Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

So when I talked to my mother on Friday she'd said we would catch up today (Sunday). I assumed she would call me, because she had to go to the hospital for a shot of some kind and then was going to try to go to a former coworker's wake and I just didn't know her schedule. By the time I realized maybe she'd wanted me to call her it was too late to check in. It's not like I'm sitting around convincing myself that something has gone terribly wrong (although given my family's history it wouldn't be a shock) but the thought did cross my mind. And now I'm just mopey because ugh, is this what my life is going to be? Wondering if every missed phone call is a sign of disaster when really she fell asleep or something? Meh. 

 

I swear I'm not freaking out about it right now. Just thought I would share the wonderful way my brain works. Although on the off chance my father calls in the next 24 hours with news I don't want, I will just eye roll at the universe forever. 

[Owlet]

Ugh, that is a shit situation and I'd probably be feeling the same if it happened to me. Just keep rolling those eyes! And I guess clarify who is calling whom (whom??) next time, but you know that. Hugs <3 

[fleaball]

3 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Ugh, that is a shit situation and I'd probably be feeling the same if it happened to me. Just keep rolling those eyes! And I guess clarify who is calling whom (whom??) next time, but you know that. Hugs <3 

Yeahhhhh. I mean I've told her several times in the past two weeks that I'd let her be the one to initiate contact bc idk her schedule or how she'd be feeling on a given day or whatever. I thought we had an understanding on that. I'm just second guessing myself (of course) because "what if it's my fault?" But no. Whatever. Technically I could still call because I know she has to be awake to take medication at 11 every night but I'm letting it go. And honestly even if something DID happen it's not like calling now would change anything. So I'll just wait and text her tomorrow afternoon. 

[Severine]

For what it's worth, I totally agree with everything you said about it being reasonable to let her initiate calls, and that she's almost certainly just gotten distracted or forgotten or busy or whatever, and calling wouldn't change anything if something was wrong, etc. etc. But I'd worry too. Stupid worry. How can something SO USELESS be SO COMPELLING?!?

[fleaball]

Just now, Severine said:

For what it's worth, I totally agree with everything you said about it being reasonable to let her initiate calls, and that she's almost certainly just gotten distracted or forgotten or busy or whatever, and calling wouldn't change anything if something was wrong, etc. etc. But I'd worry too. Stupid worry. How can something SO USELESS be SO COMPELLING?!?

Honestly. At least let me worry about thing I can do something about? Like no matter what happens I'm still several hours away so that's really dumb. I should be worrying about my stupid thesis or something instead. 

 

Or like, going to bed.  I have to be up in 8 hours and it's gonna suuuuuck. On the unrelated bright side, I'm pretty sure roommate's friend did just sweep and mop the rock salt/footprints from the floor. So I just need a bit of time to get over her sudden appearance and that will be a thing I don't need to stew over. 

 

Also holy shit I didn't realize how much I clench my jaw but it's really a thing. Yikes. 

[Severine]

15 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Or like, going to bed.  I have to be up in 8 hours and it's gonna suuuuuck. On the unrelated bright side, I'm pretty sure roommate's friend did just sweep and mop the rock salt/footprints from the floor. So I just need a bit of time to get over her sudden appearance and that will be a thing I don't need to stew over. 

 

Also holy shit I didn't realize how much I clench my jaw but it's really a thing. Yikes. 

 

GO TO BED!

 

And then sometime that is not tonight we can talk about jaw clenching and the TMJ specialists I have seen recently because this is a huge problem in my life and it feels like I'm wearing a medieval pain helmet most of the time. And the only thing that seems to help is this specialized massage that is amazing and effective but also so expensive that I can't justify it and need to find another solution like, you know, calming the fuck down.

 

DON'T REPLY! GO TO BED!

[fleaball]

Today in "Flea needs to take a fucking chill pill before losing her shit next time:" apparently the TV is being delivered to roommate's friend's cousin. So she's not necessarily moving in and I jumped to conclusions. I'm pretty sure I heard her say something about moving out of her apartment though and she definitely brought much more stuff with her than is necessary for a two-week gig, but whatever. I need to calm the fuck down instead of getting pissy immediately. I will cut myself a tiny bit of slack because I know I'm already really tightly wound and emotions are running high, etc., and I may not have reacted this way if the rest of my life weren't fucked, but that's not a great excuse overall.

 

9 hours ago, Severine said:

And then sometime that is not tonight we can talk about jaw clenching and the TMJ specialists I have seen recently because this is a huge problem in my life and it feels like I'm wearing a medieval pain helmet most of the time. And the only thing that seems to help is this specialized massage that is amazing and effective but also so expensive that I can't justify it and need to find another solution like, you know, calming the fuck down.

