[juliebarkley]

This gets very personal and vulnerable. But I feel like I really need to spend some time working on myself and looking at my uglier parts, so it is unavoidable that it will get personal and vulnerable. I apologize in advance for the oversharing. I've bolded the actual goal parts for anyone who would rather avoid it.

 

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I have been struggling for a while now. It feels like life is very hard, and I am anxious a lot of the time. Yet probably, objectively, things aren't really all that bad. So why am I struggling so much?

 

I ran across something today about the idea of "seasons of life". That when you are in a particular phase of life, there's no point in lamenting that it is not something else. It is what it is. Accept it for that, and find the opportunities there. Doing otherwise will not only make you unhappy, but will keep you from finding the joys that this season, however difficult, and bring, and the lessons it can teach.

 

This struck a note for me. I feel like I've become a very negative person lately. Sort of fallen into a victim mentality. There have been some big life changes over the last year, and it has been a lot. But I've spent too much time focused on the negatives, without looking enough at the opportunities and lessons for growth that the changes have brought. This has left me anxious and unable to cope well with even small challenges as they arise.

 

So, this challenge, I want to take steps to turn that around. Some are things I've already done before. Some are new. Probably I will not do all of the things. But that is okay. I want to move things in the right direction, not make things perfect overnight.

 

1. A negative mindset is only adding the anxiety I already feel. I am going to purposely look for positive things and things to be grateful for, and write these down every day. Likely before bed. To do: I need to get something to write them on, and with, and get that set up in a good location.

 

2. In addition to the above, I want to try daily journalling to see how it clicks. It has become clear that my post-Covid no-longer-being-able-to-repress-emotions has teamed up with an existing tendency to be clingy with people I care about (anxious attachment, boo) and leaning on them is becoming a form of emotional manipulation at times, and my neediness is wearing them out. This is obviously destructive to said relationships. I don't like hurting the people I care about (myself included). I don't want to be this way. I don't want to repress the emotions again, but I also don't want to make them someone else's problem unless I really need to. (Obviously we all need support sometimes.) So I am hoping that the journalling will help me to express and release the emotions without burdening others, hopefully lessening my anxiety and helping me deal with my clingy tendencies too. And maybe help me see some of the lessons of my current season of life. Just a lot of potential benefit here.

 

3. I am going to do a short meditation every day. Not sure if guided or just setting a timer. I think this will help with the whole "feeling your feelings" thing (which I will also be working on), and also with acceptance. To do: nothing really. I still have the apps on my phone from before.

 

4. I am going to either walk or exercise every day. This should help with clearing thoughts, coping with anxiety, and just honestly doing something for myself that I don't do often enough. To do: make sure that I have basement space cleared for indoor exercise.

 

5. I am going to resume trying to make connections in my community. As I prepared for my big vacation and then realized how very much work summer was going to be, I stopped trying to get out and meet people. But the meeting people had actually been really successful and there are definitely some folks that I would like to spend more time with and get to know better. And there are still lots of groups I haven't tested out at all yet that I meant to. Some will be duds. But as my earlier experience shows, some won't, and that makes it worth it. This is an opportunity of my current life season that I want to take advantage of. To do: find the list I had made of places to try to meet people. Some may need to be checked again.

 

If I think of anything else, I will add it.

[Artemis Prime]

7 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

It feels like life is very hard, and I am anxious a lot of the time. Yet probably, objectively, things aren't really all that bad. So why am I struggling so much?

This is hard. I have discovered that it is possible, with practice, to let both things be true that "things are not really all that bad right now" and "things feel hard right now," and to validate those feelings. Things are allowed to feel hard. I think accepting the season is a great way to frame that.

 

7 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

I am going to purposely look for positive things and things to be grateful for, and write these down every day.

I did a challenge like this once where I didn't really have any goals, I just posted one positive thing about each day. It turned out to be super helpful. May it be so for you as well.

[juliebarkley]

16 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

This is hard. I have discovered that it is possible, with practice, to let both things be true that "things are not really all that bad right now" and "things feel hard right now," and to validate those feelings. Things are allowed to feel hard. I think accepting the season is a great way to frame that.

It is a thing to practice. Definitely not something I find easy.

