cn3wton, Battle log of Ages

[deftona]

The best advice I can give you is to try and take her at face value. If she didn't want to talk to you, she probably just... wouldn't. She is texting back and communicating with you, and it may even be something of a test to see how you are with her boundaries. Not saying that definitely is it, but it's something to consider. 

 

It's lovely to see you this excited though, so try to enjoy it rather than worrying about everything! It's an exciting and happy time, don't over politicise it and take away from the joy. 

[The Most Loathed]

That all sounds totally normal. Stress then we stress about stressing and thus goes the spiral. I don't think any of can never stress but if we can interrupt the cycle by acknowledging it, as you have, that's probably all we can hope for.

[Scaly Freak]

8 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

If the relationship continues, this may be just a fact you have to deal with.

 

Incorrect. 

 

Her job will not change, nor will its requirements and demands change, just because she has started dating someone.  In other words, if the relationship continues, the job is going to be a limiting factor when it comes to time and the ability to respond to messages quickly. Discovering that early is a good thing.

[Elastigirl]

58 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Incorrect. 

 

Her job will not change, nor will its requirements and demands change, just because she has started dating someone.  In other words, if the relationship continues, the job is going to be a limiting factor when it comes to time and the ability to respond to messages quickly. Discovering that early is a good thing.

That's the point I was trying to make.  

[TimovieMan]

Also, not seeing or hearing each other constantly will make you look forward to seeing each other more, and will also ensure you'll have more to talk about when you do see/hear one another... 😇

[cn3wton]

21 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I think it is a very normal reaction when you really like this girl, and you are just at the start of the relationship, to be worried. That said,  keep reminding yourself of the reality that she said she was busy during the week, and not that great at quick responses. If the relationship continues, this may be just a fact you have to deal with. Hugs, it's hard when  emotions are so string, sometimes you  just have to ride it out, while trying to keep your feet grounded in truth.

 

Thank you so much! I keep telling myself to be patient and fight every instinct I have and not letting myself get into these cyclical thoughts that aren't helping anyone. I appreciate your words!

[cn3wton]

19 hours ago, deftona said:

The best advice I can give you is to try and take her at face value. If she didn't want to talk to you, she probably just... wouldn't. She is texting back and communicating with you, and it may even be something of a test to see how you are with her boundaries. Not saying that definitely is it, but it's something to consider. 

 

It's lovely to see you this excited though, so try to enjoy it rather than worrying about everything! It's an exciting and happy time, don't over politicise it and take away from the joy. 

 

This is what I keep telling myself. She hinted quite a few times that she is a bit introverted. How sometimes she "takes people in small doses". Which is crazy to me because she will also go out to live music on her own along with tons of other things. That is what I am focusing on. As others have stated its still super early we barely know each other truly. And she has a life to lead. The quick responses following our date were out of character for her but also on a weekend. So I should not expect that to be the norm. Thank you so much for your advice!

 

18 hours ago, The Most Loathed said:

That all sounds totally normal. Stress then we stress about stressing and thus goes the spiral. I don't think any of can never stress but if we can interrupt the cycle by acknowledging it, as you have, that's probably all we can hope for.

 

Thanks it is definitely helping a bit!

 

12 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Incorrect. 

 

Her job will not change, nor will its requirements and demands change, just because she has started dating someone.  In other words, if the relationship continues, the job is going to be a limiting factor when it comes to time and the ability to respond to messages quickly. Discovering that early is a good thing.

 

11 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

That's the point I was trying to make.  

 

That is how I took it! Think some wires just got crossed. I 100% agree especially since we are just getting to know one another there's a lot I don't know. I should be excited about that not nervous. As far as her job, my many jobs, and living roughly 60 minutes apart there are going to be things that impact everything that will just have to be dealt with. But it is absolutely better to know that now than later. And honestly I want someone who is self sufficient and driven, and this is what that looks like.

 

I think the biggest thing I get stuck in my head is blanket generalities. When I have talked with women before that are interested the messages are almost constant. Of course that was years ago and a completely different situation. But I just keep equating that to her general level of interest, which is surely not healthy.

 

8 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

Also, not seeing or hearing each other constantly will make you look forward to seeing each other more, and will also ensure you'll have more to talk about when you do see/hear one another... 😇

 

That's a great perspective and outlook! Thank you for that.

