[Ranger Hal]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

This morning I woke up around six and just laid there a bit. I noticed I was going through a lot of reasons why I didn't need to go the the gym this morning.

I let that tape continue for a bit, then got up to go to the bathroom and make tea, and the reasons came with me.

I put the things together in my gym bag and put on my gym clothes and walked out the door, and the reasons came along, still.

I walked into the gym and swiped in, and waved to the Old TImers and started around the track. 

Friends, the reasons were still singing their song well into the second lap. 

This made me laugh. Poor reasons.

I'm picturing you saying "Sure, you can come along while I do my thing" and the reasons just trailing behind you dejectedly!

 

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

I'm supposed to meet a fellow band parent at the high school for dinner (packed from home) and chat after the committee meeting and before the first home game of the season, then go to the home game, then the Band Boosters have decided to get together after  the game and Friends, I am exhausted just thinking about it, BUT it's the first game and also the first time I've ever been included and yes, I kind of have to go.

Wishing you strength to get through this. I hope you are able to enjoy it.

[Sovalis]

 

Sending you love! Stay safe while you buzz around all of your activities! ?

[Heidi]

4 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

I'm picturing you saying "Sure, you can come along while I do my thing" and the reasons just trailing behind you dejectedly!

yes, this was it exactly! Poor things.

 

4 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

Wishing you strength to get through this. I hope you are able to enjoy it.

Well, I got through work, acupuncture, and the committee meeting just great. Everyone is pretty happy with the direction of my research, and it looks like there is going to be a really good set of Qualifying Exam Questions.

 

I had a moment of concern when one of the committee members asked how Maus, the actual book, factored in to my research, and I said it served as a great example of how local rhetoric was driving educational policy changes through claims of small parents’ groups crying foul and using accusations of “pornography” to limit student access to a book, and that it seemed to be the first of what has become a wildfire of unprecedented levels of book challenges, which have in turn led to a wave of state-level educational policies around school libraries. One of the committee members seemed confused that my dissertation was about Mass, per se, or the challenges to that specific book, and over the next two hours, she seemed to come around to understand that it was being used as a boundary, a pinpoint for my research, but not a thoughtless one. All that is to say that it looks like I’ll have the Qualifying Exam questions in a couple weeks. The committee were really pleased overall with the state of my research as is, and seem to be enthusiastically looking forward to how it develops. It’s possible that getting the five branches of the humanities represented by the committee will be the most challenging aspect of the whole thing.

 

James and I met afterwards for a short debriefing, and as we were finishing up,  I hit a wall. The headache started to blossom, and I logged out with James, and sent a text to the band parent saying I wouldn’t meet for dinner and might not make the game.

 

I ate the salmon and black lentils I had packed in my bento box, drank a large glass of milk (the last of what’s in the fridge), then laid down in the dark bedroom with a heating pad. This helped. That was two hours ago, and I’m only just now able to sort of think, so that’s it for the day. I haven’t gone to get the week’s milk delivery, and that will just have to wait until tomorrow morning — I can barely walk down stairs, let alone drive.

 

I haven’t texted the Band Booster folks yet, but I won’t make the game, and I won’t be going to the after-game get together.

I’m disappointed to miss, but glad to be able to be at home and give my brain and body what is needed.

 

I’m up and eating the salad from the bento—thank you past me for making good food.

I’m drinking a lovely cup of tea and had a large bottle of water earlier.

The heating pad is helpful, and I might watch some more of The Newsroom on my tablet with the brightness turned way down to protect my poor brain. While I was in the Committee Meeting, I thought about how I might craft my manuscripts as Newsroom episodes, and it felt like it had merit. Even if it doesn’t, I like The Newsroom and since I saw it before the head injury, I can’t remember any of it until I’m actually watching it, and that makes it all sort of fresh again.  I really need Aaron Sorkin to write another season of this and bring Will MacAvoy back.