 

16 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

I did a challenge like this once where I didn't really have any goals, I just posted one positive thing about each day. It turned out to be super helpful. May it be so for you as well.

I have done it before with middling success. Hoping for better this time around. I'm glad it was helpful for you as well when you needed it.

 

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1&2. I think I'm going to use my computer to do the gratitude and general journalling. I have a feeling that if I get a physical object to write in, I will be "too tired" a lot of the time. Will do this after this post.

 

3. Meditation happened, less because I planned it than that it became necessary. It turns out that doing straight from reading two-sentence horror stories to doing a babytime is a big mental shift. I was already feeling not great from migraine hangover, so I took about ten minutes to sit, chill, and regroup before the parents and babies arrived. (Also, a funny moment: I have a baby doll that I use to model the actions for the songs during babytime. I sat it on the storytime carpet with the egg shakers and scarves, then left the room to go back to researching ghost stories and horror tales. Totally forgot that I had left it there, and scared myself when I returned and it was sitting there looking at me through the door.)

 

4. Took a nice walk. It's getting kind of chilly at night now, and I need a shawl. The path was nice and dark and calm.

 

5. I have mostly not wanted to talk to anyone for about a week now - just a bunch of stuff happened at once and I just shut down for a while. Today I texted back someone who I owed that to. We had a social thing planned for the weekend that was thankfully cancelled, so perhaps we can set up something else sometime soon.

[Artemis Prime]

10 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Totally forgot that I had left it there, and scared myself when I returned and it was sitting there looking at me through the door.)

Ha! Definitely an interesting tableau after diving into horror tales. I'd have noped right out of there, thank you very much.

[juliebarkley]

12 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

Ha! Definitely an interesting tableau after diving into horror tales. I'd have noped right out of there, thank you very much.

My coworker jumped too, and she hadn't even been reading horror stories. Something about dolls.

 

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1&2. Done. Also did yesterday, just to confirm for accountability.

 

3. I think it was maybe five minutes. I was trying to do a bit of a body scan, but I think my mind wandered briefly and I ended up crying. I don't know, maybe that's part of what the body scan is supposed to do, help you feel what you are feeling? So, not sure if I did the meditation "correctly", but I think it was useful either way.

 

4. Took a walk along the riverside path on the way back from an appointment. Mosquitoes are out, bleh. I also checked out the new sidewalk that they're installing along a street very near mine. It's all new and nice. The sidewalk on my street is supposed to be extended next spring, according to the official plan, but I had heard from other people that it's been in the plans for years but always delayed. This new sidewalk is giving me hope that it will happen - it's more evidence that council cares about pedestrians and other non-car users. (It is far too busy a section of road to have none, with far more traffic than some neighbouring streets that do have one. I can only assume that there is/was some particularly vocal person who lived here who didn't want a sidewalk.)

 

5. This I did not do today.

 

It's been a pretty chill day, which has been nice. I spent some time outside playing Pokemon (they did a big update recently, and I had to visit some new spots). I read through a book of modern adaptations of historic recipes. (I have no intention of doing any of the recipes, I just enjoyed the history notes.) And now I'm going through some other books from my giant pile of books to see what I can return. Even supper was pretty easy and tasty - grilled cheese with smoked Oka cheese, plus a vegetable soup with some leftover rice and a bit of tofu. It's given me some of the relaxation I tried and failed to get over the weekend, so I'm grateful for that.

 

Spoiler

My therapist pointed out something today. She reminded me that I am trying to change a maladaptive pattern that's been more than 40 years in the making, and that is very hard, and I seem to be expecting perfection. I'm going to screw up, and I can hold myself accountable for that while also being compassionate with myself. She also pointed out that my inner critic is very harsh and she's not seeing any compassion. I don't really know how to hold both accountability and compassion - the whole "be kind to yourself" thing is not something I'm good at. But it is a thing to think about.

 

[Jean]

Spoiler

Being kind to myself is also a struggle of mine. One thing I have realized is that I tend to treat myself very differently than I treat other people. "I can take it", "I can sacrifice care and keep going on", "this must be done so I'll make violence to myself for it to be done" and in contrast, to others, "you can't lead that fight while being in shambles yourself, take some rest, regroup and come at it with a fresher mind, we'll handle things in the meantime".

