DarK_RaideR's BattlE_LoG

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

7 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

It's all in Greek, so no point sharing links

Maybe 1% of a point. I could at least pronounce the words  

[DarK_RaideR]

Alright, wasn't that bad I guess. Made it to 5 news articles in 4 hours of work, which would normally pay as much as a single game review and roughly 25% of my monthly motorcycle garage expenses. Not bad for a first day at work and considering that normally you're given 40' for an article. If I'm being honest, a large part of the process is finding a cover image that's original enough as well as at a decent enough analysis, then resizing it to exactly 1024x576. If I know what news I'm assigned to do, I can use any spare free time I got inbetween to prep images or maybe even write out some articles to save time.

 

Articles been published so far:

• Dead Cells hitting 3 million sales and releasing a new update
• Paradox Interactive buying out Iceflake Studios. These guys have made Surviving the Aftermath, which is the post-apocalyptic sequel to Surviving Mars, set to release soon. It's looking great, especially if you're into city sims like Cities Skylines, Sim City, Frostpunk etc
• The announcement of Rogue Lords. Think Darkest Dungeon, but you're playing as Satan in 17th century New England and your troops are Dracula, Baron Samedi, the Headless Horseman, Bloody Mary etc. I'm a fan of DD, like the visual/aesthetic and it seems low-spec enough that my PC can run it, hopefully I can score it as a game to review (and keep)
• Microsoft Store for Xbox gets an overhaul in design
• Early Access of Rogue Legacy 2 got delayed

[cd667]

I have been in a similar situation with my family. It's heartening to see someone in your situation forging their own path.

[EricMN]

Congrats on the gaming gig. 

 

On 8/3/2020 at 3:50 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Standard hours, a set area of expertise and consistent pay.

There's a whole dystopian-future novel in that simple sentence. As always, my best thoughts are yours, my friend.

[DarK_RaideR]

Another couple of productive days, took Tuesday evening to get the rest of my training articles done so I could spend my Wednesday shift working on paid ones. Waiting for the "games to be reviewed" list so I can take my picks.

 

Tuesday's stuff:

• Q2 record profits for PS4
• Nintendo expanding beyond video games. They're already constructing their own version of Disneyland called Super Nintendo World, so this might mean they're out to make movies? I'll admit I kinda liked the Super Mario Bros. one with Bob Hoskins...
• 5D Chess Seriously messed up, potentially awesome. You can jump back and forth in time, as well as branch off into different timelines. Do yourself a favor and watch the videos.

Yesterday's yield:

• New gameplay video for Dirt 5's Stampede mode
• Xbox Game Pass coming to Android devices
• Florida's Senatorial Candidate KW Miller calls Dragon Ball Z "anime porn" on Twitter
• Activision calls Diablo Immortal a good idea despite the backlash, based on the sales of Call of Duty: Mobile
• FIFA 21's stands will always be full and mask free. In this parallel universe, COVID-19 never existed, apparently
• Rumors about Pillars of Eternity 3 maybe becoming a thing

That's 6 articles in 4 hours of work, one more than Monday. I'm starting to feel a bit constricted and soulless just translating and pumping out articles, but they're the main money generators and I'm getting comfortable with inserting my personal brand of humor here and there instead of translating word for word. It does make the process a bit more enjoyable and the articles a bit more alive.

 

In less exciting news, my family situation has finally exited the "joy and love bombing" phase after they somehow found out, potentially in a socially awkward moment, that I won't be taking up the job offer in my hometown. Which, of course, I'd told them in person while I was still around after I found out what the pay would be, but of course they completely chose to ignore that part and hear whatever they wanted, perhaps still somehow hoping I'd be taking the job and sticking around, until their precious "social face" got shattered and the point got through. Also something that my father denied, in a typical case of gaslighting. Now we're in the "dismissal, devaluation and ignorance" part of the cycle, with them completely playing dumb regarding my financial situation and only caring about the exact dates I'll be booking my tickets to go visit them. Ironically, I have neither the money to pay for said tickets or to go for a coffee with some friend of mine while I'm there. But they, of course, do not care, as long as it's not directly impacting their own lives or public perceptions.

