[Rhovaniel]

I’m starting this challenge in what feels like the dawn of a new era. And whilst inevitably the shine will fade, the shadows will lengthen and I will again need to rally my strength and punch anxiety in the dick, along with the confidence stealing fear and lack of self-belief, I think this really will be different. Never before have I managed to not only survive my anxiety spiral but actively stop it and say, out loud, enough is enough. That I am enough. That I have worth, independent of any achievement. And believe it. Finally. Something deep down inside of me feels like it’s healing. Not all the way there, perhaps, but its healing.

 

Which leads me to a sudden realisation I had soaking up late summer sunshine, walking through a field a couple of mornings ago. Thinking about wanting to go on adventures, feeling frustrated about my weight and not doing much about it in the last two weeks (see previous challenge). And I kind of realised that mindset is everything when a thought came to me.

 

My body is an amazing thing. The absurdity of hating it finally seems to have hit home. I've been so focused on dislike, of my belly. My thighs. My face, even. It's fuller than it used to be. But I could be angry at myself and berating myself, or I can reframe it and acknowledge that I was just in the preparation phase for a magnificent adventure. I didn’t just ‘gain weight’. I had an epic bulk.

 

It's like a heavy backpack full of food, filled in preparation for a long adventure. That pack will change shape and size as I use the food and turn it to energy, to fuel the adventure. Like Frodo and the setting out from Hobbiton lightly moaning about the weight of his pack and later finding himself and Sam down to a few precious wafers of Lembas on the long, perilous journey to Mordor. I am that pack of food.

 

 

I don't hate the full pack for being big, bulky and heavy. Well, I might grumble with the effort of carrying it. But I also know it's everything I need to sustain me for the weeks and months ahead, on a journey where food will be scarce, where the bulky pack means life, and continuing the adventure rather than turning back, and missing out on the things that make life beautiful and fun for me.

Reframing it has made all the difference. Sure, I weigh more than I want to weigh, and more than is healthy for me. But that just means that I have a heavy, bulky pack full of energy I can use. I'm all stocked up now. So, let's go have that adventure. To where? Well, to the Mountain of Knowledge!

 

 

(Which I will put in a separate post so I can pin it to the start of future challenges. If you stay to read, and I hope you do, it's a bit of a long one. Bring water and snacks  

 

 

 

 

[Rhovaniel]

 

Legends about the Mountain are many. Some have said it is impossible to conquer in today’s times. Others say it is a fool’s errand to try. But the wise know. The wise tell of the Pilgrimage, a journey to the Mountain and then, if found worthy, an ascent up the steep and forbidding slopes. But the Mountain of Knowledge, and promise of rich rewards, proved to be a heady lure to many ill equipped to Summit. Many died on her slopes, others were driven to great depths of despair and anguish, faced with their own inadequacies.

To prevent those not ready to face what the Mountain will show, the Guardians of the Mountain, those who have summitted, and survived, its harsh and beautiful peak, and the trials they found there, devised a series of Tests. A series of Waypoints, in various towns across the vast region in which the Mountain lay, were set up. At each, there is a Guardian, whose role is to test any who seek the path to the Mountain. Should they pass the test, they are awarded a small token, unique to each Guardian. All [10-15] tokens must be collected before the final Guardian will allow entry to the Base Camp, a time to prepare for the Ascent. None are permitted to tell of the Path, and what they find. It is for them alone. But all are warned that they will not return the same person as they were. Neither survival or summitting the Mountain of Knowledge are guaranteed. But the rewards.. the wise say the rewards are a Self-Mastery and Self-Knowledge more powerful than any weapon.

 

My time has come. I seek the Road that will lead me to the Mountain.

 

 

 

 

 

But Rho! Someone cries. You forget. You're injured, you have a day job, how are you gonna go have an adventure?

 

I smile.

 

Step by step and day by day, my friends. I do not have all the answers. Just a pocketful of hope.

 

 

 

 

How it Works:

? I have 15kg to lose, all in. I think. Each kilo ‘lost’ is a kilo of supplies utilised, and will represent a milestone, or waypoint, on the journey. I am not going to obsess over a magical ‘goal weight’ number, but I know I have at least 10kg to get back to where I was a few years ago, and 5kg to get to where I was when I was much leaner and fitter. But that said, I am in my 30s now and if I get to a place where I am happy, then that will be the point I switch to maintenance. Which is why I did not specify how many Waypoints there are.