 

I try to address it by taking an outside view of myself and treating myself like another person. What would I say to a friend/colleague in my situation? And what would I expect them to do?

 

I practice the reverse too: I tend to be too nice to people, which can hamper growth and deprive them of experiences that could have made them learn. There, I try to figure out "what would I do if I were in their situation?", "what are the things I will have to set aside to help them if I decide to do it and is the trade worth it?" and "Is there something to learn by doing things by oneself, even if it involves failing, and what can I do to accompany them through it without walking the path in their stead?".

 

Be kind to yourself the way we would want to be kind to you.

 

Edit:

Spoiler

The motto "be kind, not nice" also applies to help staying accountable while also giving ourselves some space. "Is this the kind thing to do? Or the nice thing to do?" are questions that may also help.

 

[Artemis Prime]

5 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

So, not sure if I did the meditation "correctly", but I think it was useful either way.

I'm not sure what constitutes "correct" meditation, but this sounds like it to me.

 

5 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Spoiler

I don't really know how to hold both accountability and compassion

 

Spoiler

I think an excellent starting point to balance accountability and compassion is to recognize that we develop maladaptive behaviors for a reason - at one point, they seemed (or perhaps even were) helpful to us. Recognizing that you have outgrown them and that they must change is the accountability part. But being kind to your past self for developing them and acknowledging how they helped you navigate a difficult or unhealthy situation is the compassionate part.

 

[juliebarkley]

15 hours ago, Jean said:

Be kind to yourself the way we would want to be kind to you.

It is so much easier said that done. It feels like giving excuses.

 

15 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

Spoiler

I think an excellent starting point to balance accountability and compassion is to recognize that we develop maladaptive behaviors for a reason - at one point, they seemed (or perhaps even were) helpful to us. Recognizing that you have outgrown them and that they must change is the accountability part. But being kind to your past self for developing them and acknowledging how they helped you navigate a difficult or unhealthy situation is the compassionate part.

 

Spoiler

The bit I find hard is bringing that into the present. I can see how the behaviour developed and why. But when I mess up with it NOW, when I've already noticed it and decided it must change, is where I'm having the trouble. Because I want to hold myself accountable for my missteps and not use the past as an excuse to let me off the hook, but also not hold myself to some unrealistic standard of perfection when changing behaviour is hard, and I don't know how to do both at once. It feels like it might with a drug addiction, where one slip and you could lose everything.

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1&2. Done.

 

3. Unless you count micromeditation of just stopping to breathe for a minute to calm down, this did not happen.

 

4. I did not really have time to either exercise or walk, but I did get out on my break to enjoy the sunshine.

 

5. I spent some time in a new game, which is socializing, but not "connect with the local community" socializing. Still, it was nice.

 

Was really tense this morning, with stomach cramps bad and long-lasting enough I thought there was a chance it could be early appendicitis. Managed to relax a lot by the end of the workday though, and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I get to meet up with my teen volunteers for actual work for the first time  - they are meant to help me figure out a Halloween display and make pirate photo booth accessories. I hope that they are not too sensitive - my morning peopling is, shall we say, very direct.

[Jean]

9 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

It is so much easier said that done. It feels like giving excuses.

Spoiler

It IS easier said than done. Walking the walk is and has always been the harder part. The good news is that while you get to make all the efforts, you also get to reap all the rewards. Go get them, you're worth it.

 

For context: I'm just pushing ideas, you may or may not feel they're worth pondering and will and should do what you feel you want to do (that is discarding or pondering them). It's probably very obvious to you but I like to remind it when I dive deeper into my own framing for my inside world. Of course, you can cut this exchange whenever you want if you think it isn't fruitful.

There's probably an emotional approach to this, and there's probably a systemic approach that gives the proper steps to avoid self bashing traps. My approach is a rational one: I have observed that when I beat myself up with my failures, instead of getting better results, what I get is that I am in a darker state of mind, with less energy, less motivation and a lack of confidence that I can actually do the thing if I make an affirmative attempt at it. That is not a place where I want to be.

 

The place I'm trying to be in, instead, is the one where failure is but a step toward success and we can still win the game as long as we're not knocked out. We win when we get back up one more time than we've been knocked down. We loose when the attempts we do are no longer affirmative and dealt with the actual intent to deliver results. Not actually trying is giving up.

