Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Welp. The beer was decent but the burger was super lackluster. And now the waitress keeps bypassing me before I can ask her for the check. Rawrrrr. 

 

Can i just be in Boston now? Fast forward 3 hours? I'm done with the hurry up and wait. 

[Owlet]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

And now the waitress keeps bypassing me before I can ask her for the check. Rawrrrr. 

Haha I really struggled with this in New York. I think we offended a few waitresses by going up to the counter to try and pay. We weren't trying to be super rude and pushy, it just seems silly to wait for them to decide when you're ready to pay and leave?! Heck, sometimes you pay before you even sit down here, so you just walk on out when you're done. 

 

Anyway. Sorry to hear you're struggling with the anxiety   Perfectly understandable given that your folks aren't telling you details. Sometimes ignorance really isn't bliss. Fingers crossed it turns out to be nothing. But you should probably hang out with the cats anyway. Maybe take some videos to put on youtube and make your millions while you're there. 

[fleaball]

Pancreatic cancer that spread to her liver and lung. Awesome. I'll be back later to rant at some point probably. 

[Countess D'If]

Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry

[fleaball]

Right. So. I've hated this house for years and I'm not excited to be back in it and the bathroom is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen in forever. To the point that I just spotted an old pair of flip flops that I will legitimately be wearing in the shower. 

 

Cancer talk spoilered in case it's a thing people don't want to read.

Spoiler

On to the important stuff. So there's no cure for pancreatic cancer, but they can "manage" it with chemo. The tumor on her liver is pretty small and the one on her lung is less than 2cm so they're less worried about those. The chemo for the pancreas will apparently work on those tumors as well since that's where it started. She sounded scared but also slightly blase about it. Apparently she found out about the lung tumor a week ago Tuesday, the liver is what was biopsied, and that's how they determined it was the pancreas and then they went and found it or something. But she didn't actually find out about all of it until this past Tuesday, and met with the oncologist today (Thursday). Oncologist "doesn't do numbers," i.e. doesn't tell people what stage it's in or give them odds of living or whatever. Which my mother is fine with. At least on the outside. I'm taking her to an appointment with her PCP in the afternoon just to check in, basically, and at some point the oncologist is supposed to call with an appointment to get the chemo port put in next week and her first chemo appointment the first week of January. I already asked if I should stay for that and she said it's up to me and I can't make that decision. I can't. Because Christ, of course I don't want to be around for that. But how the fuck do I say "nah gonna go back and dick around in DC have fun." 

 

I looked it up and since it's already spread that means it's stage 4. I figured as much. Hell, I figured she was dying when she called to say she was in the hospital. 

Quote

Historically, patients with metastatic pancreatic cancer have been considered incurable and rarely survived more than one year. However, with newer treatments, some patients are surviving 1-2 years and can experience improved quality of life. In addition, the management of patients with Stage IV pancreatic cancer is focused on reducing pain and maintaining nutrition.  (http://www.texasoncology.com/types-of-cancer/pancreatic-cancer/stage-iv-pancreatic-cancer)

 

I don't think she's going to make it to my graduation. I honestly don't. She's in terrible physical health to begin with. And if chemo depresses her immune system? lol bye. This house is a fucking shithole. It's a wonder I didn't develop asthma while I was living here. There's talk of hiring someone to come in and clean because they might need a visiting nurse or something a few days a week (who would have her dragged out of the house in its current condition) to help her post-chemo and I just... I'm sorry. I have no faith that this is happening. None at all. I have spent my entire life listening to both my parents talking about things that were going to get done that never did. Including things beneficial to their own health. I want to believe it's going to be different but Christ I really honestly can't. I just can't. 

 

I don't know what to do. I was saying earlier that I'll help clean and do whatever needs to be done while I'm here and she was saying no, there are better ways for me to use my time here. And that she just wants to spend time with me. And fuck it just now hit me what that means. Maybe she doesn't think she's in the clear as much as she's letting on. And in the meantime I'm stuck not even facing the reality of this. I'm bouncing back and forth between worrying about what I'm supposed to be doing and what's going to happen after. As in, I cannot put my life on hold right now. I have one semester left of classes, an internship, blah blah. All of it 600 miles away. When my grandmother got sick my mother spent every. single. day with her between the beginning of September and November 13th, except for two days. Which she could do because my grandmother was never more than 5 miles away and my mother had a retail job with a flexible schedule that also happened to be union so she worked out the bare minimum she needed to work without getting fired. I can't do that. That's not where I am. And I know she'd be super upset with me anyway if I took a semester off or whatever so it's not expected that I drop everything. But I'm the kind of person who always has to be there to help and put everyone's needs before my own so it just feels wrong to sit here and be like no, of course I'm going to go home and try to live my life like a normal person while you're literally fucking dying but pumping yourself full of poison in an attempt to put it off just a little longer. Sure I can come home every few weeks but that's going to be such a drag on everyone. Travel for me, stress for my parents because they insist on always picking me up at the airport and also she'll feel bad about taking me away from school or whatever. 

