cn3wton, Battle log of Ages

[cn3wton]

Last night I made the conscious decision to stop f***ing around with my diet. 

 

To give you an idea of what my eating habits have looked like I will give you the typical plan for the day.

 

Breakfast - Stop on the way into work at either Dunkin or McDonalds for Unsweet iced tea (not bad) and some garbage breakfast substitute. Generally hot cakes or a bagel with a donut.

Lunch - Work through lunch, eating 2-3 bags of chips and a candy bar from the vending machine. Dubbed, ironically, the "Lunch of Champions"

Dinner - Stop somewhere for dinner on the way home. Generally spend way too much money on way too much food. Eating it all because I'm so hungry from the horrible lunch I ate.

 

Sounds like a great plan right?.... Yea I know...

 

So last night I stopped at the grocery store I frequented when I regularly did such things. I went to the deli and they where out of rotisserie chickens. They said that they would be ready in 20. So I went around shopping to get some healthier items to start my transformation plan.

 

I purchased a small square cooking pan. I used to cook in similar but larger trays for my meal prep for chicken. So I figured this is a good single serving size which I can use to fire and forget my meals in the oven. Both boneless skinless chicken tenders and thighs, and a bunch of veggies to go with it. Also got the bottle and mix to make my own Italian dressing. What I will do is throw the thighs/tenders in the pan. Throw on some Italian dressing and chopped veggies. Add a little diced tomato with green chilies to it and let it sit in the oven for awhile. The best part about this is that it works even if the chicken is frozen. And all the liquid stuff helps to keep the chicken moist and prevent burning. Out of the oven toss a slice or two of cheese on it and its actually a pretty tasty meal.

 

What I have to do is get a couple of these recipes figured out that are easy for me to do with minimal prep. I think this is a pretty good choice so I will let you know how dinner tonight comes out.

 

I purchased almonds and fruit as a substitute for the "lunch of champions". It will be a bit of a transition to get used to eating these over the garbage from before. But I believe I can handle it. I would like to transition to eating salad at lunch. I actually enjoy salads I just have to make them right. I fill it with things other than lettuce that does nothing. I just got to get that stuff ready.

 

My next task will be tackling breakfast and how I want to do that. To be honest a big part of me enjoys stopping and getting something from the drive through. I also have about $100 in gift cards for dunkin. I am considering just getting the tea and eating some sort of fruit for breakfast. The gift cards will last quite a while. Will just have to play around with it I guess.

 

As far as exercising last night I squeezed something short in before going to the shop and working on my business. The good news is all the printers are up and running! So thats cool. But I do feel like the short workout I did was not as good as it could have been. However the reason I had to rush it was because I had to wait 45+ minutes for the roaster chicken at the grocery store. But I ended  up digging into that for dinner last night.

 

On to the next day!

[cn3wton]

If anyone plays chess and is interested in doing a long timeframe game (like a couple moves a day) add me as a friend and lets play! https://friend.chess.com/3hPo

[Shello]

Those are some great options for a new and improved meal plan.   That chicken sounds ridiculously easy.  

 

4 hours ago, cn3wton said:

But I do feel like the short workout I did was not as good as it could have been.

But way better than not doing one at all.  

[cn3wton]

So I just finished "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***" on Audible for the first time.

 

I will certainly be listening to it again. Things are a bit loud in my office, and while I'm working the words kind of become background noise. Catching a good bit here and there but not full understanding. But I can definitely say I will be listening to it again. Overall I would recommend it. I'm certain the contents will ruffle a few feathers as it spits in the face of a lot of "self help" practices that are quite common nowadays. But I have always been a fan of saying how things are. Not sugar coating it. Life isn't always easy,  in fact its most often not. Ignoring that or trying to dress it up and romanticize it simply makes life even harder. Learning to accept this fact is something that's covered in the book. But I'll summarize what I have taken from the book in a simple way and in my own words. "A simple and safe life is not a good one. What makes a good life is choosing the difficulties you face."

 

I could go and on about this, and would love to discuss it with any that are interested. Obviously there is much more to it than that.

 

I also purchased my next audio book "Greenlights" by Matthew McConaughey. Im excited to listen to his book from his own mouth.

[cn3wton]

2 minutes ago, Shello said:

Those are some great options for a new and improved meal plan.   That chicken sounds ridiculously easy.  