 

On that note: going at things without the rest and energy required for actual success qualifies as an attempt for failure so giving ourselves the actual space needed for success (but not more) is important for me to include in the process.

 

The compassionate part is:

 

1) Rewarding myself for my attempts -> failing isn't a mistake, the mistake is not making an attempt at all. We only get scars if we go into the fight in the first place: we should wear our scars proudly.

 

2) Celebrating that I get to fight another day -> I may have been knocked down/not performed to my expectations but I am still in a shape that can allow to reach my goals. I can reach my goals; that warrants rejoicing.

 

The neutral part is:

 

3) Analyzing what went wrong.

 

4) Setting apart what is in my control and what is not.

 

Doing that requires a balance between:

4a) the compassionate view, that may tend to assess that things weren't in my control when they were ;

and

4b) the accountability view, that may tend to assess that things were in my control that were not.

 

The fore-accountability part is:

 

5) Assessing what I can do better.

6) Write it down in a place I can easily reach and get back to.

 

The accountability part is:

 

7) The next time I fail to perform to my expectations, get back to my sheet, honestly review what I've done in regards to the steps I had designed and:

 

8a) if things are evolving, repeat the process at step 1), draw a new sheet and move forward.

8b) if things are running in circles: seek outside help -> I apparently can't get myself out of that particular hole on my own.

 

On that last point: seeking outside help isn't weakness; when it's what is needed for us to become a better person or simply just keep going on, it is wisdom. As always, the hard part is knowing where and how to search and actually getting the help we need delivered to us.

 

[juliebarkley]

Spoiler

20 hours ago, Jean said:

For context: I'm just pushing ideas, you may or may not feel they're worth pondering and will and should do what you feel you want to do (that is discarding or pondering them). It's probably very obvious to you but I like to remind it when I dive deeper into my own framing for my inside world. Of course, you can cut this exchange whenever you want if you think it isn't fruitful.

I like hearing your perspective!

 

20 hours ago, Jean said:

There's probably an emotional approach to this, and there's probably a systemic approach that gives the proper steps to avoid self bashing traps. My approach is a rational one: I have observed that when I beat myself up with my failures, instead of getting better results, what I get is that I am in a darker state of mind, with less energy, less motivation and a lack of confidence that I can actually do the thing if I make an affirmative attempt at it. That is not a place where I want to be.

This is very true.

 

20 hours ago, Jean said:

The place I'm trying to be in, instead, is the one where failure is but a step toward success and we can still win the game as long as we're not knocked out. We win when we get back up one more time than we've been knocked down. We loose when the attempts we do are no longer affirmative and dealt with the actual intent to deliver results. Not actually trying is giving up.

 

On that note: going at things without the rest and energy required for actual success qualifies as an attempt for failure so giving ourselves the actual space needed for success (but not more) is important for me to include in the process.

This is also true, though it feels a bit weird to apply it to this particular problem. However, lack of sleep does very strongly correlate with lack of self-control.

 

20 hours ago, Jean said:

The compassionate part is:

 

1) Rewarding myself for my attempts -> failing isn't a mistake, the mistake is not making an attempt at all. We only get scars if we go into the fight in the first place: we should wear our scars proudly.

 

2) Celebrating that I get to fight another day -> I may have been knocked down/not performed to my expectations but I am still in a shape that can allow to reach my goals. I can reach my goals; that warrants rejoicing.

This is what I would describe as putting a space between yourself and your actions. Your intention rather than your result is the most important part, and failing does not make you a failed person. Would you extend this to the more morals/ethics struggles, where if you do something wrong either without meaning to or because you slipped in a pattern you are trying to change, that it does not make you a bad person?

 

20 hours ago, Jean said:

The neutral part is:

 

3) Analyzing what went wrong.

 

4) Setting apart what is in my control and what is not.

 

Doing that requires a balance between:

4a) the compassionate view, that may tend to assess that things weren't in my control when they were ;

and

4b) the accountability view, that may tend to assess that things were in my control that were not.

#4 can be extremely hard in some cases. I am thinking of a particular case where once I was in a situation where an outside observer could reasonably believe that I had lots of opportunities to get out of it. But from my own perspective at the time, those things would not have occurred to me as options and I was doing the very best that I could.

