[Harriet]

I no longer believe I can diet, exercise, and self-improve my way out of my illness. So I've thought about how I should approach my challenges from now on.

 

Firstly, my goals should be things I can do even when crashed. Otherwise, I will be inconsistent and make no progress.

Secondly, I should choose habits with some immediate payoff, in order to start rebuilding my belief in the connection between effort and reward.

Thirdly, stress reduction and mind body practices seem to be critical to CFS management.

So I’ll start at level 1 again and track:

 

• Very short walks at least 5 times per week to reduce pain and enhance sleep and general wellbeing. Also an opportunity to listen to music.
• Very short meditation at least 5 times per week. A few moments of calm in which to reforge the mind body connection.
• Brief stretching before bed at least 5 times per week to reduce pain and make sleep more likely. Also a mind body practice.

 

I'll try to enjoy these activities and be mindful of how they feel. Together with kindness, gentleness, and acceptance toward myself, that’s it.

I'll be doing other things, of course, but not tracking them.

 

[Harriet]

I'm still crashed. But Mr Harriet and I went to a couple of furniture stores to see what was available, since the move to Munich will happen at the start of February. And the architect, who doesn't usually do private residences, as part of his agreement with Mr Harriet, wants to photograph the whole place for his profile, so we need the place to be furnished before we move in. So I cannot just move in and sit on the floor for six months before buying a $15 chair from amazon. I am not allowed to buy amazon chairs. Although I suppose they can bring some of their own stuff to photograph if they don't like what I choose. So I could buy this footstool:

 

Spoiler

Anyway, I spent the last few days making digital drawings of how I might arrange my room and what furniture I might want. I like discussing colours and things with Mr Harriet.

As for my room, I haven't been using my desk much in the last year. The desktop computer is gradually dying, and since I learned about the POTS I prefer not to sit up at a desk if I can help it. So I am wondering if I could have a low coffee table and armchair in my room instead. I was thinking of using a laptop/reading/knitting/digital painting either on the armchair, or maybe sitting on the floor for some of the day.

We also had therapy today. Mr Harriet is coming closer to accepting that he will not have children. He was able to express regret and sadness at this. He mentioned that he does not envision his future without me, and that he is choosing me over having children. Not that he feels like he has made a final decision.

He also got his stitches out. He is going to have a noticeably scar over his eye. But more concerning is that his hand still hurts a lot, two weeks later.

[Everstorm]

Sleep and general well-being are where it's at this challenge ?

 

ETA:  I am glad to hear that Mr. Harriet has realized that he values the wife he has over the children he might have had.  It sounds like therapy has been useful for him to work through his feelings on the issue.

[sarakingdom]

[Sovalis]

I appreciate this challenge. I am so fond of you, Harriet, and I want things to be the best they can be for you. ❤️

 

I am glad Mr. Harriet seems to be coming around. It is important that he sees you as his future and that he can let go of this other, less tangible thing to keep what he has.

 

I remember when Dave asked me if we’d have kids. I gave a short, sharp “Hell No”. He blinked and asked if I was sure. I said absolutely, and if that was a deal breaker for him we’d better end things where we were. He looked and me, said “I want you more” and that was the end of that. I think there are moments he thinks about kids still, but more often are the times where we (the only childless couple in our friend group) look at each other and say “You know what is great? Not having kids.” I wish you both peace and resolution on the matter. 

[Harriet]

15 hours ago, Everstorm said:

Sleep and general well-being are where it's at this challenge ?

 

Totally. We're all self care and kindness.

 

15 hours ago, Everstorm said:

ETA:  I am glad to hear that Mr. Harriet has realized that he values the wife he has over the children he might have had.  It sounds like therapy has been useful for him to work through his feelings on the issue.

 

He's still working on it, but yeah, he wasn't even able to name his feelings before the therapist did.

 

9 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I appreciate this challenge. I am so fond of you, Harriet, and I want things to be the best they can be for you. ❤️

 

Thank you my darling Sov.

 

9 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I am glad Mr. Harriet seems to be coming around. It is important that he sees you as his future and that he can let go of this other, less tangible thing to keep what he has.

