This was not what I was actually going to do. But I wasn't actually sure what it was going to be, and reluctantly settled on like, the video below and/or a picture I took of a beach in Turkey. And then this happened. I don't even know.
  • No, I did not make the dress. A friend did. I did have these obnoxious strappy shoes that were lime green and had like 4" heels that I got for $5 at Salvation Army (before I knew how much they sucked ugh) and it was hilarous.

 

I was going to share this for the challenge instead (especially because it's not me) but I got really annoyed trying to format the bullet points so here, have this instead.

 

 

That's not the entire song but jesus can they release this version as a single or something? Holy shit. I've been listening to it on YouTube all day. There's just something about it, I don't know. Especially because the lyrics of the first 30 seconds of it keep like, calling to something in me? Like I pay special attention. Even when I have the show soundtrack playing but don't register it as more than background noise, I always seem to be aware when this part comes on. And then my brain was like "nah you can't be attached to that because it doesn't describe you." And hey brain, fuck you. I can totally work on it and get to that place, so take a seat. Thanks. 

 

...I had a point. I swear I had a point. 

 

Anyway. Bonus for doing these challenges: I think there's some kind of positive feedback loop between this and therapy. I know it's only been a week but like, I was excited when I was telling my therapist about it. And part of me is grudgingly (because it's still scary) excited about the days to come (maybe not tomorrow because it's 'share a secret' and I don't have an idea yet) and I'm excited because I really feel like it's already had a positive impact on me? (I feel like I've said that like every day. Stop me.) But like, when I was telling my therapist about the thing with my grandparents... it was a thing I've wanted to bring up for a while but couldn't figure out how, because I wasn't in a place where I could say "hey so I feel guilty for not talking to my grandmother more while she was sick and also I feel like I was cheated out of being able to say a proper goodbye. Let's unpack that." But a.) talking about it here made it easier, I think, because even though I'm closer to y'all than I am her it's still harder to say something face to face, and b.) it gave me the opening I needed. I got to talk about talking about it, basically, (and be proud of myself for doing so, hey!) and that gave me the back door opening to bring it up, essentially. Like if I casually mention "I feel guilty about this" while talking about something else, of course she's going to pick up on that. But I still didn't start the conversation so I tricked myself into being okay with it, I think. And even before that when we were talking about why I initally nope'd out of doing the challenges as soon as I saw them, like when the fuck would I actually think about why it's so hard to be positive about myself? Because if you asked me before I'd've said yeah there are things I want to work on or things I could do better, but that I don't really have a negative view of myself. Or that these love yourself things are for people who really need them/who are worse of than I am (don't ask what I even mean by that, I think it's just an empty phrase to distance myself and use as an excuse?). And yet here I am rambling like every night about it.

 

I'mma cut myself off there. So I may be two months behind following through on that 3am rant in April but apparently there were a few more steps I need to take to get between there and here. And I'm okay with that. 

[NeverThatBored]

I'm excited that you're excited!

 

Also, I think you'll like this:

 

[athousandwords]

I love that you decided to share a picture of yourself for the 'something beautiful' challenge. It's just something that wouldn't occur to most of us, so it's lovely. And you're lovely. And that dress is amazing.

 

++ For the Hamilton videos!  "Wait for It" is my favorite song on the soundtrack - I was actually singing it on repeat on my way home from work yesterday. God, that a capella cover was amazing. Leslie Odom jr's voice is like silk.  And that Musicality cover is sooo good too.  

 

And FWIW, I think "I am the one thing in life I can control" describes you perfectly, as well being inimitable. That part always speaks to me too, mostly, "I am not falling behind or running late / I'm not standing still, I'm lying in wait".  I repeat that to myself often since hearing it, whenever I feel like I'm not making progress fast enough.