 

20 hours ago, Jean said:

On that last point: seeking outside help isn't weakness; when it's what is needed for us to become a better person or simply just keep going on, it is wisdom. As always, the hard part is knowing where and how to search and actually getting the help we need delivered to us.

That is what I told myself when I sought out therapy! Entirely different prompting issue, but it was as you describe in 8b. Going around in circles trying to deal with something on my own that I just wasn't making headway with.

 

I'm not sure how to adapt your technique to my present situation, but I shall have a think on it. This challenge is my basic plan, but I am lacking some of your steps, such as the planning ahead for risky moments step.

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1&2. Done! 1 was especially easy today, as my teen volunteers were fun and helpful.

 

3. Yup. One of the library books I was checking was also about meditation, randomly. They suggested an exercise to learn to focus on one sense only by placing attention on a candle flame for 3 minutes and redirecting to that. Sounds like a fun thing to try tomorrow.

 

4. Took a walk by myself after my son (who was planning to come) fell asleep. (He needs the sleep.) I ended up with thoughts in dark places, but I also noticed this and pointed out the catastrophizing I was doing, which is probably a good thing to notice. I saw a frog, I hung out by the edge of the river and watched the little fish swimming and jumping for bugs, and I saw Orion, which always makes me smile. Orion is my favourite constellation.

 

5. I spent enough time today with new people that I was in no need of socializing after work.

 

I failed to get enough sleep last night due to some events that happened where I needed to support someone, and that was more important than the sleep. So I was a little worried about meeting up with my teen volunteers for our first real event. As I have strongly hinted before, I am not a morning person. But it ended up going super well. They helped me plan out a Halloween display with bats and spiders. One of them brought in a few props to lend the library, including a big hairy spider and a skull. She made them reading glasses and fake books, and it was adorable. Then they made some piratey things (or tried to - my male volunteer is not the crafty sort and really just wants to do TAG but I don't have quite the people yet. But he tried, bless him.)

 

That all made work go really fast. I didn't do much after work, just played a game. But I'm okay with that.

[juliebarkley]

1&2. Done in brief as it is very late, but done.

 

3. Meditation while looking at a flame is very different from the meditation I was doing before. I was surprised at how different it felt. Apparently the goal is to teach you to focus on only one channel of sensory input, in order to ultimately show you that you experience is separate from both yourself and the world around you. Or something like that.

 

4. My walk was fairly brief, but I went with my son. We talked a little about the events of the last few days, because they were noteworthy and confusing and therefore worth talking about. I am not sure how to feel about what he told me, but I have to trust that he knows what he's doing and can make the right choices for himself.

 

5. This wasn't my own initiative, but I had someone I haven't spoken to in quite a while reach out to me. She has written a new book in Toki Pona and sent me a copy of the prototype, and also sent me a website with a set of Ojibwe lessons, written by someone she knows, that I had completely missed while looking for resources on that language. So that was pretty cool. (And I should probably find my book and actually try to learn Toki Pona one of these days).

 

Fairly chill weekend. Went through some library books and did some reading during the day, played some games (Catan and Azul) and hung out sharing TV shows from our childhoods with my son and his girlfriend in the evening.

 

My cat is once again not spending time with me, and we noticed that she's avoiding food and starting to smell bad again. She's also extremely thin. We gave her an appetite stimulant, and have an anti-nausea pill to give her tomorrow, but this is not good news. At least she does seem to be drinking. But she needs to eat. There will be no more rehydration cycles; it was very unpleasant and it only prolongs the inevitable. So let us hope the two kinds of pills will buy a little time.

[juliebarkley]

1. I only had one thing for today, but that's enough to count.

 

2. Also done.

 

3. I woke up and just didn't want to get up, so I took the opportunity to do another body scan meditation. Kind of nice to get this done so early!

 

4. No walk or exercise happened today.

 

5. I didn't socialize with people in my physical community, but I did hang out with my fellow election nerds and watch the results of the Elmwood-Transcona and LaSalle-Émard-Verdun byelections come in, until almost 3am. It was lots of fun.

 

The cat continues to do poorly. We had a talk about when to call it done for her. If she doesn't eat, it will be soon.

[Sepherina]

3 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

The cat continues to do poorly. We had a talk about when to call it done for her. If she doesn't eat, it will be soon

Poor Kitty.  I am sorry.