 

Yeah. I also need to give him some space to reflect and grieve. I do want to resist the idea that it's all my choice, though, since he is 45 and he waited until after I said "no" to even think about it seriously.

 

9 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I remember when Dave asked me if we’d have kids. I gave a short, sharp “Hell No”. He blinked and asked if I was sure. I said absolutely, and if that was a deal breaker for him we’d better end things where we were. He looked and me, said “I want you more” and that was the end of that. I think there are moments he thinks about kids still, but more often are the times where we (the only childless couple in our friend group) look at each other and say “You know what is great? Not having kids.” I wish you both peace and resolution on the matter. 

 

Yes I cannot imagine having children and all I feel is relief when I see other people with theirs. I try to show adequate amounts of "awww how adorable" though.

 

14 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

17 hours ago, Harriet said:

I'll try to enjoy these activities and be mindful of how they feel. Together with kindness, gentleness, and acceptance toward myself, that’s it.

❤️

 

Do you feel safer/calmer now that you know Mr Harriet chooses you over offspring?

 

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

I try to show adequate amounts of "awww how adorable" though.

My typical reaction when people show me "cute" kids things is to stare at them incomprehensibly. Or go ew if it's a baby. People don't seem to like that for some odd reason...

[Rookie]

"Secondly, I should choose habits with some immediate payoff, in order to start rebuilding my belief in the connection between effort and reward."

 

I feel this one! 

 

I love the rhino footstool. It definitely needs to be a conversation piece in your abode. May I recommend a papassan chair if you can't find a good recliner. 

[Harriet]

9 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Do you feel safer/calmer now that you know Mr Harriet chooses you over offspring?

 

I'm gradually feeling safer with steady attention, affection, and gestures of caring. It will take time, though.

 

9 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

My typical reaction when people show me "cute" kids things is to stare at them incomprehensibly. Or go ew if it's a baby. People don't seem to like that for some odd reason...

 

Hmm. I can understand why people might not love it if you say "ew" out loud about the (other, small) people they love. I understand the ew reaction but it's like commenting critically on someone's full facial tattoo--hurtful and too late anyway.

 

3 hours ago, Rookie said:

"Secondly, I should choose habits with some immediate payoff, in order to start rebuilding my belief in the connection between effort and reward."

 

I feel this one! 

 

Are you also feeling burned out?

 

3 hours ago, Rookie said:

I love the rhino footstool. It definitely needs to be a conversation piece in your abode. May I recommend a papassan chair if you can't find a good recliner. 

 

I don't think it meets the standards of style and class that Mr Harriet and Herr W expect. Alas. But I do have some comfy chairs in mind.

[Harriet]

I did a short walk and stretched in a mindful way, paying attention to my breath, my body, and the quality of the movement. It does feel quite different to when I just do the stretches perfunctorily and impatiently.

I was also looking at art today (I was hoping to find affordable but high quality prints for the house) but then I found some beautiful japanese woodblock prints and wondered if it is possible to do printing style art at home. It is. Apparently lino is an easy way to do printing at home. I'm wondering if I might like to do some non digital art at some point.

[Rookie]

59 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Are you also feeling burned out?

Have been balancing between burnt out and in a rut for the past 1.5-2 years now 

 

59 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I don't think it meets the standards of style and class that Mr Harriet and Herr W expect. Alas. But I do have some comfy chairs in mind.

What if we give him a top hat and chadbelly? 

[Snarkyfishguts]

11 hours ago, Harriet said:

. I do want to resist the idea that it's all my choice, though, since he is 45 and he waited until after I said "no" to even think about it seriously.

VIVE LA RESISTANCE!

 

The footstool was not what I expected and I love it! 

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

12 hours ago, Harriet said:

Hmm. I can understand why people might not love it if you say "ew" out loud about the (other, small) people they love. I understand the ew reaction but it's like commenting critically on someone's full facial tattoo--hurtful and too late anyway.