[Severine]

That song always gives me chills! Some kind of deep-down tingling feeling, like the notes and rhythm and harmonies are pushing buttons that remind me how beautiful and unpredictable and chaotic life is. Each note feels like a tiny universe containing a million stories that I don't know but can somehow feel the vitality of. That's one of the things I love about musicals, actually: it's an area of music where an over-the-top explosive vocal showpiece is considered a good thing, and where a little cheesiness doesn't dissuade people from making fiery emotional anthems.

 

Music has really strong influences on my emotions and I'm really grateful for it. Being able to listen to a certain song and instantly experience a very strong rush of feeling without anything tangible happening is pretty fucking magic.

 

On another note, that picture is really pretty! You have really great shoulders/collarbone. And you could safely jog in that dress at night  

 

The feedback loop between the challenge and therapy makes complete sense. First off, you're basically doing homework in the self-awareness arena, so it makes sense that progress would be faster. Sifting through your thoughts is a good way to figure out what needs attention during therapy, and plus you're getting some positive reinforcement, I hope, from posting stuff on here and (a) having us all point out that you're great and (b) seeing how familiar and understandable all your own struggles are for everyone else.

 

I'm looking forward to the secret!

 

[Severine]

 

Where did everybody go?  

[fleaball]

10 hours ago, Severine said:

 

Where did everybody go?  

I disappeared on my more or less monthly "ugh I feel like crap and don't want to do anything. I wonder wh- oh. I'm bleeding." Catches me off guard every damn time. I totally thought I posted on Friday but apparently never hit submit because it was sitting here waiting for me still. Good job, Flea. 

 

On 6/17/2016 at 10:09 AM, athousandwords said:

I love that you decided to share a picture of yourself for the 'something beautiful' challenge. It's just something that wouldn't occur to most of us, so it's lovely. And you're lovely. And that dress is amazing.

 

++ For the Hamilton videos!  "Wait for It" is my favorite song on the soundtrack - I was actually singing it on repeat on my way home from work yesterday. God, that a capella cover was amazing. Leslie Odom jr's voice is like silk.  And that Musicality cover is sooo good too.  

 

And FWIW, I think "I am the one thing in life I can control" describes you perfectly, as well being inimitable. That part always speaks to me too, mostly, "I am not falling behind or running late / I'm not standing still, I'm lying in wait".  I repeat that to myself often since hearing it, whenever I feel like I'm not making progress fast enough.

Haha I was totally joking the whole time, and then when I wrote it I changed my mind and decided to follow through. So weird. lol thank you

 

Yessss definitely my favorite as well. And he's incredible. And nooooo I just saw on twitter than he's leaving the show in July. Womp. 

 

Aww, thanks. I feel like I'm not living up to it, so to speak. But I'll get there. I feel the same as you about the lying in wait part. We've got time. 

 

On 6/17/2016 at 5:14 PM, Severine said:

That song always gives me chills! Some kind of deep-down tingling feeling, like the notes and rhythm and harmonies are pushing buttons that remind me how beautiful and unpredictable and chaotic life is. Each note feels like a tiny universe containing a million stories that I don't know but can somehow feel the vitality of. That's one of the things I love about musicals, actually: it's an area of music where an over-the-top explosive vocal showpiece is considered a good thing, and where a little cheesiness doesn't dissuade people from making fiery emotional anthems.

 

Music has really strong influences on my emotions and I'm really grateful for it. Being able to listen to a certain song and instantly experience a very strong rush of feeling without anything tangible happening is pretty fucking magic.

 

On another note, that picture is really pretty! You have really great shoulders/collarbone. And you could safely jog in that dress at night  

 

The feedback loop between the challenge and therapy makes complete sense. First off, you're basically doing homework in the self-awareness arena, so it makes sense that progress would be faster. Sifting through your thoughts is a good way to figure out what needs attention during therapy, and plus you're getting some positive reinforcement, I hope, from posting stuff on here and (a) having us all point out that you're great and (b) seeing how familiar and understandable all your own struggles are for everyone else.

 

I'm looking forward to the secret!

