Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Bean Sidhe]

Stay Safe Flea. That is the important thing.

Free clothes come in handy. Especially if its a "Hey, I have a thing, I don't care of I ruin it or not" since there are times something may get messed up. Or is that only my life where I can say "this won't get messy" and they I get covered in stuff.

[fleaball]

Conundrum: if I take days off during the week and then something happens on the weekend, I'm screwed. But  it doesn't make sense to plan on weekends off because that's where the money is. Womp. 

 

4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Stay Safe Flea. That is the important thing.

Yeah I'm probably not going out today. As of last night they were saying the roads would be good around 1pm; I checked the local news on twitter and all day they've been saying not to go out til at least 7pm if you can help it. There are crashes everywhere, speed restrictions on the highways, it's just not worth it. I could conceivably go out in the evening but meh. If I were driving an SUV that would be one thing, but I have a Nissan Altima and it's not my favorite. (Plus the deductible with Lyft is super high so accidents aren't worth it at all.) I'll just hang out here. Catch up on reading, clean my room, maybe try to purge some of the stuff I brought back from DC but haven't even thought about in 6 months. The one downside is that my father is home and stuck in the house too. He's already got cabin fever and is driving me up a wall. 

 

4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Free clothes come in handy. Especially if its a "Hey, I have a thing, I don't care of I ruin it or not" since there are times something may get messed up. Or is that only my life where I can say "this won't get messy" and they I get covered in stuff.

I feel like you're more likely to get messy given all your activities and stuff. But yeah I definitely have certain clothes that I don't care about ruining, or losing, or otherwise wrecking somehow. This jacket will definitely fall into that category. 

[fleaball]

Someone please tell my brain to shut the fuck up and stop running through all my failures from the last decade or so. I just want to sleep. 

[WhiteGhost]

Hey! HEY!!! Flea's brain! Talking to you, brain! listen up!  Knock it off with all those lies about Flea's supposed failures.  She does NOT need this right now so you can just knock that crap right off.  

 

If I have to come back in here one more time, there will be serious consequences... 

[Bean Sidhe]

 

17 hours ago, fleaball said:

I feel like you're more likely to get messy given all your activities and stuff. But yeah I definitely have certain clothes that I don't care about ruining, or losing, or otherwise wrecking somehow. This jacket will definitely fall into that category. 

 

This may be true. I forget sometimes that not everyone deals with biohazard daily or went outside for 30 seconds and ends up transplanting something.

But hey, its a jacket that hopefully keeps a flea warm

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Someone please tell my brain to shut the fuck up and stop running through all my failures from the last decade or so. I just want to sleep. 

 

Brain, you be nice and hopefully Flea got some sleep. Sadly, I know how big a troll a brain can be. I don't have answers to shut it up sadly.

[fleaball]

9 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Hey! HEY!!! Flea's brain! Talking to you, brain! listen up!  Knock it off with all those lies about Flea's supposed failures.  She does NOT need this right now so you can just knock that crap right off.  

 

If I have to come back in here one more time, there will be serious consequences... 

I definitely didn’t cry when I read this last night and you will never prove otherwise. <3

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

This may be true. I forget sometimes that not everyone deals with biohazard daily or went outside for 30 seconds and ends up transplanting something.

But hey, its a jacket that hopefully keeps a flea warm

 

 

Brain, you be nice and hopefully Flea got some sleep. Sadly, I know how big a troll a brain can be. I don't have answers to shut it up sadly.

Yeah I’m pretty sure your life just sets you up for mess 24/7.  I did sleep. Not as much as I would have liked, but it happened. 

[fleaball]

I was considering not going driving today because I woke up in a shit mood and judging by the app there’s not a lot of demand right now. 