 

FitBit says I’d already gotten in more steps and nearly as many flights of stairs as yesterday before I threw in the towel on today. This is a pretty solid win.

 

I hope you are having a lovely day.

❤️ 

 

 

[Sovalis]

I am sorry that you hit the wall, but so glad you prepared yourself well in terms of self care. You are amazing. I hope you get excellent rest and are feeling better soon. ❤️ 

[Heidi]

14 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I am sorry that you hit the wall, but so glad you prepared yourself well in terms of self care. You are amazing. I hope you get excellent rest and are feeling better soon. ❤️ 

Thank you.

 

I did rest, and it helped some.

This morning I woke up at 6 and was still dicey, so I cast a Stillness spell, and that was working.

Then a friend called and I realized I was still in the same place with my head and energy level as I was at 4 yesterday — no worse, thankfully, but no better.

After the call, I took a Maxalt potion and I’m going back to bed.

There is nothing that needs doing.

My homework is done.

My house is clean.

I have tea.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

I have now reached the point where I no longer think this is a TBI thing and think this is a stomach bug-flu thing. 

I am very glad my week was all accomplished and that I had nothing on my list of things to do for the weekend.

Being sick still sucks, but the Universe seems to have a handy sense of scheduling.

 

I’m up now, made tea, and will probably watch an episode of something or other and then nap again.

Feeling less queasy and dizzy and stuff, but pretty wiped out.

Sometimes love is a cup of hot tea, a heating pad, a dark room, and your favorite throw blanket.

[Heidi]

I rested more, and slept and did all the being-sick things.

I had a little energy around noon, so I chopped half an onion and some of the fresh celery stalks from the farm share and sautéed them in olive oil with a bit of salt. I added some red lentils and three cloves of garlic. While they were doing their thing, I chopped a couple potatoes and a few carrots and added them to the mix. I really like having the farm share produce already in my fridge so I can pick through it and see what is going to work best from what I already have. It can also feel like too much work sometimes, and feel like it’s an unsolvable puzzle of ingredients, so I’m in a blessedly good spot. 

 

I added some chicken broth and some oregano and brought it to a boil, then added egg noodles. 

While they cooked, I whipped up a batch of plant food and fed the Ficus tree (Daphne) and the Peace lily (Pax), and I put a few things away that had been lurking about. I am glad I took the time to neaten up when I did, because I was pretty wiped out by the time the noodles were cooked. I ate a bowl while watching the last season of The Newsroom and had a bunch of thoughts and then napped again. This is good.

 

I woke up with some thoughts about the relationship between education and the national prosperity that we’ve had in this country since the end of WW2, and how that runs pretty parallel with the pushback against educational institutions in the US, which also runs parallel with the Civil Rights movement in the US. I wrote a few notes and called that done. I didn’t want to lose what I was thinking, but I didn’t have the intellectual energy to spend on pulling all the threads, so I just made shorthand notes about various intersecting or overlapping concepts and events. I set up aa chicken breast to simmer and added it to the remaining noodle soup, which by then had soaked up most of the broth, as designed. I put everything together in a container for the fridge. I can add some broth to it all tomorrow and it will be a proper chicken noodle soup, but I’m pretty spent today.

 

I haven’t taken a covid test yet. I’m still waiting to see how I feel in the morning.

Hopefully all of this will be behind me by then and I’ll be fit and ready for the gym once more. I’m okay with weekends off — the hardest part of going to the gym for me is leaving the apartment, which might sound ridiculous, but it’s still true. Even before 2020 I was very inclined to stay inside and what a lot of people would call isolated; seeing others is an effort, and being seen by others takes a toll, even when it’s something I want to do and enjoy.

 

I got a text message from my medical chart in the afternoon that my dermatology appointment has been scheduled for Tuesday at 8 in the morning. The referral was so long ago that I had nearly given up on it. There’s a freckle that changed shape and is now sensitive and it needs a look, so I’m glad that’s happening.

