[Mad Hatter]

Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's hanging out with old people and not wanting to be like them. Or maybe it's the 18 month work break and finally recovering. But I feel like it might just be ready to challenge again! 🤯

 

 

My first keystone goal is to care of my sanity. I'm staying with my grandma who has Alzheimer's and it gets tiring. Her mood swings make me tense and her behaviors make me sad. Acknowledge this instead of hiding away in easy entertainment and then 4 days later wonder why I'm incapacitated after doing nothing.

 

For this movement is key. I'm currently doing floor flow training and while some of it is technical, a lot of it touches on how to change state to easier get into flow. It's super interesting and the techniques and movements have been really helpful in connecting with how I feel and what I need, especially when combined with music. I've tried journaling and mindfulness and meditation in the past but it's never done anything for me, so discovering this is pretty cool.

 

This ties in with my second goal, which is to do the homework as I'm terribly behind. Some of it I've done but haven't submitted because it requires minor video editing that I've been procrastinating. And some I've been procrastinating because it requires me to apply more... process for lack of a better word and it feels weird.

 

One thing that's come up multiple times in the course Q&A sessions is what to do when things don't feel good. It can be physical niggles, or uncomfortable emotions coming up, or fatigue that's surfacing. And the answer's always a variation of approaching the resistance with curiosity and focus on feeling what is really happening in the body, rather than judgement or instantly trying to fix it or suppress it. I feel there's a life lesson here. And it's one I want to try and apply to art, where I have huge amounts of resistance to getting started but once I'm in it I'm happy.  

 

Goal 1a  - Go to the gym every morning.* I was never a gym person, but in my current situation it's become a welcome escape, so I want to try going near daily, as an experiment.

 

At the gym do a check in and decide what my body needs. More flow, more oomph (lifting), more play (handstands, using the gym equipment "wrong"...).

 

*Unless I have other plans, go play outside, the weather's really bad or I really, really don't wanna. 

 

Goal 1b - Learn to love the lifting. Do the thing FFS as @sylph so eloquently put it.

 

Goal 2 - Do all the things! Yes this is my goal, shut up. 😛 

 

• Floor training homework
• Website for mum
• Dissect mouse before someone finds it in the freezer
• Secret art related project
• Try out the local pole studios
• Finish leather bag
• Read a book
• Get a haircut my shaved part has grown so long it's starting to curl and it looks ridiculous
• Taxes
• Other money things

 

Goal 3 - Finish BG3 (taking a note from @WhiteGhost here, and accepting that it will suck up my time until I'm done)

 

Goal 4 - Let myself get as invested in art as in video games. I really want a more or less daily creative practice. 

 

Goal 5 - Show up here!!

 

To help with this I'm going to try something of a routine. A baby step, experimental one as my track record with routines is... not great. Use my movement tools to face the Resistance.

 

Am coffee, NF and deciding what on my to-do list I'd like to do today. Perhaps prep it so it's ready to go in the afternoon.

Go to gym. Set an alarm to leave before 10-11 (?) in case I get distracted by stuff.

Set another alarm for 13-14 (?) in case I still haven't started doing *a* thing.

Have a bit of quiet floor time just after my grandma's gone to bed to shake off the day.

Art will probably go under *a* thing, or maybe I'll add a separate block or... we'll figure it out.

 

I won't start this "routine" yet, now it's easter and everything's closed, and then my mum will come to visit. But I'm going to do my best this challenge. (Uggh that felt awfully committing to write)

 

Now to the gym before it closes!

[sylph]

Here for gymming and all the things.

 

Happy that you're back, Hatter.

[WhiteGhost]

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Dissect mouse before someone finds it in the freezer

Probably easier to dissect when not frozen, but they don't seem to last quite as long.  Maybe a jar of formaldehyde?    

 

Enjoy your game time!  I have been waffling about getting BG3 but I have so many other games in my queue that I feel like I wouldn't ever get to it

[Harriet]

Good luck with All The Things! Throw them all at the wall, and some shall stick!

[Mad Hatter]

4 hours ago, sylph said:

Here for gymming and all the things.

 

Happy that you're back, Hatter.

Thanks! I'm a little nervous because I've been failing for so long.

 

1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

Probably easier to dissect when not frozen, but they don't seem to last quite as long.  Maybe a jar of formaldehyde?    

