[Heidi]

7 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

looking into this situation from the outside, Dave's behavior is advertising to observing outsiders that his guest is more important to him than his wife is, and that should never be the case. The two of you are a team, and one of the most fundamental aspects of being team mates is that everyone does their part.

I agree with this, and also am picking up on the vibes of not wanting to add to your own tension by rocking the boat.

Do you feel it would be heard (and do you have the spoons) to straight out ask Dave what he is willing to do to help? Can you tell him, along with your grievances, that you are in need of assistance from him, since this is his friend and you don't want to be the one to make changes or waves? I always feels extremely awkward when two of my spheres collide, and this is what is happening here. I agree that it seems Right and Just that Dave (the common element to both spheres) should own and manage the friction that this is creating. I also hear that you might not have the spoons to ask, and that needing to have More Words is its own wound. I am so sorry, friend. I hope the Way opens on this and that Dave can fill the need in that Dave-way that he has done in the past.

 

8 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

your priority needs to be to do whatever it takes to care for your own mental health until this visit is over.

100% agree with Scaly Freak, per the usual.

LIBRARIES!

YOUR COFFEE SHOP.

A HOTEL (yes, I know you are strapped for funds, but this is a whole thing and if you don't get some restfulness as well as quality sleep soon, the fragile peace could crumble from the weight of it all).

Alternatively: Are there nearby-friends you've been meaning to visit who would be amenable to an overnight?

[Snarkyfishguts]

24 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

I your house guest and your partner are not going to lift a finger to make this experience easier for you, then your priority needs to be to do whatever it takes to care for your own mental health until this visit is over. If "whatever it takes" means they never get to see you during the day, or they eat nothing but rice and beans for the next three weeks, than that's a problem for them to solve, not for you. You are doing your best to take care of yourself, because someone needs to and it doesn't sound like they're even realizing it's needed.

Yes to all of this. Your well-being is more valuable than their convenience

 

10 minutes ago, Heidi said:

100% agree with Scaly Freak, per the usual.

LIBRARIES!

YOUR COFFEE SHOP.

A HOTEL (yes, I know you are strapped for funds, but this is a whole thing and if you don't get some restfulness as well as quality sleep soon, the fragile peace could crumble from the weight of it all).

Alternatively: Are there nearby-friends you've been meaning to visit who would be amenable to an overnight?

Also great ideas!

[Sea-to-sky]

16 minutes ago, Heidi said:

100% agree with Scaly Freak, per the usual.

LIBRARIES!

YOUR COFFEE SHOP.

A HOTEL (yes, I know you are strapped for funds, but this is a whole thing and if you don't get some restfulness as well as quality sleep soon, the fragile peace could crumble from the weight of it all).

Alternatively: Are there nearby-friends you've been meaning to visit who would be amenable to an overnight

Id like to add to this list by suggesting taking a picknick and just buggering off to a park or other green space like a beach if weather is decent. This is one of my destress tactics that works well for me when we have house guests and i need space. highly recommended.

 

museums/galleries are also good especially if they are free. 
 

 

[Artemis Prime]

2 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

But the complete lack of effort too meet you halfway is not okay when something bothers you this much, and I completely understand that you're feeling alone. Feeling like you're not being supported in your own home is difficult and can become painful over time. If I may suggest... add this to the list of things to talk about when the visit is over, when you discuss ground rules for visitors. Because looking into this situation from the outside, Dave's behavior is advertising to observing outsiders that his guest is more important to him than his wife is, and that should never be the case. The two of you are a team, and one of the most fundamental aspects of being team mates is that everyone does their part.

 

Edit to clarify:

I'm trying to strike a balance between supporting you and validating your feelings, while also trying to avoid attacking or vilifying Dave. If I missed, please let me know so I can adjust for future posts.

 

Very well said. And I'd agree that this isn't about attacking Dave, but that it can easily become that if this is left to fester. Brene Brown has some great quotes on accountability, including this one: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” Dave's behavior, from this outsider's perspective anyways, needs a little shaping up. And I think it's important to address that openly and sooner rather than later, before resentment breeds and accountability becomes blame.

[Sovalis]

Hi Friends,

 

Thank you so much for all of your support. I don’t really have the energy to go through and reply to comments individually right now, but I have read them all and feel profoundly seen and loved. I ended up having a short, private conversation with Dave today to let him know that I wasn’t feeling supported by him and he acknowledged how I’ve been feeling and the exhaustion I am dealing with. He’s going to sleep on the couch tonight so I can get a good sleep in our bed and hopefully some more solid sleep will help me not feel so frayed. I told him that I was in particular struggling with the way he’s listening to me and then not saying anything (this is an Army thing that he is particularly bad for; I have to remind him I am a civilian and not a subordinate sometimes 😅) and he said he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say because I am right and he’s hearing me. I told him that telling me I am right would go a long way toward making me feel acknowledged and respected right now which seemed to surprise him. I am kind of agog that he is surprised, but it is a good reminder that we think completely differently. Whooo boy. 