I went to bed but was still on NF later. Sorreh. I think @zenLara has massage techniques for jaw stuff? I don't know when it started for me. Maybe at the end of last semester? I know the day after my mother told me about the cancer I woke up and my face was killing me and I didn't realize until like a week later that there was a lot of tension happening and that seems to be what the issue is right now. Rawr. Calming the fuck down is the obvious solution but where's the fun in that?

 

I see you, RES.

[RES]

1 minute ago, fleaball said:

 

I see you, RES.

 

[Lara]

20 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I went to bed but was still on NF later. Sorreh. I think @zenLara has massage techniques for jaw stuff? I don't know when it started for me. Maybe at the end of last semester? I know the day after my mother told me about the cancer I woke up and my face was killing me and I didn't realize until like a week later that there was a lot of tension happening and that seems to be what the issue is right now. Rawr. Calming the fuck down is the obvious solution but where's the fun in that?

I use mainly Feldenkrais for maintenance and some muscle relaxing exercises for the face (not the jaw itself). When I'm worse I go to a good osteopath, they know how to manipulate inner parts of the jaw, and it's relieving. I think I already talked about this to @Severine? (by they way, welcome back!) I mean, about those points in between the rows of the teeth at the end of the mouth and in the corner of the lower teeth and so. If not, and I'm not remember properly, I can send you more details.

[fleaball]

Now that you mention it I think I remember seeing you guys talk about it? Or I'm crazy. Either way. 

[Severine]

Yeah @zenLara totally got me considering massage as a serious option, and then I ended up finding an incredible massage therapist around here who specializes in TMJ and facial pain. It's funny - the sessions themselves were definitely not enjoyable like a standard massage...there was in fact a fair bit of discomfort (because of how bad I let it get) as she used trigger points to release the tension in the affected muscles. And it's sort of awkward having some lady's gloved hand halfway into your mouth. Especially because she liked to make conversation and I couldn't not try to respond, heh. But after just a couple of sessions the difference was amazing. Like I had completely forgotten what it felt like to live without my face throbbing all the time.

 

 

[fleaball]

I'm currently trying not to rage at work. Called my insurance company, they did verify that the PT office called to check my benefits before giving me this stupid thing and it's in their notes that they said no, it would not be covered and I didn't have any benefits for that. So they straight up fucking lied to me.

 

Called the company (apparently they'd been trying to contact me but the PT office gave them the wrong phone number). They're like "oh hey we've been trying to get in touch with you! how's the thing working?" (To be fair they did send me a letter with the same question in October but I ignored it while waiting for the insurance company to get their shit together.) After a bunch of back and forth questions and also talking to the AR department, I have been assured that regardless of what the insurance company does or doesn't pay (because they apparently don't have the updated claim yet), I will not be billed for any of it. I asked if this is available in writing and the lady sounded very offended when she said "well all our calls are recorded." I spent a total of 15 minutes on the phone with two people and repeatedly asked them, with different wording each time, to confirm that I wouldn't be charged. "So if X, you'll just write off the entire $1500?" "And if the insurance company says Y, the costs of all of these things will wash?" Unless the recordings of these calls magically get deleted in the future it's pretty clear, if I have to fight with them in the future, that I was told I'm not responsible for any of it. I was slightly tense with them on the phone because I was still pissed over the PT office lying to my face (unless they meant that I wouldn't be charged for the thing regardless? which is not what "your insurance will fully cover it" means). But they were friendly and helpful even if they couldn't understand why I hadn't used the thing and why I didn't want it. The AR lady was like "oh I see a note here that you don't want us to send any more supplies?" Yeah, I now have two shipments' worth that I haven't used and didn't know that I'd be getting them in the first place. "Well I see here that you signed the Patient Blah Blah Whatever form that says you'd receive supplies according to your prescription." Yes, and I was never actually given a prescription, never told by the PT office that I should expect more supplies than what they gave me that day, and distinctly remember thinking to myself, "so I guess I just use the same electrodes forever?" But I didn't ask about it because I wasn't 100% on board with the thing anyway and didn't expect to be using it too often. In fact I'm fairly sure they said "as needed" but apparently the prescription sent to the company says twice a week for 12 months??

 

So there's several different layers of bullshit going on. On the surface it looks like I'm free and clear despite various instances of deception and withheld information. But I'm a paranoid bastard, which means $1800 worth of equipment is now going to collect dust under my bed until I feel sufficiently comfortable that I won't get a surprise bill. I will also be checking my credit report to make sure nothing magically goes to collections as unpaid. I've taken screenshots of my call log so I have the date and time, as well as written up notes about every phone call in a Word doc. I'm not playing games here.

 

Overall I'm pleased with myself for the way I handled it. (How is it relatively easy for me to call random companies and get on their case about shit, but I can't even make small talk with a friend of a friend at a party?) Also pleasing: my mother is in fact not dead and is currently getting her hair done.