 

I need to go get milk on the northeast end of town and really don’t want to leave the building let alone drive 20 minutes one way, but milk is milk, so I’ll probably go after work tomorrow. 

 

It’s going to be another early night.

❤️ 

 

 

[Heidi]

Welcome to Week 2!

 

I got up around 6 and did the making tea thing, which took stupidly long, as it does some times. 

I collected the things for the gym bag, including putting some conditioner and face scrub in small containers. I had to really look at how resentment and feeling unsafe had impacted my willingness to go to the gym after having my locker broken into Yet Again (the third time, a second locker, back in the Spring). I don't really like the location of the locker that I chose as a replacement (I chose a space that was very visibile in the the locker room), so on Friday I signed up for one I like better. I still don't have a lock for it, but that's all good. I am glad I am processing beyond the woundedness on this. My new lock (the old one was taken along with everything else in my locker) will be here on Wednesday.

 

At the gym I walked a mile, and took some three pound weights for curls, backscratches, and swimmers presses while I walked. I got so in the zone that I forgot to do the rowing machine afterwards. The sauna was amazing. There are a couple women who are very chatty from 7-7:30, and not very nice, and skipping the rowing machine meant I was in the locker room with them, but just long enough to say "have a nice day" as I headed into the steam room and they headed out. All the more reason to row.

 

I'm in a weird emotional space this morning, and I'm not sure what to make of it, but much like the reasons from Friday, I am just letting the emotions come along for the ride; my work doesn't change. 

Speaking of work, I was back, started a load of laundry, had a cup of tea and logged in by 8, even with all the emotions and "where did I put my [object]?" shenanigans that were going on. 

This is good; this is the Way.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

forgot to mention that part of the emotions and fiddlyness of the morning, I ended up unloading the dishwasher and loading the (rinsed and stacked) dishes from this weekend's cooking efforts.

Just after posting this morning, I was hit with a wave of hunger, which means I'm definitely on the mend. I'm glad I took the weekend to rest and heal.

I heated up a bowl of chicken noodle vegetable stew, poured a glass of milk and it was all excellent.

[Artemis Prime]

Glad you are feeling better.

 

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

I am just letting the emotions come along for the ride; my work doesn't change. 

I am discovering it is possible to let myself feel things, without letting my emotions dictate my behavior, and it feels like unlocking a superpower. Very inspiring to see you modeling this.

[Sovalis]

Glad you were able to rest and recover. ❤️ 

[Heidi]

41 minutes ago, Artemis Prime said:

Glad you are feeling better.

 

I am discovering it is possible to let myself feel things, without letting my emotions dictate my behavior, and it feels like unlocking a superpower. Very inspiring to see you modeling this.

It really IS a superpower!

I'm so glad to hear that this is happening for you, too.

FWIW, I find meditative acts like walking, or doing the dishes, or assembling a bookcase particularly helpful for getting from "up in the feels" to "having them along for the ride." When my feelings want to call all the shots, choosing a task like this helps reorient me.

Solidarity.

 

22 minutes ago, Sovalis said:

Glad you were able to rest and recover. ❤️ 

Me too.

It's not quite 11, and the morning work has been done and the morning meetings have been had, and my attitude is pretty surly and disengaged where work is concerned. 

I've retreated with the laptop to The Cave, and this is helping.

Thanks for having me along in your threads and in the challenge tracking spreadsheets and things; it's really making it possible to stay at work today, when inclination and Better Sense would have me logging out and taking a nap for half a day.

[Heidi]

Okay, so the quest this week is Squats. At least they aren't weighted squats, which kill my knees. But here we go -- 10 a day, or a total of 70, each held for 5 seconds.

I think I found a new "while the kettle heats" activity. Given that I'm resistant to squats, generally (and to lunges for the same reason), I will be bringing along my meditation skills with this activity this week.

We can do uncomfortable things. 

❤️ 

[Sovalis]

Please just make sure you aren’t hurting yourself. That is my biggest fear with all of this quest giving: I just don’t know everyone’s limitations and how to accommodate them and it makes me anxious. ?