 

?  These waypoints will be loosely based on Pokémon Gym Leaders, in that they all test my strength in a particular area before granting me a badge, or token. The Guardians of the Mountain require all of them to be obtained (i.e to have reached a point where I maintain, not cut weight – the pack is emptied of all surplus) before I can enter Base Camp and attempt to Summit. These waystations will test my readiness from all angles, from strength and endurance, to cooking, survival skills, bravery, and scholarly prowess. In doing so, I am hoping to build in so much more than just a weight loss RPG for myself, but incorporate all the things that are either important to me, or skills and attributes I want to develop, to lead the life I want to live. In addition to the Badge for passing the test, I am also granted £50 to put in a savings account for new clothes at the end of the journey, or £75 if I hit a milestone (80, 75, 70kg). I cannot progress to another waypoint fight until I defeat the current one (no abandoning a skill challenge in search of a shiny lifting PR!)

 

?  Any slip-ups are OBSTACLES that knock me back. This is to remind me that I will not always be perfect. But neither am I down and out. Life and curveballs happen, I can fall down. But I can also get up. I don’t need to wait for a slip-up or life setback. Obstacles, for the purpose of writing narrative and keeping some interest and ‘plot’ going, can be going for a PR, or a significant progress to healing (I was thinking of my foot and calf issues here, but honestly, any big mental shifts that heal absolutely count too). The slip-ups, ‘failed’ goals etc. are the bigger obstacles, but this will just add to the excitement of the narrative.

 

?  The day to day grind is, well, the grind. Each workout, nutritious meal and habit change for the better is a step, a mile, a day closer to the goal. and forum updates will help to both keep me accountable and to show me how far I come. Because one day, I will try to think back to this time, when I weighed more and was just starting to feel my way to the adventurous, strong woman I became, and time will do what time does and it will feel hard to imagine. It will give me free reign to write little narrative bits and hone my writing skills – maybe nothing happens but a pleasant days’ journeying and encountering a lovely little wayfarer’s inn on the road? Who knows.

 

This, obviously, is a much more long term goal than can be reached in the confines of a challenge. I had a battle log once, but the vibe is different and I quite like breaking this down into chapters, where I can experiment with what works and what does not.

 

[Rhovaniel]

Welcome to Chapter One: A Pocketful of Hope

 

Given my upcoming scan in a few weeks, a workout plan is… challenging. I feel like my calf problem could be anything at this point. Probably no tear or anything crazy, but I feel like it’s been going on for so long, and I’ve been running in circles, that I have lost all sense of when it started and any idea of how to get it fixed. I therefore have resolved to not think at all what it can be until I - hopefully - get a scan. Until then, I'll continue with the plan and the exercises, document everything I do, any set-backs or improvements, and monitor for any improvement. I am, of course, hoping I get an absolute answer and a solution that actually works. And hopefully  adjust my programme from the results. If not… well, I’ll be in the same situation that I am in now, just down a little money. Honestly, I don’t know what I do if I get… nowhere.  If the scan does not point to anything conclusive. If it’s more of the same ‘I think its X’, but no real way to telling beyond the word of whoever I see. Because where do I go from there? Do I give up on ever being able to run and hike again? Because that feels unthinkable, but this issue is getting more and more limiting, and I'm scared. I’m scared, guys. I have hope but I am tired.

 

Of course, I also want to address my eating habits and nutrition. I am not going to calorie count. I just… can’t. My brain actively rebels and hates the very thought of it. So, right now, it is not what I need to be doing. Instead, I am going to focus on levelling up my survival stats: how to feed myself. I am going to focus on putting three nutritious meals into my body each day, ensuring a really decent amount of protein makes it in there, and that my snacks are healthier (the bar is on the floor with the amount of sugar I currently consume). I don’t want to fixate on how much goes into my body, but rather what goes into it. I will be mindful about sweets, deserts and other ‘treats’. Not berating myself for having them, but rather, pausing before I do. Am I hungry? Is it close to a mealtime? Am I craving it – if so, will something else satiate it, what about a small portion alongside some fruit, or Greek yoghurt? If I still eat a slab of chocolate cake, so be it. But it will be a conscious decision, not a reaction, nor a knee jerk decision based on the circumstances.

 

The goal, for this challenge, is just – Follow the Path. 5 weeks is a good time to both gauge progress and how well this routine is working for me (I miss the crossfit box so much, but having to sub things constantly was becoming… difficult).

 

Goal 1: Stick to my workout plan* 

 

Goal 2: 3 meals a day (I plan to meal prep and freeze where possible), healthy snacks, mindful treats**

 

Goal 3: Journal at least 5x week, and update forums at least 3 days a week. Progress photo (for myself) once per week.

