[RES]

My main goal is weight loss, for health reasons as well as I want to look good (to me) naked. I’ve learned this doesn't get easier when you get older. I don’t want this to be a focus for the rest of my life, I want to build some habits/routines so it becomes second nature and I don’t have to think about it. I also want to be around to watch my grandkids grow up and be able to do things with them, as well as continue to do things I enjoy well into the future!

Last challenge actually went better than the prior one. Sleep stayed the same but workouts and drinking improved, I also added weight training three days a week and for the most part kept on track with that. Weight loss is happening now though probably not for these reasons.
Scheduling items are still going well. 

More talks with D have happened and have been very productive and my therapist is pleased with that development, as am I. No that was not on the schedule but it happened and I’m glad it did. Details may or may not come later, it’s a lot. That sentence didn't age well, I discussed what happened in my last challenge, and while I may reference it, I'm still in the process of overthinking it too much and y'all would get sick of it if I vented all that here. Much journaling is happening and shadow work is being done. I know in my heart things should be better this way it just sucks coming to acceptance of that.

All SET
( S )leep - 
( E )xercise
( T )rack - 

Side Quest - I made the decision of what to do with the candle items, I just haven't implemented it yet...I've gotten my porch clean, garage, and the rest of the house, but haven't been able to bring myself to finish this item...this month is so busy with rides, trips, and life, I may wait until colder months when less is going on (remind me when that is again?  )

I want to continue doing things by myself, my default is to plan then change my mind, I'm doing  good at moving past this but it's a conscious effort. We'll see how some of the upcoming plans go that I've stated I will be doing with or without my 'companion'.

 

Welcome to the insanity! 
 

[DarK_RaideR]

4 minutes ago, RES said:

Welcome to the insanity! 

Like we ever left!

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, RES said:

y'all would get sick of it if I vented all that here.

I personally would not, and from previous experience I can 100% claim that the insight I got from venting in the forums (when and as much as I felt safe to do so) showed me that sharing my struggle-points was helpful to others as much as to me, and it helped me feel connected during a very isolating time. Don't sell us short.  And of course, you don't have to perform your emotions for us, either. We love you and support you, and are here to help with a little distanced reflection whenever and however makes sense.

 

2 hours ago, RES said:

Welcome to the insanity! 

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Like we ever left!

It's a big, crazy tent, and I love it.  

[Sovalis]

Here of course! ?

[Artemis Prime]

3 hours ago, RES said:

I'm still in the process of overthinking it too much and y'all would get sick of it if I vented all that here.

Just want to echo Heidi and reiterate that you are more than welcome to vent as much as you want here. If you need some space away from it and to keep it out of your challenge thread, that's also certainly fine and you are under no obligation to post anything here, but if you're wanting to, that's kind of why we're here - offering support in whatever form is needed, whether that's a listening ear or a goofy distraction.

[Snarkyfishguts]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

I personally would not, and from previous experience I can 100% claim that the insight I got from venting in the forums (when and as much as I felt safe to do so) showed me that sharing my struggle-points was helpful to others as much as to me, and it helped me feel connected during a very isolating time. Don't sell us short.  And of course, you don't have to perform your emotions for us, either. We love you and support you, and are here to help with a little distanced reflection whenever and however makes sense.

I'm here to second this. If you need to be quiet or vent, you have my full support. Your venting is not a drain on my resources  

[Mistr]

I agree with the others, feel free to vent as you wish. If someone is actually bored, they can skip over that part.

[DarK_RaideR]

8 hours ago, Mistr said:

I agree with the others, feel free to vent as you wish. If someone is actually bored, they can skip over that part.

Exactly this. Plus if it makes you feel any better, you can put the venting stuff under a spoiler.

[fleaball]

[Heidi]

Hi, how are you doing?

 

I don't mean to pry, but I do have some questions.

Feel free to tell me to go jump in a lake, that you don't feel like answering these things just now, or whatever.

 

Whose name is the house in?

Is it owned or a rental?

 

I assume from your "she's living in the guest room" comment that you guys are still living together. This sounds very emotionally difficult for you, and I don't want to overlook the heavy lift that this is. It's extrememly easy to dismiss everything but I do think it's important to have space to feel your feels whenever and however you have them, without also having to deal with the current immediacy of D's life -- whether that be people she is having over or groceries in the fridge. Disentangling is emoitional labor. 