 

I've been told to stop playing defense and turn this around by pressing my own needs and demands. Which I've done. To get aggressive and clash if necessary. Which I've done, to no avail. To set boundaries. Which I've done, but they never do respect. So I feel there needs to be the threat of consequences for my point to get across. I've been struggling for years with this narcissistic, abusive relationship and I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I know their two biggest fears: losing face and losing me. I'm about to make my final point and ask for their support (which they should be offering up without me asking in the first place, parenting 101, people) while warning them that if they chose not to play ball, I'm cutting off all contact with them and publically shaming them by posting stories on social media about things they've done to me and never apologized for, like the breakdown my mom had during my nameday last year., for all their friends to see and gossip about. Sounds petty and vengeful, I know, but having the spare cash to help your only kid who's at absolute zero and choosing not to, is even worse. In the wise words of Dr. Ramani Durvasula "some parents will say they kept you fed and put a roof over your head, to justify anything else they have or haven't done. So what, an orphanage would do that too. That's the bare minimum of being a parent."

 

This will be a tough August (and early September, given my court date in my hometown on Sept.11) which is also why I decided to not pull the trigger on doing a challenge this round. There will be no more growing strong in enduring. Might as well get myself a rubber animal mask...

 

[WhiteGhost]

Here's hoping the they actually come through with some help, but honestly I'm not really optimistic.  I suspect they will think you are bluffing.

[deftona]

3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm about to make my final point and ask for their support (which they should be offering up without me asking in the first place, parenting 101, people) while warning them that if they chose not to play ball, I'm cutting off all contact with them and publically shaming them by posting stories on social media about things they've done to me and never apologized for, like the breakdown my mom had during my nameday last year., for all their friends to see and gossip about.

 

Of all the ways of going about this, extorting your parents seems like one of the very worst but hey, it's your life dude. 

[Sylvaa]

3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I've been told to stop playing defense and turn this around by pressing my own needs and demands. Which I've done. To get aggressive and clash if necessary. Which I've done, to no avail. To set boundaries. Which I've done, but they never do respect. So I feel there needs to be the threat of consequences for my point to get across. I've been struggling for years with this narcissistic, abusive relationship and I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I know their two biggest fears: losing face and losing me.

 

I hear you on this. I went no contact with my parents for about 3 years and my younger brother has been no contact with our father for a similar amount of time. I obviously don't know your parents, but I will say that for any decision around no contact, make sure you have a backup plan in case they don't cave to the idea. From your posts, it sounds like realistically, they could wait out your threats, which could put you back in a worse position than you are now. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You can't out narc a narcissist. I support no contact, but you will not win playing their games. Their ability to bullshit is stronger than your ability to tell the truth. They will win if you post negative stuff about them. The narrative will simply shift to them being poor victims of your attacks. Remember, they've been pushing the narrative of them being amazing parents to their flying monkeys as long as you've been alive. Remember, a lie can get halfway around the world before the truth gets its pants on, and the amount of effort needed to refute lies is exponentially higher than the amount of effort it takes to tell the lies.

 

If you attack them for cutting you off, their narrative will be they had to cut you off because of how toxic you are, and look, here are these attack posts on social media that prove it. You would be the one who is right, but their skills at gaslighting and twisting the truth will see them through your choice to tell the truth. Sorry man, but that's the way I see it.

[DarK_RaideR]

Thank you all for your responses and insight. I am seeing indeed that such a response would only be playing their game, with me on the losing end again. I just booked my tickets for the 22nd and slowly coming to terms that this will, essentially, be a period of zen trials. I literally have nothing good to expect and in a way, it feels like saying a long goodbye.