 

fuck me. I supposedly went to bed two hours ago and she just came upstairs and my light is clearly on and I'm fucking sobbing. I knew I should have waited to do this until tomorrow when she went out alone. I shouldn't have thought about it. I thought I would be okay like, until I got back to DC but nope, apparently five minutes alone is enough to ruin me. 

 

Anyway. As far as thinking about what happens after: bills. So many bills that my father will have to pay. (She thinks she has life insurance but how the fuck do you not know? I pay mine every month, is that not standard?) So many decisions to make regarding the house and all kinds of other shit. My brother will more than likely kill himself and my father will be completely adrift and I will be left to clean up the messes and I can't. I can't. I'm not moving back to Boston unless there's a job for me here. I can come back a few times to help my father with like, paperwork or whatever, but I can't give up my life. And I know I'll feel like I have to and that's the worst part. I can't. Ha, fuck. I was about to lament the fact that years ago she told me that when she dies I have to take care of my brother. And it's not fair because there's no way he'd move and I'm not coming back etc etc. And then it occured to me that yeah, no. I won't have to take care of him because he'll take care of things his own way. 

 

I don't know what to do. I'm acting like she's already dead, I know. But I can't process how I'm just supposed to go about life as usual now. Fuck. 

 

 

Honestly when I was packing I almost didn't bring my Christmas earrings because I didn't want to deal with it and then I was like "no what if it's her last Christmas" completely unbidden and goddammit why.

 

And you know what? I am fucking pissed because this means I will never come out to my mother. Because I can't trust that she'll accept it. I can't be sure that it wouldn't start some kind of drama and impact her health or our relationship. Holy fucking Christ. Yeah, this is the thing that has ruined me the most right now. 

 

Right. I have to get up in 5 hours to take her grocery shopping. I should attempt sleep now that I've cried out every drop of water from my body. Sorry for being depressing as fuck.

[Dagger]

I'm so sorry. Fuck cancer. *sending hugs across the Atlantic*

[Owlet]

Oh fuck. I'm so sorry  I wish I could make it better. I wish I was in Boston so I could give you hugs. 

[NeverThatBored]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. 

[Jarric]

I'm really sorry to hear you and tour family are going through this *hugs*

[fleaball]

<3 Thanks all

[RES]

Goddammit...I am so very sorry hon...it sucks and I have no good advice but I am here if you need a shoulder or anything...

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, RES said:

Goddammit...I am so very sorry hon...it sucks and I have no good advice but I am here if you need a shoulder or anything...

Thanks <3 so far I'm doing okay. Crying when random thoughts pop into my head by haven't really processed it thoroughly yet. Trying to hold out til therapy on Thursday and then will probably spend the weekend being a complete wreck but eh. 

[Countess D'If]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Thanks <3 so far I'm doing okay. Crying when random thoughts pop into my head by haven't really processed it thoroughly yet. Trying to hold out til therapy on Thursday and then will probably spend the weekend being a complete wreck but eh. 

 

 

We're here for you, if you want/need us

[fleaball]

28 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

 

 

We're here for you, if you want/need us

Appreciated. I didn't forget that you reached out. <3 I really am mostly just squashing everything until I'm alone and can be as upset as I need to be without worrying about upsetting other people. You'll probably see a lot more ranting under spoilers in the future. 

[Countess D'If]

6 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Appreciated. I didn't forget that you reached out. <3 I really am mostly just squashing everything until I'm alone and can be as upset as I need to be without worrying about upsetting other people. You'll probably see a lot more ranting under spoilers in the future. 

Squish away, my dear. Take care of you

[fleaball]

You guys. I don't know what to do. I want to come out to my mother because I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not she'd have been cool about it. And if I do it I want to do it in person vs Skype or over the phone. And I have no way of knowing if I'll get to see her in person again after Thursday morning. 

 

But I don't want it to stress her out either way. I mean if she takes it badly that's a horrible thing to do to her. But if she's okay with it then I have to explain that I haven't said anything until because she's said shitty things in the past and I didn't feel comfortable about coming out to her? And even if I don't say that it's sort of implied if I say I've known I'm queer for 14 years and I'm only telling you now because you're dying and I had to know? I mean hell the other day I said I'm not much of a Christmas person (before she told me about the cancer and in response to the house not being decorated as much as usual because she was kind of in the hospital) and she got really sad and was like "I know and I'm so sorry you feel that way." It's not her fault but it was clear she felt like she failed me somehow. I can't think of any way to fail your kid worse than not making them feel safe to be themselves around you. 

 

It feels so fucking selfish even thinking about it. It hurts her no matter what I do. If she's against it then that's a thing she has to deal with for the very short rest of her life. If she's okay with it there's still the implication that I didn't trust her enough to tell her for literally half my life AND she'll have to avoid telling my father or probably deal with his bullshit if she does tell him. 