 

Wow. That was a poetic description and I'm kind of in awe. But fuck yeah music and musicals. One of the challenge prompts that's a few days away is "something that feeds your soul" and almost as soon as I saw it I knew I'd be posting a song. Now I just have to figure out which lol.

 

Also, dude. I haven't spent time really picking apart my appearance in a long time because of general "bleh I'm fat and out of shape why add to the misery" but one of the things that always popped out at me before was that I feel like my shoulders are way too broad. So it's really bizarre and kind of awesome that you said that. Thanks! And god the thought of jogging in that is terrifying. I was so fucking pleased with that dress (my friend made it, not me) but it was like, the most uncomfortable thing ever. And duct tape like, expands or stretches or something when it gets warm. So when I put the thing on it was fairly snug but it got looser as the night went on and I kept having to pull it up. 

 

You're absolutely right on both points. I think another reason I was reluctant to do these challenges and actually post them where people could was that I was worried about looking like I was bragging, or fishing for compliments, or some other kind of feed-my-ego thing. But now that I'm doing it I don't really feel that way, and it definitely doesn't feel like anyone else is seeing it that way either. I'm learning to shut up and listen when y'all point out my greatness.  

 

Challenge time

 

Day 10 (6.17)

Spoiler

• Identify your largest source of stress and analyze it - what can you do to reduce it?
  • Shocker, having an anxiety disorder is incredibly stressful. One of my big issues is avoiding things I need to do because they're scary and anxiety-inducing, and then it snowballs because I get more stressed about not having done the thing, so I put it off more because it's scarier, and then there's less time to do it in, etc. Job applications, school papers, sometimes just sending or replying to emails. To reduce it, I can do one scary thing every day. Power through and cross off one thing I've been putting off. 
• Share a secret
  • 
  • Okay not quite. Um. I punched Goofy in the face at Disney World when I was 6? (He pointed to his nose, wanting a kiss, and I don't know how or why I misunderstood and thought he wanted me to hit him, but I did.)
  • This was actually really hard? I feel like I'm really open on here and the "obvious" secrets are things y'all already know. (Eg being bi, not having dated before, etc.)

 

Day 11 (6.18)

Spoiler

• Pull out your favorite outfit and rock it all day
  • Not done, sorry. I don't actually have a favorite outfit because I haven't gone clothes shopping in forever and what I do have doesn't really fit well. Womp. 
• Share a smile
  • 
  • These are our "excited faces" waiting to see the 3rd Twilight movie in Jordan. (July 2010) I'm in the middle, obviously. (Why do I keep pulling pictures from Facebook? Idk. The alternative for this prompt would have been googling for bad jokes or cute kitten gifs or something so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

 

Day 12 (6.19)

Spoiler

• Meditate for at least ten minutes. Focus on deep breathing and let go of negativity.
  • Will do it as soon as I post this. Changing the track I'm doing on Headspace because I realized I really hate one of the visualizations they use and never want to do it, so I'm just going to avoid those ones from now on.
• Share a flaw
  • I haaaaate emotions. Not just my own, but other people's too. As in I don't know how to deal with them. Ironically I think part of the problem isn't that I don't care, but that I care too much on some level. Like when other people are crying or upset about something I'm shit at comforting them; I like, freeze up because I feel so bad that they're upset? And I essentially wind up patting them on the shoulder like "there there, it'll be okay." Which is dumb. Also with the animal shelter thing, the best thing to do would obviously be to power through and volunteer because I'd be helping the animals and also the people who actually take care of them but instead my first reaction was "I caaaaaaaaaaaaaan't." (Same reason I will never be able to volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter because I just cannot handle people suffering.) This is a long rambling answer wow. I'm thinking about how to rephrase it because I don't even think I'm explaining myself well. I guess the main point is that I am shit at dealing with emotions? But that's sort of less a flaw than it is something to work on? Idk. 