 

Is there a way for you to spend a season at a cabin or whathaveyou? Our nearby Blue Ridge / State parks have cabins that can be rented by the week, or even by the month, and aren't nosebleed expensive.  I would really love for you to have time to yourself to explore what "being single" is gonig to mean for you. I would think a month (or even a whole challenge) of spending time in a cabin would do wonders for your soul, but maybe at least a week away? This is a loss as well as a change, and no matter what, you deserve to grieve and be supported in that grief. I am especially committed to the idea that you should never have to explain your grief, not to anyone, and especially not to D, who brought this grief to you. Never mind the history or the why; I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about the real grief of right now and the reorienting your future self in a new state-of-being. 

 

You are loved, just as you are.

You are enough, just as you are.

The Universe loves you and wants you to be happy.

Please be gentle with yourself during this tender time.

❤️

[RES]

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

Hi, how are you doing?

I've had worse days, but it's been a while...mostly alternating between being mad at myself for believing again, then her for telling me all these things when she didn't mean them, then being okay because it really is for the best and all the things that worked about us are still intact.

 

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

I don't mean to pry, but I do have some questions.

Feel free to tell me to go jump in a lake, that you don't feel like answering these things just now, or whatever.

You are perfectly fine dear, no lake jumping needed.

 

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

Whose name is the house in?

Is it owned or a rental?

Both, and owned

 

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

I assume from your "she's living in the guest room" comment that you guys are still living together. This sounds very emotionally difficult for you, and I don't want to overlook the heavy lift that this is. It's extrememly easy to dismiss everything but I do think it's important to have space to feel your feels whenever and however you have them, without also having to deal with the current immediacy of D's life -- whether that be people she is having over or groceries in the fridge. Disentangling is emoitional labor. 

Yes, we are still living together, it is a bit difficult but it's getting better day by day. Some personal stuff under the cut

Spoiler

We have both agreed that this is our safe space, even if one of us were to start dating or going out, which she said she's not ready for right now, and I know I'm not, no one comes back to our house. This may change and evolve over the years but then again, maybe not. I can't imagine putting myself out there like this again and knowing her, it's all about the chase, she's not sexual.

We still share food/groceries and whatnot. There is really no way to fully disentangle with everything we've built over the years and make it fair, which is one reason we're staying together, and we do enjoy the company and companionship the other provides.

NGL I'm in a tough space but reminding myself that her actions over the last 13 years have not been fair to me and my needs. There is a quote I saw years ago that resonated with me that sums it up perfectly.

"In a sexless relationship between a sexual and an asexual, only the asexual is having all their intimacy needs met."

 

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

Is there a way for you to spend a season at a cabin or whathaveyou? Our nearby Blue Ridge / State parks have cabins that can be rented by the week, or even by the month, and aren't nosebleed expensive.  I would really love for you to have time to yourself to explore what "being single" is gonig to mean for you. I would think a month (or even a whole challenge) of spending time in a cabin would do wonders for your soul, but maybe at least a week away? This is a loss as well as a change, and no matter what, you deserve to grieve and be supported in that grief. I am especially committed to the idea that you should never have to explain your grief, not to anyone, and especially not to D, who brought this grief to you. Never mind the history or the why; I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about the real grief of right now and the reorienting your future self in a new state-of-being. 

I would love this, but financially it's not possible for me to do right now...I do have friends that remind me I'm welcome to stay with them any time I want/need to, and I may take them up on that when life calms down a bit. I'm taking space to grieve and journal about it, I write all the things I want to say to her about everything she has put me through over the years and why the hell didn't she leave me where I was if that was how she felt...some I've said to her, most I won't, but getting it out helps.

 

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

You are loved, just as you are.

You are enough, just as you are.

The Universe loves you and wants you to be happy.

Please be gentle with yourself during this tender time.

❤️

I love you my friend, and I will, haven't had much practice with that though ❤️ 

 

[RES]

Thursday night was another night of conversations, we expressed a lot of what we were going through and feeling and what brought us to this point, what probably should have happened in the past, and what we hope the future will look like. It was good and necessary, and probably should have happened years ago TBH but it didn't, so we move forward...She also let me know she will be out of town next weekend and is taking the dog with her, which coincides with my boss coming to visit, not sure if that's a coincidence or not. Trying not to let my mind work overtime and read too much into these sudden plans, and remind myself that it doesn't make a difference anyway, but that's tough, especially when she's not sharing any details regarding it.

