How Can I Develop Communication Skills

[CrimsonTide2006]

I have horrible talking/thinking skills. I have no clue what I should say in given situations...etc. 

 

No one outside of family members ever talks to me..

 

Outside of beginning with "How are you" "what are you doing", I cannot think of anything intelligent to say to someone when I want to talk on facebook...

 

If I go see someone like a teacher, a doctor,...etc I have no clue how to speak and end up sounding immature/stupid and usually have long awkward pauses. My lack of communication skills really limits me..

 

I have been told many times that things I say are inappropriate or do not makes sense.

 

I have a hard time coming up with things to say to start or continue a conversation.

 

Just a little background; when I was born I had developmental delays and mild retardation...

 

 

If I am 29, is it too late to develop any?

[Fayrn]

No but the best thing you can do is ask your doctor, teacher, parents, or maybe a psychotherapist for ideas on how to improve communication skills.

When I was young I went through speech therapy for severe stuttering and learned through writing and reading how to communicate my thoughts. I'm bilingual, so sometimes, it's hard to for me to say what I really want to say or get others to understand me. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you.

[TurtIe]

 I'd recommend reading Dale Carnegie's book "How To Win Friends and Influence People", specifically the second section that deal with "Six Ways To Make People Like You".

Also, go out and practice. Jump on an unusual bus route once a week with the goal of talking with three strangers. Have a loose script if you need to, just getting out there and learning from experience will be a better teacher than any advice any person could give.

[Raincloak]

You're not too late.  I didn't really start getting a social life offline until I was 28.  It's not hard to think through what people feel and what they want; the hard part is doing it with live people on the fly  

 

I wouldn't worry too much about making friends on Facebook, though if you must, send them a remark about their latest photo or post, introduce yourself briefly, and ask them to tell you more about their post.

 

There are various social situations which require various approaches.  The most basic is just greeting someone to acknowledge their existence, such as when you walk into an elevator or board a bus, or you pass by your neighbor in the hall.  In this case, say something about the weather, like "Hi.  Nice day today, isn't it?" or "I think the sun's going to come out soon," or "Lot of rain today, huh?"  Yes, it's banal, but works well for situations where all you need to do is say hello.  "How's it going?" or "How you doing?" is another fitting phrase.

 

If the other person ignores you or makes a noncommittal response, you're done; they don't want to chat.  You've done your duty by greeting them.  If they mention their own take on the weather or how they're doing, that's your cue to listen politely and then talk about your own business if they express interest.  If they just say "I'm fine, how are you?" give a polite one-liner about your latest errand, like "Good, I'm just going to the post office" or "Got a date tonight, wish me luck" and then move along.

 

Carnegie has some good points, although his book, it should be said, is 100 years old and shows it.  (Take the sexism with a grain of salt.)  But he's quite right when he says people love to be addressed by their names, they usually like being asked for advice, they love to be listened to, and above all they love to be complimented.

 

A big key to being socially popular is to be a good listener.  If conversation bogs down, ask a question (bonus points if the question relates to something the other person just said) and listen to the answer.  Try to digest what the other person is saying, rather than spending all your time thinking about what you're going to say next.  Act like you really care (bonus points if you do, indeed, cultivate a sense of caring).  If you like Facebook, friend the page "Humans Of New York," which will give you a bit of insight into how people really tick.

 

Recently a mentor told me I need to speak more slowly.  She's probably right, and you probably have the same issue.  Concentrating on the cadence of your speech will make it sound smoother and more pleasing to others.  Try to say your words with the same length of pause in between each word, rather than spitting out rapid-fire phrases with long pauses in between.  This just takes practice.  Pretend you're speaking into a microphone and there's a crowd of eager fans hanging on every word you utter.

 

If you need to talk on your own behalf, think through what you're going to say and what the best way to phrase it is.  If you need help, open with "Hi," or "Excuse me."  Then say:  "I think I need help, could you please give me a hand/some advice?"  ("Please" works wonders when you want something.  Of course you must follow it up with "thank you" whether the person helps you or not.)

