[DrFeelgood]

Here we go again.  Last year's installment was good for a drop of 25 lbs, and that's about what I'd like to drop this year too.

• DRINK:  one Dr Pepper each morning.
• EAT:  nutritous meals at Lunch and Dinner, no junk snacks, do not exceed 1800 kcal per day.
• MOVE:  at least 20 minutes of continuous exercise three times per week, M-W-F.  Walking and stretching have priority, I'll probably attempt a strength session here or there, and this is the time of year where I can usually walk a few golf holes after work.

Feel free to not follow; I'm probably not going to be able to keep up with anyone else, and I won't update all that regularly either.

[DrFeelgood]

[Ranger Hal]

7 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

Feel free to not follow; I'm probably not going to be able to keep up with anyone else, and I won't update all that regularly either.

No worries, we'll be here when you do get a chance to update!

[Snarkyfishguts]

9 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

Feel free to not follow; I'm probably not going to be able to keep up with anyone else, and I won't update all that regularly either

 
no following. Got it. Pay no attention to over here. 

 
 

Nononono! PAY NO ATTENTION. There is no one following. Or lurking. 

 

you do you friend. I’ll just be over here. Minding my own business.

[Shello]

Not following but I’ll still be here when you get around to updating.  I’m sure there’s another word for that. 
 

 

[TimovieMan]

On 9/8/2024 at 3:42 PM, DrFeelgood said:

Feel free to not follow

[DrFeelgood]

Trying to break the ice-cream cycle with a couple of OMAD days, so far it's working well.  I haven't been at all inclined to exercise, but I think I'm going to build myself a home gym now that the kids don't need the front room for their homeschool work anymore.  The treadmill is already in there anyway, so I'll move everything else out and build a platform for a rack.  I'm thinking about one of these  https://valorfitness.com/products/half-rack-w-plate-storage-multi-grip-pull-up-station-bd-58 with a bench, barbells, plates, and all the accoutrements.  Might as well work on my physical strength while I'm streaming sermon series in the evening.

 

My griefshare group has met twice.  I'm not thrilled to be there, but it does seem to be helping.  Life is mostly work, cooking, cleaning, checking in with the boys and keeping them on top of their school work, projects if I can fit them in (currently building a pair of speaker stands for my desk after upgrading my PC setup), Bible study, prayer, sleep--rinse and repeat.  Weekends are getting caught up around the house, shopping trips, and church stuff.  I'm taking care of business but I can't remember the last time I laughed or even smiled.  I've been lonely in the past--this is something else entirely.  Today is two months since my Amber died, and I miss her every minute of every hour of every day.  Beyond just being a wonderful person to know she was my one and only, and I was hers.  That's never not going to hurt, and I don't relish the thought of how many more thousands of days I might have ahead of me without her.  Best I can do is try to make each one count for something that matters--thank God I have Boomer and Butch for that right now.  Bubbles is coming home for a visit this weekend, and I'm looking forward to seeing her.  I'm taking tomorrow to drive Brick to the 6-month follow-up for his ACL reconstruction.  It's nice to be able to continue Amber's work and take good care of the family we built together.

[Ranger Hal]

It's good to hear from you. You and your family are still on my prayer list.

[DrFeelgood]

OMAD was tough and the results were weak.  I haven't really been counting anyway, just estimating and probably not that accurately.  Last weekend was nice with all the kids home.  This week I did nothing.  I'm tired and I don't care.

 

I still trust that God knows what He's doing.  It'll be worth it in the end, but the interim is awful, and I don't want to do it anymore.

[Elastigirl]

On 9/18/2024 at 8:39 PM, DrFeelgood said:

It's nice to be able to continue Amber's work and take good care of the family we built together.

That is a wonderful way to honor her

[StarRuby]

On 9/8/2024 at 8:42 AM, DrFeelgood said:

This chart buttered my bread in the best of possible ways. I'm definitely following this thread!

 

You don't have to update on the regular, you just seem like a cool dude who is doin' his best. 

[Shello]

Glad you had a good time with all the kids home.  Finding those treasured moments is more important now than ever.  

