Battle Kitten: Ascension

[RES]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Also I think it's fitting that I only noticed we're on page 69 while reading your post. Good timing. 

 although with 77 you get 8 more 

 

also my birth year (69)...coincidence?  

[fleaball]

4 minutes ago, RES said:

 although with 77 you get 8 more 

 

also my birth year (69)...coincidence?  

I feel like I'm missing something with the 77 thing? 

 

Your entire birthdate is the most appropriate I've ever seen. Totally love it. 

[RES]

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I feel like I'm missing something with the 77 thing? 

 

Your entire birthdate is the most appropriate I've ever seen. Totally love it. 

spelling

77 is 8 (ate) more than 69

with 77 you get ate (8) more

 

play on words basically...

 

[fleaball]

3 minutes ago, RES said:

spelling

77 is 8 (ate) more than 69

with 77 you get ate (8) more

 

play on words basically...

 

Wowwww that went right the fuck over my head. But now I'm giggling at my desk. 

[fleaball]

Hahaha welp. Texted my father to ask how chemo went today. Turns out she didn't have it. They have her two units of blood instead because she's anemic and it sounds like something else is happening? They were still at the hospital when he called me so he wasn't giving me much. I'll get a full update later tonight whether it's good news or bad news, or so I've been told. Good thing therapy's in 40 minutes. They rescheduled the chemo for Monday. Jesus, I never thought I'd say I was glad my roommate pushed me so hard to go home. 

 

I will not cry in Starbucks. I will not cry in Starbucks. 

[Owlet]

[Severine]

Ugh I'm so sorry flea. Sending good vibes to your mum. I'm glad you're going home. Hope therapy is helpful  <3

 

Kitty hugs to the rescue:

 

[fleaball]

Therapy was not super helpful. It wasn't really unhelpful either. I guess maybe because I didn't really have anything to work with beyond "shit's going down but I don't know what and I'm scared" there wasn't really a lot to do. Meh. 

 

I told my parents i wouldn't be home til 9. That's 52 minutes from now and I'm watching the clock with so much apprehension. 

[Dagger]

[fleaball]

So the update I got last night wasn't much of an update. Hematocrit levels were super low, gave her blood, switching to a different chemo formula on Monday that shouldn't be as harsh. Definite sense of urgency over the fact that she hasn't had chemo in 3 weeks though. So who knows why the situation actually is. I didn't cry too much on the phone so there's that. I'm glad I'm going home next weekend although they said before that the chemo side effects would kick in 4-5 days after so my timing might be shitty. Oh well. 

[Jarric]

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

So the update I got last night wasn't much of an update. Hematocrit levels were super low, gave her blood, switching to a different chemo formula on Monday that shouldn't be as harsh. Definite sense of urgency over the fact that she hasn't had chemo in 3 weeks though. So who knows why the situation actually is. I didn't cry too much on the phone so there's that. I'm glad I'm going home next weekend although they said before that the chemo side effects would kick in 4-5 days after so my timing might be shitty. Oh well. 

 

Still good that you're going though, even if timing turns out to be shitty I think (hope) you'll feel good because you've done something anyway.

 

*all the hugs*

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Jarric said:

 

Still good that you're going though, even if timing turns out to be shitty I think (hope) you'll feel good because you've done something anyway.

 

*all the hugs*

Yeah. Worst case scenario she winds up sleeping a lot or whatever and I just dick around the house either cleaning or doing homework. But no matter what it will give my father a chance to take time for himself for a bit and I'll get to see her at least once just in case anything happens. That's my biggest fear, really. Missing her because she dies really suddenly and not having been back to see her in a long time. 

[Severine]

Honestly, there's never going to be a perfect time. And in some ways, if she's feeling shitty, it might be the best time to have you there? Like that's when she needs people to take care of her. And she might be more open to being taken care of when she really needs it. Even if it's just simple stuff like helping out around the house and sitting with her. Of course it might also make it harder on you. It's all so complicated. But it's good you're going because you keep talking about how afraid you are of missing the chance.

 

Do you have the grad photo prints to take back? Might be a nice gift?

 

 

 

[fleaball]

6 minutes ago, Severine said:

Honestly, there's never going to be a perfect time. And in some ways, if she's feeling shitty, it might be the best time to have you there? Like that's when she needs people to take care of her. And she might be more open to being taken care of when she really needs it. Even if it's just simple stuff like helping out around the house and sitting with her. Of course it might also make it harder on you. It's all so complicated. But it's good you're going because you keep talking about how afraid you are of missing the chance.

 

Do you have the grad photo prints to take back? Might be a nice gift?

 

 

 

Yeah I know that. But who would I be if I didn't complain about things? I'll probably cry a lot but yeah it will still be good. 

 

Gross photo is gross. But I have this and then another one not in a frame so yeah. It's something. There's a 300% chance I will cry giving it to her because it's so loaded but whatever.

[Sylvaa]

You look so pretty in that photo!

[fleaball]

11 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

You look so pretty in that photo!

Danke. 

[Dagger]

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

You look so pretty in that photo!

QFT.

[Severine]

So...

 

1. You're very pretty, in my opinion.

2. Turns out I feel extremely weird telling friends I think they're good looking...so I feel obliged to point out that I don't mean anything creepy or inappropriate by that.