[Artemis Prime]

6 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

The cat continues to do poorly. We had a talk about when to call it done for her. If she doesn't eat, it will be soon.

It is a hard thing, but the last duty of a pet owner. 

[Heidi]

On 9/11/2024 at 2:02 AM, juliebarkley said:

I ran across something today about the idea of "seasons of life". That when you are in a particular phase of life, there's no point in lamenting that it is not something else. It is what it is. Accept it for that, and find the opportunities there. Doing otherwise will not only make you unhappy, but will keep you from finding the joys that this season, however difficult, and bring, and the lessons it can teach.

I found a lot of help in this, too, about 10 years ago, and it made a big difference in how I lived. Not just this 'phase' of my life in the big picture, but also in the way I was living each actual season: I cannot expect myself or the world to run like it did in July when it's October.

 

On 9/11/2024 at 2:02 AM, juliebarkley said:

my post-Covid no-longer-being-able-to-repress-emotions has teamed up with an existing tendency to be clingy with people I care about (anxious attachment, boo)

I love that you are being brave enough to look at this -- it can be so scary and feel so hard!

Do you have a therapist? I found that therapy gave me a great place to express my emotions and feel heard (which is what I really needed) without being a burden or expecting someone else to do something about my feelings. Quakers call this visibility, and I think it's really important, especially for those of us who tend to repress our emotions or invalidate how we are feeling.

 

On 9/11/2024 at 9:28 AM, Artemis Prime said:

This is hard. I have discovered that it is possible, with practice, to let both things be true that "things are not really all that bad right now" and "things feel hard right now," and to validate those feelings. Things are allowed to feel hard. I think accepting the season is a great way to frame that.

 

I did a challenge like this once where I didn't really have any goals, I just posted one positive thing about each day. It turned out to be super helpful. May it be so for you as well.

I agree with Artemis Prime on both things, from experience.

 

I really like the goals you chose and how they line up with the big picture things you are aiming for.

I'll catch up a bit.

Here to cheer you on!

[juliebarkley]

18 hours ago, Sepherina said:

Poor Kitty.  I am sorry.

 

15 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

It is a hard thing, but the last duty of a pet owner. 

Thanks. It is hard. She's trying so hard to drink right at this very moment and just not succeeding very well.

 

13 hours ago, Heidi said:

I love that you are being brave enough to look at this -- it can be so scary and feel so hard!

Do you have a therapist? I found that therapy gave me a great place to express my emotions and feel heard (which is what I really needed) without being a burden or expecting someone else to do something about my feelings. Quakers call this visibility, and I think it's really important, especially for those of us who tend to repress our emotions or invalidate how we are feeling.

I do, and last session she called me out for doing exactly what you say - minimizing feelings.

 

13 hours ago, Heidi said:

I agree with Artemis Prime on both things, from experience.

 

I really like the goals you chose and how they line up with the big picture things you are aiming for.

I'll catch up a bit.

Here to cheer you on!

Thanks! Glad to have you!

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1. & 2. Not yet, and possibly won't tonight. It's late and I may not have time. I will try for something quick.

 

3. I stopped on a bench on my walk and tried to just listen. Just breathe, and sit, and listen, without thinking. I think this is easier than the looking without thinking of the candle, but still took some time to get into.

 

4. I did my usual short walk route, which is conveniently a route for Pokemon Go. (You don't have to play while walking, just start and end the routes.) It was a beautiful full moon, very bright, lots of insect life chirping. Just cool enough that a shawl is desirable. Very lovely.

 

5. No.

 

I gave the cat a few differently shaped bowls of water tonight, as she seemed to be trying to drink but always wetting her nose instead. I sat with her a while while she tried. She was drooling a lot as well, which is probably a bad sign. Then when I left, she started meowing mournfully and she sounds so sad and alone that I am failing to hold it together right now. I can try the appetite stimulant and anti-nausea one more day, but I'm all but convinced that this is her end stage. I would legitimately not be shocked to wake up to a dead cat. This is very hard for everyone involved.

