MIL Driving Me Crazy

[Devyn]

I know this is nothing new, but it's not something that happens to me often. I'm in the UK with my in laws right now. I've been here for some time and I am so ready to go back. Basically, my mother-in-law is driving me up the wall when it comes to parenting.

My son is 4 years old so there is often a battle of wills going on. MIL is constantly undermining my decisions (no chocolate means no chocolate, not a little bit).  But the real cake-taker is that she throws a fit every time my preschooler does. For example, tonight I told my son he had to go to bed early. He didn't listen to me when I told him to get his pj's on so he had to go to bed early. Those were the rules. When my son started screaming, MIL comes in and asks what's wrong. That in and of itself is irritating, but what's worse is that when I tell her she huffs and says "It's so bloody stressful!" and then stomps into her room and slams the door.

I know it's temporary but I am twice as stressed as usual with parenting because of this. My mother usually leaves me to do what's needed without butting in, but I'm not used to this constant undermining and tsking. How do people who have MIL (or mothers) usually deal with this.

 

(BTW, my son has become way more whiny since being here)

[SpiralGalaxy]

Aw, much sympathy. My situation is the reverse--my mother is worse than my MIL. It's like when my son gets tired and cranky she does too. But my son is much younger (16 months), so she can't do much of the undermining yet (I'm sure that's coming). I don't have much in the way of coping tactics--I just ignore her and focus on the kid and then stew about it later. All I can offer is sympathy, I'm afraid. There's a light at the end of the tunnel when you get home. Hang in there!

 

BTW, I totally don't understand why people who have raised children themselves sometimes seem to have forgotten what's involved. Toddler = screaming sometimes. It's inevitable. My favorite was when my FIL (who raised three wonderful boys), put his afternoon snack of crackers + cheese + sharp knife to slice the cheese on the coffee table in front of my 14 month old who was very proud of his new found ability to walk around and get things off coffee tables. My MIL and I both lunged for the knife before he could get his hands on it, and my FIL stood there looking bewildered about what these crazy women were doing. ::sigh::

[Devyn]

Thanks. Luckily, I'm back in the US. I suppose I needed to vent and I was getting pretty sick of being there.  My mother always stays out of things and she's a pretty clever mother.  

[Heidi]

Much sympathy, and a little envy -- I have these problems with my mother, whom I cannot divorce, and she lives 10 miles away, not on the other side of the Atlantic.

 

Perhaps I should move to Scotland?

 

Best of luck and much support as you manage through this.

How much longer will you be at the in-laws' place?

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

My mom his having the same problem with my little brother (16 years younger than me) and my grandmother, or was.  My grandmother would undermine her every time she corrected my brother or yell at him when we were over there. It led to them not talking for something like 6 months.  Now that she knows she won't get to see my little brother if it happens, she doesn't do it anymore.

 

It's funny.  I hear all these stories about how when my mom and aunt were little she was a hardass.  But she's a complete pushover when it comes to her grandkids.  She knows it's wrong to undermine my mom and says so after the fact, but can't help herself.

[Sage]

IDK how often you go out there to visit, but my suggestion for next time is to establish some boundaries with her, and if you are able, stay in a hotel or with other friends/family.

Boundary example: "MIL, I am sorry you feel stressed when my son gets upset. What I need from you is to stay out of the room if you overhear him getting upset."  What would be even better would be to have your partner run interference and say this to her, since she's not your mother and the primary relationship is between the two of them.