[Shello]

I'm not sure I'm really adding anything here that someone hasn't said but I totally get what you are saying.  Brain Weasels are a thing.   I think there are really  two aspects - the things you can control and the things you can't.  You can't control her communication type or her lifestyle or her.  She's going to be what she's going to be.  For a relationship to work you have to be compatible on all sorts of levels.  You need to know what works for you and if her communication style doesn't give you what you need it's possible you are less compatible.  I'm not saying that's the case.  I'm sure it's too soon to tell.  Which brings us to the things you can control.  You can't really control the brain weasels and all the anxiety you are feeling but you can control how you respond to it.  Acknowledge it, observe it, honor it ,  but then remind yourself that you know she's busy and her communication style.  

[RES]

18 hours ago, cn3wton said:

she will also go out to live music on her own along with tons of other things.

I totally get this...to me it's not peopling because I don't have to deal with someone else, I can go and enjoy and leave when I'm ready. 

[cn3wton]

19 hours ago, Shello said:

I'm not sure I'm really adding anything here that someone hasn't said but I totally get what you are saying.  Brain Weasels are a thing.   I think there are really  two aspects - the things you can control and the things you can't.  You can't control her communication type or her lifestyle or her.  She's going to be what she's going to be.  For a relationship to work you have to be compatible on all sorts of levels.  You need to know what works for you and if her communication style doesn't give you what you need it's possible you are less compatible.  I'm not saying that's the case.  I'm sure it's too soon to tell.  Which brings us to the things you can control.  You can't really control the brain weasels and all the anxiety you are feeling but you can control how you respond to it.  Acknowledge it, observe it, honor it ,  but then remind yourself that you know she's busy and her communication style.  

 

Thank you for your words Shello! It is indeed early, and a lot of it is just fear of the unknown. Also a desire to change that. I want to know more about her so badly.

 

5 hours ago, RES said:

I totally get this...to me it's not peopling because I don't have to deal with someone else, I can go and enjoy and leave when I'm ready. 

 

Thanks for this! I never have a problem meeting people and being sociable. Well most of the times. haha. I have no problem eating alone at restaraunts and stuff. But never gone to an event like that alone haha.

[cn3wton]

RANTS

 

I organized a jam session for a friend this past Sunday, and enjoyed singing. They even offered me a guitar and to show me a simple way to join in. I said no because I was still living in the clouds after the date, but I am seriously saving for a keyboard now to get that going. I always wanted to learn to play. 

 This show and tom Ellis sparked my desire to learn again about 2 years ago, and I started lessons but ended up not following through with no way to practice at home.

 

DATING GAH

Its now been 3 days with no contact. This is not abnormal still. She texted me after 2 weeks at the longest. So I am doing everything I can to stay cool. But I have a plan. If I haven't heard anything by Saturday, I will find some event or place to go Sunday and say "hey I was thinking about going here Sunday, would you like to join me?" It at the very least will hopefully prompt a response. I think I have nailed down the worst part for me. I enjoyed talking with her, learning about her. And the NOT KNOWING is what is killing me. If I knew her and knew this was common it would be something that I would not mind in the slightest. The only way to fix the problem is to, well, talk to her. So its a bit of a cyclical cluster fuck.

 

I also saw some sound advice online for people that don't communicate much by text, or not very well. To focus on the texting especially early on being setting up dates, use the time in person to get to know them. So I am hoping this works.

 

I am so swamped with everything I haven't been able to check in with everyone. But the outpouring of support here has been incredible. I hope that things remain as they are.

[Scaly Freak]

6 hours ago, cn3wton said:

I think I have nailed down the worst part for me. I enjoyed talking with her, learning about her. And the NOT KNOWING is what is killing me. If I knew her and knew this was common it would be something that I would not mind in the slightest. The only way to fix the problem is to, well, talk to her. So its a bit of a cyclical cluster fuck.

 

The fact you've identified this as the problem is really great. And I would recommend talking about it at some point. Getting to know what the other person needs from us, even if it's "only" a quick text message saying that today sucked and I'm going to bed early and we'll talk tomorrow, is an important part of building the relationship together.  

[ReturnOfTheDad]

8 hours ago, cn3wton said:

But I have a plan. If I haven't heard anything by Saturday, I will find some event or place to go Sunday and say "hey I was thinking about going here Sunday, would you like to join me?" It at the very least will hopefully prompt a response.

Smart plan!👍🏼

[cn3wton]

16 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

The fact you've identified this as the problem is really great. And I would recommend talking about it at some point. Getting to know what the other person needs from us, even if it's "only" a quick text message saying that today sucked and I'm going to bed early and we'll talk tomorrow, is an important part of building the relationship together.  

 

Thank you, that is certainly something I will keep in mind and address if I get the opportunity.

 

15 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Smart plan!👍🏼

 

Thank you, I am hpoing it is too!