[juliebarkley]

I woke up at 7:30 to find my cat in the shower, meowing weakly and pitifully, in a small puddle of yellow drool. I brought her water, which she couldn't drink, and tried to make the tap drip for her, but this was just an effort to make her more comfortable. Seeing her like that, it was clear that she was suffering and it couldn't go on. There was no hope of improvement. We managed to get a euthanasia appointment at 9am. My son was able to be there too, to say goodbye to her. Goodbye, my sweet pretty kitty girl. I love you.

 

So I'm feeling less than amazing today.

 

This appears to be a season of letting go. Much like fall itself really. Some things die. Some creatures fly away elsewhere. And the world begins to look grayer, harsher, and more hopeless.

 

As the Earth turns, fall becomes winter becomes spring. The excess of summer is purged, the essential and important preserved, and new buds can spring forth in the space created. Life returns, either newly born or returned from its journey. I can only hope that this holds true for the metaphorical turn of seasons as well.

 

1. & 2. I am going to struggle with this today.

 

3. I needed this to get through the day, as I had to go straight to work after the appointment. I had a babytime to run in the afternoon too. It did not take a genius of meditation to feel the sadness in my body today.

 

4. I spent my breaks outside, and that is all that is going to happen today. I barely have the energy to type this post. I definitely do not have it for anything remotely active.

 

5. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I need a chance to process my own feelings first.

[Sepherina]

Sending love and hugs dear friend. 

[Jean]

Sending thoughts to you and your son.

[TimovieMan]

I'm so sorry for your loss - saying goodbye to a beloved pet is never easy...

[Heidi]

11 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I need a chance to process my own feelings first.

This is absolutely what you should do.

Sending support as you and your son process.

[Artemis Prime]

11 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

1. & 2. I am going to struggle with this today.

Positivity is important, but it is not everything. Today is a hard day, and that's okay. Recognizing the good things in life does not mean plastering over the hard things.

 

11 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

4. I spent my breaks outside, and that is all that is going to happen today. I barely have the energy to type this post. I definitely do not have it for anything remotely active.

 

5. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I need a chance to process my own feelings first.

100% understandable. Take all the time you need.

[juliebarkley]

On 9/18/2024 at 10:19 PM, Sepherina said:

Sending love and hugs dear friend. 

On 9/19/2024 at 12:12 AM, Jean said:

Sending thoughts to you and your son.

On 9/19/2024 at 6:24 AM, TimovieMan said:

I'm so sorry for your loss - saying goodbye to a beloved pet is never easy...

On 9/19/2024 at 8:59 AM, Heidi said:

This is absolutely what you should do.

Sending support as you and your son process.

Thanks for this. I appreciate it, I do.

 

On 9/19/2024 at 9:09 AM, Artemis Prime said:

Positivity is important, but it is not everything. Today is a hard day, and that's okay. Recognizing the good things in life does not mean plastering over the hard things.

That is good because I simply was not able.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For yesterday:

 

1. & 2. Done.

 

3. Did not do, thought about it in the middle of the day and then forgot.

 

4. Very long walk taken.

 

5. Darn it, I meant to and didn't.

 

Both Wednesday and Thursday were full days of work, one with extra hours due to staff illness/vacation. I didn't really get a chance to get as much sleep as I needed to or feel things until Thursday night. Sleep helps so much.

 

On Friday I mostly hung out and did nothing in particular, which was exactly what I needed to do.

[juliebarkley]

1. & 2. have not yet been completed.

 

3. has though. Did a very basic, sit-still-and-concentrate-on-your-breath meditation.

 

4. I took a walk down to a local coffee shop. It has a prominent pride flag out front, because the when the owners moved into town, they were determined to never live in the closet again. So my son and I jokingly call it the "gay bar", because it is the closest our town can come to that, and it does sometimes host gay events. But I was not there for a gay event, I was there to buy postcards. They are the only place in town with local postcards, and I needed one for a postcard exchange. I also picked up some scones from a local bakery that has a screen door that delicious smells waft through as you walk past. It's a very effective marketing strategy.

 

5. Well, I went out and shopped at local shops, if that counts? I also had to provide listening and counselling for someone.

[Jean]

17 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Well, I went out and shopped at local shops, if that counts?

I'd say it does. If you do that regularly, it may establish some kind of bond with the owners, the staff and or regulars of thoses shops.

I'd not do only that and consider it enough for making connections but it could certainly be part of my global arrangement of things to do and places to go regarding local bonding.