[IslandGirl_Becks]

I highly recommend joining a Toastmaster's club. Their emphasis is public speaking, but I found that it helped all of my communication skills. One exercise they do is called "table topics," where you might be called on to speak for 90 seconds on a random topic. The first time I did one, I froze, ahhed and ummed for a minute, and could hardly form a cohesive sentance. A few months later I was telling stories and verbalizing my thoughts effectively. There is always lots of laughter involved, and everyone is very helpful and encouraging. Check them out!

[TheArchitect]

When talking to others, keep in mind that most people like taking about themselves so if you ask questions, that are not closed questions, they can do most of the talking.

If you ask "where are you from?" And they give a short response of "Boston" or "TinyTown, WI" you can follow up with questions. It helps if you are genuinely curious

Potential follow up questions:

"How did you end up here (if you are not in the same location)?"

"Did you enjoy living there?"

"What was your favorite part of growing up there?"

"Do you visit often? Do you still have family there?"

I second the Dale Carnegie book, and there are deservedly other books but also joining a bookclub or some other group where there is already a topic on the table might help. Toastmasters might be overwhelming but if you stick with it you could surprise yourself with improvements!

[HedgeMage]

It's definitely not too late!

 

It's actually pretty normal in geeky circles to meet people who've simply been too invested in solo or text-based activities for their whole lives to have practiced verbal communication enough to develop a high level of skill.  Add in the rates of autism-spectrum disorders and...yeah, I've had to coach colleagues on this quite a bit.

 

I second (third?) the "How To Win Friends and Influence People" recommendation.

 

This is one of those areas where practice will do a great deal for you.  The more you get out and talk to people, the easier it gets.

 

Having someone you mentor or cross-mentor who can give you feedback can be very valuable as well, if they have both a high level of skill in this area and a high ability to break it down for you.  Some people do it so subconsciously as to not really be able to explain how it works.

 

Also practice observing others in social situations.  Who seems to be the strongest communicators?  How is their style of communication different than that of others?

[RedStone]

In addition to the many excellent suggestions, I'd like tor add "Quiet", by Susan Cain. It's a beautiful read exploring the nature of introverts, and to me, was extremely empowering in that it made me feel much more confident about the way I approach communication.

 

I am who I've always been, but thanks to the boost of confidence in the way I naturally prefer to express myself, I've found new ways to speak aloud that best represent me while staying true to myself.

 

Good luck, and no, it's never too late!

[skueong]

It is never too late to start and practice anything, so don't worry about it  

 

As for how to practice communication skills... 

 

To gain the information/knowledge on how to improve, there are a few books you can read (one which has been suggested by the other members):

 

1. Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends and Influence People

 

This book has timeless principles which can be applied as long as humans are around. Of course, it is abit old so you need to forgive some sexist undertones. BUT the principles are sound. People love to be called by their names. People love to talk, and you being interested in them allows them to talk, which well makes them happy. A perfect quote (from Maya Angelou) would be: I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

 

2. Olivia Fox Cabane - The Charisma Myth

 

This book teaches other people on how to become more charismatic. Even though you may feel it's a long jump towards "charisma", Olivia Fox says that it is possible for anyone to achieve charisma, which are basically principles for good social and communication skills. She has also a huge focus on the internal, so it is more important to get your mindset right rather than the individual tactics of communicating. 

 

 

3. Mark Goulston - Just Listen (this is my personal favorite)

 

Dr. Goulston is a psychiatrist, and what he really teaches is a soft approach towards communicating. He really emphasizes on listening, understanding and showing empathy for other people, which is incidentally how you can become good at social skills. 

 

4. Mark Manson - Models 

 

Yes, this is a book written by a former pick-up artist, but Mark has terrific advice on how to become more confident, and how not to be afraid to say stuff. Which will definitely help you out. 

 

 

Anyway, besides going out to practice speaking regularly, I want to highlight some things from what I've read from you... 

 

Number 1 is that I feel you're too worried about saying intelligent stuff. You don't necessarily have to start off with saying "intelligent" stuff. Nobody's gonna expect you to recite all 16 of Einstein's relativity field equations to them. So you don't have to put that huge expectation on yourself! 

 

All you have to do is to comment or ask them about something that everyone does to start off the conversation. Besides how are you, and what are you doing, you could ask stuff like "did you travel recently?", "where's your favorite place to eat?", which isn't remotely "intelligent" yet can open up conversations about stuff