To be fair it's only when they're sticky and gross. The first time someone shows me a baby picture and it's not someone who knows me well my reaction is usually "It's a baby. I understand the social protocol is to say "awww it's so cute", but I simply don't find babies attractive. It's not personal, but I'm also not going to lie for you." And then they never send me baby pictures again - it's very effective. On occasion they might forget or think that "but surely this one will melt Hatter's cold heart and trigger her dormant maternal instincts" and show me anyway and that's when they might get an "ew" in return if warranted. But really most of my friends are cool and if I say ew it's probably because their newborn baby really does look like a wrinkly old alien potato man and can laugh about it.

 

But it's not the same thing at all as criticizing someone's facial tattoo. Whether it's a cool tattoo or not I'm not going to comment on it out of nowhere because that's just creepy to me. I might compliment the barista that I see all the time on her new hair, but disturbing strangers on their daily commute to voice my both irrelevant and unsolicited opinion is not really a thing I'd do. Parents shoving baby pics in my face to validate their child and their life choice is an entirely different situation. If they are asking me to give my opinion on their baby's appearance I'll give them my honest answer whether they like it or not. Really it's the same if they asked me about their new hair or their face tattoo. (Except realistically nobody with a face tattoo would ask anyone to validate it.) I just don't see why their child should be the exception to the rule. (To be fair there is a short period when children are a little older where they can sometimes be cute. But really I'd much rather look at someone's pet pics.)

 

I do understand that someone's children are very important to them and want to share, but then they can share interesting things about them. Like stuff about their personality or what new developmental tricks they learned. You know, like you would about another human, and not a pet.

 

12 hours ago, Harriet said:

I don't think it meets the standards of style and class that Mr Harriet and Herr W expect. Alas. But I do have some comfy chairs in mind.

Personally I think it's very stylish and Mr Harriet's and Herr W's should expand their definition of style. ? 

 

12 hours ago, Harriet said:

I did a short walk and stretched in a mindful way, paying attention to my breath, my body, and the quality of the movement. It does feel quite different to when I just do the stretches perfunctorily and impatiently.

Totally. One of my flexy teachers even had a no talking policy during stretches because concentrating on the body and the sensations is so important!

 

12 hours ago, Harriet said:

I was also looking at art today (I was hoping to find affordable but high quality prints for the house) but then I found some beautiful japanese woodblock prints and wondered if it is possible to do printing style art at home. It is. Apparently lino is an easy way to do printing at home. I'm wondering if I might like to do some non digital art at some point.

YouTube says it's all possible. ? Didn't you start non-digital or am I misremembering?

[Harriet]

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

To be fair it's only when they're sticky and gross. The first time someone shows me a baby picture and it's not someone who knows me well my reaction is usually "It's a baby. I understand the social protocol is to say "awww it's so cute", but I simply don't find babies attractive. It's not personal, but I'm also not going to lie for you." And then they never send me baby pictures again - it's very effective. On occasion they might forget or think that "but surely this one will melt Hatter's cold heart and trigger her dormant maternal instincts" and show me anyway and that's when they might get an "ew" in return if warranted. But really most of my friends are cool and if I say ew it's probably because their newborn baby really does look like a wrinkly old alien potato man and can laugh about it.

 

But it's not the same thing at all as criticizing someone's facial tattoo. Whether it's a cool tattoo or not I'm not going to comment on it out of nowhere because that's just creepy to me. I might compliment the barista that I see all the time on her new hair, but disturbing strangers on their daily commute to voice my both irrelevant and unsolicited opinion is not really a thing I'd do. Parents shoving baby pics in my face to validate their child and their life choice is an entirely different situation. If they are asking me to give my opinion on their baby's appearance I'll give them my honest answer whether they like it or not. Really it's the same if they asked me about their new hair or their face tattoo. (Except realistically nobody with a face tattoo would ask anyone to validate it.) I just don't see why their child should be the exception to the rule. (To be fair there is a short period when children are a little older where they can sometimes be cute. But really I'd much rather look at someone's pet pics.)

 

I do understand that someone's children are very important to them and want to share, but then they can share interesting things about them. Like stuff about their personality or what new developmental tricks they learned. You know, like you would about another human, and not a pet.

