Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Just when I had resigned myself to buying a new computer that I don't want to buy, it magically starts working normally again. I'm glad it's working, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. 

 

And dammit, I was going to go to bed early, or at least considering it, but I just realized I forgot to clean out my humidifier to get it working tonight. Booo.

[fleaball]

Fuck my house. Fuck my father. 

 

For years the front door hasn’t worked properly. Turning the handle doesn’t pull the lock part back from the wall. So it’s just been taped in place so the door never catches. Downside is that when it’s windy it winds up opening. So I asked if we could put more tape on it so that it would hopefully stick shut since it’s windy as hell and the door keeps opening and making the furnace go on overdrive. So what does he do?

 

”why did we even do this anyway?” Cuts the tape off, goes into the front hall, and shuts the door before I can figure out what the fuck is happening. So we’ve spent the past half hour trying to fix it. To the point of breaking part of the actual door and pulling off the entire handle, but the lock part is still stuck in the fuckin wall. Call a locksmith? Nah, they cost money. Why would we do that when we can sit here and bitch about how stupid we are?

[fleaball]

He managed to mangle the fuck out of the locking mechanism and pull it out of the wall but we still can’t get that part out of the door. So we’re back to square one an hour later, with the lock taped back into the door (and door handles screwed back on but not solidly because of the mangled insides) and no way to make it stay shut. I’ve tried layering tape so it’s thick enough to sort of get stuck but surprise, the door’s in shitty enough condition that a chunk of the frame has gone missing as well so there’s nothing to catch on. And every one of my other ideas is getting shot down while he’s not offering any of his own.

 

Normally I would give zero fucks about any of this, but since the door keeps opening while it’s in single digits (F) with a windchill below zero, the furnace is going nuts. And my room has always been the warmest room in the house anyway, so last night I slept in a tank top and shorts with a fan on and no covers, and I still woke up sweating. So it’s in my best interest to shut this shit down. 

 

He’s probably going to have a fucking breakdown and every time I try to offer advice or placate him somehow he just goes on about how stupid he is for cutting the tape in the first place (true but I’m already tired of hearing it) and if only he’d kept up on the maintenance of the house this never would have happened, but it’s ultimately my mother’s fault because she wouldn’t let him get a new door in the first place. 

[fleaball]

My computer has been scanning and repairing itself for 5 hours and has been saying “11% complete”  the whole time. A quick internet search tells me this is normal, but I’m so annoyed that I can’t use it. 

 

The door is still fucked and will probably remain so forever. 

 

I need to get a job and move out of here yesterday. I’m angry all the time. I constantly want to cry. This is not fucking sustainable. 

[RES]

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

I need to get a job and move out of here yesterday. I’m angry all the time. I constantly want to cry. This is not fucking sustainable. 

QFT...

Such a huge part of me wants to come grab your dad by the throat and shake him, informing him that blaming someone who is no longer there is a fucking cop-out...she's gone and he's an adult and needs to learn to act like one. Blaming you is not going to fix anything, either do it or don't but quit acting like a two year old (ffs my children act more mature than he does)

If he can't handle it then sell the house and move into someplace where they take care of these types of things for him so he doesn't have to worry about it.

Then I remember that prison stripes are not my style...

 

 

[Countess D'If]

I’ll defend you in your criminal case!!!*

 

I swear to god, Flea, if you want to move here and learn how to be a paralegal, I will give you a job and you can live with me in my apartment/room. 

 

But you need to get out

 

 

 

*sort of :-)

[Bean Sidhe]

20 hours ago, fleaball said:

 but it’s ultimately my mother’s fault because she wouldn’t let him get a new door in the first place. 

 

Okay, so he does know she isn't around now to tell him no on the new door right?  I mean this is the answer to the whole problem.

 

I swear Flea, I don't know how you do it. I would probably need Countess well before now.

I would say, if you can figure out how to get to Countess, do it now.

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, RES said:

QFT...