 

Enjoy your game time!  I have been waffling about getting BG3 but I have so many other games in my queue that I feel like I wouldn't ever get to it

Yes it will be thawed, but I didn't want it to leave it out before I'm ready. For obvious reasons. 😄

 

Thank you! It's been very fun. Just a few more quests now. Though the last battle was so epic and campy that it feels like it could already be an ending.

 

30 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Good luck with All The Things! Throw them all at the wall, and some shall stick!

It will be one messy wall. 😄

[Everstorm]

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

And the answer's always a variation of approaching the resistance with curiosity and focus on feeling what is really happening in the body, rather than judgement or instantly trying to fix it or suppress it. I feel there's a life lesson here. And it's one I want to try and apply to art, where I have huge amounts of resistance to getting started but once I'm in it I'm happy.  

Yes to this, fitness, art, all of it.

 

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Do all the things! Yes this is my goal, shut up. 😛

Do all the everything forever!

[Mad Hatter]

I went to the gym. I did weird things. Some things I did:

•  A few of the hardest lunges ever. Bodyweight but going reeaaaaal slow and with as much tension as I could generate. This was to stretch my hips and quads and make things work.
• Fan leg variations lying down on the floor doing them with maximum hip work and then with minimal hip work.
• I felt very unfocused, so I set a challenge to myself. The challenge was to let my head lead and chasing the head/gaze with my body for a whole song. This unexpectedly made me do a lot of rolls. A LOT of rolls. It was very fun. And then I felt very sick. 😄Maybe coffee and soft serve was not the best pre workout. But it was such a beautiful sunny day and the ice cream was sprinkled with with popping candy so YOLO.
• Some bench and rows. Mental struggle as always.
• Forgot that I was feeling sick and started swinging around the loaded barbell around and playing with inertia/momentum. Then I felt sick again.

This evening I have a flow class so that will be my thing.

[Mad Hatter]

8 minutes ago, Everstorm said:

Yes to this, fitness, art, all of it.

 

Do all the everything forever!

YES ALL THE THINGS, NO PLAN ALL THINGS!

[Elastigirl]

Sounds like some fun (but dizzy) movement practice.

[WhiteGhost]

15 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Maybe coffee and soft serve was not the best pre workout

Yeah, doesn't sound optimal.  I learned the hard way that Doritos are also not a great pre-workout, especially if doing a lot of cardio like a long run

[Mad Hatter]

21 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Sounds like some fun (but dizzy) movement practice.

Rolls typically don't make me dizzy. The only rolls that make me dizzy is a forward roll variant that you can easily link up and they become faster and faster and faster until you die. Hilarious, I love them!

 

8 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Yeah, doesn't sound optimal.  I learned the hard way that Doritos are also not a great pre-workout, especially if doing a lot of cardio like a long run

Oh god no. 🤮

[Mad Hatter]

Today... was a start. In the morning I set a gym alarm for 10:45, but felt extremely unfocused and couldn't decide what to do and felt physically paralyzed. So I wrote down all the points of Resistance - Do I go to the gym now? (But I just showered... And pants hurt my skin...) Do I go to my other grandma? She made a cake. I hate going there, but guilt. What art or todo do I want to make later?

 

In the end I tried to get my grandma to leave the house because it was the "right" thing to do. But then she refused and got irritated at me so I left the house for the gym. Because I didn't want to be like her. Perhaps not the best motivator but hey it did make me leave the house.

 

Surprisingly, I had an amazing session! 😍 Positively delicious. I came in and felt that today might be a handstand day. Up until now I've only sprinkled in a few handstands here and there, this was my first session in a year or three focusing on them. But I approached them in a completely different way. It's very easy to get very obsessive with handstands, trying over and over and over again, standing in a corner of the room staring at exactly the same spot on the floor. Today I did a few things differently, to start learning how to add flow and improve movement quality: 

 

- Between each handstand attempt I'd walk around the room, listening to a delightful soul playlist, dancing around and doing yummy, grindy blues movements, hip circles and body waves. (Favorite strength challenge of the day was to do hip circles and see how low I could go while keeping the movement smooth. My poor quads! 😄)

- I didn't come to a full stop before attempting the handstand, instead I was mindful of how I placed my hands down on the floor, moving softly and only pushing when I needed to push.

- Every time I fell out of the handstand I tried to use the momentum of the fall to do something else, like a roll or a spin, instead of jerkily stopping and going straight to the next attempt.

- No camera to get obsessed about form. Feeling what my body is doing but without correcting everything straight away.

