Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

13 minutes ago, Owlet said:

When you put it like that... yeah fuck that. 100% all the way! Let's piss off the mathematicians and say 200%! I agree though, it's easy to think that because you're kind of coping, and others have it worse, that you don't need any extra help. I was really reluctant to go to counselling for the same reason, but once I got there I realised I actually really needed it and it got me back on track way faster than I ever could've alone. 

 

So does this mean you've finished econ?!

OVER NINE THOUSAAA- what? That meme is dead? Sorry. 200% works. It's funny though because like, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or whatever about my anxiety. I'll drop it in casual conversation when it's relevant. It's just fucked up brain chemistry man, what can you do? (Also childhood, sure. But there's enough mental illness in my family that I'm confident it's more than just my parents fucking me up.) I have zero issues acknowledging/admitting that I have anxiety. I could not wait to find a therapist once I moved down here. So what the fuck is my problem that I'm reluctant to take another step in treating the issue?  Meh. 

 

Yes!! Thank fuck. If there was ever a class to take online over 6 weeks, that was it. I can't imagine how painful it would have been to take it 3 hours a week in class for 15 weeks. Now I'm just checking my grades like a crazy person. 

[Owlet]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

OVER NINE THOUSAAA- what? That meme is dead? Sorry. 200% works. It's funny though because like, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or whatever about my anxiety. I'll drop it in casual conversation when it's relevant. It's just fucked up brain chemistry man, what can you do? (Also childhood, sure. But there's enough mental illness in my family that I'm confident it's more than just my parents fucking me up.) I have zero issues acknowledging/admitting that I have anxiety. I could not wait to find a therapist once I moved down here. So what the fuck is my problem that I'm reluctant to take another step in treating the issue?  Meh. 

 

Yes!! Thank fuck. If there was ever a class to take online over 6 weeks, that was it. I can't imagine how painful it would have been to take it 3 hours a week in class for 15 weeks. Now I'm just checking my grades like a crazy person. 

Hey that just reminded me of a conversation I had the other night with a friend (yay new friend!) She also said she has no issue with saying she's an anxious person, that in fact she finds it empowering to tell people. Maybe because you are in control when you state it? Rather than trying to hide it and feeling helpless when it takes hold and everyone finds out anyway but no one wants to mention it because you didn't first? I don't know. Interesting though. Plus I think it is so important to talk about this stuff more so that other people don't feel the need to hide it and not get the help they need. 

 

Brains are complicated things and they freak out at the weirdest things. Who knows why your brain is freaking out about medication, but at least you are aware of it and looking at it quite objectively. You've got this

 

Haha oh god, 15 weeks? That's just rude. Cheers to no more econ!

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Plus I think it is so important to talk about this stuff more so that other people don't feel the need to hide it and not get the help they need. 

So much fucking this. I'm not going to run around with a sign that says ASK ME ABOUT MY ANXIETY but when it's appropriate to toss it into conversation or on Facebook or whatever, I will. I'll never forget (or stop being bitter about) when I realized there was something more going on than just being introverted and I asked my mother how my brother started seeing a therapist for his issues. (Because it didn't occur to me to just go to my doctor and ask for a referral. I think I thought there was some kind of separate process or something?) And she looked at me and said "No, you're fine. You're just shy." Because at that point I'd already fucked off and studied in 3 countries by myself, traveled on my own, etc. And I was so. fucking. pissed. And I'm damn lucky that for whatever reason I was confident enough to ignore it and go see someone anyway. But I know there are people out there who can't/won't do it without support. One of my grad school friends won't see someone, actually, because she's still on her parents' insurance and they're not supportive of it. And that just crushes me. Fuck all of that, honestly. 

 

Wait, where did this soapbox come from and how did I get on it?

 

Anyway. You could be right about the being in control thing. I think it also helps me to be able to name it. Like, I can readily acknowledge that the reason I freak out over X or that I'm procrastinating on this thing is because of anxiety. And that means I can work around it rather than sitting and just thinking I'm a terrible person and a slacker. Now if only I could make my mother and my roommate understand. >>

 

(It might help that I minored in Psych in undergrad. It doesnt make me an expert by any means, but maybe just learning about this shit in an objective environment made me more open to it?)

[Countess D'If]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

OVER NINE THOUSAAA- what? That meme is dead?

 

 

THAT MEME WILL NEVER DIE!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

On a less dramatic note, I once had an anxiety attack in front of my dearest friends who are more like my family and they asked me why I was feeling that way and what they can do to help and made super helpful suggestions about what to do about the thing that was making me anxious and told me it was going to be ok and gave me wine and hugs. 