[DrFeelgood]

I made some pretty killer tacos for dinner tonight:  chorizo, sweet potatoes, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and pepper jack cheese on steamed white-corn tortillas.  The boys were effusive with their praise.

 

October is here and funds are available so I'm getting ready to buy and build my home gym.  Turns out the room is a foot narrower than I thought, which doesn't save me any money on flooring, but I'm looking at a different rack which will take up less space at around one-third the price of the one I was previously considering.  I'd like to be clanking weights here by the end of the month.

[DrFeelgood]

 

Here's the front room I'm transforming into my home gym.  The treadmill has been there (not in that orientation) since we moved in, but I've cleared out most of the homeschool stuff.  Just gotta find new homes for the remaining office items and see if anyone wants to buy this table and chairs.  We bought them on Craigslist in 2010 and have gotten more than our $150 out of them; even though I had to refinish the top a few years ago.  The rug can go away, too--maybe Brick will want it for his college dorm room.  The light fixture is new this year, but I might need to raise it a foot or so.  And because I have a spreadsheet for everything:

 

 

When I got home from work I pulled the trigger on all my gear purchases (and some new lids for my Pyrex containers).  $1,500 later and now begins the waiting for pacakages to start arriving (my delivery drivers are going to hate me).  But I did go to my local Dick's to pick up the weights, which includes a cheapie barbell and a full set of iron plates.  I've got a better barbell coming from Titan along with my rack.  Since I had the new bar and the house to myself this evening I went ahead and did a 5x5 of unloaded bent-rows, overhead presses, and back squats.  I can't believe how much better I already feel from just the one workout--it's good to touch iron (well, chrome-plated steel) again.

 

The plan is to loose-lay the rubber flooring directly over the existing wood (cheapest crap engineered hardwood I've ever seen--previous owner put it in before selling) and mount the rack to the center of that left wall.  It's going to be pretty nice when it's done.  I considered putting it the garage, but I'd rather have the high ceiling and the air conditioning, plus the garage is always covered in sawdust.  This was my intent for the house even before I lost Amber, and the goal was always to make it nice and maybe get her training with me.  That wasn't to be, but I'm going to press on.  It'll be nice to have a dedicated space where I can keep working on Lean and Strong.  I'll be interested in seeing just how well this rig supports my goals.

[DrFeelgood]

 

Progress being made.  Next up is to assemble the rack so I can see if I need to reinforce the wall where it will be mounted.  I also don't like the barbells in that weight tree, so I'm going to figure out a better storage solution for them.  My house smells a bit like a (clean) tire shop at the moment, but it should dissipate fairly quickly.  I need to get this up and running so I can start building a sustainable routine and reverse this grief bulk.

 

On that front I suppose I'm having a few more good moments in and amongst the relentless utter crushing depression.  I really wish I had some friends--maybe the home gym will encourage someone to come over and hang out with me without trying to have a conversation in which they will invariably say something unwittingly stupid.  Today is 12 weeks since Amber passed, and I spent the last few hours in tears.  My GriefShare group and my online support group are predominantly older widows, and the groups aren't as helpful now as they were initially.  Last weekend was nice; I played a worship set (my first return to music since May) at a Saturday-night fundraiser for a local homeless ministry, and I'm going to get more involved with their work.  Rehearsals were especially refreshing just to play and worship with a team of people I enjoy and who had no expectations of me.  The event itself was fine but isolating--on top of being alone at a table of couples it was also a dinner that I couldn't touch (thank you, celiac, for making me the outcast again).  Sunday evening I made the mistake of trying to take care of some things at the house, and in the process of organizing my bathroom I went ahead and threw away her toothbrush.  That knocked me right back down and I've been hovering here all week.  In fact I took the rest of the week off work because I don't want to be there.  At least I'm getting a few things done, but it's not really out of any kind of desire for anything at all.  It's just something to do that probably won't spawn future regrets.

 

I really wish I had something more positive for you all--some gifted word of encouragement or praise for God's provision in the midst of this storm.  He has chosen to remain silent lately and let me test my faith without His voice or overt activity to reassure me.  I'm sure I'm not doing it right (too much reliance on food comforts, and "food" is being generous since it's mostly Dr Pepper, ice cream, and candy) but I'm not giving up...at least not any further than I already have.  I still trust Him, even when I suck at it.