Goals were 'meh' my brother in law was here last weekend and left Monday, she was also off on Monday so no workout ? I've now taken two weeks off from strength training, feeling some kinda way about that, I was feeling like it was a bit much and probably need to adjust the frequency. 

 

All SET - Week 0
( S )leep - ??⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️⛈️
( E )xercise - ⛈️⛈️?????
( T )rack - ???????

 

We're planning on going for a ride tomorrow, weather promises to be beautiful  

[RES]

On 9/7/2024 at 10:06 AM, RES said:

We're planning on going for a ride tomorrow, weather promises to be beautiful  

Both of us are not feeling up to this so it's postponed. I'm catching up on client books and other needed items instead.

I slept in, 9:30 is when i got up and I don't remember the last time that happened...was very needed.

[Snarkyfishguts]

6 hours ago, RES said:

Both of us are not feeling up to this so it's postponed. I'm catching up on client books and other needed items instead.

I slept in, 9:30 is when i got up and I don't remember the last time that happened...was very needed.

Ohhhhhhhhh sleep is so worth it, right? That sounds very good!

[RES]

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Ohhhhhhhhh sleep is so worth it, right? That sounds very good!

it was truly amazing  

[DarK_RaideR]

20 hours ago, RES said:

Both of us are not feeling up to this so it's postponed. I'm catching up on client books and other needed items instead.

I slept in, 9:30 is when i got up and I don't remember the last time that happened...was very needed.

Wise to stick with what your body and mind needed. Besides, it would have been dangerous to drive in a sleep deprived state.

[RES]

On 9/9/2024 at 9:40 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Wise to stick with what your body and mind needed. Besides, it would have been dangerous to drive in a sleep deprived state.

It's never a good idea to drive in that state, was a very relaxing day.

 

Spoiler

The day after, was not.

after being told she was going out of town the next (this coming up) weekend, I got very suspicious, a lot of things she was saying were not adding up, not to mention the timeline for her being out of town for a week wasn't matching...so I did something I'm not proud of.

She's been cheating, a person i got into it with four years ago over a post on FB works with her, that's the person who's station she's been going to for months when she drives (in SC), the person who's name I'm hearing all too often...the person she's been seeing. Now it all makes sense why she was in such a rush to split up, why she mentioned NRE and ending our relationship, why she sleeps in the guest room and removed her wedding ring. Since the last item happened on Saturday before she went to "work" I am doubting she was even working. I saw photos of the two of them (not bragging, I'm a hell of a lot better looking) a screen shot of a convo with her brother that said not to mention where he saw her on google maps because she doesn't share locations with me anymore, and a 'package' being sent to the women's house due to arrive this week before her trip. (I'll let you use your imagination on that one. Note the quotes.

 

So, I vented to my boss who was supposed to come into town this week with her ex, she found out some stuff about him that makes her not want to travel with him so she canceled all those tickets and booked ones to Cancun, for us and her kids  Fri - Wed I will be obtaining my first passport stamp.

I rescheduled therapy for Thursday because it is REALLY needed, got my updated booster, and am doing my best not to scream and cry and cuss and all the things i want to do...I haven't said anything about knowing this to her because I would have to give details about how I found out, so I've been acting the part of the nice companion that is working on getting over all the occurrences of the last 2...or is it 3? weeks...

With as many times as she's had this done to her, I would have thought this would never happen. I can't believe I fell for this shit again, and yes I can't help but wonder wtf is wrong with me that it keeps happening repeatedly.

 

 

[Artemis Prime]

1 hour ago, RES said:

I can't help but wonder wtf is wrong with me that it keeps happening repeatedly.

It's very natural to feel that way, and that's okay, but I will be here relentlessly reminding you that there is nothing wrong with you.

[RES]

55 minutes ago, Artemis Prime said:

It's very natural to feel that way, and that's okay, but I will be here relentlessly reminding you that there is nothing wrong with you.

Thank you ❤️ that does make a difference. ?

[Sovalis]

I'm with AP. Sending you love, RES. 

[TimovieMan]

I'm with AP here. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Her actions don't reflect who you are. Don't let her choices make you question your worth...

[RES]

9 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I'm with AP. Sending you love, RES. 