 

 

*Subject to change after I see someone for - hopefully - a diagnostic ultrasound for my calf. The idea is still the same - I have a plan, I stick to that plan. The plan can change - on medical advice - but the consistency cannot. 

**Three nutritious meals a day does not mean all homecooked. I will use Huel’s dehydrated meals for lunches at times, a smoothie for breakfast, etc. It does mean, however, that takeout, ready meals, or grazing on snacks all evening instead of a meal are NOT acceptable substitutes.

 

 

[TimovieMan]

 

I keep staring at that mountain picture and wondering why the Paramount Pictures stars aren't suddenly appearing in it... ?

[Ranger Hal]

I love your challenge title! And that mountain is amazing!

[Elastigirl]

Fun idea for a challenge!

[Rhovaniel]

8 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

 

I keep staring at that mountain picture and wondering why the Paramount Pictures stars aren't suddenly appearing in it... ?

I see it now! Ngl, it was late when I finished writing it all up, and just grabbed the first mountain image that fit.

 

8 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

I love your challenge title! And that mountain is amazing!

Thank you! 

 

7 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Fun idea for a challenge!

Thanks EG! I'm excited to put the work in! Now to come up with a decent tracking system for daily use...

[Sovalis]

I love your set up and I think it’s very holistic. I am also on a long term journey, but I find breaking it up into the challenges makes it fresh  and functional rather than a grind. I am really proud of you for re-imagining what the challenge structure might look like for you. ❤️ 

 

Here to cheer, of course. 

[Jarric]

22 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Never before have I managed to not only survive my anxiety spiral but actively stop it and say, out loud, enough is enough. That I am enough. That I have worth, independent of any achievement. And believe it.

 

I love this for you ❤️

 

22 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

I had an epic bulk.

 

 

22 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

I can fall down. But I can also get up.

 

 

 

21 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

I am, of course, hoping I get an absolute answer and a solution that actually works. And hopefully  adjust my programme from the results. If not… well, I’ll be in the same situation that I am in now, just down a little money. Honestly, I don’t know what I do if I get… nowhere.  If the scan does not point to anything conclusive. If it’s more of the same ‘I think its X’, but no real way to telling beyond the word of whoever I see. Because where do I go from there? Do I give up on ever being able to run and hike again? Because that feels unthinkable, but this issue is getting more and more limiting, and I'm scared. I’m scared, guys. I have hope but I am tired.

 

When I had the MRI on my knee, it came back with nothing conclusive that was causing the problem. My initial thought was disappointment, but what it actually did was allowed the physio to say I wasn't going to make it worse by pushing hard on the rehab, and that there was lots of stuff I could do to help it. Having got nowhere for a few months leading up to the scan, the scan that couldn't find anything totally changed my recovery and I'm now running faster than I ever have. I can't promise it'll be the same for you, just saying that if the scan doesn't pinpoint a problem that doesn't mean it doesn't have value.

 

Following along, of course!

[Rhovaniel]

On 9/7/2024 at 4:27 PM, Sovalis said:

I love your set up and I think it’s very holistic. I am also on a long term journey, but I find breaking it up into the challenges makes it fresh  and functional rather than a grind. I am really proud of you for re-imagining what the challenge structure might look like for you. ❤️ 

 

Here to cheer, of course. 

Thank you! Trying to set out an actual tracker I can use daily is proving difficult, but I am not going to let it stop me starting! I feel like I'm starting an adventure, and that hope is a very important thing. 

 

On 9/7/2024 at 7:55 PM, Jarric said:

 

I love this for you ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I had the MRI on my knee, it came back with nothing conclusive that was causing the problem. My initial thought was disappointment, but what it actually did was allowed the physio to say I wasn't going to make it worse by pushing hard on the rehab, and that there was lots of stuff I could do to help it. Having got nowhere for a few months leading up to the scan, the scan that couldn't find anything totally changed my recovery and I'm now running faster than I ever have. I can't promise it'll be the same for you, just saying that if the scan doesn't pinpoint a problem that doesn't mean it doesn't have value.

 

Following along, of course!

That - is actually incredibly helpful, thank you. I have  a habit of thinking of worst case scenarios, and sometimes what I actually need is to remember exactly what the good can be in any situation.