[Shello]

8 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

but I'm not giving up..

I don't think there is a 'right' way to do what you are doing but I'm sure if there is, this part is key.  

[Whisper]

8 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

Last weekend was nice; I played a worship set (my first return to music since May)

Happy you could play. I know making music in worship helps me feel more connected to the divine than anything else.

 

 

8 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

I really wish I had something more positive for you all--some gifted word of encouragement or praise for God's provision in the midst of this storm.  He has chosen to remain silent lately and let me test my faith without His voice or overt activity to reassure me. 

Last week, while having lunch with some of my faith parents, we were discussing some books and God on Mute came up.  I ordered a copy but haven't started it yet. I just thought it might fit your current situation. 

[Elastigirl]

16 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

I really wish I had something more positive for you all--some gifted word of encouragement or praise for God's provision in the midst of this storm.  He has chosen to remain silent lately and let me test my faith without His voice or overt activity to reassure me.  I'm sure I'm not doing it right (too much reliance on food comforts, and "food" is being generous since it's mostly Dr Pepper, ice cream, and candy) but I'm not giving up...at least not any further than I already have.  I still trust Him, even when I suck at it.

Agreeing with Shello, I don't know it there is any right way. I think your last part says it a;; "I still trust Him ,even when I suck at it"  Your trust isn't based on your feelings. And be reassured that God still Has you and even if you don't feel HIm, he loves you and will not let you go.

[DrFeelgood]

11 hours ago, Shello said:

I don't think there is a 'right' way to do what you are doing but I'm sure if there is, this part is key.  

If there are wrong ways--and there are plenty--then there are right ways.  I'm doing what I can and relying on grace for the rest, I guess.

 

10 hours ago, Whisper said:

Happy you could play. I know making music in worship helps me feel more connected to the divine than anything else.

I enjoy leading God's people to the foot of His throne in worship, and it was good to join with other musicians again for a worthy cause.

 

2 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Agreeing with Shello, I don't know it there is any right way. I think your last part says it a;; "I still trust Him ,even when I suck at it"  Your trust isn't based on your feelings. And be reassured that God still Has you and even if you don't feel HIm, he loves you and will not let you go.

Thanks.  I know and believe the promises, but I also know very well what it was like to be carried and this just ain't it.  God has something planned, I'm sure.  All I can do right now is wait for Him to reveal it, and that's probably a little more out of spite than faith.  No matter what else He takes from me I'm not going to deny Him, and I'm going to try to keep serving Him and His people as much as I can.  But I can't seem to escape the thought that this is His doing--all of the other grievers I've come to know in recent weeks, every single one of them, someone was responsible for what happened.  Either someone made a choice (or lifelong series of choices) that led to that outcome, or it was just the expected death of a person who was 'full of years'.  God can be a solace to them because He stands apart from their brokenness.  Well in my case there's nobody/nothing else I can point to for Amber's illness and death.  One of the unwittingly stupid things someone said to me is that it's just the consequence of living in a fallen world.  God easily shields us from that all the time.  Also, we make choices every day that mitigate those worldly consequences, and Amber and I made all of the right and good and true ones.  In terms of exposure risks, I should've had five cancers before she ever got one, let alone the crazy metastatic thing that killed her.  Moreover, the Bible says that you reap what you sow; well neither of us ever sowed disease and sorrow and death and brokenness.  Together we sowed peace and honor and love and steadfast faithfulness.  We were a light to the world, but He took the flame to be with Him and left me a puddle of burnt-out wax.  How can this possibly be for the good?

 

I'm ranting, I know.  God hasn't answered me, and I don't know that I would accept anything anyone else has to say on the subject right now unless he's BTDT (I'm still actively trying to find some help in that regard).  I grasp in my brain that God is taking care of me, in the sense that He's captaining the ship, but my everything else feels so abjectly alone that it's frequently difficult to even breathe through the tears.  I know that He cares, but I don't feel it, so the knowledge itself is (very) small comfort.  It is, however, good for perseverence, and if that's all that He wants from the rest of my life then so be it.  I yield.  I can't know what He knows.