 

I'm still extremely limited in how I enter the handstand, and I still can't help counting once I'm in it (curious if this is an ego thing or a focus thing) and my exits are far from smooth. But this felt SO good. And it allowed me to work on handstands for a lot longer as my strength endurance is very poor. I was beaming the whole way back. It was so warm and sunny I stayed out for a bit longer, sitting on a bench, listening to music, enjoying myself.

 

In the evening I did a bit of art but it was really hard and I used up my focus juice very quickly. Brush pens are tricky yo. They require soooo much control. And inking an iguana with very few pencil guides is not a good noob project. It was fun, but I didn't last very long. 

[Mad Hatter]

Garbage day is garbage. I had to go to grandma B for breakfast, first my Alzheimer's grandma A got pissed at me because I didn't want to leave early. When we got there was shouting because grandma B kept piling on food when A didn't want to eat, granddad who usually is out of the house at that time made it all worse, there's shouting from three direction and I'm going insane and the music I'm secretly playing is not enough to dissociate. Yes this is my way of coping.

 

We get back and while I'm still frazzled my aunt calls and tells me I need to go be social again tomorrow and I'm so fed up and in people hating mode I get into an argument with her. I leave the house to cool down and for angry handstands, but my grandma's carer calls because A won't open so I have to go back. Then A gets pissed again because of the carer and asks me why the hell she's in the house and I tell her straight that it's because the doctor says so and then she gets upset and starts crying. I know she's sick, and confused and there's a lot of emotions, but I just don't have the patience when frankly she's being a bitch. Her other carer is so good with her, and laughs off everything, and I feel like a complete asshole because I can't be like that. 

 

I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling of simmering anger, besides blowing up in someone's face. My movement tools are not helpful in this situation, slow breathing makes me angrier. 

[sarakingdom]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Her other carer is so good with her, and laughs off everything, and I feel like a complete asshole because I can't be like that. 

 

It's personal to you in a way it isn't to other carers. And it's also not a career you chose, the way it is for them, but something you have to do regardless of choice or aptitude. It would be surprising if you were able to be as detached.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Then A gets pissed again because of the carer and asks me why the hell she's in the house and I tell her straight that it's because the doctor says so and then she gets upset and starts crying. I know she's sick, and confused and there's a lot of emotions

 

There is, I think, an art (and possibly even a professional discussion) about the right lies to tell to dementia patients to keep the world from overwhelming them. It doesn't come naturally to me, because I always want to get through to people with the truth, but apparently sometimes the expert advice is to not shake the fantasy world that gives them security. In the same way that a drunk person can't sober up and think straight from being reasoned with, a dementia patient can't be unconfused by going through the facts with them, and the job is keeping them calm and not in pain in their world, rather than bringing them back to the real world. I don't know the right way to do it and can't give advice (and it is of course a lot harder when you need to persuade them to actually do something in the process), but it gave me a lot to think about, thinking back to past interactions with relatives, to realize I was actually supposed to lie to them, not correct them.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling of simmering anger, besides blowing up in someone's face. My movement tools are not helpful in this situation, slow breathing makes me angrier. 

 

Ugh, the worst. Try action movies. Other people's big dramatic problems (preferably done with all the realism of a comic book) can be very distracting, vicarious conflict can be very cathartic, and with none of the pressure of being mature or controlled or making an effort.

 

 

(Or sleep. Sometimes it's just better to reboot the brain entirely, with a little recharge time to replace exhausted resources. It's probably burning through a ton of energy with all this.)

[Everstorm]

I can sympathize with family drama, but unfortunately I have no words of wisdom to share.  I have so much respect for you for being there for your grandmother through this.

[Jarric]

On 3/29/2024 at 12:11 PM, Mad Hatter said:

My first keystone goal is to care of my sanity. I'm staying with my grandma who has Alzheimer's and it gets tiring. Her mood swings make me tense and her behaviors make me sad.

 

Sorry to hear about your grandma, that sucks. My Dad has dementia - it's different in that I don't live with him, and everyone's situation is different anyway, but I sympathise. If you want to talk about it, feel free to drop me a line.

 

On 3/30/2024 at 6:10 PM, Mad Hatter said:

- I didn't come to a full stop before attempting the handstand, instead I was mindful of how I placed my hands down on the floor, moving softly and only pushing when I needed to push.

 

Most of the fun things you did would look really weird in my Crossfit gym, but I might have to have a play with this one.

 

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Her other carer is so good with her, and laughs off everything, and I feel like a complete asshole because I can't be like that. 