 

 

 

Challenge starts tomorrow for me. I needed these days, of reset and planning. On Saturday, I went bouldering with a friend. Super nervous, because I wasn't sure if my calf would let me climb without pain and cramping. But it was fine. I got a good half dozen climbs -and a couple attempts - before it hurt. I stretched the heck out of it before, during and after, which I think helped. It was odd, stopping before my hands were completely done for, but there was a training area upstairs we went up to. Discovered I can still do monkey bars, which was amazing. It was just really nice to be able to do things. It reminded me that whilst this thing with my calf is limited, there are things I can still do. And that makes me happy.  

Got home, showered and started on something I have been putting off, but needed doing: sorting through my clothes. A lot of things I have are just too small to be comfortable now. I bought a few new tops that fit me, and whilst I definitely have mixed emotions about that, it is so so nice to wear something that is looser. I have held out on buying new clothes, convincing myself I'd lose weight and fit better in my current ones. It just reinforced how uncomfortable I am in my body, in those too small now clothes. So, I divided them into three piles: Fits (for current wardrobe), Too small (but I want to keep it) and Either fits or doesn't, but don't want to keep. The middle pile got folded up and put in a large underbed storage bag. There are still two drawers of stuff, mainly leggings, to go through. But already my clothes are less cluttered and I feel like a weight is lifted. I don't need to rummage for a shirt that fits now, or try on a pair of jeans to go out, only to sigh at the tightness, take them off again, banish to the back of the wardrobe, reach for stretchy leggings... It feels a good way to begin the challenge. 

 

Today, I met a friend for brunch. Left in the pouring rain, got to her house to pick her up in a light drizzle. Did some shopping in warm sunshine. Was very odd! But, it is September and it is England, so really, anything can happen weather wise. Storms or heatwaves. Apparently we had a thunderstorm last night. I, thankfully, will sleep through pretty much anything if I am already asleep before the noise starts  D&D was great fun. I would recap, but don't want D_R to see any spoilers since he couldn't make it. But our characters are in a very sticky situation atm!

 

Chill afternoon after that, trying to figure out a tracking system without much joy. I shall try again tomorrow but for now, goodnight. Got to get up early to swim tomorrow!

[DarK_RaideR]

16 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

D&D was great fun. I would recap, but don't want D_R to see any spoilers since he couldn't make it. But our characters are in a very sticky situation atm!

I'm very curious to know, but at the same time I don't want to know so I won't have to separate player from character knowledge when it comes to decision making  

[Rhovaniel]

On 9/9/2024 at 2:46 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm very curious to know, but at the same time I don't want to know so I won't have to separate player from character knowledge when it comes to decision making  

No spoilers here, but I don't think I'll be giving anything away to say we definitely brought it on ourselves!  

 

 

A pretty good start to the challenge. I have gathered my supplies and set off into the dawn light, shaking off the sleep and eager to begin. I did not, however, swim yesterday. I did get up - eventually - but I couldn't find my pass to get into the pool and they are a stickler for not letting you in otherwise. I didn't want to waste the morning want my hauling my reluctant butt out of bed to go to waste, so I went for a walk in the fields near my house instead. It is lovely, and would be lovelier still without the noise of the road beyond its bounds, but there we are. A walk was had. Food was good - I bought a bag of expensive low sugar muesli weeks ago when it was on clearance at the supermarket, and decided it was a good way to open the challenge. It was pretty good actually, maple and pecan. It's annoyingly good, actually, because its too pricey to buy at full price! Lunch and dinner were technically ready meals, a large nectarine with one and some dried strawberries with the other, but I am giving it a pass, since it was the last week of my meal prep subscription (I tend to dip back into it whenever they email with a really good offer and I need a little reset). I also noticed that not only did I not snack yesterday at work, but I didn't feel the urge. Part of it was eating a fuller lunch an hour later than usual, and the other reason I think was because I was an hour later eating - I was busy. Not in an overwhelming busy way, but a 'this needs sorting, I need to hustle' kinda way. I had several balls to juggle and patients to call and I just kinda got into a flow. It felt good to solve problems.