 

But way better than not doing one at all.  

 

Indeed some is better than none. Also yes the chicken should be easy and I will report back on results tonight!

[RES]

6 hours ago, cn3wton said:

So I just finished "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***" on Audible for the first time.

I struggle to listen to books but I do have the print copy of this...I'm always up for a discussion but haven't read it yet 

[deftona]

On 1/18/2021 at 5:19 PM, cn3wton said:

I just learned I have been a member of this community for nearly 8 years. On and off of course. But its incredible nonetheless. Heres to 8 more!

 

Class of 2013 high five! 

 

[Renate]

Idk where I read/heard it but  self-help gurus don't benefit from you actually learning how to kick butt at life, right? Most of them want you to come back to them for another motivational fix, another book, etc.etc.

 

It's a lot harder giving actual life advice. (Fortunately, it's becoming clear those that do also keep earning moneys One never stops learning, and if you keep sharing things that worked for you in a useful manner/distill principles-ish thoughts I could try to apply in my life, I will keep listening/reading/watching. )

 

 "Focus on what you can influence and find out what tou actually care about. Let go of all the other noise." is sound advice, worded differently by different people over the centuries/millenia because we all (sometimes) need different things to make ideas "click"  Also, sometimes we know how to apply them in one area but not in another... Ah, so human :')

[cn3wton]

17 hours ago, RES said:

I struggle to listen to books but I do have the print copy of this...I'm always up for a discussion but haven't read it yet 

 

Absolutely! The big thing I like from this book, and  books like it is the idea that accepting problems and facing them is always better than trying to dress them up. A lot of self help stuff going around is what the author calls "quick highs". Sure they make people feel better but its just a band aid. The line "Someone who tells themselves they are happy in the mirror is not happy." resonates with me pretty strong. 

 

8 minutes ago, deftona said:

 

Class of 2013 high five! 

 

[cn3wton]

2 minutes ago, Athena said:

Idk where I read/heard it but  self-help gurus don't benefit from you actually learning how to kick butt at life, right? Most of them want you to come back to them for another motivational fix, another book, etc.etc.

 

It's a lot harder giving actual life advice. (Fortunately, it's becoming clear those that do also keep earning moneys One never stops learning, and if you keep sharing things that worked for you in a useful manner/distill principles-ish thoughts I could try to apply in my life, I will keep listening/reading/watching. )

 

 "Focus on what you can influence and find out what tou actually care about. Let go of all the other noise." is sound advice, worded differently by different people over the centuries/millenia because we all (sometimes) need different things to make ideas "click"  Also, sometimes we know how to apply them in one area but not in another... Ah, so human :')

 

Your absolutely right! The truth is that if self help gurus actually worked they would be out of business!

 

I think the hardest part about giving life advice is the fact that most people want a quick and easy fix and don't want to hear the truth. 

 

I once had a discussion with a good friend about how he values his time. He is always straight forward and direct with how he talks and views life and its refreshing. He won't put anyone's happiness over his and his families. He won't do  things he believes aren't worth his time and he wont make excuses about it.

 

I might not agree with his approach 100%, but I do appreciate his level of honesty. Theres nothing worse than someone saying "That sounds fun lets do it!" then when you try to do it they just can't seem to make it. 

[cn3wton]

After last nights shock to the system (more info in my challenge) I am feeling that I need to up the challenge level of my 10-15 minute intentional workout.

 

Ive been doing 10 sequences of jab jab jab teep  (though calling what I do a teep is probably a bit generous atm but oh well)

 

I decided today that I would do that, followed by some jab jab jab switch knee. Get some motion going and some balance/footwork. I was finding that as I grew more tired with the reps my position would get lax. So thats also a focus. I don't do a rep until I am in a ready position. 

 

So at work I did

10x jab jab jab teep per side

5 jab jab jab switch knee. Starting with heel against wall and going to other wall is one rep.

Then I took a short walk to decompress and get my breathing situated again.

 

All in all I feel like I did something and thats good.

The day is going pretty good food wise but I can feel and see the tell tale signs of carb reduction. The lake of water is also not helping the situation. Cloudiness, mild headache, all things I know and recognize I just have to prepare a bit better going forward.