 

Apparently he had a conversation with Houseguest about grocery money after I said something about it and some of that has been handed over. I didn’t ask how much, but at least the conversation was had and efforts have been made? I will take it. Dave also got paid today so a lot of pressure is off in that regard. We weren’t quite in the overdraft yet, but we were within $20 of it and that is far too close for me to be comfortable with. I also asked if they could go out somewhere today and leave me alone in the house for a while. They went out to Dave’s shop and worked on the mitre saw station for a few hours. I slept through some of it (napped in our bed, it was so nice) and then took myself to the basement to listen to music and play with my dice. I systematically took all of my sets out of their boxes and made a rainbow-ish mosaic from them. It was almost meditative. Then I picked out my most neon sets for an 80’s palette for tomorrow’s game. Some pics:

 

 

 

It is pretty much bedtime here and I am ready to put this weird day behind me. I hope that you are all snug and safe and aware of your awesomeness. Thanks again for everything. ❤️ 

[Scaly Freak]

See, this is why we need to avoid attacking/vilifying Dave.  

 

I'm glad you were able to talk privately, and that you are getting  more help and support from him. I hope you're able to get a good night's sleep in your bed, and wake up rested and refreshed tomorrow. Good sleep makes everything better. 

 

Your dice collection is amazing. I'm intensely jealous of the marbled red and orange ones with gold numbers, at the bottom of the mosaic.

[Sea-to-sky]

Glad the chat with dave was productive. 
 

it is not on that house guest wasn't chipping in for food. It is just too expensive right now for people not to be. We have also been asking guests to contribute towards food they eat, either by bringing some from home with them or grocery shopping when they are down or monetary contribution. 
you guys are sailing too close to the wind to have unexpected expenses of extra humans dumped on you. They need to chip in. they are getting a free room, i feel its the least they can do in the current economic climate.

 

your dice hoard is epic !!

 

 

 

[Artemis Prime]

7 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I told him that I was in particular struggling with the way he’s listening to me and then not saying anything (this is an Army thing that he is particularly bad for; I have to remind him I am a civilian and not a subordinate sometimes 😅) and he said he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say because I am right and he’s hearing me. I told him that telling me I am right would go a long way toward making me feel acknowledged and respected right now which seemed to surprise him. I am kind of agog that he is surprised, but it is a good reminder that we think completely differently. Whooo boy. 

If I ever do any relationship counseling, may I use this anecdote? Seriously, this is peak relationshipping here. And a good reminder that people don't know what we need if we don't communicate it clearly, even when it feels to us like it should be obvious. Good job on your end to initiate the conversation, and excellent response from Dave. You both get an A+ in Partnership 101 from me today.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Sov, I am so proud of you for healthy communication and so happy Dave was hearing you.  YAY!!!

 

edit: also your dragon hoard of dice is so pretty!!

[Salinger]

Hey Sov, im so sorry things have been so tough. Bloody hell!!
 

May i ask, why you / Dave can not ask houseguest to leave??

 

I must have missed that xx

[Harriet]

That's great progress with Dave, but I'm concerned and alarmed that you maybe possibly don't have enough dice. 

[MaeradCase]

On 4/12/2024 at 10:03 AM, Sovalis said:

Today’s card is the Ten of Air - Alfalfa, from the Herbcrafter’s Tarot. Key message is that you may have reached your limit and you need to regroup and compost your experience to set yourself up for future success and contentment. No kidding, deck. 😅

That checks out. 😅

 

On 4/12/2024 at 1:31 PM, Heidi said:

The tens can be scary, and the ten of Air/Swords especially so (especially in the traditional deck!). All tens point the way to letting go of the old as the best path to personal growth and new opportunities. There's a lovely promise of possibilites in the tens, though it is subtle and nuanced, and not without a bit of demandingness. I usually see the 10 of Swords as "the burnout card," and I definitely see this as part of the message in your Ten of Air, here. 

 

The grace that I find in this card is pretty amazing, when I sit with it: The acknowledgement of tremendous, even heoric, effort. Air and Swords relate to the mind, and in many ways I see the recent tribulations as a mindset trial, even though it's coming with plenty of physical space and emotional/spiritual elements, Yes, the food and physical space has been invaded, and your emotional equilibrium (and reuinon with Dave) has been upended. But your writings are all about how you are processing this in your headspace in real time, devising strategies and turning to your aether community, and that's a lot. You do need a rest from this

Wow! That is some amazing insight! 😲 Thanks for sharing it with us!