Said issues crept into today, and I had to laugh: I was busy trying to sort it all out, call patients, play tetris to get them all in the new date, walk through the process with ones who couldn't rearrange (a consultant cancelled his list and rescheduled it for Thursday, I had to sort out calling the patients, fitting them into new appointments), field emails from other consultants wanting shit done and also ensure keep up with my normal, full workload of lists I had to get on the system before those patients arrived. Shit needed doing, I was getting it done. The part that made me laugh is a colleague - our personalities do not align - flapping about the problem to our other colleague on the phone (that she was not involved in sorting out, I may add) and also about a report she needed to chase for a patient (a daily occurrance) saying 'We're both having a really bad day over here'. I pulled a face but thankfully she didn't see me. I was busy but just chugging along, and honestly... I was having a great time. I was not bored, my typical state at work, and it was actually really nice to help patients when they peppered me with a bunch of questions. She's... everything is a Big Deal and Drama to her, so I'm used to tuning her out. But it made me realise that perspective really, really is everything! Food was good today, as well. I did snack later in the day, when the final patient got sorted, the handover email was written, all fires out and nothing that could not wait till tomorrow done. But it was another bag of dried strawberries and a chai latte, and it was intentional to mentally take a break before ramping down the thrusters to finish the day at a much more sedate pace  

 

Since I found my pass, I went swimming this morning. Got to invest in new goggles, these ones keep letting in water halfway through a length of the pool. But I got a half hour swim in, which isn't bad since it's also a 20 minute walk each way to get there. Did I mention I also need to get there by 6.30 to allow enough time to swim, shower, walk back, change, eat and go to work?  There is a perfectly good car park there, but students at the uni are not allowed to use it. And I have a student membership since I have not graduated yet - That's on Friday - and I think I need to wait for the alumni email to come through to switch memberships. My current one is half price of the full, no discount/alumni one though, so it's a decent trade off! 

 

 

And that is it. I will hopefully write up some narrative soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Laghail]

I'm so wildly on board for this theme and the self-acceptance engine behind it!

[Salinger]

Hey Rho!!

Its amazing that youre back here

Cheering you on!!!! xx

[Rhovaniel]

On 9/10/2024 at 11:19 PM, Laghail said:

I'm so wildly on board for this theme and the self-acceptance engine behind it!

Thank you... I needed to read that today. 

 

11 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Rho!!

Its amazing that youre back here

Cheering you on!!!! xx

Hey Sal! Yeah, I'm back. Thank you for being here still  

 

 

 

So... finding it hard to accept, or like, my body right now. My last minute dress I ordered for graduation tomorrow came but it sits too high, right at the collarbone and the last thing I want is to have a panic attack at graduation because of my clothes. But trying on my only other options in my wardrobe, that I hadn't even tried on because honestly, I thought they still fit... don't. The zip doesn't go up, and the only two that fit... one is a cherry print I wore to a wedding and looks very... summery. The other is more formal. It's a plain black dress I bought for my Grandma's funeral, in 2016. When it was too loose. It now barely, barely fits. I have tried very hard to think positively about the weight I've put on and how to get it off and gain my strength and fitness back. But this one hurt. My grandparents would probably be a bit disappointed in me, and that hurts more than I can express. They were my world. 

 

I also heard back about the phd. I didn't get it. They were lovely about it, and said my application was really, really strong, but its still a rejection and that still stings a little. Sorry, this update is very glum. But hey, look at me showing up when I want to hide, right? 

[Laghail]

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

But hey, look at me showing up when I want to hide, right? 

 

I feel you on the body struggles and wanting to hide. You ever have those days where you wish being a-corporeal was an option? Just not having to inhabit a body seems nice now and then.

 

Liam says he also got declined for two PhD programs right as he was graduating his masters program, and big commiseration. A few years later he applied again with a more focused research interest and got a better response from some of the places he tried. He said to tell you this doesn't have to be the end of your education journey if you still want to keep going.

[Elastigirl]

Sorry about the PHd. I know that meant a lot to you.

I think your grandparents would be super proud of you, and of all you have done.If they noticed your weight gain, they might think, it would be healthier for you if you lost weight(if they thought about it all) but I don't think they'd be disappointed.

 

That said, yeah, I've gained weight, and there  are clothes that don't fit.  It's hard not to feel like a failure when I try them on.  I decided to buy some clothes that did fit me and that I feel good in. THhat has helped a bunch. My next step is to put those clothes that are too small in a box, so I don't inadvertently try them on, and have to deal with all the emotions

[Sovalis]

I'm sorry about the phD, Rho. That's disappointing. I hope you don't let it stop you from applying to other programs. ?

 

Clothes suck and I'm sorry you're struggling with them so close to a deadline, that's super stressful. I hope something works out for you that you can be comfortable enough in to manage the day. ???

[Salinger]

Sending love Rho xx

[ShadowLion]

Just catching up...What a powerful realization in your first topic post  of how amazing your body is and smart framing of your weight as having had an "epic bulk".  I love you've set up your challenge up as a momentous adventure!

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your calf and not getting the phD program, and I understand the weight struggles and stress. The path winds, but you are on your way to the mountain and refusing to hide. Keep at it - you really are on an epic quest, and you can do it!

