Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

I'm freaking out and I can't make it stop. I woke up and my neck hurts a bit and all I can think about is how that's what happened when I wound up in the hospital before. I thought I'd slept wrong and then thought I got a cold on top of it and then it turned out to be a lot more serious. This time it's the other side of my neck and it feels a little swollen, but it's not visibly so. I took my temperature and it came out at exactly 98.6. I don't feel sick like I did before. And I know that if I do feel sick I'll go to the doctor immediately. But I can't shake it. I keep telling myself I'm fine and then I keep thinking "right but what if?" And I'm just fixating on this. And I don't have time for it. I have so much work I need to do and I'm just sitting here paralyzed by everything and I really just need the world to give me a fucking break. 

[Severine]

I say get up and go outside for a short walk, a couple times around the block. Get some fresh air, and then come back and do some gentle stretches for your neck and back. You don't have the same symptoms as before so all logic says this is just a sore muscle in your neck. If you get sick, reassess but in the meantime go for that walk and then give yourself something concrete to do in order to get your mind off it, even if you start out doing something that isn't work, like a soduko puzzle. Just get your mind working and it'll help re-establish perspective. You are okay!

[Briniel]

Sounds like a good plan. Go and do that. You got this.

[fleaball]

4 hours ago, Severine said:

I say get up and go outside for a short walk, a couple times around the block. Get some fresh air, and then come back and do some gentle stretches for your neck and back. You don't have the same symptoms as before so all logic says this is just a sore muscle in your neck. If you get sick, reassess but in the meantime go for that walk and then give yourself something concrete to do in order to get your mind off it, even if you start out doing something that isn't work, like a soduko puzzle. Just get your mind working and it'll help re-establish perspective. You are okay!

 

2 hours ago, Briniel said:

Sounds like a good plan. Go and do that. You got this.

 

I went! I sat here for a while griping to myself about how I didn't want to get dressed and go outside. Then I decided to go to the vegan juice bar place down the street that opened up last month. Got a smoothie and a slice of cake and sat in the sun on my back porch for a while. I feel less chaotic but I still can't stop poking at my neck and studying it in the mirror to see if it's swollen. Watched some TV, which was neither productive nor restorative, then took a shower. Now that it's 6:40pm I'm gonna go do some laundry, do that job application, and then hopefully figure out where to find the populations of 3000+ cities in the U.S. for this fucking project. I'm sure it's on the census website but I was hella confused yesterday when I tried to find it. 

 

It would be really nice if this job miraculously panned out. (I just had to google that to make sure it was an actual phrase because what the fuck even is English?) I would just really like to have something locked down by the time my internship ends so I don't have to worry.

[Dagger]

I saved your battle log from reading it last night to answer this morning, except this morning my brain haven't come online yet. And I've kind of already complained about that on your challenge, so...

 

That feels appropriate.

[Jarric]

Sorry to hear things have been rough for your Mum. With the funeral stuff, I don't know how feasible it is but could you talk to her about it? Lots of people plan their own funerals and whilst I'm not suggesting that she might have the best idea of the kind of thing she wants. Not an easy conversation to have, but equally if you're both up to it it might be quite cathartic to face up to things in that way.

 

Hope you're doing ok today.

 

 

[fleaball]

10 minutes ago, Jarric said:

Sorry to hear things have been rough for your Mum. With the funeral stuff, I don't know how feasible it is but could you talk to her about it? Lots of people plan their own funerals and whilst I'm not suggesting that she might have the best idea of the kind of thing she wants. Not an easy conversation to have, but equally if you're both up to it it might be quite cathartic to face up to things in that way.

 

Hope you're doing ok today.

 

 

She's 100% not talking about end of life stuff. I don't blame her, of course, but it's frustrating on this end. But no, that is another Thing We Won't Discuss. And even though they all had wills, none of my grandparents specified funeral arrangements either, so the precedent in my family is "let someone else handle it." 

 

Idk, maybe when it gets closer/if we get a heads up that things are headed downhill she might have something to say about it. But as it stands now, nope. And it's gonna be hella awkward because her parents are buried together in one cemetery, my father's parents are buried together in another, so where is she gonna go?

 

okay. Crying at work. Pausing this conversation for now. 

[Jarric]

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad bringing that up

[fleaball]

12 minutes ago, Jarric said:

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad bringing that up

Noooo no no no it's not you at all. And I don't feel bad, necessarily. There's just no rhyme or reason to the things that make me cry right now. Literally none. I've made phone calls to several different companies already and said "my mother has terminal cancer, what happens to this account when she dies?" I can talk about it with relative ease 90% of the time, but then something random will set me off. To the point where I'll be talking to my therapist about something and suddenly get choked up and we both get confused about why. So okay, talking about planning a funeral might seem like an obvious trigger but it hasn't been until right now. If I expected it to be a problem i'd've waited til I got home to answer. And I'm fine now. My brain is just being weird again. 