 

 

[NeverThatBored]

That's a great picture! You have a great smile/excited face. 

[Lara]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

I punched Goofy in the face at Disney World when I was 6?

 

That is not a secret, we already know! (remember that adventurers true-false mini some challenges ago?)

Now, we need another secret. Something obscure, like letting us know that you lick the marmalade knife

 

Great picture!

[Owlet]

Aw, lovely picture! Come to New Zealand so we can hang out and make excited faces haha. 

 

How did the meditation go? I've never tried guided meditation but I can imagine getting pretty ragey - I can't even handle most audio books, for some reason I'm fussy about voices, let alone visualisations. That said I daydream a lot while I meditate, could probably do with some guidance lol.

 

That's interesting what you said about emotions, like you can't filter what other people feel so you feel it too. But hey, a pat on the shoulder and a 'there there' is still comforting! That's essentially what my boyfriend does and to be honest it's pretty nice. Just knowing someone is there and they are listening and obviously care, even if they don't say so. Often as not you just need someone to listen, no need for solutions or wise words or whatever else a 'master-comforter' might offer. That said, if you can work out how to deal with emotions so they don't stop you doing things you want to do, like volunteer, then hurrah! Go forth and work on emotional shit! 

[athousandwords]

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

This was actually really hard? I feel like I'm really open on here and the "obvious" secrets are things y'all already know. (Eg being bi, not having dated before, etc.)

 

Yeah I tend to be way more open with people I don't know than people I know in real life. Like I'm totally cool telling everyone on NF that we're trying to have a baby, but I haven't told any of my RL friends or family. It's weird, because it's not like it's anonymous (we're friends on FB!) but more that I know you guys won't judge. And when I'm already sharing things like my weight and eating habits, it just feels weird not to share anything else.

 

But zenLaura is right - we need a juicier secret!  Something like your favorite guilty pleasure movie!

[fleaball]

8 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

That is not a secret, we already know! (remember that adventurers true-false mini some challenges ago?)

Now, we need another secret. Something obscure, like letting us know that you lick the marmalade knife

 

Great picture!

Balls. Why did you have to remember that?

 

6 hours ago, Owlet said:

Aw, lovely picture! Come to New Zealand so we can hang out and make excited faces haha. 

 

How did the meditation go? I've never tried guided meditation but I can imagine getting pretty ragey - I can't even handle most audio books, for some reason I'm fussy about voices, let alone visualisations. That said I daydream a lot while I meditate, could probably do with some guidance lol.

 

That's interesting what you said about emotions, like you can't filter what other people feel so you feel it too. But hey, a pat on the shoulder and a 'there there' is still comforting! That's essentially what my boyfriend does and to be honest it's pretty nice. Just knowing someone is there and they are listening and obviously care, even if they don't say so. Often as not you just need someone to listen, no need for solutions or wise words or whatever else a 'master-comforter' might offer. That said, if you can work out how to deal with emotions so they don't stop you doing things you want to do, like volunteer, then hurrah! Go forth and work on emotional shit! 

As soon as I hit the lottery I'll be there! 

 

I changed to a pack that's less guided than the rest. Lost focus a lot but that's to be expected when I haven't done it in a while, I think. I really loved the app when I first started using it, and some of the packs are pretty great, but a lot of them use this visualization that's like, "imagine liquid sunlight flowing down through the top of your head and filling your body with warmth and spaciousness" and I just cannot connect with it. I don't know what it is about it. Other ones are fine, except for when I'm actually really into it and the dude's voice scares the shit out of me because I forgot it was happening lol. 

 

I think it is something I need to figure out for sure. I know it's not terrible but I do want to learn how to... idk, deal with it more effectively? We'll see. 

 

3 hours ago, athousandwords said:

 

Yeah I tend to be way more open with people I don't know than people I know in real life. Like I'm totally cool telling everyone on NF that we're trying to have a baby, but I haven't told any of my RL friends or family. It's weird, because it's not like it's anonymous (we're friends on FB!) but more that I know you guys won't judge. And when I'm already sharing things like my weight and eating habits, it just feels weird not to share anything else.