 

[MaeradCase]

On 9/6/2024 at 3:42 PM, Rhovaniel said:

I’m starting this challenge in what feels like the dawn of a new era. And whilst inevitably the shine will fade, the shadows will lengthen and I will again need to rally my strength and punch anxiety in the dick, along with the confidence stealing fear and lack of self-belief, I think this really will be different. Never before have I managed to not only survive my anxiety spiral but actively stop it and say, out loud, enough is enough. That I am enough. That I have worth, independent of any achievement. And believe it. Finally. Something deep down inside of me feels like it’s healing. Not all the way there, perhaps, but its healing.

While you're punching them in the dick, I'm the lady in Shrek yelling to get them with the chair.

Spoiler

(gif in spoiler because it's short and repetitive)

 

On 9/6/2024 at 3:42 PM, Rhovaniel said:

Which leads me to a sudden realisation I had soaking up late summer sunshine, walking through a field a couple of mornings ago. Thinking about wanting to go on adventures, feeling frustrated about my weight and not doing much about it in the last two weeks (see previous challenge). And I kind of realised that mindset is everything when a thought came to me.

 

My body is an amazing thing. The absurdity of hating it finally seems to have hit home. I've been so focused on dislike, of my belly. My thighs. My face, even. It's fuller than it used to be. But I could be angry at myself and berating myself, or I can reframe it and acknowledge that I was just in the preparation phase for a magnificent adventure. I didn’t just ‘gain weight’. I had an epic bulk.

 

It's like a heavy backpack full of food, filled in preparation for a long adventure. That pack will change shape and size as I use the food and turn it to energy, to fuel the adventure. Like Frodo and the setting out from Hobbiton lightly moaning about the weight of his pack and later finding himself and Sam down to a few precious wafers of Lembas on the long, perilous journey to Mordor. I am that pack of food.

 

 

I don't hate the full pack for being big, bulky and heavy. Well, I might grumble with the effort of carrying it. But I also know it's everything I need to sustain me for the weeks and months ahead, on a journey where food will be scarce, where the bulky pack means life, and continuing the adventure rather than turning back, and missing out on the things that make life beautiful and fun for me.

Reframing it has made all the difference. Sure, I weigh more than I want to weigh, and more than is healthy for me. But that just means that I have a heavy, bulky pack full of energy I can use. I'm all stocked up now. So, let's go have that adventure. To where? Well, to the Mountain of Knowledge!

 

???? Awesome reframe! I'm excited to catch up!

[MaeradCase]

On 9/6/2024 at 3:47 PM, Rhovaniel said:

The day to day grind is, well, the grind. Each workout, nutritious meal and habit change for the better is a step, a mile, a day closer to the goal. and forum updates will help to both keep me accountable and to show me how far I come. Because one day, I will try to think back to this time, when I weighed more and was just starting to feel my way to the adventurous, strong woman I became, and time will do what time does and it will feel hard to imagine. It will give me free reign to write little narrative bits and hone my writing skills – maybe nothing happens but a pleasant days’ journeying and encountering a lovely little wayfarer’s inn on the road? Who knows.

 

This, obviously, is a much more long term goal than can be reached in the confines of a challenge. I had a battle log once, but the vibe is different and I quite like breaking this down into chapters, where I can experiment with what works and what does not.

I whole heartedly think this sounds awesome! Safe Exciting Travels to you. ?

[Rhovaniel]

On 9/12/2024 at 11:05 PM, Laghail said:

 

I feel you on the body struggles and wanting to hide. You ever have those days where you wish being a-corporeal was an option? Just not having to inhabit a body seems nice now and then.

 

Liam says he also got declined for two PhD programs right as he was graduating his masters program, and big commiseration. A few years later he applied again with a more focused research interest and got a better response from some of the places he tried. He said to tell you this doesn't have to be the end of your education journey if you still want to keep going.

Thanks. Yeah, being able to do without the confines of the meat suit does sound like it would be a lovely break sometimes. Especially today, but that's another matter

 

It definitely won't be the end of my education journey. It was a blow, but not a fatal one. 

 

 

On 9/12/2024 at 11:23 PM, Elastigirl said:

Sorry about the PHd. I know that meant a lot to you.

I think your grandparents would be super proud of you, and of all you have done. If they noticed your weight gain, they might think, it would be healthier for you if you lost weight(if they thought about it all) but I don't think they'd be disappointed.