 

I also told a school collegue of mine that I know also suffers from anxiety that I was having an anxiety attack last semester and he sat with me in silence. It was also super helpful

 

 

 

See, telling people it's happening takes away its power and lets other people's voices shine

[fleaball]

Great, how can I trade my roommate and various other people in my life for people like yours? *Continued grumbling over teleportation not being invented and not being able to visit nerdfriends*

[Countess D'If]

Work in theatre?

[Countess D'If]

Find broken people?

[fleaball]

I will consider both of these things.

[Lara]

I see you when you talk of "I'm totally ok with people taking meds to get help, but not me, I can go solo". I think it is a pretty normal reaction. There was a time I could have had help with anxiety that way, and I finally chose not to do it. But now that I look back I clearly see it would have been so much easier, it could have spared me a lot of suffering, maybe I could have reached my current situation more quickly.

[fleaball]

I feel like my tagline just needs to be "should've skipped leg day." Because ow. My hamstrings are not pleased with me. I genuinely forgot I wanted to do burpees after my workout, but right now I'm okay with that because I don't think I could manage even one. My legs are like jello and going down the stairs was hard enough. And damn, my shoulder felt better after PT yesterday to the point that I nearly forgot about it today, but now it's hurting. Maybe because of the warmup/cool down?

 

Two weeks from now the Spartan will be over. I am terrified. 

 

New challenge forum will open tomorrow probably, right? I need to nail down what I'm doing. I really need to start tracking my food but I haaaaaate it. I want to do it less for calorie counting and more to see where my macros are to make sure I'm getting enough protein and not going crazy on sugar. (Fuck IIFYM and its 8 million grams of protein though.) 

 

I got a 93 on my econ final! No idea how I did that but oh well too bad. It also netted me an A in the class, so yay! And now it's fully behind me. Whee. 

 

18 hours ago, zenLara said:

I see you when you talk of "I'm totally ok with people taking meds to get help, but not me, I can go solo". I think it is a pretty normal reaction. There was a time I could have had help with anxiety that way, and I finally chose not to do it. But now that I look back I clearly see it would have been so much easier, it could have spared me a lot of suffering, maybe I could have reached my current situation more quickly.

Yay egos and anxiety making us our own worst enemies! >>

[fleaball]

Protip: don't drink a 20 oz smoothie and 1.5L of water shortly before going to bed. You will be up all night peeing. 

[Owlet]

On 8/13/2016 at 11:26 AM, fleaball said:

And she looked at me and said "No, you're fine. You're just shy." Because at that point I'd already fucked off and studied in 3 countries by myself, traveled on my own, etc. And I was so. fucking. pissed. And I'm damn lucky that for whatever reason I was confident enough to ignore it and go see someone anyway.

 

Anyway. You could be right about the being in control thing. I think it also helps me to be able to name it. Like, I can readily acknowledge that the reason I freak out over X or that I'm procrastinating on this thing is because of anxiety. And that means I can work around it rather than sitting and just thinking I'm a terrible person and a slacker.

Ugh. I really hate it when other people seem to think they know more about what's going on in your head than you do. I mean sure, she's your mum so she probably knows you quite well, and presumably meant that in a kind way, but... no. If someone is saying they are unhappy and need help, give them help for gods sake. Don't tel them they're fine and move on. This is a soapbox well worth getting up on!

 

On 8/13/2016 at 11:26 AM, fleaball said:

Anyway. You could be right about the being in control thing. I think it also helps me to be able to name it. Like, I can readily acknowledge that the reason I freak out over X or that I'm procrastinating on this thing is because of anxiety. And that means I can work around it rather than sitting and just thinking I'm a terrible person and a slacker

Yeah totally. I guess it helps to have a little distance from it, and think of it as something almost separate to yourself - rather than just believing everything anxiety tells you. 

 

On 8/13/2016 at 11:26 AM, fleaball said:

Now if only I could make my mother and my roommate understand

I think anxiety is pretty hard to understand unless you've experienced. But also some people seem to lack the 'empathy muscle'. 

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

I feel like my tagline just needs to be "should've skipped leg day." Because ow. My hamstrings are not pleased with me. I genuinely forgot I wanted to do burpees after my workout, but right now I'm okay with that because I don't think I could manage even one. My legs are like jello and going down the stairs was hard enough

Haha nice one! Sounds like a good workout! Was that with the PT through student health or whatever?

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I really need to start tracking my food but I haaaaaate it.

Yeah I honestly don't know how anyone does it. I mean maybe if all you eat is protein bars that have the info on the packaging, but if you cook everything from scratch.... no.