[Severine]

Yeah that's badass. I know people who would tell you they had no anxiety issues whatsoever who would not have the organization/wherewithal/composure/general gumption to handle it that professionally and competently.

 

Hopefully it all works out smoothly but if not, these people are insufficiently prepared to tangle with you.

 

 

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Severine said:

Yeah that's badass. I know people who would tell you they had no anxiety issues whatsoever who would not have the organization/wherewithal/composure/general gumption to handle it that professionally and competently.

 

Hopefully it all works out smoothly but if not, these people are insufficiently prepared to tangle with you.

Honestly I think the only motivation for me is the money aspect? If I fuck up my own finances, whatever. That's on me. But if you try to screw me over, god help you lol. Oooh, you were not around when I fought with the shitty school I went to in England. That one was fun.

[fleaball]

Another thing I need to step back on: pretty sure now that my roommate did not in fact know what was happening with her friend. When I was leaving for Christmas we were texting about how the friend left a suitcase at the house and that was a pretty good indicator she was coming back, and if she planned on staying for a while roommate was going to ask her to pay. (Idk if I've said this already, I've complained about it several times in my journal already and lost track of here vs there.) The other night I started wondering if that was her like, feeling me out as to whether I'd freak if this girl were to stay for a while. Because sometimes she does that, talk about things as a "what if?" and then later "oh yeah it was happening the whole time, I just wanted to see what you'd say." But when I was badgering her in her cubicle today she mentioned that the girl's current job is at a really inconvenient place to get to from our house and roommate had apparently told her that if she's going to be at that place permanently she probably doesn't want to live in our area. So I asked if she knew how long this girl was staying and she said she hadn't talked to her about it yet. I joked that it sounded like she was moving in the other night and her eyes bugged out and she was like "DUDE. there is SO MUCH STUFF in my room right now" and looked vaguely annoyed. So yes. Dear roommate, sorry for thinking you were being a dick. Clearly I have a much shorter fuse than I thought and I need to get my shit under control instead of trying to murder people with my brain.

[Dagger]

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Yeah that's badass. I know people who would tell you they had no anxiety issues whatsoever who would not have the organization/wherewithal/composure/general gumption to handle it that professionally and competently.

 

I would have been that person like a year ago.

 

Let me just say: Denial or being unaware what anxiety actually means. Or both. (I was mostly in the camp of not being aware what anxiety was, I'd been wondering for a while why I couldn't handle real life as well as most people.)

[Sylvaa]

Just now, Dagger said:

I would have been that person like a year ago.

 

Let me just say: Denial or being unaware what anxiety actually means. Or both. (I was mostly in the camp of not being aware what anxiety was, I'd been wondering for a while why I couldn't handle real life as well as most people.)

 

I almost cried when dealing with Lowe's on my kitchen appliances. You know that hitch in your voice before you start sobbing - that was me. 

 

So I am super proud of you, because I am not good with things like that AT ALL.

[Dagger]

1 minute ago, fleaball said:

Another thing I need to step back on: pretty sure now that my roommate did not in fact know what was happening with her friend. When I was leaving for Christmas we were texting about how the friend left a suitcase at the house and that was a pretty good indicator she was coming back, and if she planned on staying for a while roommate was going to ask her to pay. (Idk if I've said this already, I've complained about it several times in my journal already and lost track of here vs there.) The other night I started wondering if that was her like, feeling me out as to whether I'd freak if this girl were to stay for a while. Because sometimes she does that, talk about things as a "what if?" and then later "oh yeah it was happening the whole time, I just wanted to see what you'd say." But when I was badgering her in her cubicle today she mentioned that the girl's current job is at a really inconvenient place to get to from our house and roommate had apparently told her that if she's going to be at that place permanently she probably doesn't want to live in our area. So I asked if she knew how long this girl was staying and she said she hadn't talked to her about it yet. I joked that it sounded like she was moving in the other night and her eyes bugged out and she was like "DUDE. there is SO MUCH STUFF in my room right now" and looked vaguely annoyed. So yes. Dear roommate, sorry for thinking you were being a dick. Clearly I have a much shorter fuse than I thought and I need to get my shit under control instead of trying to murder people with my brain.

Or you know you were going to what seems like pretty logical conclusions from the facts you had, and it seems even your room mate is like "what is happening", so perhaps you shouldn't feel bad for being in the dark considering the one who was supposed to not be (your room mate) seems to be too?

[Dagger]

Just now, Sylvaa said:

You know that hitch in your voice before you start sobbing - that was me. 

Oh, don't start me on the hitch. That is like the sign to get off the phone quick as fuck. (How is quick as fuck an expression? Isn't a long fuck usually better?)

[Sylvaa]

5 minutes ago, Dagger said:

Oh, don't start me on the hitch. That is like the sign to get off the phone quick as fuck. (How is quick as fuck an expression? Isn't a long fuck usually better?)