 

Hmmm. I don't get photos often and I don't feel like they're being shoved in my face or that I'm being asked to validate someone any more than when I get the occasional holiday pic or life update like "I got my German passport" or "I finished my degree" or "I ran that marathon I've been training for". I cannot imagine saying "yuck" to these rare moments when someone shares what's important to them, even if I hecking don't want a baby or a marathon myself. So for me, babies are not the exception to the rule, because my rule is to be warm and approving when someone shares something important and personal. It would be different if I were feeling overwhelmed with a lot of unsolicited photos or "don't you want one of theeeeeese???" comments. I do get a few more photos of my friend's new baby, but I ask after him because I consider him an extension of her, for now at least. I told her he looks like a grumpy garden gnome, but it was lovingly meant. And she is totally on board with my decision not to have one. I love her attitude.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Personally I think it's very stylish and Mr Harriet's and Herr W's should expand their definition of style. ? 

 

Perhaps. But I don't care enough to fight about it, and I am pretty happy with the results of their efforts. These people do have taste.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Totally. One of my flexy teachers even had a no talking policy during stretches because concentrating on the body and the sensations is so important!

 

Interesting. I wonder what would happen if I had a few of these really attentive, calm, mind body moments during the day? Could it be as effective for mental health maintenance as the short daily walk?

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

YouTube says it's all possible. ? Didn't you start non-digital or am I misremembering?

 

I did indeed. I drew with pencil and plain biros for years, and I am adequate at oil and acrylic painting. I am feeling slightly wistful, though, because I don't know how to get from where I am now to where I want to be.

[Harriet]

15 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

VIVE LA RESISTANCE!

 

Hehehe.

 

15 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

The footstool was not what I expected and I love it!

 

Excellent. Rhino footstool club!

 

15 hours ago, Rookie said:

Have been balancing between burnt out and in a rut for the past 1.5-2 years now 

 

So many of us are struggling with similar things. I wonder why?

 

15 hours ago, Rookie said:

What if we give him a top hat and chadbelly?

 

Well if that doesn't convince them, I don't know what will.

[Mad Hatter]

Sorry I completely fail to see how lying and saying aww to a gross chocolate covered child is in any way related to caring or not caring about them. ?‍♀️There are many ways to care, don’t see the need to faking one of them.

 

19 minutes ago, Harriet said:

So many of us are struggling with similar things. I wonder why?

Is that not what they call midlife crisis? ?
 

59 minutes ago, Harriet said:

where I want to be.

Where do you want to be? And why?

[Rookie]

3 hours ago, Harriet said:

So many of us are struggling with similar things. I wonder why?

I can only speak to my personal situation. I thought I was unaffected by COVID isolation however that was not the case and by time I realized it I was a bit depressed and found out I was losing my job and I had to move my horse to new barn for her health... I ended up losing my work and barn families basically within a month of each other.  Then I stopped doing my hobbies and living in a constant state of anxiety, fear of not being able to get another job yet still needing to spend money I didn't have, feeling left behind from old barn family, not being able to connect with new barn family. A bunch of things lol. 

 

I blame COVID fall out. People feeling unsupported and isolated. people were given time to evaluate their lives.  And possibly midlife crisis as well for some. 

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

4 hours ago, Harriet said:

Interesting. I wonder what would happen if I had a few of these really attentive, calm, mind body moments during the day? Could it be as effective for mental health maintenance as the short daily walk?

Sorry forgot to reply to this! In this case it was for performance reasons and I wouldn't say it was calm. There's a lot of sensation in a very deep stretch so it was more about staying attentive and not freak out despite discomfort. I think that can be good for mental health too but in a different way. (There's some weird emotional shit happening with stretching.) But I absolutely believe movement can be very effective for mental health maintenance! (I mean besides exercise which is well documented but a different category) Personally I love rolling around on the floor exercises. Juicy pandiculation could be excellent for this. In general exercises that incorporate breathing. Yoga in its original form is more of a spiritual/mental practice and not a physical/relaxation practice, could find something there. Walking meditations are a thing. Walking has additional benefits but for this purpose I think many repetitive movements could fit the bill and be both soothing and connecting.

 

1 hour ago, Rookie said:

I blame COVID fall out.

Oh that's a really good point. It feels so long ago, but it really isn't.

[Harriet]

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Sorry I completely fail to see how lying and saying aww to a gross chocolate covered child is in any way related to caring or not caring about them. ?‍♀️There are many ways to care, don’t see the need to faking one of them.