 

Also, this video speaks to me

 

[cd667]

I write people's Wills for a living, and on and off I've been doing it for a long time. I hear from all sides of families. There are a lot of parents like this out there.

 

My experience (personal and professional) is people like this don't tend to change. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself if you want to be like them for the rest of your life.

 

I honestly feel sorry for narcissists. Many of them end up rather lonely and constantly disappointed.

[Endor]

I can empathize. This is another one of those strange parallels that you and I seem to have in our lives from time to time. 

 

The difference is the threats have come my way from my father, basically that if I don't leave my wife there will be nothing in their wills for me from their significant wealth. Horrible, outrageous, nasty.

 

Ultimately it was so extreme that it has freed me of the power they had over me, when someone is this nasty and vindictive to you maybe it is time to call it a day and make your own way.

 

No matter what they say to you about inheritance and wills, promises of financial support, it is irrelevant. Basically it's blackmail and you have no idea what they really put in there anyway or if they will ever actually come through for you. Any relationship that is founded on power of one party over the other, especially when it's power through money, is flawed.

 

If you won the lotto tomorrow what would that do to your relationship with them?

 

My advice would be to forget the money from them, I know you need it but you have to find another way. You already started with the video game reviews. You've run into this issue somewhat earlier in life than I did, it might be a blessing in disguise. 

 

I'm with Tank, there is no power for you in publicly shaming them. In my opinion, you will get a temporary feeling of revenge, which will fade and they will forever use it against you. 

 

If these people were not your parents would they be in your life?

 

I don't recall if you have siblings? I got a lot of relief from talking through things with my brother, it brought us closer in a way we never previously were.

 

If I could I'd take you down the pub, buy you a few beers and talk it through, you're good people. 

 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 8/9/2020 at 1:09 PM, cd667 said:

I write people's Wills for a living

Ah, a fellow legal professional! Glad to have you around.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

The difference is the threats have come my way from my father, basically that if I don't leave my wife there will be nothing in their wills for me from their significant wealth. Horrible, outrageous, nasty.

 

Ultimately it was so extreme that it has freed me of the power they had over me, when someone is this nasty and vindictive to you maybe it is time to call it a day and make your own way.

Difference here is, I haven't had any threats. That would have certainly cleared up and simplified things. My mom (and as an extension of her schemes, my dad as well) are being way more passive-aggressive. They're willing to help but only in words, unless said help aligns with their needs and hopes. Thing is, looking back, I've always been a convenient kid who didn't talk back, didn't cause a fuss, didn't request things and always was a source of pride for them. I was more mature than my age and could have serious conversation with grown people before kindergarden. I was a straight-A top of the class student for all 12 years of school. I made it into law school. I graduated. I scored 2 Masters degrees. A job as a counsellor to a minister. At a university professor's law office. I was the wunderkid they could brag about and be proud of. Now suddenly I've fallen behind, I provide nothing they can use to hype up themselves to other people and thus I am of no further use until I re-align myself with what they think is best for me to get me back on that track. Not the track that'll make me happy, just one that'll give them something to be proud about again.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

No matter what they say to you about inheritance and wills, promises of financial support, it is irrelevant. [...]

If you won the lotto tomorrow what would that do to your relationship with them?[...]

If these people were not your parents would they be in your life?

That is exactly the point. I'm mainly tangled up in this because of the financial dependency caused by a dire financial situation. If that wasn't the case, of course it'd be different. I've given up hope on getting any help from them. It's just pissing me off that they know the state I'm in, they could afford to assist without having to give up anything major in their lives and still choose to not do it.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

My advice would be to forget the money from them, I know you need it but you have to find another way. You already started with the video game reviews.

I've already forgotten it. The game reviews are a start. I tried to score some petsitting gigs too, with no success to date. The crippling thing is that legislation allows lawyers to do precious little besides lawyering, so my options are severely limited.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

I'm with Tank, there is no power for you in publicly shaming them. In my opinion, you will get a temporary feeling of revenge, which will fade and they will forever use it against you. 