[cn3wton]

What a week.

 

As a lot of you know from an earlier post I hit 351 on the scales a few days back. This was of course disappointing but I did not let it get to me. Well sort of. It didn't demolish my spirit entirely. I kept working out, Kept making meals at home and only ate out at a fast food style place once (which was a chicken and steak bowl from chipotle, and chips and queso...). But all in all the work week was going pretty well. I weighed myself at night when I saw the 351, so I cheated a bit and weighed in a few mornings after at 347 for a bit of a "feel good exercise". I was feeling all right as far as my goals and my progress was going. Nowhere near what I'm used to but I keep telling myself that I'm just starting up this will take time but that's ok. Doesn't change the nagging voice in my head though.

 

Then the weekend hit. I will first cover my nutrition. Saturday was OK. I made my chicken dish for lunch. But some frustrating stuff came up (which I will cover later) and I ended up going shopping and got ice cream bars because "I was pissed and I deserved it". The voice in my head was desperately saying "Punishing yourself doesn't punish the person who hurt you stop this." But I wouldn't listen to that voice until it was consumed... Then I cursed at myself and drove to the shop. I had to leave at 4 for my weekly tradition of dinner with my parents. I had a burger and "potato wedges". I ate the burger which was loaded with veggies and only half of the potato wedges (which where delicioius) but  I should have only eaten about half the burger.  No dessert though. So it's quite likely if I hadn't had the stupid ice cream bars I would consider Saturday an "OK" day.

 

Sunday we decided to work from 10-4 for our business. I arrived on time and we got to work. We discussed options for lunch and thought of perhaps only having some type of snack to get us through then we could each go our separate ways and have a good dinner. However we ended up needing to go to town and got subway. I got a double meat footlong sub with chicken and steak on it. hot sauce and a bunch of veggies. So the sub itself was likely 2000 calories. I should have gotten a half, but I ordered without thinking. Ate it at the shop and got back to work. We got a ton of work done which felt AMAZING, but that sub gave me some regrets. I need to start using MFP again. I need at least a vague idea what I am eating. When I got home I threw the pork ribs in the oven because they need to be cooked before they go bad. I wasn't really hungry but I ate them. I threw about half of them away though. They werent baby back ribs (which are my favorite pork style). I don't know exactly what cut they where (google says maybe country style?) because they had meat that hung off the bottom that was not on a bone and was far denser than typical rib meat. I was not a fan of those portions so I just rinsed a few off for the dog. All in all Sunday was not the best day food wise, but motivation, workout, and direction wise it was great.

 

Now to talk about the "bad" that turned into the "good" for the weekend. I am in business with a friend. I am his sons godfather. We went to school together. We have worked together before. Neither of us "let things go". Now thats not to say we don't ignore the small things between us. But if something bugs us we don't just let it fester. It comes out. 

 

Well we haven't been making quite the progress either of us would like on the production side of things for the business. Breakdowns, errors, all sorts of things keeping us tied up. We where meeting mon-wed-fri during the week for 3 hours to keep working. We decided to move the friday work day to saturday. One so we'd have more time to work, and so we could relax with family on friday nights. We all agreed. Friday I went on the 15 hour journey to get magnets from the warehouse. I was exhausted. After unloading them in the shop (the business partner didnt go because he couldn't get off of work) I said that I would prefer we started at 10 rather than 8 since it was 11pm and I needed sleep. We agreed. We had something to pick up from a store 45 minutes away and I suggested that he go pick that up in the morning on his own instead of riding together. He said that sounded like a good idea.

 

Well the next morning he calls me about 830. Says hes thinking of going to get the stuff from the store. I said thats a good idea. And that maybe he could grab lunch. He agreed and thought it over. I went back to sleep. I woke up about an hour after and got up. Started doing my exercises and stuff around the house. When around 1130 I noticed he hadn't said anything about lunch. I message him asking if he was going to grab something or if I should make something on my own. He calls me. "Hey man I got a late start you want to go with me ill be there in 5." I said no, I was sweaty and not showered. I had assumed he was probably alost back or on his way back and now I know hes not even gone yet. "What do you mean no?" he says. I said that I can't go with you right now you can do it yourself. I remind him that I have to be done working at 4. He flips out. 