 

Except I have to leave the house because my father is on a rampage. He lost a $25 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods for one of my cousins. He’s going to buy a new one (luckily they opened their first local store last month, half a mile away) but none of us shop there so he gets to eat that cost. He didn’t buy a birthday card for my other cousin whose birthday was 2 weeks ago and who basically always gets her birthday gifts at Christmas. (Because lol who mails things?) He’s giving cash to my last cousin but is on the way to the bank to get decent-looking bills because he forgot to put the ones he had between two books to flatten them out. (??) And he lost something he got for me. So he’s been stomping around forever, literally yelling about what an idiot he is so loudly he’s scared the cats out of whatever room he walks into. He’s not leaving for my aunt’s house until at least 4 so I just can’t be here. I knew this would happen. I asked him several times over the course of the week if he had everything, if he had the cards to put all the gift cards/money in, why don’t you just put them all together now so you’re not running around on Sunday? 

 

I am literally being driven out of my own house because of my father’s incompetence and overblown reactions. 

 

(He also already put the stockings up and filled them, and I am pissed because he filled his own too. I spent time and money trying to figure out what to get him and have a bag full of stuff for it. More than anything I am insulted. Obviously expecting my brother to come up with anything is an exercise in futility, but did he really think I wouldn’t bother to do anything and would just let his stocking sit there empty?

 

Tomorrow is going to be a shitshow. It was his idea that we not get each other anything more than $20 but he’s already mentioned having multiple things for each of us and I’m going to get fucking upset over it regardless of what it is because I. Hate. Gifts. I’ve made it clear in the past that I didn’t like it when they went over the top, I told him this year not to bother with much because I prefer to buy all my own things because I’m picky, and there’s not a lot I want or need anything. And just to be clear, he is not one of those people who enjoys gift giving. He hates trying to figure out what to get people. So I’m going to get upset. And I’m probably going to get angry. And then I’m going to feel bad about getting angry because how dare I ruin Christmas for other people.)

 

If I were smart I would have saved this post to write after I’d left the house but at this point I don’t even want to bother going out. I’m safer in my room. 

 

eta: lol nope, he’s back to screaming and throwing things. Time to get dressed. 

[Bean Sidhe]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yeah I’m pretty sure your life just sets you up for mess 24/7.

 

This is one of the reasons I had a hard time deciding on an "adult job" to pursue. I am so use to expecting at any time I could get messy, I have a hard time not expecting that to happen at work. I mean yeah in computer science, you will find rabid dust bunnies, but that is nothing compared to the mess I am use to in the lab. (I had a hard time finding an end for this that wouldn't make someone grossed out). 

[Bean Sidhe]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I am literally being driven out of my own house because of my father’s incompetence and overblown reactions. 
 

 

Hopefully you can get home while he is gone and enjoy the time to youself a bit. Honestly, I think the reason he doesn't put things to one place to make sure he has them all is that it didn't occur to him. I mean we use a rubbermaid tote for each family (my parents, his mom, his dad, ect) so we grab the tote and go. But that is because we have been doing this for a few years and its all about ease. He just didn't have to think of any of that before (Not an excuse, your dad just isn't the planner type).

Good luck with tomorrow.

[fleaball]

My father asked me how my brother is doing today. 

 

Nothing about how I'm doing. (Legit don't care about my mother not being here, but it's not like he knows that.)

 

I also said I left a bag of stocking stuff on the mantle since there's no room in his stocking with all the stuff he put there. "Oh. Well. I didn't know what you guys were gonna do so..." "Did you really think I wouldn't do anything?" "Well no, but..." and then he devolved into incoherent waffling and I just walked away before I threw something.

[Wobbegong]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

My father asked me how my brother is doing today. 

 

Nothing about how I'm doing.

If he asks you how you're doing he runs the risk of having to deal with feelings in the moment. 

 

Better to ask you about your brother, and ask your brother about you. Second-hand accounts are just so much less immediate. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

If he asks you how you're doing he runs the risk of having to deal with feelings in the moment. 

 

Better to ask you about your brother, and ask your brother about you. Second-hand accounts are just so much less immediate. 

True.

 

Remember Flea, you are more emotionally mature than your father. 