 

I don't think I'm faking. I'm choosing to show care in something others care about, even though I wouldn't care about it if I didn't care about them. We don't have to do it the same way, though. And again, I don't get many kid photos. Now holiday photos are different. People will show you hundreds, if you let them. You have to stop them. You have to stop them or it will go on forever.

 

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Is that not what they call midlife crisis? ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where do you want to be? And why?

 

...I cannot separate the quote. I don't think mine is a midlife crisis. I think I'm struggling with a severe disability that prevents me from doing about 90% of what I would care about if I weren't exhausted, and I am trying to find meaning and keep going after decades of this. I guess it could be a midlife crisis in the sense that it feels more devastating the more of my life I see behind me, wasted.

I want to be here:

 

Spoiler

 

On my pinterest page I have about a million pictures that are heartbreakingly beautiful in different ways.

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Sorry forgot to reply to this! In this case it was for performance reasons and I wouldn't say it was calm. There's a lot of sensation in a very deep stretch so it was more about staying attentive and not freak out despite discomfort. I think that can be good for mental health too but in a different way. (There's some weird emotional shit happening with stretching.) But I absolutely believe movement can be very effective for mental health maintenance! (I mean besides exercise which is well documented but a different category) Personally I love rolling around on the floor exercises. Juicy pandiculation could be excellent for this. In general exercises that incorporate breathing. Yoga in its original form is more of a spiritual/mental practice and not a physical/relaxation practice, could find something there. Walking meditations are a thing. Walking has additional benefits but for this purpose I think many repetitive movements could fit the bill and be both soothing and connecting.

 

 

How does one do yoga spiritually, and what the flip is juicy pandiculation?

 

2 hours ago, Rookie said:

I can only speak to my personal situation. I thought I was unaffected by COVID isolation however that was not the case and by time I realized it I was a bit depressed and found out I was losing my job and I had to move my horse to new barn for her health... I ended up losing my work and barn families basically within a month of each other.  Then I stopped doing my hobbies and living in a constant state of anxiety, fear of not being able to get another job yet still needing to spend money I didn't have, feeling left behind from old barn family, not being able to connect with new barn family. A bunch of things lol. 

 

I blame COVID fall out. People feeling unsupported and isolated. people were given time to evaluate their lives.  And possibly midlife crisis as well for some.

Oh gosh, that sounds rough. Are you a little more stable now or still making your way through?

[Rookie]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

Oh gosh, that sounds rough. Are you a little more stable now or still making your way through?

Yes and no. The anxiety of the money issues are gone now that I have a job. However the dissatisfaction with myself, the lack of connections and the being comfortable although displeased with doing nothing are still there. I feel I'm on the verge of a breakthrough yet I've been here for awhile. I'm considering therapy. I keep thinking about who I want to be and the life I want but it feels like that person or that life is out of my reach. What if I get it but it's actually not for me which is silly because then you just try something else but it's knowing the amount of effort and work it will all take. I find it overwhelming. 

 

Edit to add: that art you shared is beautiful. The 3rd really spoke to me

[Harriet]

Did stretching last night. Meditation today. Will do stretching now. Feeling very low.

[Everstorm]

 

Stretch

[Ranger Hal]

8 hours ago, Rookie said:

I thought I was unaffected by COVID isolation however that was not the case

This is what I've been discovering about myself over the last year. For me, I think the problem is that even though most things have gone back to normal (which makes it feel like I should be normal as well), a couple of my in-person communities either disappeared or are very different from what they used to be and I haven't found new communities that fill the holes yet.

[sarakingdom]

3 minutes ago, Ranger Hal said:

This is what I've been discovering about myself over the last year. For me, I think the problem is that even though most things have gone back to normal (which makes it feel like I should be normal as well), a couple of my in-person communities either disappeared or are very different from what they used to be and I haven't found new communities that fill the holes yet.

 

Whether directly covid-related or the various life changes that occurred incorrectly because of it, I'm noticing the loss of community as well.

[Rookie]

3 hours ago, Harriet said:

Did stretching last night. Meditation today. Will do stretching now. Feeling very low.

I hope you find comfort tonight