 

As for your latest update, Sovalis, those sound like good steps correcting the massive imbalance and I'm so happy to hear any improvements are being found no matter how small. Excellent work communicating, and a solid chance for recovery.

Love the dice spread. They are gorgeous. And the pool of neon dice is really eye catching. 🥰

[Sovalis]

On 4/13/2024 at 10:01 PM, Scaly Freak said:

See, this is why we need to avoid attacking/vilifying Dave.  

 

I'm glad you were able to talk privately, and that you are getting  more help and support from him. I hope you're able to get a good night's sleep in your bed, and wake up rested and refreshed tomorrow. Good sleep makes everything better. 

 

Your dice collection is amazing. I'm intensely jealous of the marbled red and orange ones with gold numbers, at the bottom of the mosaic.

I appreciate that no one was attacking or vilifying him. He does mean well, he just functions totally differently than I do and that makes things tough sometimes. 

Good sleep does make everything better. 

I think the ones you mean are from the Norse line at Lindorm Dice. They are very pretty in person. 

 

On 4/14/2024 at 12:40 AM, Sea-to-sky said:

Glad the chat with dave was productive. 
 

it is not on that house guest wasn't chipping in for food. It is just too expensive right now for people not to be. We have also been asking guests to contribute towards food they eat, either by bringing some from home with them or grocery shopping when they are down or monetary contribution. 
you guys are sailing too close to the wind to have unexpected expenses of extra humans dumped on you. They need to chip in. they are getting a free room, i feel its the least they can do in the current economic climate.

 

your dice hoard is epic !!

Thank you. I am relived to hear that I am not the only one asking guests to contribute. All of my old hosting instincts from my first marriage say “pay for everything” but that is just not possible right now. I feel the same about the free room=contribute in other ways, so thanks for affirming that, too. 

Thank you! I am pretty proud of it!  

 

On 4/14/2024 at 5:37 AM, Artemis Prime said:

If I ever do any relationship counseling, may I use this anecdote? Seriously, this is peak relationshipping here. And a good reminder that people don't know what we need if we don't communicate it clearly, even when it feels to us like it should be obvious. Good job on your end to initiate the conversation, and excellent response from Dave. You both get an A+ in Partnership 101 from me today.

You absolutely may. Thank you, AP. ❤️ 

 

On 4/14/2024 at 6:57 AM, Snarkyfishguts said:

Sov, I am so proud of you for healthy communication and so happy Dave was hearing you.  YAY!!!

 

edit: also your dragon hoard of dice is so pretty!!

Thanks, Snarky. ❤️ 

 

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Sov, im so sorry things have been so tough. Bloody hell!!
 

May i ask, why you / Dave can not ask houseguest to leave??

 

I must have missed that xx

Houseguest is from three provinces over, literally half a country away (and Canada is a big country, lol) and they don’t have return plane tickets until the 20th. Plus Dave sees no reason to ask them to leave, so that would be on me to make an issue of it, which I am not willing to do for a variety of reasons. 

❤️ 

 

21 hours ago, Harriet said:

That's great progress with Dave, but I'm concerned and alarmed that you maybe possibly don't have enough dice. 

There are so many other sets that I want. 😬

 

21 hours ago, MaeradCase said:

That checks out. 😅

 

Wow! That is some amazing insight! 😲 Thanks for sharing it with us!

 

As for your latest update, Sovalis, those sound like good steps correcting the massive imbalance and I'm so happy to hear any improvements are being found no matter how small. Excellent work communicating, and a solid chance for recovery.

Love the dice spread. They are gorgeous. And the pool of neon dice is really eye catching. 🥰

Right? Lol

Thanks, Maerad. ❤️ 

 

 

Hi Friends!

 

I managed to find some earplugs for last night and was able to spend the night in my own bed. I still woke up a few times when they weren’t quite enough to seal out the noise, but on the whole it was an okay sleep. Better than the couch. I ate so much wheat yesterday, so no points for that. I am feeling pretty okay in the joints today, but I don’t want to get on the scale and see the water weight. Lol

 

Dave may have to go into the city on Thursday to get his civilian passport reissued on the 24-hour program because the Army has messed something up that I don’t completely understand the details of. The side effect of this for me is that Houseguest would leave with him and go to stay with friends in the city, a few days earlier than we were anticipating. This is good news for me and I hope it works out in this way. It does mean having to walk to work and possibly home again on Thursday (not sure how that will go in the black boots but if it is dry out I might be able to wear my red ones which would probably be fine) but that feels like a small price to pay for having my house back. Cross your fingers for me!

 

I started making hedgerow terrain for a hedge maze yesterday and it was nice to put my phone down and dig into something crafty. And then D&D went pretty well (we almost died trying to escape a goblin ambush) and we ended up having a good conversation on the group chat about what we wanted out of the game: Did we want to double down on this new keep we laid claim to and run an administrative game of local lordship? Or did we want to keep moving around the map adventuring? The consensus was adventuring, so we are going to try to hire people to watch the keep for us while we lope around. Hopefully we can come up with the money!