Yeah I've pretty much wrapped that up by now. It's a very Ghandi or Taoist type of situation, where the only way to win is by not fighting. I'm just denying them the power over my life and emotions, positive or negative, until I can completely cut them out of my life. Experts call it the Grey Rock method, where you keep your answers as short as possible, share as little information as possible, show minimal emotion and overall become as uninteresting as a dull grey rock. Deny them any narcissistic suply, withstand the backlash and eventually they'll give up or get bored so they'll move on.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

I don't recall if you have siblings? I got a lot of relief from talking through things with my brother, it brought us closer in a way we never previously were.

I do not. Which makes it even more maddening that they choose not to assist their only child. Fortunately, I have the SRLF, some good friends and the Rebellion to support me through this, as well as some very informative YouTube videos.

 

2 hours ago, Endor said:

If I could I'd take you down the pub, buy you a few beers and talk it through, you're good people. 

I'd love for this to be the case. You too are a good person and I have yet to not have an awesome time when physically being around members of the Rebellion.

[DarK_RaideR]

Righty-o, made it to ye ole hometown on Saturday evening. Won't tire you with whining or complaints, I'm actually pretty zen about it and making fun of the surrealness of it all. Woke up real early yesterday too (out of habit, it's the time before dawn when my cat will start bothering me for breakfast) and since I was smart enough to bring my jump rope and workout clothes, I took to the roof for a training session in the morning cool before the sun rose. Same roof I did my first ever rope skipping, years ago. Ah, the NF memories... Anyways, just to give me a bit of structure and something a little more regimented in this chaos, I'm turning this into an impropmtu mini challenge for while I'm around.

 

Name of the Game: Not exactly a SMART or even quantifiable goal, but it is the #1 priority here so I'm putting it on top. Don't fall for their games and manipulation. I'm basically pulling off the Grey Rock method and so far it's been working out for me. I even got an actual rock I picked up for myself, a touchstone to carry in my pocket as a constant, physical reminder to stay focused and remember the game that's being played.

Githyanki Pirate: I'm rifling through stuff here and picking up things I'm bringing back with me. Some because I need them, some simply because I don't want them to be around the house. Expanding this on a more philosophical level, I want to make sure I get something out of each encounter with the mad couple over here. Hardships endured will not be fruitless. It doesn't have to be a gain in financial form necessarily, it can even be something as simple as "I dealt with their BS and it exhausted me but I established a boundary that they can't help but respect". I just don't want to get out of situations as the victim, having lost some and gained none while they've gone the opposite way. This aggression will not stand, man.

Job Search: I'll be around till mid September, assuming no covid surprises or travel bans. Now that everyone's coming back from their summer vacation, I need to make sure I make a daily effort to look up ads and opportunities I can apply for.

Workouts: Don't care if it's going for a run, jumping rope on the roof whatever. Something every day. On top of everything else, it helps vent and keep me sane

Nutrition: Just track my eating on my app. No meal plan or anything, just track stuff.

Gaming journalism: I have my news article shifts, Monday and Wednesday 18:00-22:00, plus gaming reviews due for each month. With serial keys still expected, I was told to get to work on reviewing free-to-play games. My pick was Card Hunter, a web browser flash game (now also on Steam, since Flash will not be a thing come next year) that blends D&d style tactical combat with M:tG style deck building using cute art and cutout figures. I used to play it several years ago, so I'm already familiar with it and my account still exists, so I brushed it up to see any new updates and now must do the writing part. Goal here is to spend some time every day, except Mondays and Wednesdays obviously, to write the review. Then, once September rolls around, do the same with playing and reviewing the next game I tackle.

[cd667]

You're doing wonderfully at this. Inspiring stuff.