 

Heck yes no more econ! 93% not surprised lol. Well done  

[Lara]

Everybody hates tracking food. But if you think you need it, probably is the best you can do.

Congrats on your grades!

[Dagger]

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

I got a 93 on my econ final! No idea how I did that but oh well too bad. It also netted me an A in the class, so yay! And now it's fully behind me. Whee. 

Woop woop!

[fleaball]

I'm not dead! Sore, yes, but I can walk. Which of course makes me worry that I didn't work out hard enough. u.u Derp. My shoulder is still pissed at me, which is super fun. Blargh. I still don't know what I'm doing for the new challenge exactly, but I'm definitely ready for the new forum to go up. 

 

12 hours ago, Owlet said:

Ugh. I really hate it when other people seem to think they know more about what's going on in your head than you do. I mean sure, she's your mum so she probably knows you quite well, and presumably meant that in a kind way, but... no. If someone is saying they are unhappy and need help, give them help for gods sake. Don't tel them they're fine and move on. This is a soapbox well worth getting up on!

Nah, my mother just refuses to understand mental issues. I'm guessing a doctor diagnosed my brother so she probably couldn't argue with it, but whatever. 

 

13 hours ago, Owlet said:

I think anxiety is pretty hard to understand unless you've experienced. But also some people seem to lack the 'empathy muscle'. 

haha that describes my roommate to a T. Both her parents are therapists so she understands a lot of psych stuff intellectually, she just doesn't really care. There are times when she surprises me but more often than not it's just "why don't you just do the thing?"

 

13 hours ago, Owlet said:

Haha nice one! Sounds like a good workout! Was that with the PT through student health or whatever?

 

Yeah I honestly don't know how anyone does it. I mean maybe if all you eat is protein bars that have the info on the packaging, but if you cook everything from scratch.... no.

 

Heck yes no more econ! 93% not surprised lol. Well done  

It's with the people I initially saw, then freaked out that I couldn't see, then realized it was all fine.  I'm going back tomorrow and Wednesday. It's far enough away that it's obnoxious to get to but I might keep it up for the full 12 sessions I'm allowed. It fellt really good yesterday right up until I finished the workout. Womp. 

 

lol right? Stick to prepackaged food and you're fine scanning barcodes. Make your own shit and pfffft. Why. 

 

Thanks! 

 

11 hours ago, zenLara said:

Everybody hates tracking food. But if you think you need it, probably is the best you can do.

Congrats on your grades!

Stop being the voice of reason D: If you really loved me you'd tell me I don't have to track and I can go eat cookies every day instead.

 

9 hours ago, Dagger said:

Woop woop!

=D

[Lara]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Stop being the voice of reason

That's my fate.

 

 

[RES]

16 hours ago, Owlet said:

But also some people seem to lack the 'empathy muscle'. 

THAT'S my problem....

[Sylvaa]

Sorry (not really) that I've been away and haven't responded.

 

Re: Econ - yay for being over! (it's not really hard - just boring).

Re: The Spartan - who cares? We will walk and do baby burpees and laugh at ourselves trying to get over walls (and maybe not do some to make sure you don't mess up your ankle more) and GET A MEDAL (and a beer, but I don't drink). This is going to be about accomplishing something and setting a baseline and overcoming all your crap. It's going to be amazing!

Re: Taking meds. I took meds for depression for about a year (maybe two?) when I moved back from Philly. I was always one of those, "I don't need it" kind of girls, but let me tell you, I needed it. I got so much crap from loved ones about it, but I know that I was not in a good place and I couldn't fix myself. My point it two-fold. Number one, you aren't a failure for needing help (repeat that over and over again). and number two, you have the power to control the use of medications to help yourself. I love the idea of saying, "this next semester is going to be really hard, I'm going to use this to help me cope" and then reevaluate. 

[fleaball]

15 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Sorry (not really) that I've been away and haven't responded.

 

Re: Econ - yay for being over! (it's not really hard - just boring).

Re: The Spartan - who cares? We will walk and do baby burpees and laugh at ourselves trying to get over walls (and maybe not do some to make sure you don't mess up your ankle more) and GET A MEDAL (and a beer, but I don't drink). This is going to be about accomplishing something and setting a baseline and overcoming all your crap. It's going to be amazing!

Re: Taking meds. I took meds for depression for about a year (maybe two?) when I moved back from Philly. I was always one of those, "I don't need it" kind of girls, but let me tell you, I needed it. I got so much crap from loved ones about it, but I know that I was not in a good place and I couldn't fix myself. My point it two-fold. Number one, you aren't a failure for needing help (repeat that over and over again). and number two, you have the power to control the use of medications to help yourself. I love the idea of saying, "this next semester is going to be really hard, I'm going to use this to help me cope" and then reevaluate. 