I found googling "Emotionally Immature Parent" to be fruitful.

https://www.google.com/search?q=emotinally+immature+parent&oq=emotinally+immature+parent&aqs=chrome..69i57.5006j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

This article in particular seems like it might be helpful.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/new-harbinger-publications-inc/parents-who-drive-you-cra_b_7511242.html

[fleaball]

10 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

If he asks you how you're doing he runs the risk of having to deal with feelings in the moment. 

 

Better to ask you about your brother, and ask your brother about you. Second-hand accounts are just so much less immediate. 

Flaw in your logic: you assume he talks to my brother at all. He doesn’t. Actual communication is left up to me. 

 

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

True.

 

Remember Flea, you are more emotionally mature than your father. 

I found googling "Emotionally Immature Parent" to be fruitful.

https://www.google.com/search?q=emotinally+immature+parent&oq=emotinally+immature+parent&aqs=chrome..69i57.5006j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

This article in particular seems like it might be helpful.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/new-harbinger-publications-inc/parents-who-drive-you-cra_b_7511242.html

Thanks, I’ll browse these later. I guess my problem is just expecting him to act like a rational human being. I know he’s not. I’ve known forever that he’s just a manchild and will never change. But somehow I still manage to be disappointed by the same bullshit on a regular basis.  

[fleaball]

Today would have been a great day to drive because there was no one on the road. Except we got several inches of snow overnight and some of the roads weren't plowed. And the melted stuff was already starting to freeze. Because who wants to pay plow and salt truck drivers holiday pay?? I did one ride and noped out. It's going to be in the low 20s and teens (F) this week, so it will probably be busier anyway. 

 

I'm trying to figure out whether I want to do a challenge this round or not. I know I still have a week to decide but I feel like I haven't been this on the fence about it in a long time. Accepting the fact that I won't be able to really overhaul anything until I gtfo means I really need to reflect on and untangle my web of issues to find something actionable. I do have a bunch of smaller habits I want to work on, but I also want to have a coherent kind of challenge and not  UGH fuck it. I'll pick several things that aren't necessarily related because otherwise I'm just giving myself more ways to back out. Being successful at smaller habits like flossing may not get me out of the house any faster, but it's still a success and will be good for me in the long run anyway. Dammit. Right, off to the Rebels it is. I'll probably try to keep more of the family drama and general complaining here and just focus on challenge stuff there, but we'll see what happens.

[fleaball]

Got distracted reading porn, but I did the thing.

[fleaball]

Bringing back posts from page 98/10 days ago because I feel bad I never got around to them.

 

On 12/16/2017 at 6:35 PM, RES said:

 You're questioning your love for me *sighs*  

I love you, you know how I feel about you being down on yourself though,  

I wasn't questioning my love for you! Just wasn't sure if "I love you" was the proper response to make you not mad at me. I will try not to be down on myself so I can avoid your wrath though.

 

On 12/17/2017 at 11:52 AM, Cataleya said:

NF keeps unsubscribing me to random threads and it's annoying. I always read, I just often don't have anything new to add after everyone else has made such great points.

It is badass to get up and do something you don't want to do. I know way too many people who just complain. That's it. They just complain. They don't try to fix it, they don't do research, they don't try to do anything. So they'll have the same complaints or worse in ten years. You won't.

Yes, you complain, but we all do. Some of us have more negative things going on in our lives, so we complain more. That's okay. What makes us badasses is that we then do something about it.

You have a survival plan, and a plan to get out.

You will complain. You will process. You will search for answers.

You will get out.

You will then have a plan to deal with all the fucked up dynamics your family taught you.

You will complain. You will process. You will search for answers.

And then you will do something about it.

That is why we love you, and that is why we stick around. Face it lady: you're stuck with us.

it's cool. I sometimes lurk in your thread and let smarter people answer because I got nothin'. 