 

To make it weirder, I just spent several minutes looking for cemeteries in the area, including the one where her parents are buried, and it didn't bother me at all.

[Owlet]

Tears are so irrational ugh. I'm guessing it's when you stumble across an aspect you hadn't considered before and it takes you by surprise? There must be so many facets to this shit situation, it's totally understandable that you keep reacting to things that seem quite random. Booo. Sending you fluffy kitten hugs <3 

 

Ok well that's more of a strangle hold, but you're cool with that right?

[fleaball]

On 4/11/2017 at 5:53 PM, Owlet said:

Tears are so irrational ugh. I'm guessing it's when you stumble across an aspect you hadn't considered before and it takes you by surprise? There must be so many facets to this shit situation, it's totally understandable that you keep reacting to things that seem quite random. Booo. Sending you fluffy kitten hugs <3 

 

Ok well that's more of a strangle hold, but you're cool with that right?

Totally okay with being strangled by fluffy kittens. <3

 

There are definitely some things that take me by surprise and result in tears, but that's not all of it. Some of it seems to be random personal things, or things I/she will miss out on. Like when I cried in an Uber realizing that she wouldn't get to see the city like she always wanted to. Or every time she says/does something that demonstrates how much she really doesn't know me and never will. (Or what I don't know about her, like "wtf do we do for her funeral?") And then there are some things that don't fall into those categories and I'm just like "really? Why?" which of course I can't think of right now because when I ask myself what's made me cry recently the answer is "lol everything."  

 

I wonder if the people in the surrounding cubes ever realize I'm crying and wonder wtf my deal is. 

[Plazmotic]

49 minutes ago, fleaball said:

There are definitely some things that take me by surprise and result in tears, but that's not all of it. Some of it seems to be random personal things, or things I/she will miss out on. Like when I cried in an Uber realizing that she wouldn't get to see the city like she always wanted to. Or every time she says/does something that demonstrates how much she really doesn't know me and never will. (Or what I don't know about her, like "wtf do we do for her funeral?") And then there are some things that don't fall into those categories and I'm just like "really? Why?" which of course I can't think of right now because when I ask myself what's made me cry recently the answer is "lol everything."  

 

I wonder if the people in the surrounding cubes ever realize I'm crying and wonder wtf my deal is. 

 

I would 100% be in your shoes if the same were happening to me. Family is my emotional kryptonite, I would be ashamedly blubbering at the slightest thing.

[fleaball]

9 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

 

I would 100% be in your shoes if the same were happening to me. Family is my emotional kryptonite, I would be ashamedly blubbering at the slightest thing.

Ooooh this is way too complicated to get into right now. Family isn't typically a trigger point for me. I think at the root of it, part of what's constantly setting me off is the super dysfunctional relationship I have with my parents and also the fact that my childhood was actually not as great as I thought it was and they totally fucked me up. I've only recently started to unravel it all with my therapist. And wow, here's a thought. Maybe that's part of why random things set me off. 

 

Someone ask me about this in like five hours because it's going to make me cry and I need to stop doing that at work. 

[Sylvaa]

8 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Ooooh this is way too complicated to get into right now. Family isn't typically a trigger point for me. I think at the root of it, part of what's constantly setting me off is the super dysfunctional relationship I have with my parents and also the fact that my childhood was actually not as great as I thought it was and they totally fucked me up. I've only recently started to unravel it all with my therapist. And wow, here's a thought. Maybe that's part of why random things set me off. 

 

Someone ask me about this in like five hours because it's going to make me cry and I need to stop doing that at work. 

 

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone with the whole randomness of feelings. I had a whole conversation with my mother about how my grandparents were doing and I teared up about my grandfather's Civil War books most likely going to a used book store. 

[Plazmotic]

40 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I think at the root of it, part of what's constantly setting me off is the super dysfunctional relationship I have with my parents and also the fact that my childhood was actually not as great as I thought it was and they totally fucked me up. I've only recently started to unravel it all with my therapist.

 

This reminds me of my BFF, who has a weird messed up relationship with her parents, and her mom has liver issues that bring her in and out of the hospital. So she loves her parents, but she also thinks they’re absolutely banoodles and bad for her mental health.

 

As an example, here’s how shit will go down.

1. BFF gets in a fight with her mom because her mom will demean her.

2. BFF stops visiting and responding to her mom's calls/messages.

3. BFF gets a call from her father saying her mom is in the suddenly in the hospital and her liver is failing FOR REAL, she should visit.