[Artemis Prime]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

Okay, so the quest this week is Squats. At least they aren't weighted squats, which kill my knees. But here we go -- 10 a day, or a total of 70, each held for 5 seconds.

I think I found a new "while the kettle heats" activity. Given that I'm resistant to squats, generally (and to lunges for the same reason), I will be bringing along my meditation skills with this activity this week.

We can do uncomfortable things. 

❤️

I've found that, when done slowly and meditatively, holding the bottom position, squats can feel a lot like stretching. It seems to help my body relax into them if I can think of them as stretches instead of strengthening work.

[Heidi]

55 minutes ago, Artemis Prime said:

I've found that, when done slowly and meditatively, holding the bottom position, squats can feel a lot like stretching. It seems to help my body relax into them if I can think of them as stretches instead of strengthening work.

I like this.

Maybe I'll think of them as an extended hold yoga pose.

Thank you!

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Please just make sure you aren’t hurting yourself. That is my biggest fear with all of this quest giving: I just don’t know everyone’s limitations and how to accommodate them and it makes me anxious. ?

I hear you!!

If it makes you nervous, you can always write a disclaimer or modification or note that modification is super acceptable -- I liked the deadbugs modification in one of the other quests, Spiders, I think? 

I am honestly considering deadbugs instead of squats if they end up being too much for my knees, and thank you for the reminder that this is supposed to be heathy and fun, not painful and damaging

[Heidi]

I used "picking up the milk" (20 points for Duird tasks) as an herb-gathering excercise. I have many many empty bottles to return, so I chose the ones highest up on the shelf and set them in a bag on the floor, holding when I got lower down. 

At the milk location, I repeated that for each of the three half gallons (in glass -- those babies are not light, but aren't onerous). Thinking of it as yoga helped me find my way through. 

 

After I put the milk away, I drove downtown and kicked off the Women's Pinball Fall League. I hung out for practice, group assignments and other announcements (20 points for Social), then came home to log in and do the release.

This is the right balance of things: social, work, and rest. 

 

I am tired, and am going to bed as soon as the release is done. 

Might watch an episode, might just turn off the light and be done with today.

Today was a good day. 

[Heidi]

I woke up at 6, thought "I have time to get the gym in before my doctor's appointment" then promptly fell back to sleep, which apparently I really needed.

I got up at 7 fully aware that I wasn't going to have time to go to the gym this morning before getting to the doctor's appointment at 8. My head was dicey but manaeable and I got dressed and went out. 

 

It's raining and very dark grey and as I drove I was thankful for the low light. I'm pretty certain that the pinball last night is making itself known through a lowkey headache and tiredness. I mean, just everything or even anything seems like a lot of physical effort. Okay, Universe, I hear you.

 

The doctor, a dermatologist who is new to me, checked me over and burned off the freckle that was troublesome. It's not melanoma, but it is also precancerous, so I'm very glad I took it seriously and made an appointment. She gave me a full body skin check and declared me right as rain otherwise, which is nice, and said to come back in a year for what will be a regular annual appointment. 

 

Back in the Loft, I set up the kettle and did some squats for the West March while I waited for the water to boil. This was good -- I definitely felt them and a set of ten was at the limit but not over it. It's been a long time since I did squats, and clearly I need them. I took the tea to the Library and logged in, which is about all I'm worth today. The headache got real during the morning meeting, so I took a Maxalt potion afterwards and gave thanks for the pharmacy.

 

I'm at work.

There's a lot of stupidity still going on, and it feels precarious as well as stupid, as though no one knows what's coming, which might be true, and which always might be true. 

I've cast a low-level restore balance spell which involves some deep intentional breaths, and it's working.

 

The rain is very much needed by the earth --we have some uncharacteristic drought conditions going on in my little area of the world -- and is welcomed by me. I'm not up for bright lights, and the clouds are a blessing. 