 

I feel like this needs to be on a poster or something. Because obv I am at a point where I can't imagine actually changing things and not being in this situation. But if you're going to stick around and yell at me when I'm dumb, I'm cool with that.

 

On 12/17/2017 at 7:55 AM, RES said:

Nope, I agree with Tank, that's badass! Even though you have a lot of reasons not to you're recognizing you need to and doing it!

 

On 12/17/2017 at 4:24 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That exact badassery. Do you have any idea how many people with situations way easier than yours just sit on their ass all day and do nothing. You choosing to do something even though you really didn't want to. You did what was necessary because it had to be done. Like Cataleya said, that's how we know you're going to make it. If you were going to give up you would have done it by now. That's the difference between you and your brother. You both feel the same temptation to give up and do nothing. You just refuse to give in to that temptation.

Stop it, both of you. You're making me blush.

 

On 12/18/2017 at 10:05 PM, Owlet said:

Oh hey, you just nailed why I've been so stressed and anxious for the last few weeks. I absolutely loath disturbing other people to ask for more work/how to do the task, but I've had a couple of jobs where that is exactly how they structure it. And then get annoyed when you ask. But give you no other option... wheeee!

Isn't it great?? "Feel free to ask any of us if you have any questions! ... okay but why are you here?"

[Cataleya]

it's cool. I sometimes lurk in your thread and let smarter people answer because I got nothin'. 

I feel like this needs to be on a poster or something. Because obv I am at a point where I can't imagine actually changing things and not being in this situation. But if you're going to stick around and yell at me when I'm dumb, I'm cool with that. [emoji4]

I lurk in my own thread sometimes. I'm just reading and like, yup. You said it. I don't have a response because u2smrt4me.

I think humans really suck at understanding baby steps, despite most people literally taking them as babies. Small changes accumulate over time. But yes, we do want you out of there. So we will be here to support that.

[RES]

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

I wasn't questioning my love for you! Just wasn't sure if "I love you" was the proper response to make you not mad at me. I will try not to be down on myself so I can avoid your wrath though.

I'm not mad at you dear, just don't like when people put themselves down...you're an amazing person and just need reminding of that!

[fleaball]

Intentionally took today off to get stuff done, because when I plan on driving and then don't, I'm not really productive otherwise. So I made some phone calls, figured out how to search for therapists on my insurance company's bullshit labyrinthine website. Searched for more people, was again disappointed. >> Haven't gotten much else done.

 

I did realize my father's a lot more hopeless than I thought. The surround sound system, which is at least 8 years old, probably closer to 10, suddenly stopped working. So I turned up the volume on the TV itself and told him to ask my brother if it worked last night/if anything changed. And then he asked me "so how do we get a new one? Just call them and have them send it out?" Uhhh, no? You go to Best Buy and pay for one? Apparently my brother won the whole setup in a contest years ago and okay, it was all installed by Comcast because there was some kind of cable package involved in it or something? But no, you don't just get a new surround sound system for free you fucking moron. What's worse is that the DVD player is what all the speakers and volume and what not are controlled through. It hasn't actually played DVDs in years because of the layers of dust inside it. He's been asking me to set up a new DVD player for him and I've told him repeatedly I can't because there aren't enough hookups available unless I disconnect something else, so he can go BUY A NEW DVD PLAYER/SURROUND SOUND THING IF HE WANTS IT. So it's not like this was news to him. (I don't actually know if there aren't enough input/output things. I'm guessing there aren't because it's a delicate game of unplugging and plugging in things in various combinations until it all works every time I have to do something, like hooking up the new cable box they got in May. So I just don't want to deal with it. Basically video has to be connected to the TV somehow but audio has to go through the ancient DVD player that only has the red/yellow/white AV cables, and it's just a clusterfuck. We had to buy an adapter just to hook up the cable box.)