 

Now theres much more to the story but yea. I was pretty frustrated. I took a breath, typed up my response in a good way and sent it to him. Along with the message that I would call him again in 10 minutes after he cooled down and we could discuss this and handle it like adults. The truth is that the "shop" is at his house. So he does end up being around it much more. He had some very real frustrations that came to a head when he had forgotten that I had to leave at 4 and he hadnt left until nearly noon. Meaning wed have maybe 2 hours to work when we had planned on 8 earlier in the week. We discussed things, we both apologized and took responsibility for our parts in the issue and moved forward to have our best weekend yet. Sure we decided to work 6 hours on Sunday and for me to come back after dinner saturday night. But Thats whats awesome about our working relationship. We discuss whats bothering us and don't let it fester. We get it out there, handle it so it doesn't happen again and move forward into an even better situation.

 

Was the majority of the fault for the saturday debacle at his feet? Yes. But it brought to light other issues with our schedule and production so far. Weve set up things to remedy this.

 

All in all a weekend that started horribly but ended well!

[cn3wton]

I want to get a lot done in this post, So for everyones sake I am going to try to be succinct.

 

I listened to a book called atomic habits. Tons of exercises to do from it. But one thats sticking out in my head right now is writing down a typical days rituals (i forgot if he called them that). And looking for ways to approve. So here it is.

Wake Up

Snooze alarm for 30-60mins

Grab phone and check it

Get up

Get dressed and head out

Stop at Dunkin on drive to work

Get to work and go to my office

Work through lunch

Hopefully leave a bit early

Stop to get something for food on the way home if I need it

Get home, prepare food and eat

Feed the dog

Watch movies or play games if Im off from the business work, go to shop if I'm working, get home at 8-815 then play games

Shower

Climb in bed around 10

Use phone watching youtube

Fall asleep when I feel tired

 

Not going to analyze it for now. Just going to let it sit there for a bit and ponder it. Tons of areas for improvement but its not about judging my "rituals/routines" but looking for subtle changes to them and evening it out.

 

The scale has continued to be a dissapointment, but that is not overly shocking since my food intake while better still isn't great. Will need to address that going forward.

 

I called a friend out on some political bullshit. I am not going to get political here. But theres one thing I can't stand and its people talking about things they don't know about. I stand firmly behind those who do the research and make an actual informed opinion on their own. We need more people like that in the world. The world is not as cut and dry as some would like to believe. My friend has a serious problem where he thinks he has his own ideas but hes really just spitting out one liners that he's heard by those he follows. When pressed for any kind of proof or knowledge it crumbles. It always shocks me to see how peoples minds can justify things. I called him out on not understanding how something worked, to which he replied he definitely did, then responded with something that was absolutely wrong.  I need to keep this in mind because its far to easy to simple accept what you "know" even though we don't really know.

 

I am helping out on the floor again today. Came in early and boy am I tired. I can't wait to get home and relax. I need to improve my fitness as I firmly believe in doing what you preach and not asking anyone to do something you cannot. Eyes on the floor always watch when I am on the floor. It just comes with the position. I need to be better prepared. I am constantly annoyed with people who prolong tasks or find any excuse to stop working and need to be micromanaged. Just something I have to try to resolve.

 

I think thats a pretty good update. Lots going on right now but all in all I am making good steps forward.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, cn3wton said:

I called a friend out on some political bullshit. I am not going to get political here. But theres one thing I can't stand and its people talking about things they don't know about. I stand firmly behind those who do the research and make an actual informed opinion on their own. We need more people like that in the world. The world is not as cut and dry as some would like to believe. My friend has a serious problem where he thinks he has his own ideas but hes really just spitting out one liners that he's heard by those he follows. When pressed for any kind of proof or knowledge it crumbles. It always shocks me to see how peoples minds can justify things. I called him out on not understanding how something worked, to which he replied he definitely did, then responded with something that was absolutely wrong.  I need to keep this in mind because its far to easy to simple accept what you "know" even though we don't really know.

I hear you on this. I'd much rather talk intelligently with people who hold opposing viewpoints than talk to people like you described with whom I hold similar positions.

[DarK_RaideR]

Hey, it's your battle log, be as brief or extensive as you want!

 

I hear you on that person, sounds like a classic case of "it's my opinion and you must respect it". Not if it's debunked by facts and reality I mustn't.