 

Spent the evening watching the end of Campaign 3 episode 63 of Critical Role which I have been stuck on for a while. I saw a pretty significant spoiler for last Thursday’s episode and it has piqued my interest again. I am having a hard time engaging with C3 lately and I am not as motivated to get caught up, which is interesting because C2 got me through Dave’s deployments. Different characters, different story. It makes sense. But I am interested to see what comes out of last week’s episode, so I should probably get back on track with it. 

 

I hope that your pen writes perfectly today. Thanks for being here. ❤️ 

[Harriet]

1. Helpfully pay for guest's ticket to elsewhere. 2. Regretfully explain that ticket money was taken out of rice and beans fund. 3. Starve guest out of the house like a reverse siege. 4. Victory dance! 5. Chocolate pudding.

[Artemis Prime]

6 minutes ago, Sovalis said:

Cross your fingers for me!

🤞🤞🤞

 

7 minutes ago, Sovalis said:

D&D went pretty well (we almost died

There are not too many hobbies where those two phrases go together.

 

7 minutes ago, Sovalis said:

I saw a pretty significant spoiler for last Thursday’s episode and it has piqued my interest again

I am still only about halfway through C2, but I saw something similar from C3 (not enough to actually spoil anything, but enough to make me go, "oh, that's interesting") and it makes me wish I was not approximately 4 years behind.

[Shello]

Really happy to see that you and Dave had a very productive conversation and that there is an end date to the home invasion.  I hope Dave will be back home before he has to leave again so you get some time together.  Absolutely LOVE your hoard of dice.  

[Sea-to-sky]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

1. Helpfully pay for guest's ticket to elsewhere. 2. Regretfully explain that ticket money was taken out of rice and beans fund. 3. Starve guest out of the house like a reverse siege. 4. Victory dance! 5. Chocolate pudding

Best plan. 
 

1 hour ago, Sovalis said:

The side effect of this for me is that Houseguest would leave with him and go to stay with friends in the city, a few days earlier than we were anticipating. This is good news for me and I hope it works out in this way. It does mean having to walk to work and possibly home again on Thursday (not sure how that will go in the black boots but if it is dry out I might be able to wear my red ones which would probably be fine) but that feels like a small price to pay for having my house back. Cross your fingers for me!

🤞🤞🤞🤞

[Snarkyfishguts]

4 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Cross your fingers for me!

I have crossed all the things! Lol

[Kishi]

5 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Cross your fingers for me!

 

[Ranger Hal]

5 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Cross your fingers for me!

🤞

[Everstorm]

[Scaly Freak]

10 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I appreciate that no one was attacking or vilifying him. He does mean well, he just functions totally differently than I do and that makes things tough sometimes. 

Good sleep does make everything better. 

I think the ones you mean are from the Norse line at Lindorm Dice. They are very pretty in person. 

 

Well, our job during this unexpected visit is to support you. Attacking Dave doesn't accomplish that.  

 

And google tells me the ones I liked so much are the Surtr dice. Hmmmmm.......

 

10 hours ago, Sovalis said:

I am relived to hear that I am not the only one asking guests to contribute.

 

You definitely are not. (Disclaimer that to me it depends a lot on why the guest is visiting, how long they are staying, and whether we had a chance to plan for their visit or not. In your situation, contributing to food is still cheaper than staying in an Airbnb or a hotel, so they should hand over some funds to you. )

 

10 hours ago, Sovalis said:

ended up having a good conversation on the group chat about what we wanted out of the game: Did we want to double down on this new keep we laid claim to and run an administrative game of local lordship? Or did we want to keep moving around the map adventuring? The consensus was adventuring, so we are going to try to hire people to watch the keep for us while we lope around. Hopefully we can come up with the money!

 

In theory you can pay your stewards and administrators with the valuables and treasures you find while adventuring..... right? 😇

 

Crossing fingers and hoping for the houseguest leaving early!

[Sea-to-sky]

4 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Disclaimer that to me it depends a lot on why the guest is visiting, how long they are staying, and whether we had a chance to plan for their visit or not. In your situation, contributing to food is still cheaper than staying in an Airbnb or a hotel, so they should hand over some funds to you

Our rule of thumb is, if they are staying longer than 3 days they have to contribute. Food and water prices are very high here right now so its inevitable I'm afraid. Plus a room in a b&b or air b&b is going to be £70+ a night round here (plus food) so they are getting a very cheap holiday (even camping is minimum £60 a night).  
 

[Salinger]

Hey SOV!!!!!

 

How are you today? Sending love xx

[Sepherina]

Crossing all the things for you!