I'll never forgive you. D: I'm lying. 

 

Econ: Yeah the hardest part was just getting myself to do the work. Which I don't have to do anymore! Whee!

Spartan: I'm sure once we get there I will give zero fucks and just run around making a fool of myself in a good way. I am fucking stoked about the medal. And possibly the beer. 

Meds: Both very good points. I'm currently in a weird place of "uggggh why am I doing this?" and "whooooaaaa i cannot wait to get this shit started and be a normal human being." I'm totally going to do it.

 

Fun fact: apprarently you and @RES were both going through my thread at the same time and I had 8 billion notifications when I logged in and almost had a stroke because I was so confused.

[Owlet]

6 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Re: The Spartan - who cares? We will walk and do baby burpees and laugh at ourselves trying to get over walls (and maybe not do some to make sure you don't mess up your ankle more) and GET A MEDAL (and a beer, but I don't drink). This is going to be about accomplishing something and setting a baseline and overcoming all your crap. It's going to be amazing!

Naw you're making it sound so fun I kinda want to do it too. Too bad you're on the other side of the world! But seriously, have fun you guys and post many photos of your MEDALS goddamn I'm jealous, the only medals i have are from when I did highland dancing as a kid lol. 

 

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Meds: Both very good points. I'm currently in a weird place of "uggggh why am I doing this?" and "whooooaaaa i cannot wait to get this shit started and be a normal human being." I'm totally going to do it.

Yeah do the thing! Wheeoooo

 

6 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Number one, you aren't a failure for needing help (repeat that over and over again). and number two, you have the power to control the use of medications to help yourself. I love the idea of saying, "this next semester is going to be really hard, I'm going to use this to help me cope" and then reevaluate. 

The best <3 

[fleaball]

I literally don't want to go to my PT appointment in two hours because I am concerned about parking. (What fucking garage has coin-operated meters at each space?! Fuck you too, Maryland.) There are definitely pills in my future. >_>

 

Also don't fall asleep at 4 for no reason when you have to get up at 9. It's not recommended. 

[NeverThatBored]

19 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I literally don't want to go to my PT appointment in two hours because I am concerned about parking. (What fucking garage has coin-operated meters at each space?! Fuck you too, Maryland.) There are definitely pills in my future. >_>

 

Also don't fall asleep at 4 for no reason when you have to get up at 9. It's not recommended. 

 

I am also known to skip things I planned to do because I am concerned about parking. Parking in unfamiliar places is very stressful. Parking garages are the worst. 

[athousandwords]

On 8/13/2016 at 11:04 PM, fleaball said:

I got a 93 on my econ final! No idea how I did that but oh well too bad. It also netted me an A in the class, so yay! And now it's fully behind me. Whee. 

 

Wooo congrats!!  And no more Econ - yaaaay!!

 

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

I literally don't want to go to my PT appointment in two hours because I am concerned about parking. (What fucking garage has coin-operated meters at each space?! Fuck you too, Maryland.) There are definitely pills in my future. >_>

 

Ughhh fuck Maryland and their stupid parking. I got a ticket there just a few weeks ago because my meter had expired 5 freaking minutes before I got there. 

[fleaball]

5 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

I am also known to skip things I planned to do because I am concerned about parking. Parking in unfamiliar places is very stressful. Parking garages are the worst. 

I much prefer garages to trying to find street parking in metro DC. I forgot how to parallel park almost immediately after my driving test because my parents had a 3-car driveway they never used. I'd just back in and leave it in the middle of the driveway lol. 

 

5 hours ago, athousandwords said:

Ughhh fuck Maryland and their stupid parking. I got a ticket there just a few weeks ago because my meter had expired 5 freaking minutes before I got there. 

Seriously! In Silver Spring (at least where I go) you have to prepay for one or two hours, which is dumb but whatever, the machines take credit cards. This one in Bethesda killed me. Meters in a garage?! I was damn lucky that I had just enough silver coins to cover my appointment time. They're like "download our app and pay by phone!" Yeah, you have to create an account on the website, then download it, then preload it with $20... bite me. If it weren't for the clusterfuck that is SafeTrack I'd've taken the metro but of course they're working on that end of the red line this week. >> I'm sorry you got fucked over. Maryland is dumb.

[Sylvaa]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I much prefer garages to trying to find street parking in metro DC. I forgot how to parallel park almost immediately after my driving test because my parents had a 3-car driveway they never used. I'd just back in and leave it in the middle of the driveway lol. 

 

I refuse to parallel park. Ever. Solidarity.