LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Kevin Mack]

I'm just gonna leave this right here:

 

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

[Candace Koller]

I can't understand how it could work but I know plenty of different people live in different ways than I do successfully. For me I know that if there was another person involved in my husband and I's relationship I would be worried about who his "favorite" was and if he loved me as much. I can't comprehend loving two people romantically. I'm definitely the type that needs a one on one relationship but I think placing things outside of the realm of possibility for other people just because I can't comprehend them definitely isn't the way to go. Everyone is different in their preferences and capabilities.

[Anathema]

It's funny, I really do wonder if it's more of an orientation that we tend to give it credit for (as opposed to a consciously made relationship choice). This is just me totally spitballing here based on no clinical knowledge whatsoever, but . . . I mean, much like being queer or kinky, I can't remember I time I didn't feel nonmonagamous, before even knowing there was a word for it. Every relationship I've ever had has been at least theoretically open (sometimes neither the other person or I really took advantage of it because we were busy and no one likely happened along). The one exception, in college when I was still young and foolish and I thought I could/should change who I was to make a boyfriend happy, ended in me cheating. I've always felt that I couldn't limit myself to one partner any more than to one dear friend, but I also know that's just the way I'm wired, and while I don't get it myself, I understand that many folks are wired totally differently. My husband and I have been together for 24 years and in that time we've had one poly triad with another woman, we've had random hookups either as a couple or on our own, and we've both fallen madly in love with other parties and had long-term secondaries (my on-and-off secondary and I have been together for 8 or 9 years now, and my husband just adores him). It doesn't work for everyone but, as Dan Savage says, it works for more people than you might think, since so many of us are closeted due to societal stuff around nonmonogamy. And you only hear about peoples' kinks and quirks when they break up, so it's easy to see those things as the cause of the breakup rather than just one aspect of a relationship that didn't work for any number of elaborate or mundane reasons.

 

My 2 cents.

[Varelse]

I have no problem if people are non-monogamous voluntarily. But aside from very specific examples, monogamous relationships going polyps a nightmare, based on those involved I've encoutered

 

That's because polygamy if it isn't voluntary is not polygamy, but a lying your partner.

 

I don't understand promiscuity turning on into polygamy. Promiscuity is not involving emotionally with anybody; polygamy should be involving oneself with more than one person simultaneously. And an open relationship from my point of view is involving with one else, but having sex (without involving emotionally) with others. Right? So... what's the problem? One should know what is what he want.

 

I can't understand how it could work but I know plenty of different people live in different ways than I do successfully. For me I know that if there was another person involved in my husband and I's relationship I would be worried about who his "favorite" was and if he loved me as much. I can't comprehend loving two people romantically. I'm definitely the type that needs a one on one relationship but I think placing things outside of the realm of possibility for other people just because I can't comprehend them definitely isn't the way to go. Everyone is different in their preferences and capabilities.

 

I feel this as you. The only exception is being with a woman and a man in one relationship. I think I could fall in love with a man and a woman at the same time, but I don't know how I could manage such situation - I think I'll prefer being alone.

 

[Artinum]

I once had an "open relationship" with someone. Never again. It was essentially him enjoying all the benefits of a relationship (a home, stability, company) but without needing to fully commit to anything. I never really had any interest in seeing other people while he was out all the time. I felt like I was the fallback position.

 

But I did get some things out of it. Crabs, scabies...

 

I've now been in a monogamous relationship for over a decade and while it can be a bit dull in some respects, I have no desire to change it.

[night-wren]

panromantic asexual (?possibly polyamorous?) butch, checking in!

 

may I say, for the record, that this thread is awesome, you people are all fantastic, and I am so glad to be here.

[Hit]

 

 

And an open relationship from my point of view is involving with one else, but having sex (without involving emotionally) with others.

This is essentially what my partner and i have. id describe myself as being polyamorous, but we dont have a poly relationship. there's no "secondary partners", there's just us and occaisionally either of us will go out and fuck someone else. i view it on the same level as going and having a coffee with a friend.