[cn3wton]

I had a few bad days this past week food wise. Not nearly as bad as "usual" but also not great. Overeating "good" food is just as bad as eating bad food. But I am staying positive since I am going (mostly) in the right direction. Small steps at a time. I have a few ideas for meal prep this week that should be fun.

 

I implemented something that has really helped me out. I am using one set of dishes and utensils. So if I need to use something I have to either have washed it or wash it. This has helped me start to get the dishes under control which feels really good. I will have to clean a few dishes and empty the sink tonight but it feels so manageable since there's maybe 5 things in there. This is a big deal for me. The next step is going to  be getting all the extra dishes OUT of the cabinets so I literally have no option but to clean up after myself. I am happy that the system is working but I want to do everything I can to ensure success.

 

I have half a sub left for dinner tonight, so I'm going to be eating that for dinner. I am already thinking to myself "is it enough" but the truth is I know it is. I will likely be hungry tonight but that's fine. I have to watch what I eat. I wanted to get back into tracking so I am pushing that again today. My father started NutriSystem and did a crash diet style drink over the past week and is down 10 lbs. I congratulated him on his weight loss, and sincerely hope it works for him, but it's something he's done before. He lost a bunch of weight that way years ago and he looked sickly because he was basically starving himself. I hope this time is different.

 

I know the big thing I have to do is focus on food. I need to increase the veggies in my 1 pan meals to help me fill up. I was putting too much chicken in the earlier meals. But thats ok everything is going in good directions. I want to have some options that are a bit more "fun" and a bit loose food wise. Meaning I might allow myself to make some kind of pasta dish on certain days. But just keep everything sensible.

 

Right now I am eating a bagel with butter for breakfast, and having almonds as a snack to get me through the day. Then eating a bit bigger of a dinner. I would like to start to transition to no breakfast, with a suitable lunch of some kind. I'm not 100% sure what thats going to be at the moment. I want it to be something simple. Maybe a sandwich of some kind. I don't want to have to heat anything up or prepare anything. Im just wondering what kind of sandwich I would like. I don't like cold cut sandwiches that are cold so thats out. Will have to think on it.

 

I think thats about it for now. I am going to go do some exercises here at work shortly to get my reps in. Busy night with the business tonight so want to make sure I cover everything if I don't have time to exercise when I get home.

[cn3wton]

So a big thing I am dealing with right now is purchasing my Grandmothers home.

 

For those who don't know my Grandmother has Alzheimers/Dementia and its progressing. I get the two mixed up and am not 100% sure which it is (or both) but She is not the person I knew growing up. I live in the apartment next to her home. I moved there shortly after my Grandfather died to help keep an eye on her and get some independence as I had been living home up to that point.

 

I used to take here somewhere for dinner once a week, and visit her quite frequently. Sadly now I just can't stomach it anymore. She complains constantly, and tells me how she "doesn't have much time left." I try to keep everything positive with her but its endless and depressing. She calls me at least 10 times a day, often to reiterate that shes not feeling well etc etc.

 

Things have been getting worse and worse, and it looks like despite the families efforts she needs 24 hour care. Which in this case means a nursing home.

 

The issue is that the house is still in her name. Which means that the Nursing Home will likely take her house. No one else in the family was interested in purchasing the home, so I stepped up. The mortgage would be equivelant to rent. And I knew that no matter what happened losing the home by that means would leave my family resenting whoever lived there. Especially since we all live so local and many of us live on the same road!

 

I am finally getting approved for everything. The mortgage rate is reasonable, but it comes with some surreal bizarre feelings. I'm excited to own a home, but sad for what it means regarding my grandmother. I told everyone she is welcome to stay in the house until she can't anymore (be it 5 months or years) but it still has me a bit emotional. I know that if my grandfather was still alive and my grandmother truly understood what was going on they would be happy to know its staying in the family. But still.

 

The money side shouldn't be an issue. I have a plan in place to ensure that everything will be fine. I just need to stick to it. I know I have a family that will support me if things get tough. I am taking this all as a challenge. To stick to a budget and to focus on good nutrition. Which is my primary focus going forward. I need to get some sort of plan in place and write it down. I have some ideas.

 

I will share more as I finalize it. Thanks for reading and I am off to crush the day!