4. BFF goes and finds that it’s a routine check-up, her mom just wanted to force her into a face-to-face conversation.

5. BFF is left wondering why her family is CRAZY.

[fleaball]

21 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone with the whole randomness of feelings. I had a whole conversation with my mother about how my grandparents were doing and I teared up about my grandfather's Civil War books most likely going to a used book store. 

That one sort of makes sense though. After my grandmother died and we had to clean out their house I would always get this pit in my stomach thinking about it, because my grandfather had a room full of photos and army memorabilia and all

this other stuff that like, is sort of useless to everyone but the thought of just getting rid of it was like... no? Because it's his? Even though it doesn't mean as much to any of us and is now currently in boxes in my garage? So it seems random but I get it. 

 

Just now, Plazmotic said:

 

This reminds me of my BFF, who has a weird messed up relationship with her parents, and her mom has liver issues that bring her in and out of the hospital. So she loves her parents, but she also thinks they’re absolutely banoodles and bad for her mental health.

 

As an example, here’s how shit will go down.

1. BFF gets in a fight with her mom because her mom will demean her.

2. BFF stops visiting and responding to her mom's calls/messages.

3. BFF gets a call from her father saying her mom is in the suddenly in the hospital and her liver is failing FOR REAL, she should visit.

4. BFF goes and finds that it’s a routine check-up, her mom just wanted to force her into a face-to-face conversation.

5. BFF is left wondering why her family is CRAZY.

Oh ouch. I'm glad my family doesn't have that kind of shenanigans going on. (If anything for me it will be the latter and no one will tell me when my mother is dying.) 

 

okay tl;dr version of what I alluded to before: I wonder if some of the random things that make me cry are related to mourning the relationship we didn't have or should've had, and also the fact that now we won't get to have that. Also just repressing feelings because when my mother does the same bullshit she's always done that pisses me off, now I feel like I can't get mad or say anything about it. Like I was pissed when she said she'd outed me to my father because  you. don't. do. that. but as much as I wanted to lose my shit, how am I supposed to yell at her for doing it because she wanted to make sure she had the chance to fight him if he had a problem with it, so she was trying to protect me now since she can't do it later because she's dying. Super not fair. 

[Sylvaa]

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

That one sort of makes sense though. After my grandmother died and we had to clean out their house I would always get this pit in my stomach thinking about it, because my grandfather had a room full of photos and army memorabilia and all

this other stuff that like, is sort of useless to everyone but the thought of just getting rid of it was like... no? Because it's his? Even though it doesn't mean as much to any of us and is now currently in boxes in my garage? So it seems random but I get it. 

 

Maybe for normal people. But not for me. I am the queen of minimalism. I do not attach memories to things. 

 

20 minutes ago, fleaball said:

okay tl;dr version of what I alluded to before: I wonder if some of the random things that make me cry are related to mourning the relationship we didn't have or should've had, and also the fact that now we won't get to have that. Also just repressing feelings because when my mother does the same bullshit she's always done that pisses me off, now I feel like I can't get mad or say anything about it. Like I was pissed when she said she'd outed me to my father because  you. don't. do. that. but as much as I wanted to lose my shit, how am I supposed to yell at her for doing it because she wanted to make sure she had the chance to fight him if he had a problem with it, so she was trying to protect me now since she can't do it later because she's dying. Super not fair. 

 

This is totally rational. 

[Owlet]

27 minutes ago, fleaball said:

okay tl;dr version of what I alluded to before: I wonder if some of the random things that make me cry are related to mourning the relationship we didn't have or should've had, and also the fact that now we won't get to have that. Also just repressing feelings because when my mother does the same bullshit she's always done that pisses me off, now I feel like I can't get mad or say anything about it. Like I was pissed when she said she'd outed me to my father because  you. don't. do. that. but as much as I wanted to lose my shit, how am I supposed to yell at her for doing it because she wanted to make sure she had the chance to fight him if he had a problem with it, so she was trying to protect me now since she can't do it later because she's dying. Super not fair. 

Woah woah, have we talked about this already? (Apologies if you mentioned it, my memory is seriously questionable) how did you father react? 'cause that's a super big deal right there and it kinda feels like it just got thrown in as an afterthought because of all the other shit going down...and for the record, all the reasons you've mentioned so far seem like extremely legitimate reasons to cry. That's an impossible situation - like you said, you have every right to be furious but how can you when she did it with such good intentions? Arrghhh. 

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

Woah woah, have we talked about this already? (Apologies if you mentioned it, my memory is seriously questionable) how did you father react? 'cause that's a super big deal right there and it kinda feels like it just got thrown in as an afterthought because of all the other shit going down...and for the record, all the reasons you've mentioned so far seem like extremely legitimate reasons to cry. That's an impossible situation - like you said, you have every right to be furious but how can you when she did it with such good intentions? Arrghhh. 