 

2 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

I'm with AP here. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Her actions don't reflect who you are. Don't let her choices make you question your worth...

 

Thank you, in my heart I know it's not really my fault, but damn if my picker isn't broken because I repeatedly choose ones that do this...this one is some kind of record though with it being 13 years, well, 12 actually if I take into account last years actions, before it happened.

Giving up and accepting that life is not what you (and we) planned on it being really sucks ? thank you all for being here ❤️ ?

[Mistr]

 

It sucks that you have to deal with all this, but you are doing well under trying circumstances.

 

  Hide contents

So, I vented to my boss who was supposed to come into town this week with her ex, she found out some stuff about him that makes her not want to travel with him so she canceled all those tickets and booked ones to Cancun, for us and her kids  Fri - Wed I will be obtaining my first passport stamp.

I rescheduled therapy for Thursday because it is REALLY needed, got my updated booster, and am doing my best not to scream and cry and cuss and all the things i want to do...I haven't said anything about knowing this to her because I would have to give details about how I found out, so I've been acting the part of the nice companion that is working on getting over all the occurrences of the last 2...or is it 3? weeks...

With as many times as she's had this done to her, I would have thought this would never happen. I can't believe I fell for this shit again, and yes I can't help but wonder wtf is wrong with me that it keeps happening repeatedly.

 

Spoiler

You are falling for this stuff because you have principles and expect other people to have them too. Dumbledore has gotten in trouble repeatedly for the same reason. Wanting to believe the best of people is generally a positive trait. It makes it hard when the person who is lying is also being charming and engaging to you. Of course you want to believe that is real.

 

The hard part is seeing signs that things may not be quite what you are hoping for and checking facts before you get too far into a situation. That is something you might want to talk about with your therapist. 

 

Yay for going to Cancun! You deserve to go do something fun. 

 

[RES]

18 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

  Hide contents

You are falling for this stuff because you have principles and expect other people to have them too. Dumbledore has gotten in trouble repeatedly for the same reason. Wanting to believe the best of people is generally a positive trait. It makes it hard when the person who is lying is also being charming and engaging to you. Of course you want to believe that is real.

 

The hard part is seeing signs that things may not be quite what you are hoping for and checking facts before you get too far into a situation. That is something you might want to talk about with your therapist. 

 

Yay for going to Cancun! You deserve to go do something fun. 

 

You are so right, I just feel in looking back I've had my head buried in the sand for so long ? I saw it, but didn't really acknowledge it or realize what an issue it had the potential to become.

[Heidi]

On 9/10/2024 at 6:44 PM, RES said:

(not bragging, I'm a hell of a lot better looking)

Hell YES you are.

On 9/10/2024 at 6:44 PM, RES said:

booked ones to Cancun, for us and her kids  Fri - Wed I will be obtaining my first passport stamp.

I love this for you.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

On 9/10/2024 at 6:44 PM, RES said:

I can't help but wonder wtf is wrong with me

nothing is wrong with you OTHER THAN your continuing willingness to set aside red flags and trust that people are as good as their press releases. This is not a defect, mostly, but I too went through too many cycles of this BS. May therapy help reveal your blinders. For me, it was all about having a sense of solidarity and parntership--I wanted to create something together--so much so that I kept on thinking i had a partner when I evidence for that was lacking. I fall for the false futures promised by narcissists, and I'm not proud of it.

 

On 9/10/2024 at 7:53 PM, Artemis Prime said:

It's very natural to feel that way, and that's okay, but I will be here relentlessly reminding you that there is nothing wrong with you.

CORRECT.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Also, there is nothing wrong right now that a trip to Cancun won't fix.  

 

4 hours ago, RES said:

You are so right, I just feel in looking back I've had my head buried in the sand for so long ? I saw it, but didn't really acknowledge it or realize what an issue it had the potential to become.

I definitely agree with Mistr. 

 

I hope you are having a beautiful day, and looking forward to the coming trip.

The reason I asked about the living arrangements is exactly because of the "pretending to be pleasant" when you aren't feeling it and want to light everything on fire just to watch the sparks, which is all a very healthy part of grief and adjustment. I believe you both deserve separate spaces for separate lives, but that's just my two cents.

 

I believe in you.

You are enough, just as you are.

Be gentle with yourself as you move through this week.

❤️