 

Tonight after work I have Zazen, and I'm wondering what the odds are of me falling asleep during meditation. 

We'll just have to see.

[DarK_RaideR]

On 9/16/2024 at 5:07 PM, Artemis Prime said:

I am discovering it is possible to let myself feel things, without letting my emotions dictate my behavior, and it feels like unlocking a superpower.

It really is! Took me a bit with meditation and therapy, but it's a game changer.

 

On 9/16/2024 at 7:08 PM, Sovalis said:

Please just make sure you aren’t hurting yourself. That is my biggest fear with all of this quest giving: I just don’t know everyone’s limitations and how to accommodate them and it makes me anxious. ?

We do try to go with the less demanding and complicated things, but of course if someone jumps in with something like "I have x injury and can't do this thing" we can always come up with an alternative for them. Worry not, friend.

 

On 9/16/2024 at 8:07 PM, Artemis Prime said:

I've found that, when done slowly and meditatively, holding the bottom position, squats can feel a lot like stretching. It seems to help my body relax into them if I can think of them as stretches instead of strengthening work.

Agreed. I tend to focus a lot on form, especially posture and spinal alignment. It helps.

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Agreed. I tend to focus a lot on form, especially posture and spinal alignment. It helps.

This is exactly what unlocked the squat sets for me, and thanks to you and @Artemis Prime for pointing out the “stretch and hold” approach. It made all the difference. I also decided to do them in sets of five (as opposed to a full set of ten) and this made them much more manageable on my knees. Bonus: By doing them, I think the knees are getting a wee bit stronger. I know my lower back is definitely reaping some benefits already, which shows how badly I needed them.

 

Good morning and well met, Friends.

I didn’t go to Zazen last night — I was on the fence about it by 5, feeling very tired, and then when my work-friend called at 5:45, exactly the time I was supposed to be walking out the door, I made an executive decision to stay home and talk (+20 social) and it was the right thing to do. We had a good long call and caught up, something we haven’t done in months, possibly a whole year. Everything seems so crazy cakes at work that it was good to have an old-fashioned grumble session complete with laughter and camaraderie. We also just caught up on what’s going on with each other personally, and that’s good too. He has a friend that wants to be a writer, and he thinks her stuff has merit, but he knows nothing about these things and asked if I was still taking writing students. I said I wasn’t but that I would consider it, and he set up her first session (the rest is hers to own, if she wants to or not).  This is good. 

 

After the call, I felt centered, and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed.

I opened my spreadsheet tracker to add the things of the day and realized I needed to add a whole column to separately track my medical appointments. Okay, Universe, this is good to know. It was helpful to see all the appointments spread through the week, since they are such a drain on my energy reserves. I have 2-3 appointments a week this challenge, and no wonder I’m tired and don’t want to leave the house. 

 

I was asleep by 8:30, then woke up at 5. Wow, okay, thank you, Universe.

I have made tea and done a set of five squats and will go to the gym in a bit. 

It’s been rainy and grey, and honestly I want to do nothing more than curl up and sleep for another week.

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

We do try to go with the less demanding and complicated things, but of course if someone jumps in with something like "I have x injury and can't do this thing" we can always come up with an alternative for them.

I have been thinking about possibly using Supermans as an alternative if the squat holds start messing with my knees. I think it gets a similar set of muscles, and definitely mimics lying on the grass and reaching for herbs. ? Whatever alternatives we come up with, I’m digging the narrative, and it’s helping, which was the original point of the forums BackInTheDay.

 

It’s Wednesday, the only day of the week that I don’t have something scheduled after work. I have a meeting with Philosophy James at noon, and I’m looking forward to talking with him about the Quality Question and the schedule and timeline and all the things we usually diverge off into. This morning, I’m thinking about some of the comments Neal made during the committee meeting on Friday, and I think it’s time to start a bit of a lit review on taxonomies, generally, as a data source (how they are constructed, and what makes a collection a taxonomic set of data vs just a file cabinet).  I’m thinking that will be the focus of my independent study work for this semester, and also that it will likely play a large part in one of my qualifying exam questions from the committee even if they don’t call it out explicitly. Basically, I’m taking the opportunity of the qualifying exam to write as much of a draft of the dissertation as possible, because that’s just the sort of philosophy wizard that I am.