_______________________________________________

 

W5D6 - I did some deadlifts earlier today, for the first time in years.  I enjoyed them a lot (my shins did not so much).  My food choices didn't suck.  I took Butch to hit a bucket of golf balls this morning, and the weather was lovely.  I drank too many Dr Peppers, but not nearly as many as I have been lately.  My home gym is going to be a good thing for me, I think.  The rack is going to require a little more structural work to get properly installed, but hopefully I can take care of that over the long weekend ahead.  Here's to keeping on.

[Elastigirl]

Just know we are here for you , ready to listen and praying.

[DrFeelgood]

+8.8 lbs over the last six weeks--not where I want to be.  The rate finally slowed in the final week, and since I touched barbells again I'm willing to count the 0.3 increase as Gainz™.  Plus I grilled huge ribeyes for dinner last night and served them with massive baked potatoes, so this morning's number is literally beefed up.

 

Fitness Fall™ was a bust, but since the weather was still summer (> 90ºF) for the whole challenge why don't we just call it deferred until autumn actually arrives.  The temperature is supposed to drop 10ºF tomorrow and another 10ºF by Wednesday .  Challenge 24.08 starts today, same goals with a new twist--the home gym is almost ready.  See y'all after the forum gets rebooted.

[Snarkyfishguts]

2 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

+8.8 lbs over the last six weeks--not where I want to be.  The rate finally slowed in the final week, and since I touched barbells again I'm willing to count the 0.3 increase as Gainz™.  Plus I grilled huge ribeyes for dinner last night and served them with massive baked potatoes, so this morning's number is literally beefed up.

 

Fitness Fall™ was a bust, but since the weather was still summer (> 90ºF) for the whole challenge why don't we just call it deferred until autumn actually arrives.  The temperature is supposed to drop 10ºF tomorrow and another 10ºF by Wednesday .  Challenge 24.08 starts today, same goals with a new twist--the home gym is almost ready.  See y'all after the forum gets rebooted.

Fitness Fall™ Rescheduled sounds awesome and I am here for it. 
 

as for the rest, your grief is still very new. I hated it when people pushed me to be a certain way or told me platitudes and sayings  and bible verses when I wanted ANSWERS dammitall. Sounds like thats where you are. I suspect Fitness Fall will help, and I respect your plan.

[DrFeelgood]

24 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Sounds like thats where you are.

Not so much, but I appreciate the sentiment.  I crave the Bible, almost to the exclusion of everything else.  What I don't want is bobble-headed optimists who've never lost everything vomiting cliches at me, especially those who barely ever spoke to me when I was alive.  I definitely don't want answers; there aren't any, they wouldn't matter even if there were, and there are maybe two or three people on earth right now who could say anything at all to me that I wouldn't immediately reject out of hand--and none of them are likely to reach out.  Besides, I don't even have any questions:  if I could fully understand what God is up to then He wouldn't really be a God worthy of my worship.  He's bigger, stronger, smarter, faster, kinder, more patient, more loving, and holier than I could ever hope to be or even imagine.  I trust Him, based on what He's already revealed and what He's done for me in the past, and I'm content to leave it in His hands.  If additional knowledge provides comfort then He'll give it when I'm ready and not before.

 

It happened again at church this morning...  "Are you doing okay?"  "Nope."  "Is there anything I can do for you?"  "Nope."  The forty seconds you've spent thinking up something compassionate to say isn't even going to make a dent in the thoughts (let alone the feelings) I've been processing non-stop for every waking minute (and most of the sleeping ones) of the last five months.  I wish people would quit trying to coach/counsel (there is no "getting through" this) and just hang out with me.  Why is silence so hard for other people?