 

I feel like I need to clarify. When I say it hurts her if she doesn't accept it I don't mean I'm ashamed of it or think that I personally will cause her pain. Just that whatever those negative feelings are will probably stay with her for however long she has. And as petty as I can be and however willing I was to just come out out of spite before, I cannot purposely do that knowing what's coming. Months of chemo just to maybe stick it out til my graduation? Maybe my brother's birthday in July? All while getting progressively more miserable? I can't add to that. And no matter how she takes it that's exactly what I'll be doing. 

 

Fuck. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. My mother is going to die and I'm never going to know if she would have accepted me. If i'm the one being a judgmental asshole here assuming that she would disapprove and push me away.  Because every so often she'll say at least neutral things about ~the gays~ that make me think maybe she's not as bad as I'm expecting, but I know there are a lot of people who are "okay" with queer folks in theory but not as actual people. And she'll complain about my father's super gay cousin posting gay things on Facebook. And there have been so many comments about "why do they have to shove it in our faces" and "I'm okay with it so long as I don't have to see it." 

 

Ugh. I just asked my brother how he think she'd take it and he thinks she'd be okay with it but that still doesn't take hurting her out of the equation. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

 

Christ this is so fucking selfish. "Hi I know you're busy trying not to die but do you have a second to validate my needs, possibly at the expense of your own? Great thanks."

[fleaball]

Fucking hell I hate this. I hate that I'm feeling the need to apologize for my sexuality and like my very fucking existence could hurt someone. Under any other circumstance I would say fuck you, it's your own problem if you can't accept me. And yet here I am agonizing over the fact that it could actually hurt my mother. 

 

I need to stop crying. I have cried every fucking day since Thursday. It's fucking killing me that in about 26 hours I'll be at the airport waiting for my flight home, going back to live my damn life while the rest of this shit is happening. She's already told me she doesn't want me to stay longer because I need to get back to school and my internship and all that and honestly I'm grateful that she doesnt want me to drop everything and stay here but I'm so scared I'll never see her again. For as wonky as our relationship is I just... that's not fair. And honestly I'm so fucking mad at her because she has never taken care of herself. On top of smoking for more than thirty years she's just constantly never given a shit about taking care of herself. I know it's not like she caused this cancer but fuck she's only 61. 

 

Christ, I really wish I were seeing someone right now. I want nothing more than to go home and just have someone hold me while I cry. But that's not in the cards. And I probably won't start dating anytime soon anyway because "hi if we watch tv or a movie where anyone dies for any reason I'm going to start bawling" really isn't a great pickup line. At this rate I'll never be talking to my therapist about my rant two weeks ago anyway. 

 

Goddamn. I like how every time I say I haven't thought about it and I'm not going to, I come back with a long ass rant anyway. I'm not even sure if this is coherent but I'm gonna post it anyway and attempt sleep before I have to get up tomorrow and pretend everything is fucking fine. 

[Dagger]

I'm sorry. That is all I can figure out to say. Life certainly never makes it easy. *hugs*

[RES]

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm not even sure if this is coherent but I'm gonna post it anyway and attempt sleep before I have to get up tomorrow and pretend everything is fucking fine. 

Fuck being coherent, say what you need to...you don't have to be coherent with us

[Countess D'If]

2 hours ago, RES said:

 

Fuck being coherent, say what you need to...you don't have to be coherent with us

Exactly.

[fleaball]

lololol I was out shopping with my mother and she pointed out that my eyes are swollen and was really concerned. Surprise, that's what happens when you're up til 3:30 crying. 

[Owlet]

I don't know your mother, but do you think there's a possibility that she would rather have to deal with some difficult feelings herself than know that you will spend the rest of your life wondering if she accepted you for who you are? And if your brother reckons she'd be fine about it, maybe roll with that. I don't think you need to explain why you've waited this long either - coming out is a really big deal and people do it when they're ready, whenever that is. You don't need to mention why you haven't felt comfortable telling her or why you're doing it now. Just say 'hey Mum, it's really important to me that you know this thing about me'. Just my 2 cents, which you can toss to the wind as you please  Hugs!

[Owlet]

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

I don't know your mother, but do you think there's a possibility that she would rather have to deal with some difficult feelings herself than know that you will spend the rest of your life wondering if she accepted you for who you are? And if your brother reckons she'd be fine about it, maybe roll with that. I don't think you need to explain why you've waited this long either - coming out is a really big deal and people do it when they're ready, whenever that is. You don't need to mention why you haven't felt comfortable telling her or why you're doing it now. Just say 'hey Mum, it's really important to me that you know this thing about me'. Just my 2 cents, which you can toss to the wind as you please  Hugs!

Dammit. I made the mistake of reading this before dinner and now I'm crying again. I should know better. I'm gonna have to reply later because I just fucking can't right now but thank you.

[Owlet]

1 minute ago, fleaball said:

Dammit. I made the mistake of reading this before dinner and now I'm crying again. I should know better. I'm gonna have to reply later because I just fucking can't right now but thank you.

Oh no, sorry! More hugs!