Such a huge part of me wants to come grab your dad by the throat and shake him, informing him that blaming someone who is no longer there is a fucking cop-out...she's gone and he's an adult and needs to learn to act like one. Blaming you is not going to fix anything, either do it or don't but quit acting like a two year old (ffs my children act more mature than he does)

If he can't handle it then sell the house and move into someplace where they take care of these types of things for him so he doesn't have to worry about it.

Then I remember that prison stripes are not my style...

 

 

Honestly!! One of these days I’m just going to lose it on him. So far I’ve been holding back because I still need to live here, but it’s ridiculous how many things are my dead mother’s fault. 

 

Housing prices are going up in our area because of the proximity to Boston etc and people being priced out of one or two other cities between there and here. He knows this. I told him yesterday to get all his shit together, sell the house to a developer (because it needs to much work and is just so old), and go buy a one- or two-bedroom condo wherever the fuck he wants. 

 

And his response was “well it will have to be a two-bedroom because I can’t just leave your brother.”  So basically he’s never going to do it because he has such a convenient excuse. Also note the lack of concern for what I will do if he sells the house and takes my brother with him.

 

16 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

I’ll defend you in your criminal case!!!*

 

I swear to god, Flea, if you want to move here and learn how to be a paralegal, I will give you a job and you can live with me in my apartment/room. 

 

But you need to get out

 

 

 

*sort of :-)

You’re a doll. But the summer in Nevada will kill me, and that would make everyone sad. <3

 

1 minute ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

Okay, so he does know she isn't around now to tell him no on the new door right?  I mean this is the answer to the whole problem.

 

I swear Flea, I don't know how you do it. I would probably need Countess well before now.

I would say, if you can figure out how to get to Countess, do it now.

Oh yeah, the problem was the door needed replacing years ago and she wouldn’t let him. But if she had, we wouldn’t have had the problems we’re having now. (New problem: “we’re never going to find a new door that matches the color of this frame.” “STAIN IT, DAD. besides the frame is totally messed up as well, so you need to fix that too.” The unspoken here is that since we’ll never find the right color, we just can’t replace it. 

 

I can’t move across the country. I really can’t. Even if it weren’t a question of money, I couldn’t handle it psychologically.  It may be a super shitty situation here but I know the area, I know the culture, I know restaurants and coffee shops where I can go for a short escape, I know where to get my groceries, etc. Having to go to an entirely new place and relearn everything all at once would just be too much. 

 

What I need to do is get back on track with Lyft. Make sure I’m gone every day before he comes home, stay out for as long as I can. And make the most of my time at home when he isn’t around so I can make food or do laundry or whatever else without any comments. I’ve gotten lazy about Lyft the past two weeks and it’s not helping. 

[fleaball]

Ha. Fuck me. He came home an hour and a half early. While that has no actual bearing on what I’m planning to do today it pisses me off that he’s here. 

[RES]

These day's doors come with frame and all when replacing if that is a need...

https://www.homedepot.com/s/prehung%20front%20door?NCNI-5

 

[fleaball]

5 minutes ago, RES said:

These day's doors come with frame and all when replacing if that is a need...

https://www.homedepot.com/s/prehung%20front%20door?NCNI-5

 

I’ll keep this in mind. Supposedly he’s calling his “crazy cousin” who does carpentry or something to come fix it. I’ll give it a few days and if nothing comes of that I’ll send him that link. 

[fleaball]

I’ve literally been on the phone with AAA for an hour trying to transfer my membership from the DC region to whatever Massachusetts is part of. Was on hold forever, someone put me on hold again while transferring me to a person who couldn’t help me at all, got put on hold forever again, and now the girl I’m talking to is like “I don’t see a record for you at that address.” Well yeah, because I moved out. “Are [parents] your mom and Dad?” I know for a fact that I don’t sound like a child on the phone so what the fuck? She also asked if I knew if they were planning to renew their expired memberships, to which I replied “well my mother is dead and my father can’t make decisions, but none of that is my business anyway.” Possibly a little harsh, but her attitude is pissing me off. Under normal circumstances I would have hung up and tried again later, but my membership expires Monday and even though they’re badgering my mother to renew still, when I called two years ago because I’d been in the hospital when my membership expired, they gave me a shit for it. So I don’t feel like playing that game. 