 

That said, yeah, I've gained weight, and there  are clothes that don't fit.  It's hard not to feel like a failure when I try them on.  I decided to buy some clothes that did fit me and that I feel good in. THhat has helped a bunch. My next step is to put those clothes that are too small in a box, so I don't inadvertently try them on, and have to deal with all the emotions

Thank you EG. It did, but at the same time, maybe it just wasn't the right one for right now. 

As for my grandparents, I don't know. My grandma definitely would be the one to notice and to call me out on it. She pointed out my sister's weight gain before my sister told anyone she was pregnant. 

 

Having clothes that fit properly is a real help. Especially today. But this one was a dress that I thought did fit... which it sorta did, in the end!

 

 

On 9/13/2024 at 1:55 AM, Sovalis said:

I'm sorry about the phD, Rho. That's disappointing. I hope you don't let it stop you from applying to other programs. ?

 

Clothes suck and I'm sorry you're struggling with them so close to a deadline, that's super stressful. I hope something works out for you that you can be comfortable enough in to manage the day. ???

Thank you. It definitely won't stop me, I just need to regroup . I managed to get away with my dress choice in the end!

 

On 9/13/2024 at 5:32 AM, Salinger said:

Sending love Rho xx

Thank you Sal!

 

On 9/13/2024 at 9:39 PM, ShadowLion said:

Just catching up...What a powerful realization in your first topic post  of how amazing your body is and smart framing of your weight as having had an "epic bulk".  I love you've set up your challenge up as a momentous adventure!

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your calf and not getting the phD program, and I understand the weight struggles and stress. The path winds, but you are on your way to the mountain and refusing to hide. Keep at it - you really are on an epic quest, and you can do it!

 

Thank you! Reframing it really has made a world of difference. They'll be bumps on the road of course, but that is what makes for a good adventure!

 

 

On 9/14/2024 at 12:28 PM, MaeradCase said:

While you're punching them in the dick, I'm the lady in Shrek yelling to get them with the chair.

  Reveal hidden contents

(gif in spoiler because it's short and repetitive)

 

???? Awesome reframe! I'm excited to catch up!

I love this! Thank you. 

On 9/15/2024 at 1:34 PM, MaeradCase said:

I whole heartedly think this sounds awesome! Safe Exciting Travels to you. ?

Thanks!

 

I am sorry - I thought I had updated here but this morning realised that I had not hit the submit reply button! OOPS.

 

 

So, graduation was last Friday and it went really well. I was lying awake thinking about what to wear and something just told me to try the dress again, but this time pull it on overhead instead of using the zip. It worked! So I didn't have to go through the day in a dress I didn't feel comfortable in.  I was still self-conscious about my size, but it did not stop me enjoying the day. Wore heels and did not fall or trip at all, which is a miracle given the length of the aisle in that cathedral, so that was all good. The best part was that I saw my supervisor - who technically I have not actually met in person in something like seven years because my meetings with her were all online. It was so good to chat after the ceremony, discuss ideas... she has already told me she'd be honoured to supervise a phd of mine too, so that was really cool. I have one small little issue though... I am still struggling to put together a research proposal. I don't yet know what it is I want to do - furthering my studies of fidelity, possibly. Something connected to the history of emotions almost certainly. But I don't have anything concrete and I really need to get a wiggle on with that. 

 

Other than that, not much happened this week. I did go away last weekend to a forest cabin holiday... was nice, but at the same time, but not amazing. Small niggles with the cabin, mostly. There were a couple of lovely forest paths I walked a fair bit and one was flat and gentle for a fair distance. I threw caution to the wind and jogged it for a minute or two. It didn't hurt! It - I genuinely cannot remember the last time I ran any distance, any at all, when it didn't hurt. Usually the pain kicks in within a minute. I forgot how incredible it is! It gives me a lot more hope going into my ultrasound appointment tomorrow than I had. 

 

Oh, one more thing. I held out for a year, guys. Because I knew I would dive headfirst into this thing and lose hours and days to this thing before resurfacing. I bought myself Baldur's Gate 3 as a graduation present to myself. Let's just say I have not had productive evenings this week, and have had to set an alarm to send myself to bed, or else its midnight before I realise! It is so much fun, though small things annoy me, mostly as a DnD player (where are my held actions! Why does getting up after being downed take your action, since someone else already used theirs to get you up? Also, is it just me or does that just look like someone taps you on the butt and suddenly you're not dying anymore lol). I have heard alot about romancing options and honestly, was just gonna ignore that stuff BUT ngl, I think because its wound in with the character backstories, I am exploring a couple of those options. I do not understand the hype for Astarion though... 

