[RES]

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

I hope you are having a beautiful day, and looking forward to the coming trip.

The reason I asked about the living arrangements is exactly because of the "pretending to be pleasant" when you aren't feeling it and want to light everything on fire just to watch the sparks, which is all a very healthy part of grief and adjustment. I believe you both deserve separate spaces for separate lives, but that's just my two cents.

I love you so much for all of this post but especially this....I do have my reasons but they are long and involved and I will explain them in time.

 

I'm checked in for my flight tomorrow, this is really happening  

D has been strangely attentive since I told her I'm going out of town.

I'll be honest, the main reason is I'm not strong enough to be here when she returns after knowing what she's been doing...

 

My therapist 'homework' from todays session after trauma dumping on her...quit trying to rationalize D's actions, set and KEEP firm boundaries.

Also remember what it means to do for me...this is probably the hardest one...

[DarK_RaideR]

15 hours ago, Heidi said:

May therapy help reveal your blinders. For me, it was all about having a sense of solidarity and parntership--I wanted to create something together--so much so that I kept on thinking i had a partner when I evidence for that was lacking. I fall for the false futures promised by narcissists, and I'm not proud of it.

Don't be too rough on yourself tho, narcissists are by definition masters of selling themselves so not falling for their BS is a lot harder than it would seem.

[Heidi]

5 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Don't be too rough on yourself tho, narcissists are by definition masters of selling themselves so not falling for their BS is a lot harder than it would seem.

You're so right about this.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

Dang, girl, did you decide to stay in Cancun?

 

Edited to add: Whoops, my bad. It only feels like Friday.

I hope you are having a brilliant, relaxing time.

[Heidi]

Okay, it's Friday for real this time.

How was the trip?

[Heidi]

Really hoping you guys are back from Cancun, given the storm that's heading that way.

Also hoping that the trip was restorative, and that the re-entry isn't too rough.

❤️

[RES]

Oh goodness I did not mean to fall off the face of the earth like that!

Cancun was AMAZING, and gave me much needed space and perspective. I spent the last night there on the beach with the full moon and it was just what the universe ordered. ❤️ More on the peace and mindset I came to below in "conversations with D" (I'm going to trademark that! LOL)

When I returned we went to pick up D's truck from the dealership where it was getting some work done, then went and got the camper, nice to have that bill eliminated! Friday was our camping trip with a great group of women. Things went very well after we had a talk after arriving Friday evening and I told her a few things about herself.  She's been under the impression that I still want a relationship with her and that's why we've been sleeping apart according to her, so as not to give me 'hope'. This conversation came up because she was planning on sleeping in the extra bunk while on the camping trip which is just silly...I informed her that she didn't need to worry about that a bit, I didn't care if she did suddenly have a change of heart and begged me to get back together, I didn't want her back. I told her that I have no issues living as friends and companions for the rest of our lives if that's how it turns out but we are NEVER getting back together, (cue Taylor!) because I'm not going through this shit again. If you refuse to get over events of 5 years ago and completely disregard what led to it, it's not gonna happen! I'm focused on remembering what it is to do for me and maybe be a bit selfish as well, as much as I'm able to be anyway. That seemed to also be ordered by the universe because things calmed after that and we had an enjoyable time, and the uncomfortable feeling that was lingering was gone even after we returned home.

So this week, was supposed to include a ride to TN for a women's motorcycle rally, which we are not going to because of a certain storm headed our way  the event is still going on but we're not riding in those conditions!! I took Wed - Fri off and decided to keep them and catch up on some things and just relax a bit. One of those items is catching up on the forums!  

 

[Sovalis]

Hooray for peaceful full moon nights, good trips, and healthy boundary setting!! ?

[Artemis Prime]

So glad to hear you had a good trip and that you've clarified things with D some.

[Heidi]

WooHoo Cancun Moon Magic!

❤️ 

[DarK_RaideR]

2 hours ago, RES said:

She's been under the impression that I still want a relationship with her and that's why we've been sleeping apart according to her, so as not to give me 'hope'.

Well I'm biased as hell here, but that's quite rich coming from her, given her behaviour thus far. You are not to chase after her like a drug addict and I'm glad you did not take that bait. Sounds like the talking helped improve the atmosphere and I'm glad for that.

 

2 hours ago, RES said:

I'm focused on remembering what it is to do for me

Quoted for emphasis.

[RES]

5 hours ago, Heidi said:

WooHoo Cancun Moon Magic!

❤️

Was so amazzzzzing  

 

5 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Well I'm biased as hell here, but that's quite rich coming from her, given her behaviour thus far. You are not to chase after her like a drug addict and I'm glad you did not take that bait. Sounds like the talking helped improve the atmosphere and I'm glad for that.

 

Quoted for emphasis.

Right? When I told her that no way in hell I actually laughed at her, she looked rather shocked...

I, on the other hand, meant every damn word!

[RES]

Oh hey, I just remembered I have a challenge or something going on...

Week one went well, with one exception...Friday I left for Cancun so Saturday workout didn't happen.

All SET - Week 1
( S )leep - ?⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️
( E )xercise - ??????⛈️
( T )rack - ???????

 

Week two was a bit better for sleep, Was in Cancun till Wednesday but did get in lots of walking, zip lining, and several times my watch tracked it as a workout, so I'm going to as well. Thursday was spent catching up and Friday we left to go camping for the weekend. so no workouts those days. We are not going to discuss the raincloud on Sunday because what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun.

All SET - Week 2
( S )leep - ?⛈️?⛈️⛈️⛈️?
( E )xercise - ???⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️
( T )rack - ⛈️??????