 

Hallelujah it’s finally done. Now to go fucking drive. Ugh. 

[Bean Sidhe]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh yeah, the problem was the door needed replacing years ago and she wouldn’t let him. But if she had, we wouldn’t have had the problems we’re having now. (New problem: “we’re never going to find a new door that matches the color of this frame.” “STAIN IT, DAD. besides the frame is totally messed up as well, so you need to fix that too.” The unspoken here is that since we’ll never find the right color, we just can’t replace it. 

 

Oh, I know, your dad is in that "Any reason not to do it and not be at fault for it." I just wish we could smack him and make him grow up.

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I can’t move across the country. I really can’t. Even if it weren’t a question of money, I couldn’t handle it psychologically.  It may be a super shitty situation here but I know the area, I know the culture, I know restaurants and coffee shops where I can go for a short escape, I know where to get my groceries, etc. Having to go to an entirely new place and relearn everything all at once would just be too much. 

 

This makes sense. I know a cross country move would never work for me. I never even really left to go to college (long story there). And the idea of moving so far is scary, but I just wish we could do something to help. For the record, I think of you as being braver than me, and so I thought it might actually be an option.

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

What I need to do is get back on track with Lyft. Make sure I’m gone every day before he comes home, stay out for as long as I can. And make the most of my time at home when he isn’t around so I can make food or do laundry or whatever else without any comments. I’ve gotten lazy about Lyft the past two weeks and it’s not helping. 

One of those weeks was when the car was all busted. So that isn't your fault. Do what you can, try and find a routine that minimizes your time with your dad and brother.

oh, and I think the reason your dad didn't include you in the "I would have to take your brother" is that he trusts you will land on your feet eventually. He doesn't see you being under his care forever, where as I think he has given up on your brother ever moving out.

[fleaball]

Have to do 20 rides in a week to be able to renew the car, otherwise Lyft demands you return it. I've done 3 this week. I went out today, did 2, and then got really anxious. I can't tell if things are legitimately wrong with the car or if my anxiety and shitty history with cars over the past year and a half just have me waiting for it to fall apart. On the other hand, I have 2 days to get 17 rides and that should be doable over the next two days. I plan to get up between 10-11 tomorrow so I can do most of my rides in daylight, just for peace of mind. Still on the fence about staying out til midnight on NYE, because from what I've read online it's usually oversaturated with drivers looking to make bank, plus I live in fear of people puking in my car. My father will be working that night so maybe I'll just stay home and get up early Monday for people going to brunch/doing the walk of shame/leaving whatever friend's house they crashed at. 

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Oh, I know, your dad is in that "Any reason not to do it and not be at fault for it." I just wish we could smack him and make him grow up.

You and me both. Line starts here. 

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This makes sense. I know a cross country move would never work for me. I never even really left to go to college (long story there). And the idea of moving so far is scary, but I just wish we could do something to help. For the record, I think of you as being braver than me, and so I thought it might actually be an option.

Under normal circumstances it wouldn't phase me. I studied abroad on 3 different continents and didn't think twice when applying. (Anxiety kicked in for different reasons once I got there, but it was mostly shitty circumstances/people that triggered it.) Maybe even last summer it would have been a good idea. But the headspace I'm in right now makes it a bad idea. :\ So it was a good suggestion, just bad timing. I'm not sure I'm braver than you, but I'll take the compliment there. 

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

One of those weeks was when the car was all busted. So that isn't your fault. Do what you can, try and find a routine that minimizes your time with your dad and brother.

haha I wish. That was resolved 3-4 weeks ago. There's been shitty weather recently I can blame some of my lack of driving on, but there have definitely been other days where it would have been fine to drive and I just didn't want to go out. 

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

oh, and I think the reason your dad didn't include you in the "I would have to take your brother" is that he trusts you will land on your feet eventually. He doesn't see you being under his care forever, where as I think he has given up on your brother ever moving out.