[cn3wton]

Yesterday was miserable, I was miserable. Getting of my meds was stupid. At least now I know.

 

Work was work. Minor annoyances, nothing major. Except I was late because 20 minutes from home my car started to wobble a bit and make a noise in the front right. This was a wheel bearing or something last time (im not a car guy). And I drove on it and it ended up making it cost double. So I turned around and had to borrow a car. Oh and I slept maybe 4 hours.

 

Get to work, already been harassed by stupid texts and questions all morning. Deal with it. Get settled, deal with things. Not a horrible day. Could have been worse. Don't take lunch, just keep working so I can get out and go home. Get caught talking to my boss staying later than I wanted. Hear that my best friends moms surgery did not go well. More cancer found, already very bad, this makes it much much worse. 

 

Headed to the gym, finished up a few projects I'd been working on. Took maybe 30 minutes. But I have to go soon and am annoyed and overwhelmed. I am not checking every single notification on my phone hoping its the girl from Sunday. Tell myself to stop, turn phone on completely silent. Start heading home. Car is already ready, nothing major. Slow leak in tire was a screw and nail. Something had come loosse in front right. Oil change done to. $140. I will take it, happy about that. See if one of my parents can ride with me. Get home, Lose track of time, don't eat. Pick up my dad late, theres a chance we won't make it in time.

 

He asks about the girl from sunday. Why the hell did I tell my parents about her? Probably guilt about not talking to them about it. Who knows. Get pissed off that he reminded me I haven't heard from her. Cut that conversation short and am annoyed. He mentions the water reserve tank he bought off of facebook. I ask questions about its capacity as it seems smaller and I'm worried about it feeding my house and the apartment. Probably was a bit curt. He gets pissed, swears about how he cant do anything right. I turn up music and we continue ride in silence. Hes justified, I've been short with my parents and not great since off my medication. But I am also in a state mentally where I just don't care. Im not mad at him or anything. Just not worth dealing with. Feel like shit for not talking to him about it.

 

Shop was closed, but I know the guy and he usually hangs out with this buddies in the back for a few hours after shutting down. Sure enough hes there. One of his friends, now retired, worked with me at an old job and says hi. I put on the act of being  happy to see him, joking about being retired etc. It's not that I don't like the guy, its more that right now genuine emotion is taken over by my habit of acting how I think I should. Get my keys. Grab my stuff from my car. Say thanks to my dad then rip out of the parking lot as im already late for work.

 

Get to work, customers in shop. My business partner is talking with him, good I don't want to talk to anyone right now. Oh he has a question? GREAT. Have to try to get him some information. Put on the face again. Smile and make any excuse to go to the back and work on things I need to work on. He leaves, business partner asks if I'm okay. He knows about all the stuff I deal with, so its a quick convo and honestly just knowing he understands calms me down a bit. I get to work. Make progress, customer approves of the two samples. Now I can just get it done. Lose steam with 30 mins left, get distracted, propose heading home somewhat early.

 

Get home, don't do any of my routines. Let dog out, feed him and the cat. Ignore the dog, know I should feel bad and do feel a bit bad. Play with him and the cat a bit. Mood improves a bit. Still no desire to do anything productive. Get ready for bed by just getting in bed. Do stupid shit on my computer and phone. Try to sleep, can't. Oh looks its past 4am. I would usually be waking up now after being sleeping for 12 hours. No new messages. Messaging long distance girls in an attempt to feel better. Delete contact info of the one asking me for money. Get angry. Finally pass out, wake up to my alarm after 90 minutes. Set a timer for 2 hours and go back to sleep. Sleep, wake up somewhat more rested but max 3 hours of sleep. Feed animals, let dog out. Grab pills. Stop at gas station. Cute girl that hits on me behind counter. Decide to make better choice for breakfast and grab 2 protein shakes than just skipping it or getting an energy drink and a junk thing to fill my stomach with the pills. Shes distracted kind but not flirty, I am a mess as I barely did anything to get ready. Overthink things. Finish pumping gas. Drive. Stomach upset from pills, stop at dunkin for a donut to get something in my stomach. Get a tea and a hot chocolate with espresso to get caffienne. 

 

Get to work, employee chops top of their finger off with a machine this morning. First thought is "how long till we can operate that machine again". Feel like an asshole that was my first thought. Talk to boss, cover projects and all the shit we have in front of us. Get frustrated that I'm not making more money. Wondering what I can do to change that here or if my only other option is searching for other jobs. For the first time in forever dread going to the gym despite having the clothes Ineed to do it. Consider skipping, or just stop in to work. manage to beat that feeling back for now. Will see where we are at when I leave work.