 

or at least i did, until yesterday, when he told me he was flying back over to melbourne for 5 nights to see this person ("Lee") he met while over there last week for QC. Originally he was going to go over the week of my birthday, which was a pretty big kick in the teeth when he first asked. We talked and he's now going the week prior, but there's something about my partner going on a sex-holiday thats really bugging me and im not sure why.

[SevenofSeven]

Hey Night-Wren, welcome.

[Thrillho]

 

 

 but there's something about my partner going on a sex-holiday thats really bugging me and im not sure why.

One of the odder sentences I've seen on the internet this week.

[ColoQ]

Found this a while back.... it was definitely informative.

[ColoQ]

This is essentially what my partner and i have. id describe myself as being polyamorous, but we dont have a poly relationship. there's no "secondary partners", there's just us and occaisionally either of us will go out and fuck someone else. i view it on the same level as going and having a coffee with a friend.

 

or at least i did, until yesterday, when he told me he was flying back over to melbourne for 5 nights to see this person ("Lee") he met while over there last week for QC. Originally he was going to go over the week of my birthday, which was a pretty big kick in the teeth when he first asked. We talked and he's now going the week prior, but there's something about my partner going on a sex-holiday thats really bugging me and im not sure why.

 

Maybe because the "going back" implies an emotional connection of some sort - even if its just friends. Friends can erm... go out for coffee... without necessarily becoming romantic. But I think you may be fearing that the spending the time and money to have a "sex-holiday" implies something greater.   This IMO is a red flag, and needs to be discussed soon (before the holiday!). If you are in the "casual sex is OK, but emotionally intimacy with someone else is not" category maybe you can remind your partner of this. If you are iffy now.. you can't imagine how iffy you will be *when its happening.* Believe me.. I've been in a similar situation. 

[Candace Koller]

I'm with ColoQ on this. No matter what your relationship title/status is if there is ever something bugging you it should be discussed openly with your partner even if it was something you were ok with before because otherwise it will just keep gnawing away at you.

[Thrillho]

I'm with ColoQ on this. No matter what your relationship title/status is if there is ever something bugging you it should be discussed openly with your partner even if it was something you were ok with before because otherwise it will just keep gnawing away at you.

 

Hmmm, interesting theory! I often think the one thing that's kept me and my wife together for the better part of 16 years is never talking. 

[Candace Koller]

Different strokes for different folks. I'd say if you find something that works by all means stick to it.

[night-wren]

I have a question for the poly folks in this thread:

 

As an asexual, I've been told that the only reason my (now ex-)boyfriend's polyamory didn't bother me is that, since I wasn't sexually attracted to him, I didn't have the "normal" possessive mating instincts kick in. But according to what I've read here, in allosexual non-monogamous relationships, it's the perceived emotional/romantic exclusivity betrayal that's the issue, not the sex.

 

So: do you think that asexuality is a factor in jealousy regarding poly relationships?

[ColoQ]

I have a question for the poly folks in this thread:

 

As an asexual, I've been told that the only reason my (now ex-)boyfriend's polyamory didn't bother me is that, since I wasn't sexually attracted to him, I didn't have the "normal" possessive mating instincts kick in. But according to what I've read here, in allosexual non-monogamous relationships, it's the perceived emotional/romantic exclusivity betrayal that's the issue, not the sex.

 

So: do you think that asexuality is a factor in jealousy regarding poly relationships?

In general... nope.  First Its important to distinguish between Jealousy, Envy and Fear. Jealousy is "I'm irrationally upset that you have X."   Envy is "I used to have X or really want X, and I am upset at you because you now have X."  Fear in this context is "You will take X away from me."   