[DarK_RaideR]

Monday, August 24

 

Name of the Game: Holding on to this and by now I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised or shocked at how these people have nothing but their personal needs and desires on top of everything else, at the expense of everything else. I feel like we're on completely different wavelengths and communication is by now a pipe dream. To give you an example, I brought my car here with me but nearly ran out of gas driving out of the ferry. It's been three days since and they've yet offered to help me get some gas. They have, however, been willing to drive me around, attempt to organize 3 or 4 day getaways and today my dad proposed a daily motorcycle trip, using his own 2 motorbikes, of course. My point here is, I'm not complaining about the money and the issue would not be resolved by them handing me some. The issue is how they're willing to do all these crazy things  but won't even consider or suggest pumping some gas into my own car. As long as it serves their -remaining- holiday time and enjoyment, they might throw me a bone for a ride-along to whatever it is they want to do and that's it.  All that, of course, remains inside my head, unspoken. We're still kind of pretending to be a happy, non dysfunctional family but the difference this time is I'm aware and, most important, not expecting anything at all, which in turn prevents me from getting my hopes up, letting my guard down, making excuses and ending up with disappointment. It's a very Ghandi-like mindset. Any form of external conflict is bound to initiate a fight I cannot hope to win, so the only way about it is to not instigate anything. The conflict is internal, struggling against my own urge to react emotionally or make a snappy comment. Right now, they clearly think they're the powerful party and in control. They have no pressure or reason to start any kind of conversation. The way I see it, they're waiting for me to snap, either by asking them for money or by complaining about something, so they can counter with faked generosity or discredit my manner in order to invalidate my point. That is a mistake I cannot make. Instead, I'll be the one to turn the tables and lie in wait. Sooner or later they'll break, my mom especially is her own worst enemy. Besides, I'm gonna be around for 3 weeks, can't start a be-all end-all war on the first couple of days here.

Githyanki Pirate: I'd say the gain from Monday's experience was testing the waters and seeing the parents having nothing to play ball with. I was as laconic as possible, pruning my words several times in my head before speaking them, debating whether I should say anything at all and making sure my delivery was deadpan, sticking to facts instead of opinions or anything that could be argued and debated. I can tell they were frustrated at times and that means it's working. They couldn't manipulate me into anything, even a simple discussion around the lunch/dinner table. They weren't pleased, but I hadn't given them anything they could blame me for either so they couldn't bring it up and come out on top of the situation either. It's like a toddler finding out their favourite toy is no longer working.

Job Search: I did not look up anything, but I did have a friend who decided to look up some stuff and present it to me, out of their own initiative. Said friend resides across the ocean. Meanwhile, my own parents won't even consider helping me out with an empty gas tank, an empty fridge and an empty wallet, but I digress.

Workouts: I meant to do another morning workout, but I overslept and the sun came up. Then I wanted to go for a swim, but we had lunch a little late and I was working 18:00 to 22:00, so I postponed it for a nightly one, which ended up being just a walk along the beach to clear my mind, rest my eyes from the screen and call the SRLF in private. Wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Plus, with my calves still sore from skipping rope the day prior, I'm willing to call it an active rest day.

Nutrition: I was so focused around the table during lunch and dinner, I completely forgot to be mindful about my portion sizes. Tried to save it by guesstimating the amounts and punching them into my app later, which again is better than choosing not to bother.

Gaming journalism: Worked my shift and it wasn't an easy one, between all the family crap and a crappy, crashy laptop. Had to work from the country home too, because the parents were super pushy about having lunch together and going to the sea and going out for dinner together and whatnot. I could only deflect their offers to a point without bringing up work and my shift. I divulged as little information as possible, but hopefully now I have an argument about trying to better my (financial) position. Because funny enough, the 2 day x 4 hour a week shift should yield roughly as much every month as their "golden opportunity" posting. Like, seriously, I could wait tables for better pay.

 

Anyway, I don't wanna end the update on a bitter note, so instead here's a great arrangement of Hotline Miami songs to fuel your workouts.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I can tell they were frustrated at times and that means it's working.