 

Ah week three, so far sleep is continuing to elude me, Monday and Tuesday I was catching up at work and didn't get workouts in, corrected that this morning and we should be good going forward.

 

All SET - Week 3 so far
( S )leep - ⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️
( E )xercise - ⛈️⛈️⛈️?
( T )rack - ????

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, RES said:

When I told her that no way in hell I actually laughed at her, she looked rather shocked..

It took me a long time to understand that selfish people believe their selfishness is warranted because they really are better than others to the point that everyone wants them and that rules don’t apply to them.

 

Whew, what a tragically exhausting space that must be to live in.

I’m so glad you spoke your truth to her  

Keep being the beautiful badass that you are.

 

[RES]

22 hours ago, Heidi said:

Whew, what a tragically exhausting space that must be to live in.

I’m so glad you spoke your truth to her  

Keep being the beautiful badass that you are.

It's continuing to be much better since I told her about herself, I should have done that before but honestly I probably wouldn't have meant it then...

Beautiful badasses unite!! 

[RES]

Really thankful I didn't try to go to TN this weekend...I hope everyone that was in the storms path is okay, that thing was no joke!

Goals were kinda meh this week, sleep was understandably rough with the storm, my pain levels have been off the chart! Aggravated my neck and can barely move today so workout is getting skipped. I still haven't gotten to the point I can remove myself from the chair to go get a shower...

 

All SET - Week 3
( S )leep - ⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️
( E )xercise - ⛈️⛈️⛈️???⛈️
( T )rack - ???????

[RES]

My neck continues to be jacked up, I have a massage scheduled today. 

I finally hit a wall, went to bed at 7:30 last night and woke up at 5am. Almost feel like a human again.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Hopefully the massage sorts you out! 

[Mistr]

I am so glad to hear that you had a great trip to Cancun and that the storm did not cause damage in your area. Good call on not going on the bike trip to TN.

 

I am proud of you for talking with D and making your boundaries clear. 

[RES]

9 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Hopefully the massage sorts you out! 

I believe it has, I feel much better now!

 

 

9 hours ago, Mistr said:

I am so glad to hear that you had a great trip to Cancun and that the storm did not cause damage in your area. Good call on not going on the bike trip to TN.

 

I am proud of you for talking with D and making your boundaries clear. 

Thank you!

I'm rather proud of me for this as well, I've noticed since then she's trying to move forward while at the same time slipping back into old habits. I've been reminding her that it's not how things are anymore.

Old habits die hard though, no matter how much we want them to.

[Heidi]

On 9/30/2024 at 6:57 AM, RES said:

My neck continues to be jacked up, I have a massage scheduled today. 

I finally hit a wall, went to bed at 7:30 last night and woke up at 5am. Almost feel like a human again.

It took me until Sunday to start feeling human again.

Hope your healing ocnitnues.

Definitely understand about "slipping into old patterns." I ended up continuing low-key enabling of my most recent ex out of "fairness" blinders.

All I was really doing was standing in the way of his educaiton, and spending my own energy to do it.

(facepalm)

 

I love you and believe in you, as ever.

❤️ 

[RES]

18 hours ago, Heidi said:

It took me until Sunday to start feeling human again.

Hope your healing ocnitnues.

Definitely understand about "slipping into old patterns." I ended up continuing low-key enabling of my most recent ex out of "fairness" blinders.

All I was really doing was standing in the way of his educaiton, and spending my own energy to do it.

(facepalm)

 

I love you and believe in you, as ever.

❤️

Neck does seem to be on the mend.

She told me today that she requested Friday off because she wants to take a ride out of town for the weekend...no mention of "will you take care of the dog for me?" The last minute BS because she doesn't think I'm going anywhere is not going to work for me. I think I need to send her back to school. Overcoming codependency is proving to be quite the challenge...

 

I love  you too, and appreciate your faith in me 

❤️ 

 

[Mistr]

5 hours ago, RES said:

Neck does seem to be on the mend.

 

Yay!

 

5 hours ago, RES said:

She told me today that she requested Friday off because she wants to take a ride out of town for the weekend...no mention of "will you take care of the dog for me?" The last minute BS because she doesn't think I'm going anywhere is not going to work for me. I think I need to send her back to school. Overcoming codependency is proving to be quite the challenge...

 

Okay, this is me being mean. I would say "oh, that's nice. Have you made a reservation at a kennel for the dog? I'm going to be away this weekend too." Then plan a trip of your own. It does not have to be anything fancy, maybe somewhere in the country where you can get a discount on an off-season room in a B&B or Air B&B. Just to make your point.

[DarK_RaideR]

On 10/1/2024 at 2:08 AM, RES said:

I'm rather proud of me for this as well, I've noticed since then she's trying to move forward while at the same time slipping back into old habits. I've been reminding her that it's not how things are anymore.

Old habits die hard though, no matter how much we want them to.

I'm also proud of you and reading this, I wanted to comment it's more than just a matter of habit. As humans, we are creatures of comfort. But I kept myself from going into mean mode, until I read this bit:

On 10/2/2024 at 12:38 PM, RES said:

She told me today that she requested Friday off because she wants to take a ride out of town for the weekend...no mention of "will you take care of the dog for me?" The last minute BS because she doesn't think I'm going anywhere is not going to work for me.

So yeah, it's not habit, it's comfort. Sounds to me like selfishness and wanting the best of both worlds (and none of the responsibilities). You would indeed do well to keep setting your boundaries. Things are indeed no longer the same and actions do have consequences.

[Sovalis]

Mistr and DR have it exactly right. Keep defining those boundaries, RES! I am so proud of you!