 

Your feelings are valid, and you can't help how you feel about this. Someone different reacting differently does not make your reaction any less reasonable.

 

I don't have any advice on how to stop being angry, if that's what you want to do. You're in a horrible situation and it's reasonable to be angry about that.

[Mad Hatter]

On 3/31/2024 at 10:24 PM, sarakingdom said:

It's personal to you in a way it isn't to other carers. And it's also not a career you chose, the way it is for them, but something you have to do regardless of choice or aptitude. It would be surprising if you were able to be as detached.

Yeah logically I know it doesn't make sense, but it's still there. 

 

On 3/31/2024 at 10:24 PM, sarakingdom said:

There is, I think, an art (and possibly even a professional discussion) about the right lies to tell to dementia patients to keep the world from overwhelming them. It doesn't come naturally to me, because I always want to get through to people with the truth, but apparently sometimes the expert advice is to not shake the fantasy world that gives them security. In the same way that a drunk person can't sober up and think straight from being reasoned with, a dementia patient can't be unconfused by going through the facts with them, and the job is keeping them calm and not in pain in their world, rather than bringing them back to the real world. I don't know the right way to do it and can't give advice (and it is of course a lot harder when you need to persuade them to actually do something in the process), but it gave me a lot to think about, thinking back to past interactions with relatives, to realize I was actually supposed to lie to them, not correct them.

This is what the two good carers have been doing, but it's really hard and unnatural for me to do! So I usually just stay out of it. I don't shake her out of her fantasy, but I don't indulge her either. I just can't bring myself to say there's more people in the house, or agree that someone's stolen her things when she's hidden them away herself... But correcting here really doesn't work. I still do it despite knowing better, especially when I run out of patience, but it's an exercise in futility. Even if she'd have a brief moment of understanding reason, she's going to forget the next second anyway.

 

On 3/31/2024 at 10:24 PM, sarakingdom said:

Ugh, the worst. Try action movies. Other people's big dramatic problems (preferably done with all the realism of a comic book) can be very distracting, vicarious conflict can be very cathartic, and with none of the pressure of being mature or controlled or making an effort.

Yep. I distracted myself with BG3!

 

On 3/31/2024 at 10:24 PM, sarakingdom said:

(Or sleep. Sometimes it's just better to reboot the brain entirely, with a little recharge time to replace exhausted resources. It's probably burning through a ton of energy with all this.)

This too! At 4 am but hey eventually I got tired enough.  

 

On 3/31/2024 at 10:39 PM, Everstorm said:

I can sympathize with family drama, but unfortunately I have no words of wisdom to share.  I have so much respect for you for being there for your grandmother through this.

Appreciate it! No words of wisdom required, it's an impossible situation.

 

On 3/31/2024 at 11:40 PM, Jarric said:

Sorry to hear about your grandma, that sucks. My Dad has dementia - it's different in that I don't live with him, and everyone's situation is different anyway, but I sympathise. If you want to talk about it, feel free to drop me a line.

I'm sorry about your dad, that's awful. And thanks, appreciate it lots!

 

On 3/31/2024 at 11:40 PM, Jarric said:

Most of the fun things you did would look really weird in my Crossfit gym, but I might have to have a play with this one.

In almost any gym.  It brings me joy to weird people out.

 

On 3/31/2024 at 11:40 PM, Jarric said:

Your feelings are valid, and you can't help how you feel about this. Someone different reacting differently does not make your reaction any less reasonable.

 

I don't have any advice on how to stop being angry, if that's what you want to do. You're in a horrible situation and it's reasonable to be angry about that.

Thanks for the reminder. I know this in theory but the reminders are helpful.

[Mad Hatter]

I finally finished BG3! It was awesome. I also stayed up until 4 am and am still nursing what feels like a hangover. Or what I imagine hangovers feel like, I don't really get them. Anyways I loved it, but I have to say that the final fight was nowhere near as epic as the entirely optional side quest. I don't play a lot of big games so I confirmed the epicness of that battle with reddit and indeed it's not just me. 

 

Yesterday I went for a walk with my parents who just flew in and I managed a whole outing without getting into a fight with my dad! Curious. Not that I'm complaining. 

 

I also went to the gym, but wasn't feeling anything except rolling on the floor. I played with one of the homework assignments, which was to create a movement loop with three positions or movements. I chose a fixed pathway loop of sprawling on my back, into a lung and roll out and playing with ways of moving through them. I didn't actually remember to film it so it doesn't count as homework, but I had a good time. I also experimented with side shoulder stands, which feel like they should be relatively easy but the balance is kinda funky. Now my shoulders are bruised.