3. I also think physical looks are considered way way too important in our society and it sucks that anyone has to feel like they need to care about how they look. You would still be just as amazing and interesting and worthwhile even if you didn't line up as much with typical standards of attractiveness. Trivial things like facial structure and the relative location of fat deposits are a really dumb way to choose friends or life partners or whatever. Obviously it does still matter for a lot of things like dating and jobs etc. because humans are stupid and biased. But it shouldn't matter.

 

Despite my strong beliefs about how looks shouldn't matter, I also know what it's like to look at a photo and hate it and think it's terrible and feel ugh about it. Because I'm a hypocrite and try to hold myself to dumb standards I would never apply to anyone else. And I know what it's like to have other people say I look good, and believe that they mean it but not believe them that it's really true. And to instead just see a bunch of stuff you wish were different. I totally know. And I think the thing I want to say most is that I'm really sorry that's how it feels when you look at it. Because in my experience there's no easy shortcut to outthink or outlogic that feeling. Even when you understand all the mechanics behind it, it's still a sucky feeling. 

 

But you're awesome, because we all think so, and we are always right  And at least try to believe that everyone who says it to you really means it. And everyone who doesn't think you're worth knowing because of how you look is nobody worth your time anyway.

[Countess D'If]

On 1/26/2017 at 2:19 PM, fleaball said:

Wowwww that went right the fuck over my head. But now I'm giggling at my desk. 

 

I JUST read this. You are the cutest

[fleaball]

On 1/27/2017 at 5:41 PM, Severine said:

So...

 

1. You're very pretty, in my opinion.

2. Turns out I feel extremely weird telling friends I think they're good looking...so I feel obliged to point out that I don't mean anything creepy or inappropriate by that.

3. I also think physical looks are considered way way too important in our society and it sucks that anyone has to feel like they need to care about how they look. You would still be just as amazing and interesting and worthwhile even if you didn't line up as much with typical standards of attractiveness. Trivial things like facial structure and the relative location of fat deposits are a really dumb way to choose friends or life partners or whatever. Obviously it does still matter for a lot of things like dating and jobs etc. because humans are stupid and biased. But it shouldn't matter.

 

Despite my strong beliefs about how looks shouldn't matter, I also know what it's like to look at a photo and hate it and think it's terrible and feel ugh about it. Because I'm a hypocrite and try to hold myself to dumb standards I would never apply to anyone else. And I know what it's like to have other people say I look good, and believe that they mean it but not believe them that it's really true. And to instead just see a bunch of stuff you wish were different. I totally know. And I think the thing I want to say most is that I'm really sorry that's how it feels when you look at it. Because in my experience there's no easy shortcut to outthink or outlogic that feeling. Even when you understand all the mechanics behind it, it's still a sucky feeling. 

 

But you're awesome, because we all think so, and we are always right  And at least try to believe that everyone who says it to you really means it. And everyone who doesn't think you're worth knowing because of how you look is nobody worth your time anyway.

1. Thanks. 

2. I know the feeling. I totally didn't take it as anything weird though. 

3. I totally believe that you all mean it. I don't necessarily agree but I made myself not argue. I know I can't be objective here. So you can't see me but I'm just smiling and nodding and keeping my mouth shut. Maybe by the time I get the actual photos done in May they'll be something I like. But thanks for everything you said. 

[fleaball]

No chemo again today. She had a low-grade fever and they didn't feel comfortable giving it to her. Instead they admitted her to try to figure out what it is (pneumonia is gone, some other things came back negative, it might just be a cold) and if she's better tomorrow they'll just do the chemo then before they discharge her. 

 

I honestly can't tell whether I'm just being a pessimist or if she's really not going to make it that long. This is the third time the chemo has been rescheduled. They were going to do it today despite the fever just because it's been so long but the nurse who actually administers it said no, he didn't feel comfortable doing it. My father called me when he got home and said he was giving me the update because she'd turned her phone off since she was exhausted. I'm really glad I'm going home but I'm also fucking terrified of what's going to happen. I'm at the point where I'm half tempted to keep a go bag at work just in case my father calls me some day and says this is it, because my house is in the opposite direction from the airport. 

 

Haven't heard from car guy. Assuming I'm not picking it up tonight. Planning on going to bed in the next 45 minutes. Ugh.

[Owlet]

Ugh, I'm glad you're going home this weekend too (I totally thought it was last weekend but hey, this weekend works too =P) It really sucks they keep delaying chemo, I hope it happens soon. Even though that won't exactly make her feel great. Argh. Hugs

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

Ugh, I'm glad you're going home this weekend too (I totally thought it was last weekend but hey, this weekend works too =P) It really sucks they keep delaying chemo, I hope it happens soon. Even though that won't exactly make her feel great. Argh. Hugs

Could have gone last weekend, but as Thursday was supposed to be chemo day I figured this week would be better. The universe apparently disagrees.

[Owlet]

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Could have gone last weekend, but as Thursday was supposed to be chemo day I figured this week would be better. The universe apparently disagrees.

*shakes fist at sky*

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

*shakes fist at sky*

the title of my memoir.