Definitely true. But what gets me is that this is part of a larger pattern of "I'm going to express all this concern for your brother to you and literally none for you at all." No "if I sell the house what will you do?" (Because a few months ago I said I wanted to move out ASAP because I'm going crazy and he was super offended and said "well you're welcome to stay here as long as you want.") No "this is the first Christmas without your mother that you basically took care of alone for 6 weeks, how are you doing?" I know the underlying thing is "Flea can take care of herself, she'll be fine." And I'm glad I give people that impression. But he doesn't bother to double check. My mother didn't either; she would ask pointed questions to try to catch me failing at specific things when I was doing fine overall ("when was the last time you went grocery shopping? you need to eat a proper meal!" bitch I'm out of the house from 8am-10pm 4 days a week, what good will groceries do me?). 

 

This part is just really, really frustrating. My father's mother (whose anniversary is today, coincidentally) was absolutely a narcissist and generally a pretty terrible person. And he was the scapegoat child whereas his 3 adopted siblings could do no wrong. His father was a cop with an alcohol problem. So there was no positive, loving environment growing up for him. And I struggle here trying not to explain away his failures. "Oh he doesn't know how to check in with people because no one ever checked in with him." But fuck that, you can still learn to be a decent parent. Or a decent human being. Regardless of whether you had that example as a child. I am justified in wanting my parent to act like a parent who cares about his children and I should not be handing him this excuse. But I'm still trying to make myself realize that it's an exercise in futility to ask him to care. He's not even self-aware enough to realize that my brother and I get pissed off when he's doing things we've specifically asked him, repeatedly, not to do because it's annoying/anxiety-provoking, etc. (Like stomp around and make noise for the sake of making noise.) 

 

I feel like I got off track here. tl;dr I know he assumes I'll be fine no matter what but that doesn't absolve him from actually caring about me.

[fleaball]

Right. So. Asked my father about the car problem. Took him for a ride. He didn't notice it at all. I'm willing to chalk this up as hyperawareness because of anxiety. For the record, it feels like the steering wheel is pulling whenever I go over a bump/small hole/anything. They just did an alignment a month ago and I haven't hit any massive bumps or potholes that would throw it off. I don't remember having this issue with my car or any of my parents', but I also never paid any of them quite as much attention as I do this one. Or it could just be a quirk of this car, which is a 2015 with more miles than my mother's 2003 Camry. 

 

I still hate the car and will never buy myself a Nissan for any reason, but I'll be able to drive it tomorrow without worrying so much about this particular issue. 

 

(Also idk if I've addressed this here, but it's not worth it to try to swap it out for a new car. A: they don't always have enough cars available to swap out. B: I don't want to risk getting another car that needs a shit ton of work and not be able to drive it for a week. Basically this setup sucks balls. So again, I'm glad it's an option I have right now but it's also complete bullshit.) 

[Sylvaa]

How windy is it there? Could that be contributing to the pulling? Here we've been having some crazy strong gusts and my husband's Honda was pulling pretty noticeably when we were out.

[fleaball]

5 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

How windy is it there? Could that be contributing to the pulling? Here we've been having some crazy strong gusts and my husband's Honda was pulling pretty noticeably when we were out.

Not very. I've had that happen before so I know what you're talking about it, but it's not quite that.

[fleaball]

A water main broke a mile away and I’m not sure if that means I can shower. Which sucks because I am gross and really need to shower if I’m going out. 

 

Otoh, I checked the Lyft app and it turns out that since my rental started on a Tuesday, I need 20 rides in a week running Tuesday-the following Tuesday. So I have two extra days to get the rides I need. At the very least, I guess I can take the day off if I can’t shower. I won’t be pleased but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[fleaball]

lol nope. Anxiety wins. Sitting at home doing nothing today without even trying to shower. 

[Bean Sidhe]

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

You and me both. Line starts here. 

 

 

(I am probably falling over since well, me graceful I am not)

 

 

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

I feel like I got off track here. tl;dr I know he assumes I'll be fine no matter what but that doesn't absolve him from actually caring about me.