 

Today I should go to the gym but I'm enjoying the peace with everyone out of the house too much, so later I'm going to walk into town instead and surprise my mum.

 

[Harriet]

It's nice that you're just trying stuff out at the gym and focusing on what interests you. And I'm sorry the grandma situation is so hard. 

[sylph]

How are things? Still getting along reasonably with your parents?

[Mad Hatter]

On 4/3/2024 at 5:40 PM, Harriet said:

It's nice that you're just trying stuff out at the gym and focusing on what interests you. And I'm sorry the grandma situation is so hard. 

It's ok, I'm choosing to be here. (Not that not paying rent has anything to do with it, noooo not at all 😛)

 

On 4/6/2024 at 3:18 PM, sylph said:

How are things? Still getting along reasonably with your parents?

Surprisingly yes! Not a single big fight, not even any major heated discussion. Very pleasant change. 

[Mad Hatter]

Alright, my parents have left and I'm back! It's been busy, but good. Even if my grandma didn't quite understand who my mum is, all the novelty and activity was really good for her and she's in a much better mood. Really hope it will last a while. My own activities have been mostly on hold, and the things I did I can't remember. So not much of an update.

 

Does anyone know if allergies can cause like a next day hangover feel? I feel like garbage today and the only thing that happened yesterday was that I spent a lot of time outside. Otherwise I slept well (I think), didn't overexert myself at the gym etc... It's happened a few times recently. But the only otherwise allergy-like symptoms I get is sneezing a few times and mildly itchy eyes. Had I been freediving I'd say my sinuses are a bit stuffy too, but it's really nothing.

[Harriet]

4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Alright, my parents have left and I'm back! It's been busy, but good. Even if my grandma didn't quite understand who my mum is, all the novelty and activity was really good for her and she's in a much better mood. Really hope it will last a while. My own activities have been mostly on hold, and the things I did I can't remember. So not much of an update.

 

That's nice that she got some benefit from it.

 

4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Does anyone know if allergies can cause like a next day hangover feel? I feel like garbage today and the only thing that happened yesterday was that I spent a lot of time outside. Otherwise I slept well (I think), didn't overexert myself at the gym etc... It's happened a few times recently. But the only otherwise allergy-like symptoms I get is sneezing a few times and mildly itchy eyes. Had I been freediving I'd say my sinuses are a bit stuffy too, but it's really nothing.

 

I think histamines can do loads of things. Very mysterious things they are.

[Mad Hatter]

On 4/10/2024 at 5:15 PM, Harriet said:

I think histamines can do loads of things. Very mysterious things they are.

Tricksy too.

 

Oh no it's been many days since posting! I don't know what happened. Mostly shame spirals for various reasons. My brain is a trash pile. I've been distracting myself a lot with puzzles and cartoons which is not good. And by finding alternative tasks to avoid the things I need to do. Or by hanging out outside. The weather's been gorgeous so that part's been nice. I got a hula hoop to play with! And I got a cute bike for my birthday, but I'm missing a tool to put it together, so I still haven't tried it out and now the sun's gone. Boo. I've only been to the gym twice, mostly doing handstands. I'm feeling a lot more obsessive and less flowy, but at the same time I have a lot of restless, scattered energy and I don't know what to do with it and everything's a mess. 

 

This week I'm going to try and not let my brain get in the way so much. Ignore the thoughts by doing.

[Harriet]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Tricksy too.

 

Oh no it's been many days since posting! I don't know what happened. Mostly shame spirals for various reasons. My brain is a trash pile. I've been distracting myself a lot with puzzles and cartoons which is not good. And by finding alternative tasks to avoid the things I need to do. Or by hanging out outside. The weather's been gorgeous so that part's been nice. I got a hula hoop to play with! And I got a cute bike for my birthday, but I'm missing a tool to put it together, so I still haven't tried it out and now the sun's gone. Boo. I've only been to the gym twice, mostly doing handstands. I'm feeling a lot more obsessive and less flowy, but at the same time I have a lot of restless, scattered energy and I don't know what to do with it and everything's a mess. 

 

This week I'm going to try and not let my brain get in the way so much. Ignore the thoughts by doing.

 

Sorry about the scatter mind. I hate being in that state. I hope the scatterfog lifts and you get to focus on some satisfying stuff. Don't be ashamed, it drains your mental energy.