Towards the end with my ex, she tried to start some fights by talking about things I had done to her in the past and how it had hurt her. I grey rocked her well enough that she ran out of things to say and didn't have an opening to start a fight. I could tell she was disappointed. However, once she realized that wasn't working, she escalated and did other things to start arguments, sometimes that worked. All that to say your parents might up their game and try harder to get you to snap. Good job so far, and keep up the hard work.

[DarK_RaideR]

Tuesday, August 25

 

Name of the Game: Still holding onto the grey rock thing like a wrestler to their gimmick. Debating whether it's time to mention stuff like the car/gas situation or not going out to see friends because I can't afford to pay for a cup of coffee. No requests or complaining, just a matter-of-fact mention. It's been a few days and I have enough material to work with. More important, I have proof that I've been living the last few days with absolutely nothing in my pocket, thus I'm not bluffing when I say I can manage without requesting their aid and I'd actually rather do that, no matter the cost.

Githyanki Pirate: I was out of the house after lunch and by nightfall, I realized I had nothing to eat, nothing to cook and no money to buy any food, so I had to come back home. Quite depressing when "securing a plate of food" is marked down as a victory. I also caught wind that my mother was planning to hit the supermarket the day after when she asked me something about the coffee I usually buy. I bluffed my way into not remembering it so I could get to "I visually recall it, want me to join you tomorrow and grab some stuff for the other house as well?" Spoiler alert, that didn't happen this morning (more on tomorrow's update) but at least I had that out of the experience.

Job Search: Looked up a bunch of ads and responded to two of them. It's a start, getting back into the game again.

Workouts: Went for a swim in the morning, which I'm totally counting. The water's pretty shallow so I intentionally swam deep to ensure I was actually putting in some physical effort. Was also planning for a nightly workout, but having to go back for dinner meant no rope skipping on the roof. Still, I managed to talk my dad into joining me for a nightly walk along the beach, which is cool.

Nutrition: Punched in the data. Again, wasn't super mindful but the dishes were mostly veggies, so I should be fine.

Gaming journalism: Started on my game review. Ideally, I'd like to have it ready by the end of the week, tops.

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

because I can't afford to pay for a cup of coffee.

I have been there, and I hear you, friend.

Do you have a ko-fi? A PayPal?

I'd love to be able to take you out to the movies or hang for a pint, so let me send that along, right?

[Heidi]

On 8/24/2020 at 3:52 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

I even got an actual rock I picked up for myself, a touchstone to carry in my pocket as a constant, physical reminder to stay focused and remember the game that's being played.

Druid approved.

Manifestation of your focus is key.

Holding you in the light as your journey this path.

Solidarity.

❣️

[Endor]

Shadowrun series is free on EpicGames from today for a few days. I'm planning to get it and see why you like it so much! 

 

Hope you weather the storm with your folks and something positive comes of the trip. 

[cd667]

On 8/26/2020 at 3:37 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

 More important, I have proof that I've been living the last few days with absolutely nothing in my pocket, thus I'm not bluffing when I say I can manage without requesting their aid and I'd actually rather do that, no matter the cost.

This is the key.

 

I know this is a tough time, but you are obviously a resourceful guy;  more than a match for this situation.

 

I just want you to remember that one day, all of this stuff you're dealing with now will be history. Keep doing what you're doing and you will get through.

[cd667]

PM for you.

[DarK_RaideR]

Thank you all very much. Know that I'm doing well, challenge-wise and overall. I must, however, go radio silent at this point.

 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 8/28/2020 at 10:39 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

Thank you all very much. Know that I'm doing well, challenge-wise and overall. I must, however, go radio silent at this point.

 

 

Challenges haven't worked out well for me lately, so I'm reverting to my Battle Log. However, the above situation still persists, so I plan to just post about random workouts here, as well as bring back a re-vamp of my well received NGW wrestling narrative. No personal and life info here, those who want to keep in touch know how to reach out via other routes. See you on the flip side.