[deftona]

It's a difficult position to be in but it sounds like you're carrying out your grandmother's wishes and that's lovely. 

 

Enjoy crushing the day! 

[Elastigirl]

What a blessing for you and your grandma that you can buy the home and keep it in your family.But, yeah, it will  come with a lot of feelings. And dementia is such a tough road. Sounds like it is the better move for your grandma though

[cn3wton]

23 hours ago, deftona said:

It's a difficult position to be in but it sounds like you're carrying out your grandmother's wishes and that's lovely. 

 

Enjoy crushing the day! 

 

Thanks! Its very tough but I just keep telling myself that is what she would want and it helps a bit.

 

22 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

What a blessing for you and your grandma that you can buy the home and keep it in your family.But, yeah, it will  come with a lot of feelings. And dementia is such a tough road. Sounds like it is the better move for your grandma though

 

Thanks. I was shocked when someone was really judgmental of my family for feeling that's the best choice. I feel like people who say "I would never put my parents in a home" haven't gone through anything like this.

[cn3wton]

So last night was super busy. I sadly stopped at Five Guys Burgers and my old habits kicked in and I ordered way too much food.

 

I did this because I was running late and had a ton to do. So it was easy for me to make the excuse that I had to because I didn't have time. I should have done better. I acknowledge what happened and will come up with a system to prevent it.

 

The first step is moving my breakfast to lunch. Right now I eat breakfast and fast for lunch. If I eat something for lunch working late isn't going to make me overly hungry and feel rushed. Basically I need to come up with an overall strategy to deal with this. I used to eat smart ones and lean cuisine meals and they worked quite well as quick solutions. I might stock up on those again.

 

The workout is expanding at work.

10x Jab Jab Jab Teep each side

4 x Jab Jab Jab Switch Knee, 1 rep is from one side of the room to the other.

Wall push ups until failure

 

Thats it for now.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, cn3wton said:

 

Thanks! Its very tough but I just keep telling myself that is what she would want and it helps a bit.

 

 

Thanks. I was shocked when someone was really judgmental of my family for feeling that's the best choice. I feel like people who say "I would never put my parents in a home" haven't gone through anything like this.

My mom straight up told me to put her in a home if her memory goes.

 

Dementia/Alzheimers is awful because you lose your family member before their body dies. I talk to a lot of people in the hospital when a relative with dementia is near death. I always tell them not to be surprised if the death is easier than they expect or even a relief. I explain that this is usually due to the grieving process being pretty far along by the time of actual death.

[Elastigirl]

4 hours ago, cn3wton said:

 

Thanks! Its very tough but I just keep telling myself that is what she would want and it helps a bit.

 

 

Thanks. I was shocked when someone was really judgmental of my family for feeling that's the best choice. I feel like people who say "I would never put my parents in a home" haven't gone through anything like this.

exactly

[Shello]

It's great that you have such a good relationship with your business partner.  I can imagine how difficult it would be without being able to work through those issues.  

 

You are doing an amazing job.  There are a lot of pitfalls that you are working through and it's exciting as you find solutions.  Don't forget to allow yourself some grace in the meantime.  

[cn3wton]

21 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

My mom straight up told me to put her in a home if her memory goes.

 

Dementia/Alzheimers is awful because you lose your family member before their body dies. I talk to a lot of people in the hospital when a relative with dementia is near death. I always tell them not to be surprised if the death is easier than they expect or even a relief. I explain that this is usually due to the grieving process being pretty far along by the time of actual death.

 

So did my mom, and I have told my friends the same. I don't care what my family thinks I don't want them to have to deal with it. My other grandma had similar issues and we lost her about 8 or so years ago. My grandfather also had alzheimers before he passed away from his accident. It's sad to think but I think that was the better way to go. He still had his wits about him. It really is a horrible disease.

 

18 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

exactly

 

Thanks.

 

17 hours ago, Shello said:

It's great that you have such a good relationship with your business partner.  I can imagine how difficult it would be without being able to work through those issues.  

 

You are doing an amazing job.  There are a lot of pitfalls that you are working through and it's exciting as you find solutions.  Don't forget to allow yourself some grace in the meantime.  

Thanks Shello things are certainly coming along. And since this whole thing went down weve been the most productive weve ever been!