 

But zenLaura is right - we need a juicier secret!  Something like your favorite guilty pleasure movie!

It's so weird the way it works out. Like at first you're telling a bunch of strangers all your personal business, and then they're not strangers but you're telling them even more shit that you wouldn't htink of telling people who are ostensibly closer to you. Yay, internet. 

 

fndjigrjdsa I don't have one? 

 

Um. I accidentally killed a goldfish when I was probably 7ish? The water needed to be changed and I'd asked my father to help me with it a million times and he kept brushing me off so I decided to do it myself, and the water I put in the bowl was definitely too hot. Poor thing bobbed around the bowl for a minute or two before going belly up. It was pretty traumatizing.

[fleaball]

Fuuuuck. I was quite pleased with myself for calling my school to find out where my financial aid is, right up until I found out it could be another 2-3 weeks til I get it. My class starts a week from today, and I got money a week before the first day of classes the last two semesters, but apparently the process isn't quite as smooth in the summer? The letter from the government said it was scheduled to be disbursed 6/17, but the school said it's available to be disbursed ten days before a class starts but might not actually be done until the week before or the week a class actually starts. And then it takes 5-10 days to make it into my bank account from there. Which is cute, because I'm supposed to get my car fixed this weekend and rent is due next week. Argh. I still have actual RL things to do as well as threads to reply to here but I'm gonna go be an ostrich for a bit. I know it's not worth getting upset over because there's nothing I can do, but I'm frustrated as fuck right now.

[NeverThatBored]

44 minutes ago, fleaball said:

f the packs are pretty great, but a lot of them use this visualization that's like, "imagine liquid sunlight flowing down through the top of your head and filling your body with warmth and spaciousness" and I just cannot connect with it. I don't know what it is about it. Other ones are fine, except for when I'm actually really into it and the dude's voice scares the shit out of me because I forgot it was happening lol. 

 

I'm doing one with the liquid sunlight thing right now. It's the worst. I like a lot of the other ones way better. I'm only just now starting to get a hang of the liquid sunlight thing after 28 days of it, but up until like this past week, it wasn't doing anything for me at all. 

 

Agree with you on the voice thing too. Sometimes I get annoyed because he keeps talking when I'm trying to do the exercise.  

 

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Fuuuuck. I was quite pleased with myself for calling my school to find out where my financial aid is, right up until I found out it could be another 2-3 weeks til I get it. My class starts a week from today, and I got money a week before the first day of classes the last two semesters, but apparently the process isn't quite as smooth in the summer? The letter from the government said it was scheduled to be disbursed 6/17, but the school said it's available to be disbursed ten days before a class starts but might not actually be done until the week before or the week a class actually starts. And then it takes 5-10 days to make it into my bank account from there. Which is cute, because I'm supposed to get my car fixed this weekend and rent is due next week. Argh. I still have actual RL things to do as well as threads to reply to here but I'm gonna go be an ostrich for a bit. I know it's not worth getting upset over because there's nothing I can do, but I'm frustrated as fuck right now.

 

Ugh ugh ugh financial aid stress is the worst. I remember being in knots all the time when I had to deal with it while I was still in school. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  

[Lara]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Balls. Why did you have to remember that?

 

 

 

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

but a lot of them use this visualization that's like, "imagine liquid sunlight flowing down through the top of your head and filling your body with warmth and spaciousness" and I just cannot connect with it

 

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

I'm doing one with the liquid sunlight thing right now. It's the worst. I like a lot of the other ones way better.

 

For me, is one I like a lot. I focuse on the warmth feeling only because it's what more easily comes to me, and I do get a deep breath with it. Maybe try to identify only with one thing, the color, the warmth, the space in the body, instead of trying to do the complete visualization?