The key is how do you define X?  Is it sexual intimacy? Emotional intimacy? Both? It doesn't even have to be that big...  My wife became envious of the fact that my girlfriend has an easier time of getting me to go see ridiculously stupid romantic comedies: because it took my wife 7 years to wear down my hard-headedness and my girlfriend is sort of reaping the rewards of this "reform."  Fix to that?  don't go see RomComs with the Girlfriend.

I assume, because you are human, you also feel emotions. Just because you feel no need to compete on a sexual level, doesn't mean you don't have other things you can become jealous, envious, or fearful over. 

[night-wren]

Malcontent: 

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense! I do know that Fear was an issue {feeling inadequate at the sexual aspects of a relationship and thus not worth keeping as a partner}, but I'm pretty sure that was them same regardless of whether he was seeing anyone else at the time.

[Thrillho]

Malcontent: 

 

I nominate this as ColoQ's new name.

[night-wren]

 

Posted Today, 03:50 PM

night-wren, on 16 Jul 2014 - 3:34 PM, said:

Malcontent: 

 

I nominate this as ColoQ's new name. 

Aw no, I keep reading the Newbie/Antagonist/Malcontent/whatever as a person's username. Sorry.

[Teirin]

Happens to me too when I joined.  It was made worse by the custom ones the guild leaders have.

[Bekah]

Malcontent: 

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense! I do know that Fear was an issue {feeling inadequate at the sexual aspects of a relationship and thus not worth keeping as a partner}, but I'm pretty sure that was them same regardless of whether he was seeing anyone else at the time.

Yeah, that's kind of the key for me, if it was in other relationships that were good/bad/poly/monogamous etc. then its a "me" problem and not a "poly" problem. 

As a side note, (this is 100% conjecture and is not meant to judge or offend anyone else, but its how I see asexual thinking in my pansexual brain) wouldn't it be easier to be asexual with a poly partner because there isn't the sex issue? I know that the times I don't want to have sex, I am pretty thrilled with the thought of my husband having someone else to spend time with and get that need met and leave me the hell alone  

[night-wren]

As a side note, (this is 100% conjecture and is not meant to judge or offend anyone else, but its how I see asexual thinking in my pansexual brain) wouldn't it be easier to be asexual with a poly partner because there isn't the sex issue? I know that the times I don't want to have sex, I am pretty thrilled with the thought of my husband having someone else to spend time with and get that need met and leave me the hell alone

 

Yeah, poly and the 'but I want you to have what you need' problem are a good fit in theory. It worked for me fairly well. YMMV.

 

After all, there aren't that many asexuals out there, so being open to poly definitely expands the options for those of us who don't want to have sex at all and aren't comfortable with their allosexual partner going without.

 

Then it's just the 'but if you have both romance and sex with them, then what do you need me for' insecurity, but, like I said, that was there as a hypothetical even when he was only dating me. And I imagine there's a similar feeling for anyone in any relationship, poly or mono.

[Teirin]

Yeah, poly and the 'but I want you to have what you need' problem are a good fit in theory. It worked for me fairly well. YMMV.

 

After all, there aren't that many asexuals out there, so being open to poly definitely expands the options for those of us who don't want to have sex at all and aren't comfortable with their allosexual partner going without.

 

Then it's just the 'but if you have both romance and sex with them, then what do you need me for' insecurity, but, like I said, that was there as a hypothetical even when he was only dating me. And I imagine there's a similar feeling for anyone in any relationship, poly or mono.

 

It gets mentioned a lot on r/asexuality when people are having trouble with Ace/Sexual relationships. 

[night-wren]

It gets mentioned a lot on r/asexuality when people are having trouble with Ace/Sexual relationships. 

 

Unfortunately, I think it often ends up in what my sister calls a poly-band-aid situation: drama that results from trying to be poly in order to prolong a relationship as opposed to admitting that it won't work out. 

[RES]

My girlfriend is Asexual...fear I believe is her issue...other than no sex our relationship is perfect...however I am a VERY sexual person...but she would consider it cheating, and don't want to hurt her...but I do need more...