 

 

[Rhovaniel]

Hi all.

 

Been - a hell of a week. My Dad landed back in hospital. He is finally out, with antibiotics, but his kidneys have taken a big hit (again). It's hard, knowing how much he has deteriorated, and that really, he isn't going to get better. I doubt it will be long before he is going to need dialysis. So, that was a bit of a stressful few days, not knowing what was wrong and how severe, etc. 

 

The other thing is that I had my physio/diagnostic scan on Monday morning. Not quite sure what I was expecting, honestly. But I was not expecting to be told it's not my muscles at all, and instead likely an issue with blood supply. He said he wanted to get a second opinion, and on Wednesday he got back to me: I need to see a orthopedic surgeon. Which means. if it IS what they think it is, the treatment is likely be surgery. Which I am not going to lie, did not anticipate ever being a possibility. So that's been rattling round my brain, and trying to get authorisation for treatment through my medical insurance requires seeing my GP and getting them to fill out a form, which could take who knows how long. 

 

Safe to say, not much progress was made this week. Except, I have overall eaten less chocolate and junk, and put a hard stop on drinking coke. Mostly COke Zero and Pepsi Max, so no calories as such, but I was getting through a good 3 cans a day, minimum, and figured that really cannot be healthy. Thankfully, I drank them 90% because of their convenience, so ensuring a steady supply of water is nearby has been enough to mean I am not missing it too much. The increased tiredness and headaches mean I was definitely having too much caffeine though - I am still drinking coffee most days and at least one tea a day, but I will either need to see if my body will adapt to less caffeine, increase the amount I drink through non-fizzy drink means or go cold turkey and cut it out entirely. I dislike option 3 .  

 

Baldur's Gate is still alot of fun, but I am having to put it aside to work on my phd proposal, which has got precisely no where. I just - cannot think what to do, what sources to look at. Much like a traveller who does not know where they want to go next, only that they really, really want to go somewhere, I am spinning the globe and trying to figure out what speaks to me. Because its going to be my life for 3 years. It better be interesting to start with!

 

[MaeradCase]

6 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Hi all.

 

Been - a hell of a week. My Dad landed back in hospital. He is finally out, with antibiotics, but his kidneys have taken a big hit (again). It's hard, knowing how much he has deteriorated, and that really, he isn't going to get better. I doubt it will be long before he is going to need dialysis. So, that was a bit of a stressful few days, not knowing what was wrong and how severe, etc. 

Sorry to hear he wasn't doing well. ?

 

6 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

The other thing is that I had my physio/diagnostic scan on Monday morning. Not quite sure what I was expecting, honestly. But I was not expecting to be told it's not my muscles at all, and instead likely an issue with blood supply. He said he wanted to get a second opinion, and on Wednesday he got back to me: I need to see a orthopedic surgeon. Which means. if it IS what they think it is, the treatment is likely be surgery. Which I am not going to lie, did not anticipate ever being a possibility. So that's been rattling round my brain, and trying to get authorisation for treatment through my medical insurance requires seeing my GP and getting them to fill out a form, which could take who knows how long. 

? That is a very unexpected cause. 

I hope you are able to get a definite answer and an easy transition into whatever that needs.

 

6 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Safe to say, not much progress was made this week. Except, I have overall eaten less chocolate and junk, and put a hard stop on drinking coke. Mostly Coke Zero and Pepsi Max, so no calories as such, but I was getting through a good 3 cans a day, minimum, and figured that really cannot be healthy. Thankfully, I drank them 90% because of their convenience, so ensuring a steady supply of water is nearby has been enough to mean I am not missing it too much. The increased tiredness and headaches mean I was definitely having too much caffeine though - I am still drinking coffee most days and at least one tea a day, but I will either need to see if my body will adapt to less caffeine, increase the amount I drink through non-fizzy drink means or go cold turkey and cut it out entirely. I dislike option 3 .  

Keeping water handy sounds like a good technique. ♥️ Good job!

 

6 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Baldur's Gate is still a lot of fun, but I am having to put it aside to work on my phd proposal, which has got precisely no where. I just - cannot think what to do, what sources to look at. Much like a traveller who does not know where they want to go next, only that they really, really want to go somewhere, I am spinning the globe and trying to figure out what speaks to me. Because its going to be my life for 3 years. It better be interesting to start with!

Sorry my job transition is presently keeping me too busy to read during the day, but I am still excited to read your thesis. ?

I can understand the sensation of having completed it and then having to figure out what comes next. ?