 

Also my second Christmas present has gone missing but he's apparently in no rush to find it. I told him just to get me a gift card to one of the 4 supermarkets within in a mile of the house, because there was nothing I really wanted/needed and groceries are always a thing. I don't know what the missing gift card is, but he did get me one for Chipotle. Which, okay, I do go there more often than I should, but really? i'm sure he only got it because my uncle told him to get my cousin one from there. The fun thing is that he usually gives me shit for going there. I have no idea what the other one is, but somehow I don't think it's a grocery card. Doesn't matter though, because all he said was "it'll probably turn up eventually." Cute. Thanks. No, I didn't want two things, but I also don't understand why you'd tell someone you got them something else but you don't know where it is and that you're obviously not in a hurry to find it?

 

I'm mostly annoyed with myself for being upset. I know this is how he is. I know better than to expect anything else. So why does it still get to me? :\

 

Also he's been gone for a while. I swear to god if he comes back with a new DVD player you will all hear me screaming no matter what country you're in.

[fleaball]

Also, I've been on my father for over a year now to go close my grandmother's estate account and do something with the money left in it. His excuse was that he was still getting real estate tax bills for her house that was sold so he was keeping the money there just in case. (Not paying the bills though. Just getting mad that they came and keeping money aside in case they came after him?) It took a 5-minute phone call, from me, to the city to find out that property records didn't update til the new fiscal year or something so the bill was addressed to my grandparents' estate as well as the new owners. This was in June. 

 

Two weeks ago he finally went over to the bank to close it, but they said they needed the death certificate and the letter saying he was the executor. Uhhh, we brought them when we opened the account and you made copies, so wtf? He doesn't know where they are, so he's just spent the last two weeks bitching about it since everything is a personal attack on him designed to make his life miserable. But last week we got a check from the IRS made out to "grandmother DECD" and my father. Letter today explains it's the refund check from 2013, the year she died? Idk why it's getting reissued now, but okay sure. but the thing is... instead of taking this check over to put it in the estate account, he's still trying to close the fucking account. Apparently called the main number of the bank to try to argue about it. DUDE. I have already told you NOT to close the account until this check is deposited and has cleared. Because if you do, you're fucked with this check. 

 

Why are simple instructions so fucking hard???

 

Also where is my damn sandwich that I ordered an hour ago I'm clearly hangry.

[Bean Sidhe]

Hopefully the food came.

As far as your dad goes... *facepalm until face is bloody*

I don't get the logic there. Then again, I am not sure he used logic at all.

 

[fleaball]

Anyone want to guess what today’s tantrum was about?

 

unrelated, I’m taking another unplanned day off and am pissed about it. His new mattress came today and the window they gave was 8-11am. Naturally I had to be the one to meet them. I couldn’t fall asleep til after 2, then was woken up at 5:15 by him banging around the house getting ready for work, clearing a path for the delivery guys, stripping his bed, and doing god knows what else. For two and a half hours. Needless to say I did not get back to sleep. They were actually here and gone by 8:30 and I tried to go back to sleep after but I didn’t manage it til after 11, then woke up a few hours later with a nap hangover and way too tired to drive. Also one of the cats tried to eat half a pack of birth control pills. 

 

And in other news, my computer is fucked up again. I have no idea what the fuck the problem is and it’s driving me crazy because I really do not want to have to buy a new one right now. 

 

So I am a grumpy motherfucker right now. And I really want a burger and cheese fries, which is honestly the last thing my system needs. Rawr.  

[fleaball]

21 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Hopefully the food came.

As far as your dad goes... *facepalm until face is bloody*

I don't get the logic there. Then again, I am not sure he used logic at all.

 

Food came eventually. It was a decent sandwich. 

 

Logic does not exist in the same realm as my father. They’re mutually exclusive, I promise. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Food came eventually. It was a decent sandwich. 

 

Logic does not exist in the same realm as my father. They’re mutually exclusive, I promise. 

My own father has said "Logic is no impediment to the disturbed."

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

My own father has said "Logic is no impediment to the disturbed."

I feel like this needs to be on a demotivational poster somewhere. It’s so fucking accurate though.