I threw it in the massive post that I put behind a cut a few days ago. I wasn't around when she did it but she told me when I went home in March. Apparently his reaction was just "oh. Okay." But she said she did it specifically because she wanted to see what he would say and fight him if he had an issue with it. Her words. I did sort of include it as an afterthought in the other post because aside from the massive "what the FUCK" on principle, there's nothing I can do about it. My father never said anything to me, probably never will unless I bring it up first. And I can't get mad at my mother for it so what's the point. 

[Owlet]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I threw it in the massive post that I put behind a cut a few days ago. I wasn't around when she did it but she told me when I went home in March. Apparently his reaction was just "oh. Okay." But she said she did it specifically because she wanted to see what he would say and fight him if he had an issue with it. Her words. I did sort of include it as an afterthought in the other post because aside from the massive "what the FUCK" on principle, there's nothing I can do about it. My father never said anything to me, probably never will unless I bring it up first. And I can't get mad at my mother for it so what's the point. 

Ah my bad. Well, I guess that's a better reaction than blowing up about it. The whole thing is still difficult (even though I love that your Mum cares enough to want to fight him heh) I think you have a good attitude though - shrug and move on because there are other battles to fight and this one isn't going to make anyone's life better right now. Hugs

[fleaball]

22 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Ah my bad. Well, I guess that's a better reaction than blowing up about it. The whole thing is still difficult (even though I love that your Mum cares enough to want to fight him heh) I think you have a good attitude though - shrug and move on because there are other battles to fight and this one isn't going to make anyone's life better right now. Hugs

No worries. It was buried in a wall of text. Yeah I have to say I was surprised by that. Like I've said before, she's said so many casually shitty things that I really didn't think she'd be okay with it. And when I finally told her she still didn't really seem okay with it. So that was a shock. Don't give me too much credit for shrugging and moving on though. It's less altruism and more feeling guilty about getting mad at a dying person and powerless as a result, because, you know, I want to but I can't. Super fun. 

[fleaball]

So I told my therapist about my mother outing me. And before I was halfway through the sentence she'd said "no- she didn't- oh my god-" and had shifted around in her seat and was hiding her face in her hands. It was kind of hilarious. And also kind of affirming to see another straight person going AHJDFIFNRYSV NO. WHY. (ilu @Owlet) Even though I know she did some kind of queer studies in school at some point. 

 

Right. Cool story, Flea. 

[NeverThatBored]

I love your therapist. 

 

4 hours ago, Owlet said:

Woah woah, have we talked about this already?

 

I also totally missed it. 

[fleaball]

JK GUYS I went back and read the post I thought it was in and nope, apparently I didn't mention it? I swear to god I remember writing this out at some point. Maybe I started it a while ago and deleted it because I didn't want to deal with it?

 

Backstory: so when I was home over spring break we were in the car coming home from her chemo appointment, I think, talking about the St Patrick's Day parade and how a group of gay vets wasn't allowed to carry their banner this or something until a shit ton of people said they'd boycott and the decision was magically reversed. (Because their banner had a rainbow, and "rainbows are a symbol of" something gay idk I forget what the actual wording was. But honestly you're going to ban ONE rainbow from a St. Patrick's Day parade? And not the others that will undoubtedly be there with leprechauns and shit? Okay guys.) And anyway until 2-3 years ago there was always a separate queer parade because the other one is run by a private Christian group and not the city, so they had final say in who got to march and they didn't let the queer folks in. And I said something about how one of the reasons I had no plans to come out to my father was that years ago at my grandparents' house on St. Patrick's Day he and my uncle and my grandfather (also cops) were complaining about having to occasionally work the other parade and "why can't they just be in the other parade? why do they think they're special and have to have separate everything?" and shove it in people's faces etc. etc. 

 

And she just casually goes "I told him." We were stopped at a red light and she must have looked over and seen something on my face because she quickly followed up with "if he had a problem with it I wanted to fight him over it." Istg my brain was short-circuiting. My only response was something along the lines of "oh. great." And then i spent half the week waiting for him to bring it up before just moving on with my life. If I magically get a girlfriend in the near future I'm not going flaunt it or something just to piss him off, but if he does want to cause drama over it that's 100% his loss because he's incapable of being a functional adult and I won't be sticking around to clean up after him.

[Severine]

Aggggh well meaning clueless screwups by sick people are a really crap thing to deal with. I guess in this instance your dad's tendency to just not talk about feelingsy stuff is working in your favour, at least. FWIW, a lot of people who say casually shitty things about LGBT people (or any people they see as different from them) tend to change their tune when it turns out to be someone they know and love. So maybe there's even a bit of a mental turnaround going on, or will be in the future.

 

The stuff with crying makes all kinds of sense to me. Anyone at work with a soul, if they've noticed, is just quietly hoping that you're okay.