 

Usually. Until you're about to get caught - then quick is better.

[fleaball]

Just now, Dagger said:

I would have been that person like a year ago.

 

Let me just say: Denial or being unaware what anxiety actually means. Or both. (I was mostly in the camp of not being aware what anxiety was, I'd been wondering for a while why I couldn't handle real life as well as most people.)

If it makes you feel better, I knew what it was for years and just denied it. Which actually is kinda funny considering all I do know is talk about it. I was 17 when I took AP Psych (basically a college-level class in high school) and when we got to anxiety disorders I was like "oh... all of this sounds really familiar... but nah it's fine." Took several psych classes in college as well, kept coming back to it. But I'd keep telling myself that no, I wasn't that bad, I was just shy and if I could just get my shit together I'd be a normal person. When you're not really sure what an anxiety disorder is it's understandable not to deal with it.

 

3 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I almost cried when dealing with Lowe's on my kitchen appliances. You know that hitch in your voice before you start sobbing - that was me. 

 

So I am super proud of you, because I am not good with things like that AT ALL.

Been there done that. So frustrating.

 

3 minutes ago, Dagger said:

Or you know you were going to what seems like pretty logical conclusions from the facts you had, and it seems even your room mate is like "what is happening", so perhaps you shouldn't feel bad for being in the dark considering the one who was supposed to not be (your room mate) seems to be too?

Very true. There are a lot of question marks going on right now apparently. But at the same time I was honestly seething with rage at both of them between Thursday and Saturday. The level of anger I reached was kind of uncalled for. (Is that supposed to be one word? Eh.) And it was mostly because I've not been managing my anxiety so every little thing is pissing me off. That doesn't benefit me and it sure as hell doesn't benefit the people I was ready to take it out on.

 

1 minute ago, Dagger said:

Oh, don't start me on the hitch. That is like the sign to get off the phone quick as fuck. (How is quick as fuck an expression? Isn't a long fuck usually better?)

I love the word fuck because it stands for almost anything. And no one even questions it because you just know what someone's trying to say, even if the phrase doesn't actually make sense, like you point out.

[Dagger]

11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Very true. There are a lot of question marks going on right now apparently. But at the same time I was honestly seething with rage at both of them between Thursday and Saturday. The level of anger I reached was kind of uncalled for. (Is that supposed to be one word? Eh.) And it was mostly because I've not been managing my anxiety so every little thing is pissing me off. That doesn't benefit me and it sure as hell doesn't benefit the people I was ready to take it out on.

I think you should cut yourself some slack. Yeah, I totally want you to take care of yourself and all that, but when shit doesn't just happen but rain from the sky, do cut yourself some slack. <3

 

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I love the word fuck because it stands for almost anything. And no one even questions it because you just know what someone's trying to say, even if the phrase doesn't actually make sense, like you point out.

I've been rereading all 40+ books in J.D. Robb's In Death series (basically crime/mystery series set in future version of earth (2059/-58 is when it starts)). And the main character continually questions idioms and commons sayings. Not saying I haven't done that before, but usually to understand what the mean. Now I'm just messing around because fun.

[Dagger]

15 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Usually. Until you're about to get caught - then quick is better.

 

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Dagger said:

I think you should cut yourself some slack. Yeah, I totally want you to take care of yourself and all that, but when shit doesn't just happen but rain from the sky, do cut yourself some slack. <3

I should just quit seeing my therapist and post more often here instead. <3 I see your point. I'll try to be nicer to myself.

[fleaball]

For my next trick, I will convince myself I have lung cancer because the one spot in my chest that hurt last night is sore now. More than likely I tweaked something during an epic coughing fit yesterday and oh look, now that I'm once again lying in an awkward position on my bed it hurts more. Which means it has to be muscular. Fuck meeeeeee.

 

I have a CT scan schedule for Friday anyway per the pulmonologist so I only need to be paranoid til then if I can't shake it first. Which I probably will. I'm just tired and wound too tightly as it is and also grumpy as fuck about about having to have my questions pre-approved for these meetings on Wednesday. 

 

Oh jesus. Roommate just texted me a screenshot of a convo with her friend. "Hey my British friends want to come in for inauguration thurs-sat. Think Flea would be okay with that?" So first, the assumption that roommate is okay with that. (She's not.) Then the not asking me, although maybe she was putting out feelers. Roommate stalled by saying she was thinking of renting the place bc she's heard places are going for like $8k for the weekend. Mostly bc she wants to tell her in person that a) no guests period thanks and b.) she needs to pay if she's staying here. But then asked if I'd be up for bailing that weekend if she can really get 8k. I'm hoping it doesn't pan out but if the opportunity is there, sure. I'll go find a hotel somewhere and get away for the weekend. Hell i could go home if I wanted. But mostly I don't want to have to pack up my shit so no thanks.