 

*hugs* I get it. And we both got family issues, so I totally understand. enjoy your day off. Trust me, family is just hard

[fleaball]

I am my own worst enemy. My plan for my anxiety-fueled day off was to clean my room, finish at least one overdue library book, possibly sort some things that have been destined for donating or eBay for way too long. Instead I volunteered to go with my father to get him a new laptop, then we got dinner, then I set the thing up for him and taught him how to do various things on it (that I will probably have to teach him again later). The last like, five hours of my life were spent with him. And it was my idea. Why. 

 

I do have laundry in the dryer and I did clean up all the trash in my room and corral the recycling stuff. I just haven't brought any of it outside because it's fucking cold, man. I do need to sweep the floor so I can put my yoga mat down without it collecting a bunch of grossness. 

 

And then I asked my brother if he knew what his schedule was for next week since he was off this week (why do I even care??) and he said no but he was planning on walking over later to get it because he also wants to buy some things. And immediately I was like "oh I'll drive you nbd." Which, okay, it's freezing out. But I don't even think about volunteering for stupid shit like that. I saved myself because all my long pants are in the dryer and he has to go over before they close in an hour so he'll walk anyway. But seriously wtf Flea. Stop. 

 

Irony: the book I was planning on finishing today is called Codependent No More.  

[fleaball]

Thread hopping here. So when I basically ran out of the house earlier, after being home for 10 minutes, it was because my father was screaming at something and I could hear him across the house even though we were on two different floors. I assumed it was his phone, because I'd been down there talking to him and mid-sentence he picked up his phone and started yelling at it because he'd lost a text. Or something idfk. Turns out it was actually his brand new computer he was yelling at, because he couldn't log in. With the password he now uses for everything, which I set up yesterday and tested several times. Somehow he managed to get it to work when I was out. 

 

I did not enjoy the movie. Or at least did not enjoy the experience of being at the movie. Well no, I wasn't a huge fan of the film, even though I went in knowing the circus was a shitty thing anyway. But there was also a group of guys on the other side of my row who kept having conversations. I was annoyed af but they would magically shut up every time I'd decided to tell them off. One of them was using his phone half the time too, although it was on silent. They didn't really ruin the movie, but I was hyperaware of them the whole time regardless. 

 

Once the movie was over I tried to drive a bit. Opened the app out of curiosity to see what the demand was at 10pm. It said it was up to 250% right around my location. Drove for 10 minutes and got nothing. Okay, sure. I really only did it because I didn't want to come home. I think maybe one of the reasons I didn't enjoy even the experience of being at the movies was that I knew I had to go home anyway. Escapist things rarely work for me, unless I'm reading fanfic at home and just crank up my headphones to block out the world. Although I'm going to give myself hearing loss trying to drown out my father screaming and my brother vomiting up internal organs.

 

OH. TWO UNRELATED THINGS. 

1) The Chipotle gift card I got for Christmas wasn't even meant for me. He bought it for my cousin's birthday and was supposed to bring it with the Christmas presents. And then apparently just blanked and decided it was mine? So I don't know what the fuck I was even supposed to get for Christmas, given that the one thing is still MIA and I got something intended for someone else. 

 

2) I totally space on what #2 is even though I was so ready to share it ten seconds ago. Carry on.

[fleaball]

6:45 pm: "Dad you left your groceries in the middle of the kitchen floor. I put the milk away, was there anything else that needs to go in the fridge?" "No, that was it."

 

1:24 am: Brother texts me. "If Dad left his cold cuts in a bag on the kitchen floor they're probably bad right?" Um. Yes. Just fucking leave them for him to discover tomorrow. "Yeah well I only found them because Squish [boobcat] was trying to eat them so..." Never mind, throw them again. 

 

Bets on how early I get woken up by his slamming shit around and screaming about what a fucking idiot he is and he can never do anything right etc?

[RES]

I need a 'head shaking' icon instead of having to use 'like' all the time...

[Sylvaa]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

OH. TWO UNRELATED THINGS. 

1) The Chipotle gift card I got for Christmas wasn't even meant for me. He bought it for my cousin's birthday and was supposed to bring it with the Christmas presents. And then apparently just blanked and decided it was mine? So I don't know what the fuck I was even supposed to get for Christmas, given that the one thing is still MIA and I got something intended for someone else. 

 

I love that we can now take bets on what your real present actually was!