 

It seems like they are hoping to see a sugar-coated version of grief, maybe because that's their nearest experience with it or they think that will mean I'm recovering or whatever (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt).  There's no sugar-coating it:  this sucks.  Losing Amber is the worst thing I could have ever possibly imagined happening to me and the only thing in life I ever truly feared.  She and I were one flesh in every way the Bible says to be.  One minus one is zero, and this is what zero life looks like.  Additionally, the only person I can blame for it is entirely within His rights to do it, both as Creator of the Universe and as sovereign Lord of my life to whom I have willingly pledged and continue to pledge my unwavering allegiance.  I'll defend Him against anyone who thinks He was wrong to hurt me.  Then to top it all off I'm also endlessly and genuinely grateful that Amber was relieved of her pain and is now in paradise where I will eventually join her.  There aren't many people that really understand what this is like, not because I'm special but because the circumstances are rare.  I died when she did, but I don't get to move on.  I have to wait for my resurrection, and it's slow and painful and lonely.  It's not hopeless, but even that Hope doesn't negate sorrow; it just makes it bearable.  Some day I won't hate this but right now I do, and I hate that I hate it.  I'd prefer to be grateful again, but I struggle to get around my pain long enough to find things to be thankful for.  Maybe someone else could help me with a little perspective, but it would have to be someone with credibility.  That used to be Amber.  I don't have anyone else that I trust.

[Snarkyfishguts]

13 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

Not so much, but I appreciate the sentiment.  I crave the Bible, almost to the exclusion of everything else.  What I don't want is bobble-headed optimists who've never lost everything vomiting cliches at me, especially those who barely ever spoke to me when I was alive.  I definitely don't want answers; there aren't any, they wouldn't matter even if there were, and there are maybe two or three people on earth right now who could say anything at all to me that I wouldn't immediately reject out of hand--and none of them are likely to reach out.  Besides, I don't even have any questions:  if I could fully understand what God is up to then He wouldn't really be a God worthy of my worship.  He's bigger, stronger, smarter, faster, kinder, more patient, more loving, and holier than I could ever hope to be or even imagine.  I trust Him, based on what He's already revealed and what He's done for me in the past, and I'm content to leave it in His hands.  If additional knowledge provides comfort then He'll give it when I'm ready and not before.

 

It happened again at church this morning...  "Are you doing okay?"  "Nope."  "Is there anything I can do for you?"  "Nope."  The forty seconds you've spent thinking up something compassionate to say isn't even going to make a dent in the thoughts (let alone the feelings) I've been processing non-stop for every waking minute (and most of the sleeping ones) of the last five months.  I wish people would quit trying to coach/counsel (there is no "getting through" this) and just hang out with me.  Why is silence so hard for other people?

 

It seems like they are hoping to see a sugar-coated version of grief, maybe because that's their nearest experience with it or they think that will mean I'm recovering or whatever (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt).  There's no sugar-coating it:  this sucks.  Losing Amber is the worst thing I could have ever possibly imagined happening to me and the only thing in life I ever truly feared.  She and I were one flesh in every way the Bible says to be.  One minus one is zero, and this is what zero life looks like.  Additionally, the only person I can blame for it is entirely within His rights to do it, both as Creator of the Universe and as sovereign Lord of my life to whom I have willingly pledged and continue to pledge my unwavering allegiance.  I'll defend Him against anyone who thinks He was wrong to hurt me.  Then to top it all off I'm also endlessly and genuinely grateful that Amber was relieved of her pain and is now in paradise where I will eventually join her.  There aren't many people that really understand what this is like, not because I'm special but because the circumstances are rare.  I died when she did, but I don't get to move on.  I have to wait for my resurrection, and it's slow and painful and lonely.  It's not hopeless, but even that Hope doesn't negate sorrow; it just makes it bearable.  Some day I won't hate this but right now I do, and I hate that I hate it.  I'd prefer to be grateful again, but I struggle to get around my pain long enough to find things to be thankful for.  Maybe someone else could help me with a little perspective, but it would have to be someone with credibility.  That used to be Amber.  I don't have anyone else that I trust.

Thanks for explaining it. Everything you’re saying makes sense.  ?

[DrFeelgood]

4 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Thanks for explaining it. Everything you’re saying makes sense.  ?

Thanks for letting me rant, I didn't mean to unload on you.  This day started out with more acceptance, then it turned sour.  I might need to find a new church for a while, some place where I can be anonymous.  That's going to be really hard in this town.