 

Despite how weird things are at work right now, I’m grateful that the work load is being less demanding. It allows for things like intellectual rest and intellectual wool-gathering on things like data taxonomies.  

I hope you have a beautiful day.

[Heidi]

Not Superman’s.

Whatever this pose is called:

Can I do this instead of the squat holds? (One=both sides, left and right)

[Heidi]

I made it to the gym again, and wow, I love it.

I took the long way to the gym, walking around the block that has a 40' hill at the far end before going into the gym and finishing my mile on the track. I like this. 

I rowed 250m, then hit the steam room and sauna, about 7 minutes each. Very nice. As I was showering, I felt like I had won the day. 

This also seems to be just the right schedule. I started the walk around the block at 6:40 and finished rowing about 30 minutes later. I came out of the steam room just as the chatty ladies were finishing up, and dried off and got dressed after they left. I like this very much.

 

Work is of course ridiculous, as work has been and will likley continue to be, but that's all good. 

Also found a New York Times article about how to modify squats for those of us with knee issues. I had already been doing the "widen the stance" modification, and I'm glad to see the others as well.

Feels like the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.  

[Heidi]

Forgot to mention that I bought a new lock for my gym locker and decided to leave some few things in it today.

This feels brave, and also a bit sassy. I know someone is breaking into my locker and stealing (probably outright just throwing away) my things in an attempt to harass me, and mostly it works -- I am inconvenience and I feel violated, as intended. But I am not swayed nor do I feel daunted. I did, and now I'm over that. Will they break in and throw away my things again? Possibly. Probably, even. Assholes are going to asshole, and I'm going to go to the gym.

 

❤️

[Artemis Prime]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

Bonus: By doing them, I think the knees are getting a wee bit stronger. I know my lower back is definitely reaping some benefits already, which shows how badly I needed them.

Very nice! I actually first got into lifting because I messed my knees up playing soccer and racquetball and a friend told me squatting heavy should fix them. I was quite trepidatious to start, but she was right and my knees are 1,000 times better than they used to be. I am always very reluctant to suggest it to other people, because not all knee issues are the same and my one case of anecdotal evidence does not a peer reviewed study make, but it does, in at least some cases, help.

 

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

Whatever alternatives we come up with, I’m digging the narrative, and it’s helping, which was the original point of the forums BackInTheDay.

Exactly so.

 

49 minutes ago, Heidi said:

I made it to the gym again, and wow, I love it.

I took the long way to the gym, walking around the block that has a 40' hill at the far end before going into the gym and finishing my mile on the track. I like this. 

I rowed 250m, then hit the steam room and sauna, about 7 minutes each. Very nice. As I was showering, I felt like I had won the day. 

This also seems to be just the right schedule. I started the walk around the block at 6:40 and finished rowing about 30 minutes later. I came out of the steam room just as the chatty ladies were finishing up, and dried off and got dressed after they left. I like this very much.

Yay! I am so glad you have worked out a gym routine that you love. 

 

53 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Feels like the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.  

And so it should.

 

30 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Forgot to mention that I bought a new lock for my gym locker and decided to leave some few things in it today.

This feels brave, and also a bit sassy. I know someone is breaking into my locker and stealing (probably outright just throwing away) my things in an attempt to harass me, and mostly it works -- I am inconvenience and I feel violated, as intended. But I am not swayed nor do I feel daunted. I did, and now I'm over that. Will they break in and throw away my things again? Possibly. Probably, even. Assholes are going to asshole, and I'm going to go to the gym.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but impressed that you are being brave and resolute in the face of adversity.