 

Going to a play saturday, invited by best friends mom (who is a director at the theater). Have no desire to go. But will for my friend. Doubt she will be there. Trying to figure out when to work at the gym on 2 big projects, but don't want to fill up my schedule if theres a last minute date. Check phone. Nope just more spam emails. Sit down and start this rant.

 

Thats today. I don't know why I typed like this or why. Not sure if it helped or not, but I just wanted to get it all out.

[Scaly Freak]

8 hours ago, cn3wton said:

Thats today. I don't know why I typed like this or why. Not sure if it helped or not, but I just wanted to get it all out.

 

Sometimes it takes hours to find out if something helps or not. I hope you discovered it helped for you.  

[cn3wton]

On 1/19/2024 at 8:34 PM, Scaly Freak said:

 

Sometimes it takes hours to find out if something helps or not. I hope you discovered it helped for you.  

 

I think it did thanks!

[cn3wton]

Weekend Rant?

 

Friday went about as good as to be expected. The bright spot was hearing from the girl I met on a date on Sunday. Instantly lit up when I saw it, but was driving. Instead of sending a quick voice text I wanted to take my time and actually think about the message. With the infrequency of texts between us I know that is important. We talk back and forth for a very short time once I get to my shop. She's sick, has been pretty much all week. Urgent care wont help her in any way. So not really feeling up to do anything over the weekend. I get that, rest is important and certainly don't want to try to force to see her when she's sick. A part of me wishes she would text me more as she just relaxes. But I know that's not her. I check in with her on Saturday to see if she's feeling any better. I didn't expect a response and didn't leave any open ended questions, so was not surprised when I didn't get one. Was running over the idea in my head of texting her again today. Hoping she's feeling better. The games and what you should and shouldn't do frustrate me. I think I've decided to message her. If me actually being worried about her and checking in on her with a simple text is a problem then its probably not worth it anyway.

 

My newly built habit routines have been pushed aside by old bad habits. Forcing on fixing those has been a challenge. But its not insurmountable. And I know the root cause of it all was lagging behind on my medications. On top of that I know that the better diet was having tremendous benefits for my health. So I will get back to that pronto. 

 

It's a bit surreal the difference I now notice in myself when my mental health isn't where it should be. The change at the start was so gradual as we figured things out. On one side I am grateful for it as I can work to improve it. On the other I guess it always kind of sucks to deal with it.

 

I think thats it for now?

[Shello]

It's always helpful when you are able to recognize your thought patterns.  it's still very hard to react differently but at least recognizing what's going on gives you a chance to see things more clearly.  

[cn3wton]

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

 

This quote is usually said to be from Robin Williams. Not sure if this is true as not as the internet has no evidence either way or another from a cursory search. But either way the message is a powerful one. I'm sure everyone has seen it at some point.

 

Personally I can relate, but in a strange way. For the majority of my life I have felt as though I crafted this image of the person I thought I should be. And that is how I portrayed myself. I realize now that the only source of "joy" I've ever really had is going above and beyond for others. I've rarely, if ever, done that for myself until recently. 

 

I am still reeling a bit from dropping off the medication. I can see a lot of the old still nagging at me. But I can see it beginning to turn. I was on 3 medications until recently, but had to drop one due to a side effect I won't go into here. But the 2 seemed to work just fine until I missed too many days in a row. Now I worry that I need the 3rd medication. We will see once I get a few weeks of consistency with what I have under my belt.

 

Officially speaking I am diagnosed with Depression, ADHD, and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The last part was a huge realization for me. But its basically the idea that if I can do something 100% to completion or perfection in a single sitting I just won't do it. 

 

As far as depression goes its pretty typical stuff. I would argue its a side effect of the other two diagnosis, but I'm no doctor. What I've never talked to anyone about is this feeling of living my life as if I am an actor playing a role. I think something that scares me is that now that I am dealing with the problems and actually letting myself be, that I might not like the person I actually am...

 

Who knows... 

[cn3wton]

No wonder I like this show, and this character so much.

 

 

[Scaly Freak]

The show Lucifer is genius. And it has the most frightening illustration of what Hell is, that I've ever seen in any kind of modern media... (Also some of the best portrayals of forgiveness and unconditional love, so it balances out.)

[RES]

Might have to check it out, what is it playing on?

[Scaly Freak]

16 minutes ago, RES said:

Might have to check it out, what is it playing on?

 

In the US, Lucifer is on Netflix.

[RES]

12 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

In the US, Lucifer is on Netflix.

Perfect  Thank you!!